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The "it's just between you and me" reply is SOOOOO stupid. If an affair is just between spouses, why is one spouse always the last to know? And why does the affair hurt so many people? What did your WH say when you said it affected lots of other people, too? I think my WH expected me to crumble, apologize, and promise not to talk to anyone about the A. Strange, how he doesn't show any remorse about the actual deed, just anger about people knowing and talking about the truth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Me BS 44
XH 45
M 20 years
D19
D12
DDay 11.29.04
Separated 12.29.04
Plan A 24.02.05
Plan B 10.9.05
Plan D 2.2.06
Divorce 13.6.06
OW - former friend and D12's x-godmother (Skunkypoo)
OWH - philander, XH's former best friend (still shares skunkypoo with XH)
Anger = drinking a rat poison and waiting/wishing the rat would notice you drink it and the rat die from it.
Redhat
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Exposure is the ultimate lovebuster, IMHO. How can it not be? But it's a calculated lovebuster. One step back to (hopefully) take multiple steps forward. I think this is true. At least in my case. All my reasoning, pleading, bargaining, stroking of WH ego, NOTHING has made him uncomfortable about his A except exposure. Time will tell if it will bring success. BUT our marriage was doomed without it.
Me BS 44
XH 45
M 20 years
D19
D12
DDay 11.29.04
Separated 12.29.04
Plan A 24.02.05
Plan B 10.9.05
Plan D 2.2.06
Divorce 13.6.06
OW - former friend and D12's x-godmother (Skunkypoo)
OWH - philander, XH's former best friend (still shares skunkypoo with XH)
Anger = drinking a rat poison and waiting/wishing the rat would notice you drink it and the rat die from it.
Redhat
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Me BS 44
XH 45
M 20 years
D19
D12
DDay 11.29.04
Separated 12.29.04
Plan A 24.02.05
Plan B 10.9.05
Plan D 2.2.06
Divorce 13.6.06
OW - former friend and D12's x-godmother (Skunkypoo)
OWH - philander, XH's former best friend (still shares skunkypoo with XH)
Anger = drinking a rat poison and waiting/wishing the rat would notice you drink it and the rat die from it.
Redhat
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Posts: 4,140
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***Me: "If this is just between you and me, why did you keep it a secret from me for so long? Why did our friends, your customers, and our neighbor know about this before I did?"***
Perfect!!! What did he say to that?
I think all of your answers were exactly right.
Mulan
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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We might be an exception here ... but my H was actually relieved the affair was exposed. He wanted out in the worst way but felt trapped by his lies ... if he stopped the A there would be retribution and increased contact from OW .... and of course there was his dumb loyalty to OP crapola too ... but he WAS relieved not to be in the shadow world any longer. Just saying something different to break up the logical debate ~~~~ LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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I don't know much of your story.
Just want to let you know that your WH is giving you the standard script, same as my FWH... he moved in with the FOW for 3 months, she was his "soulmate", he never loved me, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH....
We are now happily recovered.
I would not necessarily think of your FWH as having an "exit A". I thought that, too, and it was taking me in down the wrong path. That may be what he wants you to think, using foggy rationalization for what he is doing. In my opinion, it's best to stick with the viewpoint, as suggested by the Harleys, of the A as being an "addiction".
Exposure, PlAN A and often PLAN B are necessary....
Last edited by mimi1254; 06/10/05 11:39 AM.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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The problem with this is you are using his behavior to justify what you are doing.
If what you are doing can't be justified by how you think and feel, then perhaps you shouldn't say it. Using this logic, a ws thinks and feels their affair is okay, then it IS okay? You don't have to act on feelings (you shouldn't) and you don't have to feel to take actions.
Prayers & God Bless!
Chris
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We might be an exception here ... but my H was actually relieved the affair was exposed.
No, you are not an exception. Most ws do not want it exposed especially to the bs), but when it is, it is usually such a big relief because the double life is so hard to live, especially for an extended period.
Pitman talks about it in "Private Lies". Many spouses actually get to have a decent nights sleep immediately after they get found out because they don't have to worry abou tit.
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The problem with this is you are using his behavior to justify what you are doing.
If what you are doing can't be justified by how you think and feel, then perhaps you shouldn't say it. Using this logic, a ws thinks and feels their affair is okay, then it IS okay? You don't have to act on feelings (you shouldn't) and you don't have to feel to take actions. What Confused said is " If [emphasis added] what you are doing can't be justified by how you think and feel . . ." Nowhere in that statement is it implied that behavior can always be justified by what you are thinking and feeling, just that one condition that needs to be met before choosing a course of action is to ask if it is justified by your thoughts and feelings. For instance, if you are not angry at someone, it would not be justifiable to say that you are angry at them in order to manipulate them into a course of action. But even if you are angry at them, there still are limits to what you are justified in doing-you can't chase them around the room with an axe.
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Mulan, he was speechless.
for two days now.
Me BS 44
XH 45
M 20 years
D19
D12
DDay 11.29.04
Separated 12.29.04
Plan A 24.02.05
Plan B 10.9.05
Plan D 2.2.06
Divorce 13.6.06
OW - former friend and D12's x-godmother (Skunkypoo)
OWH - philander, XH's former best friend (still shares skunkypoo with XH)
Anger = drinking a rat poison and waiting/wishing the rat would notice you drink it and the rat die from it.
Redhat
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Pep,
This is an interesting perspective and something to think about.
When I think the other way around, when WH finally admitted to what was going on, this was in strange way a relief, despite a massive outbreak of PTSD, I finally some facts, and at least part of the truth with which I could make decisions.
Me BS 44
XH 45
M 20 years
D19
D12
DDay 11.29.04
Separated 12.29.04
Plan A 24.02.05
Plan B 10.9.05
Plan D 2.2.06
Divorce 13.6.06
OW - former friend and D12's x-godmother (Skunkypoo)
OWH - philander, XH's former best friend (still shares skunkypoo with XH)
Anger = drinking a rat poison and waiting/wishing the rat would notice you drink it and the rat die from it.
Redhat
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For what its worth...my WW said the same thing about my exposure activities......"this was between you and I"......wrong....you brought a third person into this relationship without my knowledge and when I became aware you denied it and lied to me about it. It stopped being between her and I when she had the A. Again, they refuse to take ownership of their actions. It is so typical.
I agree though....it is a big step backward to expose, but it is also the only way you can fight if you ask me. I still dont know whether WW and I will ever reconcile, but I know that if I didnt expose I would have never had a chance. She has been very, very angry....but I do believe there is a chance that someday she will understand why I did what I did.
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For instance, if you are not angry at someone, it would not be justifiable to say that you are angry at them in order to manipulate them into a course of action. But even if you are angry at them, there still are limits to what you are justified in doing-you can't chase them around the room with an axe. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Twice today you have me laughing out loud!
Me BS 44
XH 45
M 20 years
D19
D12
DDay 11.29.04
Separated 12.29.04
Plan A 24.02.05
Plan B 10.9.05
Plan D 2.2.06
Divorce 13.6.06
OW - former friend and D12's x-godmother (Skunkypoo)
OWH - philander, XH's former best friend (still shares skunkypoo with XH)
Anger = drinking a rat poison and waiting/wishing the rat would notice you drink it and the rat die from it.
Redhat
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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We might be an exception here ... but my H was actually relieved the affair was exposed.
No, you are not an exception. Most ws do not want it exposed especially to the bs), but when it is, it is usually such a big relief because the double life is so hard to live, especially for an extended period.
Pitman talks about it in "Private Lies". Many spouses actually get to have a decent nights sleep immediately after they get found out because they don't have to worry about it. OMG Chris !! YES ... in fact that very night my H was asleep with a peaceful expression on his face as soon as his head hit the pillow ... I immediately woke him up, of course <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> because it made me furious that I felt I was dying and he was enjoying blissful sleep of the innocent ! Hahahahaaa man that was a long time ago , I forgot about that Chris. Thanks Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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Tex, we're in much the same place as far as this goes. Measures to get our desparados off thier fences... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Me BS 44
XH 45
M 20 years
D19
D12
DDay 11.29.04
Separated 12.29.04
Plan A 24.02.05
Plan B 10.9.05
Plan D 2.2.06
Divorce 13.6.06
OW - former friend and D12's x-godmother (Skunkypoo)
OWH - philander, XH's former best friend (still shares skunkypoo with XH)
Anger = drinking a rat poison and waiting/wishing the rat would notice you drink it and the rat die from it.
Redhat
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Posts: 748
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Mimi,
at first it was not so comforting to know that my situation is a script stereotype. But then, when you come to terms and realize that the script can have a happy or a miserable end.... and the script for both has been already been written, you are empowered with a choice. One sources hope and musters strength. Thanks for the encouragement!
Me BS 44
XH 45
M 20 years
D19
D12
DDay 11.29.04
Separated 12.29.04
Plan A 24.02.05
Plan B 10.9.05
Plan D 2.2.06
Divorce 13.6.06
OW - former friend and D12's x-godmother (Skunkypoo)
OWH - philander, XH's former best friend (still shares skunkypoo with XH)
Anger = drinking a rat poison and waiting/wishing the rat would notice you drink it and the rat die from it.
Redhat
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Somehow, though, I suspect that that's not what you meant-I think you meant there is something wrong with his logic, and there very well could be, but something being wrong is not what makes it fuzzy logic. ummmmm, that was very fuzzy, Elspeth, and it seems to me you are digging very deep for post material today, dear. I don't think folks need to see a definition from Wikipedia to recognize some damn bad logic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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For instance, if you are not angry at someone, it would not be justifiable to say that you are angry at them in order to manipulate them into a course of action. But even if you are angry at them, there still are limits to what you are justified in doing-you can't chase them around the room with an axe. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Twice today you have me laughing out loud! Well, good. It sounds like your life could use a little brightening!
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Somehow, though, I suspect that that's not what you meant-I think you meant there is something wrong with his logic, and there very well could be, but something being wrong is not what makes it fuzzy logic. ummmmm, that was very fuzzy, Elspeth, and it seems to me you are digging very deep for post material today, dear. I don't think folks need to see a definition from Wikipedia to recognize some damn bad logic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> My point is that the term "fuzzy logic" does not mean "bad logic". "Fuzzy logic" is a term for a kind of logic than can be applied well or badly. If people start using the term "fuzzy logic" when they mean "bad logic", we will eventually have to come up with another name for the discipline of "fuzzy logic". Wouldn't it be simpler to use the term correctly to begin with?
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Well, I know I certainly feel better having been enlightened in the subtle nuances between "fuzzy" and "bad" logic and I hope you do too. Now, if we can only figure out what that has to do with the point at hand....
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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