So I've been watching this new forum develop and enjoying the topics as they're posted when a thought occurred to me. Before I spell it out though, I feel a qualification is necessary - especially for those of us who spent "down-time" on GQ2, recovery, etc. This forum; due to it's "after divorce" theme and "beginning anew" excitement is definitely more up-beat and positive than the others.

Which causes me to wonder when a couple of fine people who open their lives on this forum might meet sense an attraction to one another - and begin developing a relationship!

After reading about many of you, that thought may not be so far-fetched. We know the worst - and the best about each other. We also know some desires & dislikes, all of which are offered in a pretty honest fashion. (Why would anyone feel the need to deceive on here?) So, other than no photo's shown - who's to say that this might not happen? It could get interesting, could it not?

It would be kind of an "online, radically honest by default, know how to meet each others needs..." type dating service with a built in, guaranteed group of supporters! Sounds good in theory doesn't it? Or better yet, a couple who are recommended to get together by the rest of us. Kind of like a blind-date! What do you think?

FR <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think there are already people who've met here on-line.

The problem I can see is if this was officially an on-line dating service it would put a damper on the honesty because it would no longer be a safe place for open sharing - it would be a dating service, and there are already plenty of those out there.

And, it would attract other MB'ers who aren't really ready for dating.

No, let's keep it as it is - a place for us to share this next, new step in our lives with people we know share a similar history and therefore can empathize with our anticipation as well as our fear and insecurity about starting over.

My opinion is somewhere between the two of yours. I agree this site should not be a dating site. It is a place for us to share and learn and feel safe doing it.

But...if a couple people were to get to know each other well enough on here that they felt like meeting OUTSIDE the MB arena, who am I to stop them??

You can't tell it by this profile but I'm an old timer who's been at this site for over 4 years. In that 4 years I've met several MB people in person, built cherished memories, and keep in contact with many of them by phone. I've also seen many couples begin new positive healthy relationships from this site, heck I'm one of them.

Then there's the cautionary tale, I've seen way too many people either have affairs or have relationships too early from this site and cause themselves and others a lot of pain.

There is a certain closeness that one feels when they share and are shared with at the lowest points of life. Look at any addiction treatment center they are riddled with relationships. It only makes sense, most of my best MB buddies are the ones who were here 4 years ago when I was going through my turmoil.

But to me, the bad far outweighs the good in this scenario. As I've experienced through others here and in a treatment center, these relationships/dating within the 1st year with someone who's been through similar circumstances works out about 0.00001% of the time. Even sadder is the observation that the second break-up, many times, causes more pain and has worse lasting effects.

So turn this place into some type of dating site, I don't think so. However, people are always going to get together from rooms such as these. I'm extremely pleased when I see someone with some time under their belt find a partner from here because of all the reasons you've listed. And I'm also saddened when I see people who are not through greiving get together or even worse when I see someone preying on an emotionally unhealthy person who is ripe for the pickens.

AlmostHome,

That was good stuff and I agree with you.

Like you said, if 2 healthy people agree to meet outside the confines of this board well so be it.

I don't want this to turn into "Date Site" at all, it's nice to come here and share, add and garner opinions without wondering or worrying about what a potential mate thinks.

It is bound to happen, folks meeting that is, most of us have quite a bit in common (far more in common than not) and we've all "run the gauntlet" in our marriages. Life experiences are powerful attractions, common bonds and such, so will I be surprised when I find out folks are meeting? Nope, not at all.

I just hope that stuff doesn't interfere with the dynamics of this board...that would be a shame.

RebornMan

Hi FR,

I'm also ambivalent.On the one hand,when I think about MB having dating potential,I feel very strange about it.Here we are trying to cope with Infidelity,recover or grieve and support one another and then there is this dating board(possibility).The same place you are coping with a huge loss and painful event you also come to to maybe start a relationship/friendship? It's confusing to me.

On the other hand,I have always felt that I would feel so much more comfortable with someone from MB or who was familiar with MB principles than your usual suspects out there who may take months or even years to get to a place,mentally,emotionally,spiritually,etc where I am now and after what I have been through and may never truly understand what it's like to be affected this way.You would like to think that meeting someone from here would have some Guarantee? about the cheat factor.What a wonderful way to start a relationship knowing that Infidelity is almost 100% a non issue from the get go since we have been through it as a BS and have learned so much about it and EN's,etc,etc.When I think about the possibility,I feel safer in that idea than in thinking of venturing out on my own and trying to extrapolate who is and isn't "worthy" of me right now.It's like we already know eachother in intimate ways here.

I don't know.Then there's the travel factor.How can you start anything up with someone when they live 1,000 miles away? Who would move? I know I am never moving again.I adore my beloved home and my kids and are I stable here.I love my town.That surely would limit my pool of suitors.

I am also surpirsed to hear AlmostHome say that she/he has experienced people having A's from here by starting a R too soon.It's startling to think that someone could go through this process as an MB member and a BS and cheat on someone.I could see it in a WS who may not have dealt with the inner issues but as a BS? I find that truly appalling.Then you have the time factor too.We all should wait at least a year,IMO,before entering into a new relationship with anyone after a D.How many people actually stick around that long? There are regulars then there are those that just take off never to be heard from again.

Well,dating is not in my near future anyway(not even D'd yet) but it's interesting to see what is going on out there.

O

My 2 cents: Not a dating site but it would be nice to feel free to contact someone we feel some attraction to, IF that person wants to be contacted. How to do that? I don't know. There do seem to be lots of bells & whistles with this new board perhaps there's some feature that could be adapted for this purpose.

I don't think it would be a good idea for the fact that when you start leaning on someone (this board), it is to easy to get attached for the wrong reasons (sympathy, empathy, etc).

Also, who they really & truly are would be tainted by your views of their postings here.

You really only know what someone chooses to post. There will always be some people that feel the need to deceive others, but what I think is very common is that people deceive themselves. There is so much blame directed toward the spouses that aren't posting here and not enough introspection by the spouses that are posting.

People find excuses for their own poor behavior - it's human nature. Taking a good hard look at yourself and making changes is difficult. Just because people are posting on MB doesn't mean they understand and apply the concepts to their lives.

Just because someone says they are ready to move on to a new relationship with new skills in place doesn't make it the truth.