my H and i have been having some diffculties lately. we decided to see an MC. the plan was for us to visit her alone and then together.

i saw her today and she advised me to leave my H quickly and quietly. she believes that he is extremely verbally abusive and has the potential to become physically abusive.

she has advised me to leave while he is out of town- to leave him a note and advise him to continue therapy, seeing his doctor, and to continue his developing spiritual path.

i have been wanting to leave him for quite some time, however, i have felt confused and loyal. i have not liked how he has treated myself or our duaghter.

i am kind of in shock, because i didn't realize how bad the situation was until talking with her. she is genuinely concerned.

he has been acting erratic lately.

i am going to take her advice and leave him. it is going to be difficult.

Having a counselor will be a very important thing for you now.

In many areas, there are Women's Crisis Centers to help women in your situation. Most are used to dealing with Emotional and verbal abuse - something which is new to many people.
Take care of yourself and your daughter.

There's a great book called "The verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evans which helps identify verbal and emotional abuse and gives ways to counter it. It's likely you've been in denial a long time and need time to recover.

Has the counsellor spoken to him yet? Just curious. If she has said this based on one-side of the story, I would be a little leary of following the advice.

I'm not saying you are lying. You are talking about a pretty serious decision. I'd want a second opinion.

Take it from a guy whose wife left, probably on the advice of a counsellor who never spoke with the other side of the story.

If she has spoken with him and made this observation, then I would still seek a second opinion before proceeding.

There are many counsellors who are not pro-marriage.

With that said, if you don't feel safe, then you need to leave. However, by following her advice, you are betting that he WILL become physically abusive.

The statement that he has the potential to become physically abusive is meaningless. Everyone has the potential to become abusive, verbally and physically. So if that is her position, he should probably leave you too!

I'm not in your shoes, only you know if what she says has merit.

But I would be initially skeptical if she made this determination without any dealings with him.

T

Be really sure the counselor is behaving ethically.

I saw one I liked but stopped seeing because of the things she said about my H. Here's why I don't think she was being ethical - when a person goes to a counselor and is emotionally vulnerable, the counselor has a special responsibility to that person. My IC was not encouraging me to look at both sides and make my own decision - she was trying to influence me to do what she wanted me to do.

I tend to be suspicious of a counselor who would give that advice without any prior incident to warrant it. My "feels funny" flag just went up.

the MC spoke with him several times prior to seeing me. he initially did not want MC but wanted to seek therapy alone. she advised him that MC was a good idea, so he changed his mind.

she encouraged me to leave after speaking to me and hearing my side of the story. she did not immediately make the suggestion... her first suggestion was that we not make any major decisions for several weeks... she made the suggestion to leave upon hearing of several things that my H has said and things that he has done. her suggestion to leave was more to get us out of the house, away from him... to let him work on himself, to allow me a "safe" place to observe whether or not he can/ will change his abusive behavior over time. she suggested that we could always reconcile. i do not believe that she is "anti-marriage". she actually seemed rather sympathetic towards my H.

i am going to take my time with this decision. i do not feel in any immediate physical danger, so i am developing a plan to leave without any financial ramifications for either of us. plus, i would like to leave in the most amicable manner.

she is not the only person who has observed my H and his behavior. other people (not therapists) have observed him and have suggested that i leave, as well. plus, i have been considering it for quite a while myself.

thank you for the book suggestion. i will pick up a copy of it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

There is more to the story than we can read here. My guess: the counselor recognizes danger signs with the verbal abuse, and her talks with your H gave her more clues that impel her to recommend you leave him.

Statistically, women who leave abusive relationships with men are in the most danger at the time they leave those relationships. Although their men criticize and belittle them, and maybe abuse them physically, and demean and devalue them, that doesn't mean that they are willing to let their "worthless, sexless, ugly, stupid ..." or fill in the blank, women LEAVE them.

Logically it would follow that since they don't value, desire or admire their women, they would be eager to help them to go on their way. But that's not what happens. As long as their worthless, ugly, stupid, unattractive spouses remain in the relationship, the abuser has a kind of sick control. He can reject the woman daily and even hourly, and it is all her fault.

Your counselor warned you to leave without letting him know because she has discerned something in your husband that she recognizes as possibly dangerous. You must respect her training and experience.

Right now, start going through the bank accounts and get ready to drain them. Go through your photograph albums, keepsakes, baby pictures and videos, and move them to a storage place where they are safe so you won't be tempted to go home and get that irreplaceable item.

Set up an emergency plan, have a "war chest" full of money someplace outside of the house, money you can live on until you are completely outside his reach.

Know also that if you leave, he will try to lure you back. He will want to meet and talk, and he will make it sound so reasonable that you may find no logical reason to refuse. Your answer must be "No. That's not possible." with no reason or excuse. If you give a reason or excuse he will shoot it down. Once you are out, you don't leave the door open or unlocked.

He might try to win you back by enlisting the help of friends or family. He might promise to reform. He might offer to renew your vows, to go into serious marriage counseling. He might do some romantic public gesture, like get down on one knee in a restaurant with your friends in the place, He might even write you a large check as an incentive to stay in the marriage. (My girlfriend's husband did just this. He stole the money from her after they reconciled, and is in the process of trying to get her on trial for a bogus "attempted murder" charge, while draining the community property resources to support his still married girlfriend.)

But I digress. Listen to your counselor.

i have been developing a plan. i am setting up my own checking account w/ funds from our joint acct; i am considering taking out a small loan to establish a separate residence; and hire movers to move my things one day while he is at work.

i was considering telling him about leaving during a counseling session w/ our MC on the same day that i have the stuff moved... that way it is not impersonal w/ just a note; however, there will be a separate person present. i was going to discuss this with the MC to see what she thinks about it. i am afraid that he will "flip" if i just leave him a note...

we are going to have to meet at times: he will have to have visitation w/ our daughter. this is what i have the most confusion about. he has not done anything that legally warrants that he should have limited/ supervised visitation.

i really don't know how to go about leaving him in an amicable way.

Since you can't think of any reason that legally warrants supervised visition, have a private session with your counselor and ask her to share with you her perceptions of your husband that caused her to tell you to leave without letting him know beforehand. Like I posted, she may have seen danger signs, recognized them from experience and training. If she does tell you that she thinks he could be dangerous, enlist her help in writing to the court to get supervised visitation.

Have you personally ever had second thoughts about his temper or thought he could be dangerous?

i am planning on seeing her several times prior to leaving my H.

he has done some things that i can see as "red flags". he throws things around, he has balled up his fists (at my daughter), he has made threatening comments (like how he's going to tear up or cut up something of value), he has talked about how he would enjoy hurting someone/ something (birds, burglars, etc), and his behavior has been erratic lately. he just started a behavioral medication, and he has been acting kind of "up and down".

i have questioned whether he could become abusive (especially towards our duaghter), due to things that he has said or by gestures.

i will definitely talk more about this w/ the MC.