Post deleted by coldwater

Well if you follow marriage builders advice, the solution is to negotiate an agreement that you both enthusiastically agree with.

Sounds like you don't enthusiastically agree with her being gone for 4 weeks so she has love-busted you on this issue.

The problem is that your love banks are probably getting pretty low with the affair and the mother incident.

The only solution will be to work out a joint agreement over the mother - where she will live, how often your SO will see her, how much financial support you will give etc.

The toughest part about this is honestly and openly discussing your feelings about different options (and your SO doing the same). The more hurt there is between you the harder this is to do. Many people also have a tendency to give (sacrifice) is order to win approval but do not really enthusiastically agree with the solution. This is another side of being honest and open. Not negotiating a joint agreement will only lead to resentment down the track.

Perhaps the first thing you need to decide is whether you are truly committed to her for life, get married, and then work toward a SHARED future. You cannot go around carrying all this guilt and anger. You either have to look towards your future happiness TOGETHER as a partnership or not at all.

Just my $0.02 worth

Post deleted by coldwater

Coldwater,

The key is commitment and communication.

Commitment
==========
Do you want to spend your life with this woman?
If so, then you both need to commit to jointly solving your problems together as a team - WE instead of I or YOU.

If you decide to commit then you need to communicate. Start by fervently agreeing to develop joint agreements to shared problems (like her debt and mother).

You need to brainstorm solutions and choose actions you can both enthusiastically agree to. You clearly need to see a financial advisor or lawyer about clearing up her finances before you wed. Couldn't you both agree on doing that?

You also need to work on the questions from my previous post regarding your mother-in-law. You need to jointly agree to act.

The bottom line is that if you want to be together long term then make it happen. You are both sleep walking at the moment, waiting for some outside force to intervene in your problems. You need to start becoming part of the solution.

Instead of fight or flight try working together as a team to solve your common problems. You are not an objective 3rd party - it's your life too!

Just my $0.02 worth

P.S. Having an affair is sort of an indication that you are not a team of happy campers planning a prosperous life together. Are you really sure you are ready to commit to a mature relationship? Is she? I only ask because I have been in an immature relationship for 20 years and wish I could have my time again.

Im not sure what happened. Everything was just fine. At the time of this I was a bit more to the side due to a big deadline that I was working on, and to be honest I think I lost it.

For me the issue with the mom is of how sensitive it is. I cannot go in there because there are going to be questions and I totally disagree with sharing my answers. So instead of fueling an already hostile environment, I chose to stay a bit back and see if in the next couple of days, maybe for this weekend, or the next, I get "invited" over there. But even so what should I be doing? Obviously the situation is fragile with the mom-vs-sister issue, add to that the health problem and I am in a place where I have to give a certain space to the family.

I am half tempted to just tell her to bring her over closer to us, since her sister is not going to do anything for her.
But would she want? Should I even ask? Is it appropriate at this point? Im afraid to bring her over and she attempting something else. Im digesting all this info, hoping that by tomorrow it will be a bit more clear as is too fresh now.

Not sure on what to do with this, so I followed a gut instinct and emailed her this this morning:

---------
Hola,

I find very unfortunate the situation that is
ocurring and you have to deal with. I know is hard
and that is why I want to offer you my hand in
anything that you feel alone dealing with. I miss
you and Son, and it seems as if you are pretty much
all alone in this (at least, that’s how it seems from
up here). Let me know if I am overstepping myself
for I just want to help you as much as I can. Perhaps,
since it seems to me is mainly you who gets to deal
with this, we both can then take matters into our own
hands and decide the future based on what works for
us best. You have my complete attention and care in
this, and while I am not rich or a nurse, I am willing
to help you find any solution that will bring you
peace of mind, but is very hard for me to think of
anything when I am being kept 800 miles away with
limited details. Hope you understand that all I want is
your mom speedy recovery and your's and Son's return home.

Miss you.
coldwater
----------

Perhaps this will open the door for us to avoid this distance that seems to be just a setback and a bust to our recovery attempts. In essence if I have to bring the Mom over and deal with that, I feel it will be better for everyone (even her sister)...

Now, if I could just get over the sister thing, but she has left a very bitter taste with her actions.

I love my SO, I want to marry her someday (for a long time I wanted this) and I dont want to wake up and see anyone else there. She is truly my best friend (of besides her, only two guys I have known since I was 5 I call best friends).

I am not too familiar with laws regarding debts and stuff. Would a talk to a lawyer clear this up? Or if anyone wants to offer their advice thats awesome (less expensive <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ).

One day at a time they say.

I really like the sentiment in your email. Let us know what happens.

Just be very careful using terms like 'any solution that will bring you peace of mind'. The principle of joint agreement (POJA) means any agreement has to be enthusiastically agreed to by both of you. You have to like the decision too or you will end up resenting your SO big time. So 'any solution that will bring us peace of mind' would be more appropriate, IMHO :-)

Thats a good call there. I was referring to the mother issue, but I guess it should apply to anything else as well.

my 2 cents...

Children of alcoholics from what I understand will disassociate from reality in order to cope. Maybe her inability to discuss the adultery or explore the depths of your feelings on the matter be as a result of her childhood. My daughter is a child of an alcoholic and I notice at times she just turns the world off.

Her mother/sister dilemna. Best thing for you to do is stay out. You can't comphrehend their feelings and what history is shaping this conflict. When my mil died (thank you God) I stepped in to help out with FIL and handicapped cousin they were caring for (not because they were good people but wanted his inheritance.) I couldn't believe my stbx was so cold about the situation. FIL wasn't able to care for himself much less handicapped cousin. I brought them into our home and it was a disaster. Stbx didn't care and didn't want to be saddled with their problems. His mantra for life-he doesn't want to be saddled with my loss of vision & disabling genetic disorder either. To show his displeasure, his drinking escalated tremendously. Before my FIL died, the nursing home called stbx and told him it would just be hours before his death. Stbx didnt' bother to go to nursing home but just waited for the call at home-a weak man with no character. Instead of seeing to his father's burial, he went to Vegas and left the chore up to me. A piece of work huh?

There are dynamics there that are beyond your understanding. What seems to be rational solutions to a problem can become unreasonable when emotions, scars, and even open wounds are in play.

The debt that your SO has could be a symptom of the trauma of being from an alcoholic home. She may be dealing with the mess of childhood with over spending.

Your SO and her sister may just be playing out the frustration on each other instead of where it belongs-with their mother.

I think the bigger concern is before you marry her is not the debt. The bigger concern is her lack of ability to communicate and what's blocking that. Could the reason you become so angry when you think of the adultery is that she's not angry? Is her indifference maddening to you? Did you possibly do this to get her attention and it didn't work? (subconsciously-didn't you confess?)

Get into individual counseling and have him/her recommend a time when you need couples counseling. Don't think eliminating this debt is the only thing stopping you from marriage. There's work to do before that should happen.