I recently was asked to fill out a questionnaire as part of a background investigation being completed on my WH, who is striving to become a cop. I was very unbiased, stating both positive and negative qualities that my WH possesses and also specifying which I think will allow him to become a good law enforcement officer.

My biggest qualm or shall I say worries involve the decisions WH has made when he is under the influence. In reflecting back, every "bad event" in my WH's life has involved alcohol: DUI, getting into fights, passing out, vandolism (keying cars), excessively sick/hungover, anger, infidelity, being kicked out of bars...a lot of this has haunted him in previous applications to various other jobs including law enforcement which he applied to many years ago prior to giving a go at firefighting. When I met WH, he had tapered his drinking a bit as means to prepare for a sub 3 hour marathon with which he accomplished. Then, he gave up drinking as means to get through a very tough volunteer fire academy with which he accomplished with much success. This was the point where I believe WH was his happiest...it was stressful on our marriage because of the time spent apart but once he graduated, he finally felt satisfaction in career and was excited about our life together. After the academy, he stayed dry for awhile but as he started to becom discontent with lack of offers for becoming a paid firefighter, he started drinking again. He had already given up on running for the most part, socially isolating himself from the common friends we had to get drunk with co-workers. Eventually, this lead to an affair with a co-worker post happy hour one night. I know this messed with my WH's head but he continued to drink, started going to strip bars, continued the affair with the co-worker and became increasingly cold towards me despite my efforts to try to reach out to him. Sometimes, unneccessary anger was transformed onto me...I had no clue where this was coming from. A week prior to D-Day, he failed to come home after a night of drinking and then a week later when he dropped the bomb, he did so under the influence. My question is that when does a relationship with alcohol cross into the "alcoholic" description. I know my husband is not addicted to alcohol but I think he needs it to let his guard down and feel "big" when out. Unfortunately, he has never been a mature drinker and consequently many bad things have occurred after a night of drinking. THe most recent, our divorce. Any input is greatly appreciated.

THanks,

Muels

I may be totally wrong, but in my opinion, he's crossed that line long ago.

I am now DV from my alcoholic husband. For years, I believed he just drank too much, but that he could control it and wasn't addicted, because he want through many "dry spells" on his own, without help. But the fact is, he can't face reality without alcohol. He always went back to it when things got tough.

And his actions mirror a lot of your husbands actions.

Bottom line: If you are seriously concerned that a friend or loved one is an alcoholic, they probably are.

It wasn't until I've been out of the situation now for over a year that I've realized in reading others posts and remembering what I experienced, just how screwed up our family life was because of his drinking and how it caused him to act.

And this may not be what you want to hear, but given what you just wrote, I don't think he has any business in law enforcement. Bad mix!

Please be careful.

I am not sure what will become of my input in his quest become a cop. I do know that WH, when focused or passionate on something, will put 100% of his efforts into achieving that goal. This is why he gave up drinking during the fire academy and I also know he was a bit more aware of his drinking when around me (I don't drink that often and when I do, it is socially). Perhaps he resented me in the end for this because it is obvious, WH feels more comfortable in a crowd (especially when he doesn't know people that well) when he is drunk. Perhaps he felt more socially accepted when he was drinking with his co-workers or his new girlfriend with whom he can get trashed with (she just recently graduated from high school). WH definitely seems to thrive while in the limelight yet while in this drunken wild state, there is an ugly side of him that is revealed, a side that often makes him look like an a**. Another note, I do remember early on when we were dating...if he would get excessively drunk/sick, he'd get all mopey and say things like, "I am an idiot. Why are you with me? You are going to leave me. You are too good." Guessing goes along with an alcholics tendency to have low self esteem????

Unfortunately, I do think there are too many cops that have this problem with self esteem and need to use/abuse a position of power to make themselves feel "big".

Oh boy, kjb...

I am now divorced from an alcoholic husband. I am proud to say that, today, he is sober 6 weeks and is actively working "the Program." Many of his actions when he was drinking, mimic your WH's. I believe this is of critical importance to your WH's application because I used to represent a VERY large municipal police department. Because of that I got to know many police officers. A very large number are, in my estimation, alcoholics. As a profession, infidelity runs rampant, as well. I think the way you put it to us is how you could put it to them:

WH, when focused or passionate on something, will put 100% of his efforts into achieving that goal. '

Also tell them that at times, though, he does drink to excess. Regardless, when they do the background check and see his DUI history and any other criminal charges that resulted from the other activities.

Regards,

Brit's Brat

Yeah, his passion for achieving a goal is one of his positive qualities and one quality that lead me to fall in love with WH. However, I also mentioned that WH has a tendency to deal with stress/insecurity with alcohol which has lead him to make some bad decisions including his infidelity, drunk driving, vandolism, etc. When drunk, he also has a tendency to transform his anger onto innocent parties. One night while out dancing with friends and WH, WH came out of the bathroom and became excessively confrontational with guys who had merely started dancing in a circle with my friends and I...consequence: we were kicked out. The one thing I said he needs to improve on is finding an alternate outlet to deal with stress which I think he is capable of. It is funny (well not funny) but the first thing one of his close friends said when I called on D-Day frantically looking for him was..."oh god, I hope he isn't drinking himself to death." Guess this spells it out right there. Of course, WH will deny depression, a problem until the day he dies...I just hope and pray that he has the will power to seek out help before he hurts himself or another innocent party (even potentially his LE partner if he gets the job).

Is there anything else I should or can do?

He sounds just like an alcoholic personality to me. They are extremely passionate, almost obessessive, about achiving goals. What determines an alcoholic is not how much they drink, or how often, but what happens when do they drink. Does his personality change? Does he often drink to drunkeness when he does drink? Or does he routinely just have 1 or 2?

He sure doesn't sound like the kind of man who could handle the responsibility of being a cop.

Yeah, I am not sure what will happen. When I met him, I'd say the sky was the limit. He had made a lot of positive strides from what behaviors he had engaged in during his formative years as well as early adulthood. It seems like he is reliving past behavior or perhaps I just had met someone who had briefly morphed into a better person. I guess these are the chances we take in life. He honestly made me a better person in that he balanced my serious side and I know I tamed his wild side. However, I think his low self esteem and potential depression has gotten the best of him which is why he has returned to drinking and is making bad choices again. There no longer is anything I can really do. I have given my helping hand only to be slapped and hurt more. I am keeping my distance and moving forward with my life.

Muels