I thought I would start a new thread for discussion here. It IS an interesting topic. (For anyone new stopping by, there was some discussion on lordslady's "stupid question" thread on this topic.)

Here's RebornMan's question:


I don't know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> hehe. Perhaps just my experience so far, no real reason. Letsee if I can explore my way through this. Maybe it's case-by-case... maybe it's age and maturity.... I dunno.

You're probably right. Overall, it doesn't really matter, as long as there are common likes/dislikes, etc.

Heregoes....

I'm 35, and have been divorced 3 years. Most guys that are 25 are quite a bit different than me, maturity-wise, and experience-wise, as far as life-experience, career, recreation preferences, etc. So, I guess those things (not age) are what create the common reference, likes/dislikes you refer to. I have found that I match-up more in these areas with men my age and older.

It SEEMS.... also.... that the majority of men in their late 30's and older... appreciate women differently than the younger ones. They seem to see us for who we are, appreciate us for who we are, and are overall more ummmm.... realistic (?) about relationships.

There's a start to my thinking.

Faith1

Well so far in my dating experience the guys that were much younger than me were looking for either a meal ticket or free favors from a woman that is forty (me). Gosh a couple of profiles of guys that winked at me showed they were in their late 20's and still living with their folks and earning less than $30,000 a year. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
Maybe it is a DJ but I think that it is impossible for these guys to find women their age because those ladies are ready to settle down and are looking for good marital prospects with decent jobs

RM - God bless you - I don't know if I would feel great about a guy with four kids - blended families are hard to manage and put a lot of strain on a relationship. I don't know why these women are chasing you. I mostly get guys 10 years older than I am - too old in my book. Met one in person (decided he was pretty charming in email and phone) and in spite of a 9 year age gap met with him. He was rather pudgy and cross eyed. Funny - we had a really fun time, but I couldn't help but think that if he didn't take care of himself he was going to be stroke city or heart attack city in a few years.
So health reasons would give me pause about marrying someone not near my own age. I would think that at 60 I would have a lot more energy than a 70 yo...

V.

I'm speaking hypothetically, since I've had ZERO dates since my DV, and before I was married I dated a total of 3 people (one seriously, and married him), and we were all within 2 years in age.

Men younger than me: I would have no problem with up to 5 years. More than that makes me very nervous. It's almost an entire generation different when you get to the 10-year mark. And it's not so much the age difference at this moment that bothers me, but the though of "what happens when I'm 50 and they're 40?" That's when many men start the whole "I'm old, where am I going in life, I need something to make me feel young again" crisis. That's how I lost the first one, my EX, who is my age, to a woman 13 years his junior. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I would think my odds of that happening again would be very high when I'm 50 and wrinkled and menopausal and my husband is still 40 and looking young and good. That seems to be where the trouble lies for many couples.

The job/income thing doesn't bother me regardless what the age is as long as the man is working hard at what he does and is doing his best at it. I could care less if he's a $20,000/yr janitor or a $100,000/yr executive as long as he has a great personality, is intelligent, honest, shares my beliefs, and shows me he loves me. I don't need a man with a high-paying career. Many of them aren't nearly as down-to-earth and fun as the other guys are, in my experience with working with the corporate crowd and hanging in years past with my XH's crowd of blue-collar guys.

I have a good job. I can support myself, albeit on a tight budget. I don't need a man for the money (except to pay his own way and to help with "fun money" like vacations, etc.) So that may set me apart from what some other women are looking for.

However, going the other way--older men: I also don't really want a man who is more than about 5-6 years older than me. We may share interests, as I've always hung with people older than me. But again, looking into the future, if I'm 50 and he's 60, the energy level, the health issues, his being near retirement age and me still being relatively young....and the unfortunate fact that statistically women do outlive men. Things I think about.

I had myself on Match.com when I was separated, just to find pen-pals who might have advice for what I was going through. (This was before MB and also I made it VERY clear that I was still married and was NOT looking to date!! Still, I deleted my profile within a couple weeks.) Outside of maybe one guy who was still in his 40's, the only replies I got (and I did get several) were from men 55+!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> It was very disheartening.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents on the issue.

Being newly divorced this is an intriguing question. My EW was 5 years my junior and that seemed like a large enough difference. I'm 47 now, and in good shape, but I'm not sure I could date someone comfortably not around my age. I have no desire to date at this point (still traumatized by the divorce) and won't have to spend much time pondering the proper age for me.

I think when that time comes it will be quite intersting to see what unfolds.

Thanks for your input, everyone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was thinking some more, and noticed that 2 of my (happily married) coworker friends here... one lady who is 44, is married to a 35 yo man. And another friend is 33, married to a 45 yo man.

So, 9 years younger man... and 12 years older man. Both second marriages for the ladies (first marriages for the men). I know you all know people like this too. hmmmm.... trying to think what I know about them. I'm sure the younger man provides energy, youthfulness, etc., to their relationship, but also brings those characteristics out in her. I'm sure the older man provides stability, wisdom, consistency, etc., and brings those characteristics out in her.

I think that by ignoring prospects just because of their age, you might miss out on some great experiences - either to learn and grow, or a special person to spend some time with, or "the one" to spend the rest of your life with. But, we all tend to have an "age comfort zone", for whatever reasons.

Just more thoughts... looking for more... and RebornMan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Great Thread Faith. Glad you started it.



I agree with your statement above and based on my experiences, further believe that in the grand scheme of dating/relationships/marriage, age comes in about #3 in importance. Let me explain:

In general; there are some 20-year olds with a higher "maturity" level than some 50-year olds. And of course, the same can be said for those in the middle. I feel this is true - regardless of gender.

I believe that a high maturity level is the most important ingredient to a successful relationship. (Note: Maturity in my book = values, honor, integrity and accountability! VHIA) In cases where either or both people have a "low" maturity level (meaning any of VHIA is, or has been compromised), then chances of a successful relationship are low. Conversely, when both people have a high maturity level (VHIA will not be compromised, no matter the reason) then relationships thrive! Therefore, it is feasible that a 20 year old man or woman can enjoy a successful and meaningful relationship with a 50 y.o. mate. [Note: Nothing was mentioned about physical attraction!]

2. Relative Education Level: This may upset some, but statistics are going to prove that education level (in relation to each other) is important. Also; note that education level does not necessarily mean academic level! Again, there are some very intelligent, successful people with high school-only educations, and there are some professors who simply don't have a clue. So, it's important to get to know the person and decide for yourself if they are "educationally-compatible" with you.

3. Age. (Actually age-difference.) The big issue about an age difference is mostly about physical attraction. Generally speaking, younger is better when it comes to age. There are many exceptions to this - as I can attest. But in general, the young are considered more attractive.

So those are my big 3, in order. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

FR

Thanks for the thread Faith! It's a good topic.

It must be personal preferences but I did learn something interesting about this topic. Nobody in my family is surprised that I have been dating much younger women. None of them are surprised they are making themselves available (Yes, I asked) because I've been told I'm too young to be my age. Not in the maturity sense but energy and outlook, attitude and likes/dislikes way.

I guess thats why I don't have much of a problem going out with a 25 year old or a 45 year old. Like you said Faith, one brings out qualities of the other and vice versa. Age is just a number to me as long as there is a common belief/interests. More important to me is children, I won't date someone in their 20's that doesn't have a kid unless they can't have them. It's a waste of time because I can't make babies anymore nor do I want to, and I think that fact alone would doom any marriage. I could be wrongof course but I have to go with my gut on that one.

I'm seeing a 28 year old now with a son, we'll see what happens, best prospect I've had in 8-9 months.

My first H was older than me, but everyone else I ever dated (or married) was younger.

If I'm supposed to go after older men, it won't be long before there are NONE there at all. With women living longer than men, and me not getting any younger, welll, things aren't looking very good!

Hmm. Of course, B. is 17.5 years older than I am. Talk about a generation gap. There were definite generational issues. Then, there was a power imbalance to start. However, that didn't last too long.

I would not date anyone with that big of an age difference. I also would not date anyone more than 2 years younger than me. Why? Knowing that attractive spouse is often a top 5 need for men, I'd worry if I were 10 years older than the man. It may not make a big deal of difference between 35 and 45, but imagine a 45 year old man with a 55 year old woman. Besides, most men 10 years younger than me are in a different stage. I'm 38, and 28 year old men are often still going to night clubs around here.

"...but imagine a 45 year old man with a 55 year old woman."

Had to jump in here because I'm a soon to be 54 year old woman dating a 46 year old man who's the oldest guy in a weekend rock n' roll band - I'm about the same age as the drummer's mother, judging by appearances. It bothers me more than it seems to bother him.

Most of you are in your 30's and 40's and like all of us, can only empathize with what you've already experienced. Well, I've been in my 30's, 40's, and now 50's, and I'm not as old as I thought I'd be when I was young like the rest of you!

I choose not to date women older than me, and no more than 10 years younger (43-53)...is this immutable..no, but one has to have some kind of plan for dating I think, doing so gives better results. Why my choices? Not sure, instinctual, cultural, experiential? I have thought about it. I agree with those who have suggested feeling uncomfortable with a generational gap. That means about 15 year difference, ten just feels more solid to me. I think being of different generations reduces the ability to bond deeply...so maybe those more willing to date widely (re range), seek less deep relationships...assuming dating for mating....dating just to hang out is different I think, but then is it really dating per se, or just friend making? So I guess part of the answer (and differences) are about different goals, expectations as so on. I seek a close, knowing, deep relationship, so it makes sense to start with "something"...same culture, same race, same belief system, age bracket (means same growing/maturing experiences)...does that means maybe overlook someone? Sure, so what? You can't date everyone, so stick with the plan. I am not so certain about the attractiveness issue. I like the way middleaged women look (ones who are fit, and proper weight), I have my preferences of course, and I appreciate the beauty of youth, it just doesn't attract me.The opposite actually, kinda repels me (n a romantic sense). Feel like someones father, not their partner. As for older, maybe I am just another shallow male, hard to say, but is deeply felt...on match sites, I first look at age, if not within my spread, I don't respond or initiate.

My stbx is 5 years younger than me. I will not date a man that much younger. I'd prefer a man to be past a MLC if he were so inclined. I never thought I'd have this feeling & even brought it up with my shrink the other day. He said it's likely I will hang on to this preference/prejudice.

Interestingly, I wouldn't want to put down an income "must have" or an eduational "must have" because I would prefer to weed people out based on some communication or something in their profile. I would, however, not date someone unemployed that isn't spending a GREAT deal of time looking for work.

I LOVE IT - well spoken!
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