I am new Here and seeking counsel on how to handle this situation. Quick background: Together 1 yr 4 mo. Fiance has been divorced from his ex wife since 2001 but continued to have physical contact with her until we got together Feb 2004. His ex wife currently lives with the man she cheated on my fiance with. My fiance established primary custody for their 3 children. The X-wife has not been actively involved with the children for almost 3 yrs now but does continue to randomly call to talk to them, hasn't seen them in 4 months.
Fiance and I don't live together but plan on closing on our new home July 15th. We do have one 4 month old son together. We briefly separated for the month of May b/c of trust issues. (he had been maintaining email and phone contact with his ex wife, as well as other female "friends") For me to consider reconciling with him, one of the requirements was to establish "NO Contact" with ex wife (which I know is hard to do since they share children together) as well as change his telephone numbers and allow me access to his voicemail and email accounts. We got back together June 1st and has done everything I have asked.. We had a conference call with his ex wife who went absolutely crazy over the phone and she and her boyfriend harassed my fiance and I all night. She demands to contact my fiance b/c as in her words, They have children together which is none of my business"
She has called and left numerous messages for my fiance since June 1st to which none he has responded to.. He states it's just a ploy to get in contact with him b/c while they were talking during the month of our break-up, she never onced asked to speak with the kids or see them. She has threatened to sign her rights away if he refuses to contact her. Today she emails me and politely asks me to have her children call her..Should I respond or let fiance handle it?
I don't want to keep the children away from her ( my fiance has explained to the kids that they will not be talking with their mother any time soon until she gets some things together.. none of the children cared at all if they never talk to her again) But I want her to have a relationship with them...My only concern is when this happened 9 months ago, it ended up with my fiance and his ex talking about meeting for lunch etc.
My fiance says during the month of our separation, He does know what he wants and does not want to ruin our relationship behind his ex wife or any other woman and he is 100% committed to this relationship and since June 1st, his actions clearly display his sincerety.. but how do we handle the ex wife? Should she be allowed to contact her children if she refuses to go thru a third party and ONLY wants to deal with my fiance without me involved?
Help.. what is best for the children? How can we handle this to provide a satisfactory resolution for everyone involved?

YIKES! I would seriously consider NOT getting married. Things will only get much worse after you are married. I married a man with 6 children from 3 different wives. The mom's were always a part of the kids lives. I even invited them to Holiday gatherings, we watched the kids play in sports, and got along very well.

One mom was like your finance's wife. She just showed up once in awhile, usually when she needed money or a place to stay.

Please don't rush into marriage with this man. You will have NOTHING but problems, and more problems.

Unfortunately, they made a child together before they were married ....

Believer is right ... this is one of those situations where there is NO "satisfactory resolution for everyone" ... just coping with limitations and trying to make the best of a very imperfect decision on your part of making a child before building a comfy secure nest ...

this has long-term stress written all over it

sorry

Pep

MoBo4:

READ THIS WEB SITE.............This situation you are getting into now is frought with serious red flags. This is a lot deeper than establishing NC (which is a probably ridicuous notion anyway all things considered in this situation). He has already been unfaithful to you and this is only a year into the realtionship. There are a few posters here who have sort of been in your situationa and went ahead and married an unfaithful partner. It is not an easy road to go. You are signing up for alot of serious baggage here, just make sure you read the "good faith estimate" and read the "fine detail" before you sign up for this life.

LM

?? Why so soon??
(Are you sure you love Him (note: being in love and to love are two totally different things!), or you just have a child with him?)


It isn't hard, it is - impossible!
Shouldn't be 'forbidden' either...


Good, IF messages were not related to the children.
And wrong if opposite.
(Not answering her messages if related to anything else but chldren is the only way that can work - in your situation)


What does this mean?


I'd say 'OK, I will', and I'd say this to children...


Wrong, no no daddy, not so good daddy...
Btw, which things? Playing with daddy? (He liked it at least once...)


Saying to please daddy?
Or that's for real?
(in both cases, poor children...)


Noble intention. And very proper.
The rest is up to your fiance; is he worth a nice hearted woman?


Who is weak here, to use the third party?
And, if there is weakness, the third party is just a temporarily/short-term solution...


To have regular contacts with their mother.
He accepts her as the mother of his children, part of his own children, with all right she might have (custody clauses included), and contacting her should mean he contacts her only as The Mother, nost as The Woman.

If you trust him (and this He has to gain) - you'd be just fine with this...

In the meantime, please don't get married; above all - do not have another child before this is resolved...

I agree with the advice you have gotten above. Since they have 3 children together, they have a lifetime connection. I think it is unreasonable to expect NC with his ex-wife, no matter how bad a mother you think she is.

That said, I don't think his ex should be the one to call the shots regarding how the contact is handled. Since your fiance has custody, he should be the one to control visitation as he sees fit, as long as it is within the bounds of their custody agreement.

Why do you want him to have NC with his ex? Is she trying to harm your relationship in any way?

Now the other female "friends" might be a different story. Why is contact with them objectionable to you? Are they old girlfriends?

Since this will be your 3d marriage, and you are only 28 -- could you be bringing in some baggage from your previous relationships? I did notice in your sig that you want to make this one work. That is good. Reading the articles on this site will be very helpful. Have you looked back at your previous marriages to consider why they did not work? Do you see any of the same patterns of behavior happening in your current relationship?

ewon

I think no contact is un-realistic with kids. Can you limit it to email or voice messages? THen, with out her knowing, you can also have access to the email account and you can monitor it. He should only send back matter of fact informational responses to her. You could also listen the voice messages with him until you feel comfortable. Or just listen in with him (unbeknownst to her) when she calls. The more you shut her out, the more she is going to want to get back in.

I'm sure I am taking my share of baggage into this relationship which I am working on thru IC and an in depth bible study called "Making Peace with Your Past" so I am starting to recognize my dysfucntions. My fiance and I do hope to allow his ex to be a part of her children's life WHEN she starts showing an interest in them. At this point in their life, she is only causing chaos by calling them whenever she feels like it and showing up once in a blue moon. I have been married to a man that has 5 children with 5 different women and i have never had any problems with any of the woman b/c it was clearly understood that the relationship my ex husband had with them was completely over on both parts. So I am the last person to be insecure or jealous of a relationship that i know must be in place between two parents b/c of children HOWEVER when it has been revealed to me that there is more in that relationship than co parenting then I have a problem.
When I met my fiance Feb 2004, I had no problems with him communicating with his ex b/c it was portrayed to be nothing more but when I found out there was more to their relationship in Sept 2004, my insecurities that were already there came out in the open and I became uncomfortable with any contact between them.
After continued contact between them that was inappropriate, I called off our relationship and allowed him time to figure this out on his own. We did reconcile and we do plan on getting married. We are going thru pre marital counseling. Limitations are in place. I trust my fiance to do the right thing this time around. He is willing to post on MB and is part of a mens accountability group at our home church.
I really just want to do the right thing by the children and in my heart, I really hope to be civilized with the children's mother. Please pray for us. and thanks for all your words of wisdom

Ask to have supervised visitation for the exW and his children. No contact directly to him and it all be handled via a third part. Also the children s/b monitored via a counselor for their protection.

The sad piece is that the children may have to go visit their mom whether they like it or not. That is where damage c/b done. Ask for the courts help. Be prepared to show her psycho and neglectful side.

L.