Think of love as a VERB-ACT LOVING .

Yes its ACTING..

Remember when you had to be a calm, careful, kind mother to one of your kids when you did not feel like it because they were fraying your very last nerve? When you were exhausted? When you wanted to scream? ... and you mothered well ... despite your disinclination to do so.

You took on the responsibility as a parent to put your own needs and wants aside at times for the welfare of the child. You are loving in action even when you want them to just go away and leave you alone.

Well, marriage vows are a lot like that. You did not vow to always feel like loving ... but you vowed to be loving and kind and faithful and all that jazz despite your feelings.

It's the promise you made to yourself, to your witnesses, to your God, and lastly to your husband.

There has been far too much unkindness between you for far too long. Let it end now.

And I think Bass needs to take the lead here ... even tho he is technically the BS ... Bass needs to take the lead anyway. Even if he doesn't want to. Even if he gets a brick wall for awhile. Bass needs to make this his Plan A hill-to-die-on .... he has some milage to cover and a lot to atone for. For the marriage. For his wife. And largely, for Bass himself. He needs to be the leader, not the manager-controller. The leader who leads by example. And, he admits, he's done a pisspoor job of leadership many times in the past. Do it Bass. Just do it. Be the leader. Don't be reactionary. Be pro-active. Be the example we can all look up to Bass. Be a real man. A real man takes care of his own without regrets and complaining. Do it Bass even if your hurting wife cannot join you in this task for awhile. Do it anyway because it is the right thing to do. It makes you a man you can be proud of. Build your character this way Bass ... every day challenge yourself to make this home a safe place for your wife to be. This is no turn-around misson. It is a long term effort. But what you could lose is so huge, so do it.

Pep

Win & Bass,
You both really need to cop a chill!

Why is it so easy for you two to say no it won’t work…that it can’t work…But hard to try and make it work! And Win if you will recall my last post to you, I did not direct my criticism to you…anymore then I did to Bass.

Pep is offering you a simple exercise that may just help to change the course of your relationship. Why is that you feel the need to argue her motives or assertions or beliefs? Her post isn’t about that!

Her motives are hers and if you disagree so what? The central theme is what her post is all about; finding a pragmatic, pro-active course of action that requires nothing from either of you but to make an effort in simple civility and kindness toward each other! Yet you two choose to negate her suggestion and why? Because she’s made certain suppositions that you find presumptuous? Or what?

I said it in my last post and I’ll say it again. Send your kids to boarding school! As parents you two don’t show the maturity needed to raise them into who you want them to be…and yes Win, how presumptuous of me to assume that I know what you may want them to be…or maybe I’m just choosing to give you the benefit of the doubt on that one…maybe do you think?
Coach

Seriously, guys, please lay off on the comments about our kids. Our relationship isn't good but our kids sure are. Both of them are very smart, well-behaved and happy. You don't know us, and you don't know our kids. Criticize us all you want, because I'm selfish and Win is hostile, but we do not treat our kids that way. So just LAY OFF.

Thank you.

Thanks for the challenge, Pep. I need to go home and review Plan A. I gotta be nice to Win now and just try to be patient. It's so hard, because I know she's most of the way out the door and I really don't want to lose her. But I know I can't control her into the relationship, and I can't guilt her into it. I just have to be a good man and offer her a good choice.

I screwed up plan A before but she didn't give up OM either, so we're both still trying to start from square one. I am ready to try and do this right. I have to do it for us and not worry about Win is going to do. It's just so damn hard. I've had her love for so long it's like my soul is missing without her beside me. But I gotta man up and do the right thing right now. You're right, this is truly my last chance.

It's a lot more than being "nice" Bass.

It's being good and true. Being strong.
Being supportive.
Listening.
Not reacting.

Know what, I confess, when someone says "You're nice" to me ... I just hate that. "Nice" is for your old aunt Bessie ... you've got to be an example of a pillar of strength for her.

Screw "nice"

~LOL~

opinionated little squirt, ain't I?

Pep

Children learn what parents teach. Re-read my post. I have no doubt as to your ambitions, good intentions, love and care for your children...So you're absolutely posative that they are not affected by the relationship between you and your wife?

OK, Bass, I'll lay off...still, it's nice to know that there is a subject that you two may agree on and will set aside some of the moments hostility to address...

Coach

Yeah, I need a lot of work on listening and not reacting. I talk a lot, too much in fact. It's funny, one of Win's complaints about me is that I would never talk to her. Now I'm sure she would just like me to shut up most of the time!

;-)

Thanks for the good advice.

controlling = talking too much

leadership = ______ ? What? YOU fill in the blank. Lead with as few words as possible.

Pep

Thanks, Coach. And yes, I think our kids have not been affected too badly by this stuff yet. We have kept our discussions quiet. Neither one of us likes to yell. Our kids are still very happy, although sometimes I think our daughter senses something's wrong. My son is way into his hobbies and I'm fairly certain he's oblivious. I actually think he's been happier lately, because I've been spending more time with him.

That's why I feel really bad about telling them we are spliting up (if it happens), because it's going to come out of the blue for them. That's what I hate thinking about the most, and I think Win would agree with me on that. I'm sure the kids are the only reason she's stayed so far.

shut up Bass ...

This could be construed as a controlling remark.

Less is more Bass.

Pep

<zip>

Mouth is closed...

>zip<

mine too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

A quote I got from another website:

I have chilled, like ice, in a dry martini.

No ice in a dry martini, to be acurate, ice is what's used to chill a dry martini? But doesn't that make for a more interesting analogy anyway? So Win, how about humoring an old simp (that being me) andsharing what it is that you really want?

What I mean is, if you could have "blank check" with no paybacks or residuales coming back "atcha" what would you really do? Stay, go, what?
Coach

To go.

So go. Stop with the BS & go.
Coach