It's been awhile since I last posted. I notice many new names here on the board.
I feel I'm becoming a good little actress, my friends think I'm just handling everything okay. The truth is that sometimes I feel like I'm getting stronger and somedays I really don't want to go on with life.
My in-laws have been so wonderful and treat me like one of their own. They are hurting too, my WXH doesn't keep in contact with them. My in-laws are the only family I have, and I'm so thankful for them. They have been there for me every step of the way and if it wasn't for them and this board I don't know where I would be today.
Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. The loneliness is a killer. My WXH left me in so much debt and alone. I know my WXh is in worse debt , but he also has the OW helping him out, I don't financially but at least emotionally.
I know I need to move on, but lately I have been thinking about the past, the good times. I knew he loved me and he was to proud to be by myside. The reason for my debt, is when he lost his job, I decided to work two jobs and support his dream (mentally, emotionally and financially) of owning his own business. That's when the married OW decided to make her moves on WXH knowing I'm working and he is by himself fulfilling his dreams. Yes, he is to blame too, but the OW used me working two jobs and not being there to her advantage. It was my money that went into his business and probably even supported his affair.
I realized now, I'm not going to apologized for believing and wanting to support my husband's dream. He never gave me any reason not to trust him. He was a man of honor who love the Lord and his wife. He even promised my mom on her death bed that he will always be there taking care of me. When I remind him of that his response was "I meant it at that time". He also reminds how he was the perfect husband before the affair started. The marriage breakdown was "My fault" not his.
I just can't stop loving him and I didn't have any closure. I felt I was robbed of a chance to save my marriage, when the OW convince him to move thousands of miles away from me. She knew if he stayed in the area, we might had a chance to save our marriage. It was to her advantage to have him so far away from me. I know I'm driving myself crazy, but I wonder if I'm ever in his thoughts and does he remember the good times we had and the feelings we shared.
I have been told it takes about two years before I'm ready to date again. How do you trust again? Sorry for such a down post but its hard to rebuild my life emotionally and have to do it financially too. Even though I have my in-laws and friends, I just feel they don't understand completely how I feel unless they have gone though it themselves.
