STBXH moved out 8 months ago. We had MC for 5 months, not good. Found out about the OW 3 months after he left. He STILL won't admit the affair. "Just friends"!!!

Blames me for everything. I filed for a divorce 3 weeks aog. Even though I don't want one. I had to after finding a picture of him with her!

We are both in IC, not MC. I've almost completed "Love must be Tough". Wish I had read it sooner.

I'm not as desperate and needy as I was in the beginning. My stbxh moved out on his 40th birthday.

The counselor tells me we need to become whole people and responsible for our own selves first. Sometimes people get right to the end of the D and stop it or divorce and then re marry.

I have issues, he has issues. 2 boys, 15 and 10. First marriage for both, 18 years.

What now? ? ?

Dinky, I would run to the bookstore and get Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. It is an excellent book that will give you a good overview of Marriage Builders principles. It will give you ideas on how to attract your H back into the marriage.

You say you are not desperate and needy now. Are you behaving in a way that he would find attractive?

Why do you think he left the marriage? What were his issues?

His original complaints were things like:
I'm jealous of my own kids, I walk in the house and they're both drapped over you and you're scratching their backs.

You don't compliment me enough. (Very conscious of his physical appearance)

You don't touch me enough.

We don't have sex often enough.

After that I jumped to fix all the things that were wrong. Two weeks goes by, and he's still miserable. He tells me ILYBINILWY, I'm not sure I want you and the boys, and I forget what the 3rd thing was right now.

Oh yes, he said "I'm not sure I want you and the boys". They're his boys, too.

I was afraid he was suicidal. Long story short there was a blonde at work he had been having an emotional affair with for about a year. He admitted that when he decided he wanted to come home in February. He quickly took back the "I want to come home" in less than 24 hours. That hurt.

I've read all the stuff on the web site about infidelity, love busters, plan a and b, etc. I usually use Loveshack but I'm desperate for some new input.

I just need the TRUTH! ! !

Dinky

Also, he says things like: "you seem to have moved on too easily to really want me".

The counselor says he enjoys the head game of it. I'm strong. I don't want to have any regrets. I don't want to be a victim.

I'll see the counselor Tuesday.

He is a WS and babbles. As long as he is in this state, you will not get the truth. What you will get is pieces of the truth between the babble.

The BS needs to learn to navigate through the babble and find the truth.

Listen to the suggestions previously given. Read Surviving an Affair.

L.

He doesn't admit to an affair. He's been gone 8 months and I'm still supposed to try plan A?

Long story short~~
He hasn't had our kids every other weekend like the average couple. I didn't want to push that.

Last Sunday our 15 yo got mad at me and wanted to go stay with dad. I thought, great, we both need a break and if the stbxh is doing something on the side then it'll be hard to hide from our son.

He wanted me to get him for the weekend. Hmmm, so I did. About 8:30pm. He lives 3 miles away. I went to his house about 10:15pm and he was gone. Checked again at 11:00pm, still gone. Our electricity went out about 3am. I already couldn't sleep. Went to his house and still not home. I went to WalMart to pick up hurricane supplies. I'm in Florida. We got hit pretty hard last year.

For the entire 8 months I've given him the benefit of the doubt. I haven't followed him, checked on him, caused a scene when I found out about the OW. Nothing. Tonight was the first time I checked to see if he was sleeping at his house.

My only point is that he CAN'T have his cake and eat it too!

I feel like a fool. I'm tired of the lies.

Dinky

WS' try to have their cake and eat it too. They also try to get the BS to serve it to them.

While you can't control a WS, you can control how much you allow yourself to enable or engage in the A.

What are your personal boundaries?

L.

Why haven't you followed him or checked up on him? If you did that then you would know the truth. He is not going to bust himself. You should start following him and finding out what is going on, Dinky, so you can EXPOSE his affair. That is your first step. You must know the truth so you can work on busting up the affair!

The second step is to do everything in your power to attract him back. Ask yourself this: if you were him, would you be attracted to you?

You have alot of work to do, Dinky! Time is a wasting..

Question~is it the original woman he left me for or has it become sport sex? I thought I knew him~if I did at all it's the same blonde at work. He quit his job in February, and really I was relieved. He hasn't worked since. Now he's starting his own business.

So how do I expose the affair anymore than I already have. Our oldest son is the one who told me about her. We found the picture of them together. I called her April 6. She agrees they're "just friends".

I thought I was taking the high road and not wasting my energy by playing PI.

How great is this guy that's been dragging me down for sooooo long now? Man of my dreams~NOT!

What kind of an example is he setting for our boys? Treat women like crap and they'll come back for more?

I've become just a little bitter.

And BTW, one of his other demands in reference to his original list of complaints was that I get a job with benefits. I have been and continue to be the primary care giver of our 2 boys. My youngest has mild cerebral palsy. Both boys see a neurologist. My stbxh has never met him BTW. My youngest had a 72 hr eeg just this week.

I got the job 2 weeks after he moved out. Working at UPS 4a to 9a. My parents have helped me with the kids, not him. He's been trying to find himself. My job supplies our medical insurance since he abrupty quit his in Feb.

I am independent and can take care of myself and the boys without him. I will do what I have to do. I'm just over the lies.

No I will not serve his cake to him. What do you suggest other than the book, Surviving an Affair, which I will get today. I'm angry, really angry.

I have changed alot since this started. I wasn't bad to begin with. I'm attractive, out going, trustworthy, fun, a great mother, hard worker, intelligent, nature loving, the list contines. He's the one losing the best thing that ever happened to him.

He has "trust issues" from his dad. That's why he's in IC. I'm co dependent to a fault. I'm trying to become a whole person. We see a Christian counselor. I always feel better after I see him. The MC we saw together blamed me for everything. We got no where with him. The counselor we see now is the one we saw origianlly in September who diagnosed the problem as "trust issues". It was a money issue why we didn't continue to see him. Funny how things work out. With my new insurance we can see him for a $20 co pay. Great!

Thanks for the advice even though I sound a little sarcastic. I've done alot of work on myself during this separation.

Dinky

Do you want to save your marriage or not?

Have you been fun and pleasant to be around since he left? How have you treated him since he left?

Hi Dinky,

So,what is your plan? You know about our concepts here and it's been 8+ months.Even if you still question whether or not he is having an A,his behavior is not one of a loving supportive spouse or Father.In either scenario,you have to make some decisions about what you want.

Also,if I may say so,you need a PRO MARRIAGE counselor.Not one who may just be focusing on what your WH and his IC think is the issue.Trust is built between two people by actions that aren't hurtful and are caring and over time.Your (W)H is failing right now and you have to look at your own actions too.Your H needs to get his act together and start supporting his family.Starting his own business could be a good thing or maybe bad.Does he need a lot of money upfront? Is he going to jeopardize his family financially? If you can survive on your own,what are your boundaries? Is your H breaching them or abiding by them?

If you want to investigate further whether or not your H is cheating,you do have to snoop and perhaps hire someone to help(PI).Otherwise this situation could go on and on and it doesn't sound too pleasing to me.

Another great book that helped me was,"NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.Very insightful.

Lastly,Plan A is not designed for 8+ months.You may need to go to Plan B but I'm not clear on what you are doing or what you want.You should put the D on hold and also your H should move back in if you both want to work on the marriage.If your H refuses and wants to live on his own(wherever that is)then he may just want to keep on cheating(if he is) and live a single life,in which case you again have decisions to make about what YOU want.Separation just makes you separate and I personally do not believe it helps couples.

O

He doesn't want to come home. He cashed in his 401 about 1 month ago. He doesn't support me or the kids. I didn't get any of the $ from the 401K. I have been too, too, too, permissive.

He never wanted to go back to the original counselor. Only after I filed for D did he do it. He's enjoying a double life. He was until last night. His mother wanted to hire a PI in the beginning and I thought it was a waste of money. Hindsight 20/20.

I have been the stable one here. Yes, emotional as hell on occasion. Give me a small break. I never saw this coming. Color me surprised.

The trust issues come from his father having a lifetime of affairs on his mom. Always accusing her of them. They divorced when my H was 18. She moved back in a year later and never remarried him because he wouldn't marry her. On his death bed he told her "there were more women than you ever knew about". He said this as she was cleaning his bum. At his viewing his current girlfriend showed up and his mom asked her to leave. Can you say "victim"? ? ?

I'm not following in her footsteps.

Well,they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and your H is showing signs of his past.But there is free will/CHOICE.My Mom was an acoloholic and I grew up with that in my teens but I CHOSE not to become one too.I am a confirmed teetotaler.Always have been,always will be.No excuses.

If your H is not supporting you and the children then you may have to take the legal route.Afterall,if your H won't go to MC with you and you are just living separate lives and he refuses to come home to work on things,then its time to up the ante.Get a LEGAL separation in place where he will have to support you and the kids.A judge will frown upon any man(or woman) not actively supporting their children,let alone you.He will have to get work and fast if you get Lawyers involved.You have to be clear about all this.Your H can easily put you all in financial ruin if he keeps using his retirement funds(and yours if joint) to finance his bad behavior or incurrs debt.You have to put a stop to that and many times it has to be the legal way.Things can quickly escalate from bad to worse and right now you need to protect those kids and get some order established.Sometimes,many times,it means putting the marriage and reconciliation on hold to ensure some security with a WS.

O

dinky,

1. contact a lawyer and get financial protection. he is squandering YOU and the children's money. He should be paying child support. To allow this to go on unabated is tantamount to enabling his affair.

Guess who will be on the hook for the taxes for squandering that 401K? YOU!

2. hire a P.I. and get the goods on his affair. Use the info to expose and bust up the affair

This little fantasy affair has been allowed to go on so long because no one has done anything to stop it. Exposure takes all the fun out an affair because it inserts some much needed reality into the fog.

Taking him to court and stopping his little spending spree and forcing him to pay child support will also insert some much needed reality into his fairy tale life.

You have lots of opportunities here that you are not using. Get to work, Dinky, you are way behind!

And again, I need to understand how you have treated him since he left. Can you give me a good picture?

I paid a retainer fee to an attorney 4 weeks ago. I did alot of investigating before I spent my money. They have a great reputation. They're known as the "ball busters".

I have to complete paperwork and give it to them in order for him to be served. I don't want a divorce but I won't be treated like a welcome mat.

I guess I can check into a PI. Nothing to lose except more money. I know it's the the blonde from work. His previous work. Currently unemployed, going on 5 months.

I've been reading the thread from Pebbles. Haven't finished it yet.

How and who do I expose the affair to? ? ? Our oldest son is the one who told me about it. He's the one who found the picture. How much more exposure is needed? Still he insists "no affair".

I have alot to learn. I'm ok. I'm the one who chose IC instead of MC. I hope he will be ok. I know I will. I just want no regrets.

Thanks to everyone at MB. I should have posted here sooner.

Dinky

I've been much more pleasant at times but not perfect. I can't really explain my behavior right now. I'm in a fog. I'm understanding now the "fog babble". He's had me in shambles with that. Now that I can see through his babble I will be able to handle him better.

There have been many a day that I want a divorce for me to move onto greener pastures. He's immature, self centered, paranoid, low self esteem, and the father of my boys. I do love him. Sometimes I think I'd be better off without the jerk.

He's been a real winner the last 8 months.

I understand plan A, not easy to do 30 days out of the month. Especially when I catch him lying and he still tries to lie his way out of it.

Thanks for caring about my situation.

Dinky

I'm REALLY happy that you've made it here to MB. As I've told you before MANY TIMES <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />...I think you need a PLAN.

If it was going to be easy for you to let go of your marriage, you'd have done it a long time ago. That leads me to believe that in your heart of hearts, you really do want to reconcile the marriage.

You've got some of the BEST posters available to help you here. LISTEN TO THEM. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know you're angry with him. Who wouldn't be? You've been left to manage the homefront on your own....while hubby goes off to attend a gargantuan MIDLIFE CRISIS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

But again, I say....if you didn't still want him, you wouldn't still be here.

Listen to these folks, Sweetie. They know what they're talking about. You're in a good place here. And if it all goes to pot, at least you know that it was NEVER because you didn't do all that you could.

You're NOT a fool for hanging in there. You're NOT a hopeless co-dependant. NOBODY is keeping track, and nobody is keeping score. And it's okay to give a little in regards to pride. You can do that, and still be playing it smart....if you have the right tools.

In one of my first post to you, I told you that both you and your husband reminded me of two people drowning....each waiting for the other to save them. In some respects, that's STILL true. Although...you're doing a fairly respectable dog-paddle these days!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Give it a go....what do you have to lose that isn't already lost?

Pain, so much pain. I went to the counselor today. He always makes me feel ok, even better. His advice today was to take a 30 day break from marriage or divorce.

My H hasn't been served and won't be until I make my next step.

I never knew he could hurt me so bad. I guess he's enjoying the wants and desires of 2 women. This woman is stepping back for now. That always seems to bring him around.

I have been wonderful to him. He makes me nuts with all his babble.

For my own personal sanity I have to step back.

Thanks to everyone. I understand I have to do all the work to save the marriage but right now my heart and head hurt too much to work for anything.

Dinky