Hello, I'm new to the site but desperately need advice. Long story short, last summer my husband became very withdrawn, from family and friends. We have been what some would say "the perfect couple". We are both 56, he's very active in the community, wonderful father, grandfather, large circle of mutual friends. I finally confronted him about my concerns with our marriage last Aug and his reply "I don't want to work on the marriage"..huge bomb. I went through every emotion; couldn't get out of bed for days, hospital, weight loss, you name it. He insisted the problems were "just between you and me". First came the suspicisons, then the lies, then the facts. He has been having a full blown emotional affair with our daughters friend who is 20 yrs younger for over a year and a half. I confronted her on two occasions, she lied, "they were just friends". My daughter confronted her dad several times and he lied to her also. He moved out Dec, Jan, 05 to "get right with myself". Came back home but wasn't really here or willing to work on our marriage. I finally filed for legal separation in Apr 05 and was able to obtain his work cell phone detail from June 04. It was horrific, calls her 25 times a day. I kept a journal and could put it all together like a picture. His response was "I'm so sorry that I hurt you and I have ruined everything". Our family is devastated. He has moved out and is continuing the affair today even though he stands to lose everything; family, friends, respect of the community. Close friends have tried to reason with him but nothing gets through to him. I purchased Dr. Harley's book and am trying to put together Plan B. This woman has divorced her husband, and has a 6 yr old. She also bought a house within one mile of ours with the expectation that he will move in with her. I sent her a letter and one to her parents when I had the hard evidence. Her parents contacted me immediately and have been so supportive, never once coming to her defense. They are devastated also because of their grandson. They call her a psyciopath, an unfit mother and her father said she is looking for a "sugar daddy"..someone to take care of her. Her reputation is well known in our community. I have loved this man with all my heart and soul. I feel tremendous guilt because in retrospect, I had become too comfortable in our relationship and apparently wasn't meeting his emotional needs, although he never expressed that he was unhappy until he was already gone. I also thought we always had a terrific sex life. Even though he has caused so much pain and suffering, I do still love him and have hopes of somehow saving our marriage. I don't know where to go from here. I don't want plan B to sound like it's OK for him to continue the affair and I'm sitting in our empty home waiting for him to return. I don't want to appear weak anymore but enough is enough. Is this a senior life crisis to the extreme? I am just so tired of the pain that some days I just want to file for divorce and get on with my life....but I still can't imagine life without him. Help..any advice is greatly appreciated.

Hi Mello.

I'm so sorry for your situation. But by joining MB you have come to the right place.

It's terrible when someone we have trusted for so much of our lives seems to throw it all away for no reason. You are aware now that maybe you weren't meeting his emotional needs recently but he should have told you that, not just given up on the marriage. Makes me so mad - my WH has done the exact same thing.

May I suggest that you re-enter your post in the 'general questions II' section of the infidelity forum? It'll get much more traffic than here.

I really can't imagine how you must feel. My WH and I have been married for 11 years (together for 14). I thought we'd be together for the rest of our lives. When, like yourself, you actually have been together for most of your lives, the pain of betrayal must be truly devastating.

I'm no expert, but I don't think you are ready for Plan B yet. This affair needs to be exposed! As you say, he has a heck of a lot to lose by real exposure. You also need to make him aware of what he's missing out on by not being with Mello anymore. You need to shine in his direction!

As I say, post this in General Questions II. You'll get tons of very helpful advice and support.

{{{Mello}}}

Alph.

Oh - and study, girl, study! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Looks like you've been doing that already. Study more. Learn all about your enemy (the affair). Because knowledge is power and that's how you'll defeat this thing.

Take care.

Alph.

Mellomelody,

You post has brought back all the memories of my H’s affair. You have come to the right place to get help. Please read as much as you can. I just have a few questions-has he moved out since April? Have you exposed the A to your children and grandchildren? Have you determined how the finances are to be taken care of? Have you considered that your H is having a midlife crisis? I know 56 is a bit old for this, but he sounds like he has all the classic signs.

What to do? Have you done an effective Plan A yet? Have you tried to meet his needs that you thought you had neglected? Please read up on Plan A and how to implement that. If you have already tried to meet his needs, and you are not seeing an effect after 6 months, then it is time for Plan B.

Please do not give up hope. Your marriage can recover, you have come to the right place for help. Please continue posting, I know how you feel. It helped me tremendously to read here, I could relate to so many stories.

NOMO

Mello - are you OK?

Alph.