So after being home 1 week, WH says it was a mistake and is moving forward with the D paperwork. I asked him what finally made him make that decision....he said I don't know. I said "Haven't I tried to do all the things you said were missing in our M that made you leave to begin with? He said yes. I asked him "why is it that no matter what I do, nothing is good enough?" He said he wasn't sure and that he agreed that nothing I do or will do will matter to him, that it (I) will never be good enough for him, and having that feeling was wrong. Since the first of the month when he moved home (for financial reasons) he has berated me, ignored me, and found every possible thing he could to find fault with. I told him that treating me badly was behavior that he had control of. That when he walks in the front door...he decides how to treat me and that using his inability to be civil to me as an excuse as to why this marriage won't work is another bunch of crap.
I asked him if he has seen OW and that is what had triggered this. He said he wasn't going to play 20 ques.

I think he believes that if he abuses me enough that I will end up giving in and that I will file for the D. Am I sick of the crap, yes and I told him so. But I still feel so strongly about not divorcing. I told him that I thought walking out after 1 week of being home was the easy way out, and that we had not even started talking or working on the marriage, because I have been focusing on avoiding his abuse and he has been concentrating on not being home, and making me uncomfortable when he is.

....I told him he needed to get this done quickly and fairly...I can't keep on this way much longer. Personally I am starting to think that he wants to be free to go out and have sex with lots of people.
His desire to do so is so strong, and his guilt keeps him from doing it while still married so his only choice is to divorce. He is so far gone and emotionally detached.

I need to say goodbye to this relationship.....but something makes me hold on for dear life. I really need to figure out why, or I am going to bury myself. I go out and do things and right in the middle of my enjoyment I start to think......why am I doing this? This really isn't what I want to be doing right now...I would rather be with WH doing anything but this. I want my old husband back, I want my dream of a long lasting loving marriage back. I want to kick the OW to hell and back.

Besides all of this emotional garbage...for those who have D'd and their spouse had stock beofre they were married but used dividends to purchase more stock, is the new stock considered marital property? The new stock is still in his name, and the dividend never went into a joint account, just automatically reinvested. What about cash value of life insurance policy that they had prior to marriage, but the cash value continues to grow. We did use our joint checking to pay for premiums.

For financial Q, it depends on which state do you live in. In CA, everyting is 50-50 unless there is iron-clad prenup. agreement. You were together > 10 years, it is consider long term M. Please contact a lawyer asap, most lawyer would answer your questions and give you 1 hours free advice as part of intake.

Cherish H ... never take WH ... however do you think H ever come back ? how long would you wait ?

-rh-

RH...I told my WH that he needed to realize that if we D'd and I started turning the corner, I wasn't sure I would come back to the marriage even if he wanted me to and was wanting to work on rebuilding. I think once the papers are filed...for me it would be like the Human ova...once penetrated by a single sperm a reaction occurs that causes it to wall itself off from any other approaching sperm. Odd analogy I know!!! But once I get to that part I think my heart will harden. To tell you the truth I wish it would happen now.

We are in WI where it is a no fault, 50/50 state. My Wh came into the marriage with more than I had but stands to loose a lot more too. He still hasn't told anyone in his family that he plans on filing for a D, nor has he told his business partner.

You now what hurts more than anything? Is that WH continues to NOT accept any responsibility for any of this mess.
I could probably forgive the EA, probably forgive the lies, and maybe even forgive the emotional abuse.....but to continue to act like a self righteous SOB and trying to make it look like I was the bi#*% of a wife that drove him away. That is what is making me sick. He is in such a state of denial...he even refuses to believe that his DD's pulling out of her eyelashes is related to boredom, and that I am not supervising her activities well enough.
Is that not arrogance at the highest level? No wonder I can't do anything right...because he deserves nothing but perfect.

Homer,

Good news ... the court would list current Debt and Asset and divide 'em into 50-50. I would keep a copy of everything both of you owns ... regardless under whose name it is. Just to make sure that he would not hide assets and accumlate debts.

However it is common for WS to pose DV threat to BS. My WS threaten me but it took her another 6 months before she finally served me. Find a lawyer and talk to them to find out your legal right but not to file.

I hear you. I use WAT analogy ... H is taken by an alien and replaced by WH. It is hard not to take it personally. However if you want to prolong your plan A you have to learn to see it in the different view. It is like dealing with addict ... they would say and do anything to push you away so that they could get their fix. So in this case, you have to learn to identify psyco-babled and reverse 'em. Check with Orchid on this one.

For instant if he says "DD is pulling her eyelashes b/c of you are not supervising her activities well enough" ... You should reply "I see, I would like to see you to supervise her for x hours today and let me learn how to supervise her correctly."

-rh-

Oh Homer!

(((((Homer)))))
I am so sorry about this. I know how you feel. the total lack of remorse, the shifting of blame to the victim, the absence of accountability...

Is there a reason why you never exposed the affair to his family and partner?

Its better if I don't write more today. I am feeling angry at all WS of the world today. All I can offer you is a hug and if you were here I would even massage your feet.

Lost...thanks, you almost made me cry when you offered to rub my feet. I haven't had anyone do much for me lately.

As I was telling BHINWI, I keep waiting for my WH to wake up. He is like an alien. I keep saying who is this man? This is not the person I married.

The love I offer him...means nothing to him. He is looking for something I can not give him. Something that he himself doesn't even know how to identify. Financially this D is going to crush him. He lost his family business 15 years ago, his family home 10 years ago, his mother 6 years ago and now he is throwing just about everything else he does have out the window. I know I shouldn't feel sorry for him, but I do.

All I want right now is to fast forward thru this pain in onto a better place. And that doesn't necessarily mean with him. I just want out of where I am right now.

Not to threadjack - but his daughter pulling out her eyelashes is probably related to stress or OCD. It is called tricholtillomania, and can be treated by a doctor.

Believer...she has been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder. WH is set against any meds. Justs wants her to keep busy...Of course he would have probably never even noticed it. She is getting some behavioral therapy, of which WH has gone to 2 sessions since last fall.

He thinks meds are a bunk. thats why he says he doesn't need them either. He thinks he is in control and so should she be.

Got it. It's always the real sick ones who "don't believe" in therapy or meds.

Glad you are watching out for her.