I wanted to know when it is time to start to trust what my wife is telling me and stop snooping. It has been about a month since d-day, and we have been through a lot. She had a PA/EA with Boss. She claims that the PA was only one night while on a business trip 3 years ago and did not get past kissing and touching because they were in public. I pretty much believe what she is telling me is the truth. I found some explicit emails between the two of them from a few months ago. This was when I found out that something was going on. It then took a week before she told me about the one night on the business trip.

Since then we have been reading SAA and have been "Openly" talking about the affair. She claims that nothing more has happened but I have a hard time believing her. I have been doing a lot of snooping lately and have found nothing to beleive that there is anything else going on with OM or anyone else.

She knows that our marriage will not last if she continues at her job. She has since found a new job and will be giving a two week notice in two weeks. She will be going from roughly $120,000 a year to around $60,000. She also really loves her job what knows that it is not the right situation for her to be in with the OM there.

I have a lot of respect for her to make that commitment to our marriage. My question is when can Start to lay off of the snooping and start to believe what she is telling me. I have told her that I will not be able to forgive her until she finally is not employed at current job. I just hope some of you could give me some advice on what you have been through in this situation.

For those of you that are at least 6 months after d-day and have not found anything new after snooping do you let the snooping go and just beleive the WS, or do you still continue to snoop but just not on a regular basis. She truely is a wonderful person and I could not imagine living without her. We are both commited to keep the marriage for ourselves and our daughter.

Do you think that because she is leaving the job that she loves and the huge pay cut that I should take that as she is true to making this want to work and that she is not doing this just to have her cake and eat it to, by stinging me along.

PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE, THANKS!!!!

RM, I think it is a good idea to snoop until you feel safe again, however long that may take. You should snoop as often as you feel neccessary. For me, I probably did it on an occasional basis for at least a year and thereafter, every so often. But you can't go by what I did, just do what you need to do to feel safe again.

As far as trusting your wife again, you should trust her when she has earned your trust.

If you've been reading Dr. Harley's books and articles he states that we shouldn't trust our spouses 100%.

Snoop as much or as little as you feel like.

If she has nothing to hide she will hide nothing.

We are not entitled to a private life -privacy- within a marriage. There should be no need for one.

Read HNHN and Love Busters too.

Thank you both for your advice. At this point it is like an addiction of trying to find more. In all honestly I do not want to find more but I cannot stop snooping at this point. I know that it just makes it worse because I feel sick everytime that I do it, thinking that I am going to find something. I was thinking of snooping until she leaves her current job where the OM is and then slowly start to grow trust in her and get away from snooping on a regular basis. She knows that I am snooping on her and it makes it hard for both of us. She says do what you need to do, but I know that it is hard on her.

RM, are you sure it is not an obsession with protecting yourself rather than an addiction? You have been badly wounded by this betrayal, and it is normal to take every step to protect yourself. Your wound is very very fresh. There really is nothing to be sick about, you are doing absolutely nothing wrong. It is just a crying shame you were put in this position in the first place.

But, you will have to get used to this lifestyle of occasional snooping. That is what we sign up for when we agree to stay in a marriage where there has been adultery. You can't ever go back to a life of blind trust like you had before. It will never be the same again.

Why does she know you are snooping on her? I wouldn't recommend that. It sort of defeats the purpose if she knows you are watching. You need to know what she is doing when she thinks you are NOT watching. And it is also a huge drain on your marriage as you can see.

It has been 2.5 yrs since the last D-day and I still scan H's monthly cell phone for patterns etc. I felt a fool last time for stopping to receive the detailed billing thus being in the dark for longer than I needed to be. Of course, they can always get better at hiding if that is their goal...cake...

In real recovery you can usually tell and feel it in your gut.

I think we get compulsive about certain things like snooping because of the residual affects of PSTS. It gets better with time...subsides as you a bit feel.

Thank You ML,

I think it is an obsession with protecting myself. I am still going through a lot of pain right now. I do not want to start to truely heal and then 6 months or a year down the road find out that an A is ongoing. I would rather deal with all the pain now than have it hit me again down the road.

She can tell that I have been snooping, and I have been stupid enough to ask her questions about what I have found. Of course from what she tells me they all turn out to be nothing. She does not know the extent of what I am able to do to check up on her so I figure if something is going on she will have to slip up somewhere.


At this time I feel in my gut that there is more to what has happened or to what is still going on.. I am sure that is because it is still so fresh in my mind. I hope that in the next few weeks I find nothing so that I can start to have some trust again.....

I do feel that her leaving her job is going a long ways towards her trying to build my trust, but since she has not left yet she has not technically started to gain my trust back. If that makes sense!!!

I think your snooping is justified, I think it's only natural. I would, however, stop asking her about what you've found so that she can explain it away.

-Caren

RM, everything you say and do makes perfect sense. A normal person who has been betrayed will feel a strong need to do whatever it takes to protect himself. A normal person will not trust an untrustworthy person.

Keep your eyes peeled and keep snooping until you feel safe again.

Thanks ML,

I feel like Jeckyl and Hyde. One Minute trying to catch her in a lie, and then the next minute doing everything I can to show her that I love her and that I want to be with her forever.

It's hell, isn't it? We all know what you are going through. It does get better, but just watch your back and come here and talk to us. You are very normal and you are not the bad guy for snooping! Just remember that!

I come here every day but usually do not post. I think I need to do it more often because I think it helps to talk to people that are not trying to defend themselves. I want to talk to her about it a lot and I know that it just puts more strain on the situation.

I have a question for anyone reading. How many people have had there spouses tell them that it is over and that it will never happen again, and then have that actually be the truth? I see so many posts on here to where people catch there spouses in an ongoing A after D-Day and NC letter. How many people out there can give me hope that I can have trust again...

RM, many WS' do lie and stay in touch after D-Day. Every contact after D-Day destroys trust a little more. Your hope will come from her, not us, when she truly does end contact. See, working with the OM like she is makes it impossible for your marriage to recover. Everytime she sees him puts her back to Day #1 of recovery. It puts you back to Day #1, too.

So, recovery will start when contact truly ends.

And talking about it puts a strain on HER, let's be clear about that. Getting the truth out on the table does not strain your marriage, it HEALS your marriage. You must know the truth in order to heal and move on. As long as she maintains secrets between she and the OM to which you are not privy, trust will never be restored. The wall must come down between you both and go up between she and the OM.

See what I mean?

Let me ask you a very important question. Is the OM married? And if so, has his W been told?

Yes he is Married, He is married out of having an affair. He worked with her and I think they were both married. They had an affair and then got married together. I have thought about trying to contact OM's wife but I do not want it to get ugly and have everyone that she works with find out. She is in an industry where all these companies work closely together. Plus a lot of our freinds work with her or in the same industry. I can see how telling his wife could help prevent contact but the way I look at it is that I do not want to have to rely on another person to end this I want it to be on her shoulders, if that makes sense....

When should you start trusting again? Right away!

As soon as you decide that you intend to try to make the marriage word, I feel you need to make a conscious decision to trust her/him and do just that. But the question then becomes, to what degree?

Trusting doesn’t mean acting simple stupid. It means that one makes the effort to believe that one’s WS is behaving in a loving and responsible fashion. The problem is how does one get to that point?

I think it begins with the attitude of the WS. Has that person not only made the decision to work on the marriage but shown a willingness to do the things required to make that commitment a reality? Have they forthrightly and honestly answered all the questions put to them? If there are lies, evasions of the truth, half truths still being told….or even suspected, then all bets are off. And how about NO CONTACT; complete with letter of affirmation?

Has the offending party accepted ownership for their acts? Have they recognized the fear, pain and uncertainty that they created? Are they willing to discuss the issues they have regarding the marriage itself with out trying to use their criticism of the BS as an excuse for their own actions? Are they willing to make their life an open book,…no secret e-mail accounts or pass words, v/m accounts or periods of time away that remain unexplained?

How about new relationships with friends of the opposite sex, or remaining friendships with old friends who aided in hiding the truth about the illicit relationship that took place?

Look I could go on trying to create a laundry list of prerogatives and dos & don’t but what it really boils down to is this very simple question; “is the former WS acting in a way that is trustworthy and loving?” To me, a WS who consciously demands or even requests that you to stop “snooping” are not yet in the total trusts zone.

I feel that the attitude that a WS needs to communicate is, “ask me any question any time about anything and I will answer you the best I can.” “Check anything you want any time you want; I have nothing to hide!” When you begin to hear this, then maybe blind trust becomes an option…maybe!
Coach

Believe me, the single most important thing you could do to ensure this little affair is busted up and stays that way is to tell his wife. To not tell her is tantamount to helping them keep their dirty little secret. What is ugly is the affair, not telling the victim the truth.

If you want to take a huge step in ensuring this affair does not resume, then do yourself, and the OM's W, a huge favor and tell the woman. This exposure helps you ensure the affair does not resume because instead of having one person watch them [you], there would be two people watching them from both ends. This lady needs to be told!

You would be doing the decent, compassionate thing by telling her that her H is/was destroying her behind her back. She needs to know so she can protect herself from her H and your W. This is information about HER life that is being cruelly and wrongfully withheld from her.

Just ask yourself this, if you knew your neighbor's bookkeeper was embezzling money frm him, would you hesitate for one second to warn him? Of course you wouldn't. Well, it is the exact same principle, but for some strange reason, some folks are hesistant to warn victims of adultery.

RM, please do the decent thing and warn this woman. You are doing nothing more than enabling her sleazy H to get away with cruel, destructive behavior, at her expense.

With my H's A, we had 3 false recoveries--each successive one breaking my heart even more and destroying even more trust. I still snoop and have a hard time trusting. I go based on what I am seeing in his actions. I remember what it felt like when the A was active and I watch for those signs. I am constantly afraid to be blind-sided like that again, but I have given him more trust as he has earned it.
As a FWW, as well as a BS, I can tell you that I would trust the feelings you are having. She probably has not come completely clean.
I do think the fact that she is quitting her job and taking such a huge cut in pay is a good sign though.

Good Luck