I know this is going to sound really crazy, but I'm starting to get worried that I'm not going through any withdrawal symptoms like I did in the past and in all the posts that I've read. It's been 2 1/2 weeks since complete NC/Recovery, and the only things I've experienced are some random thoughts and dreams about the OM - and neither is of any consequence. Meaning, they're not even good thoughts nor dreams about the OM. Shouldn't I be missing the OM or something? Some of you were around when I tried NC before and failed miesrable and knew me when I was just an absolute raving demon-possessed, tormented lunatic. Shouldn't I be in tears and hurting at least a little? I'm just afraid that withdrawal can actually be delayed and creep up on you weeks or months after NC? Has this happened to anyone else? Should I be bracing myself for some horrible attack? In reading all the posts, I thought the 1st 3 weeks are the worst?? Am I just numb for now or is it really possible that one can end a 1.5 yrs of A + prior friendship and not feel a thing? Please advise.

Thanks,

Dear Whisper,
I dunno.
Sometimes it's simply been "enough" - enough misery, enough stress, and something snaps inside. Then it's not just your mind that says you should stop, your emotions agree and you're SO over something or someone that it's hard to believe.

On the other hand, if you are somewhat numb or in denial or whatever, you'll find out soon enough next time you should normally be triggered by some memory, or even an accidental meeting/glance with/of OM.

If you're really over him now - that's great! It means you can move on with YOUR life, your dreams and hopes, instead of drifting around on a sea of couldbees mightbees wannabees willprobablyneverbees.

If you do get into withdrawl - hang in there. One "cigarette" or one so-called "harmless puff" WILL put your resolve to stop "smoking" in danger!!

It is possible you are having no withdrawl or there could be at some point a dealayed reaction. Continue to be very cautious. Addition, and thus withdrawl are tricking things.

Continued luck to you and always rememember IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!

Whisper,
Don't focus on withdrawal or the lack thereof. Spending time wondering why you are not feeling certain things is a waste of time and energy.

Focus on positive things... your life today and how you can move forward.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

By your own admission you already went through withdrawl hell in the past when you tried NC from the OM so MAYBE you are not experiencing the withdrawl pains because now, unlike before, there are more negatives in your mind associated with the OM and the affair than there are positives ones. The fondness of the OM and the affair MAY have been replaced by disgust for both. If that's the case then there is really nothing to mourn about.

TMCM

Thank you all. I'm sure you're right. Perhaps I've just gone through so much already that I finally "just had it" with the A and am so ready to move on. Regardless if it is delayed or I'm just over it, I think Susan said it best - dwelling on why I'm not going through withdrawal is simply a waste of time and energy. I should be thankful that I'm not going through withdrawal (period).

BrownH - your point is well-taken b/c the times that I actually do think about the OM is usually when my H and I are going over the bigger speedbumps. I really, really hate that, and I always feel guilty and ashamed afterwards. Although I know I wouldn't ever return to the OM (even if my H and I just couldn't work out all our issues), I need to stay cautious and not allow these fleeting (stupid) thoughts negatively affect my judgement and our progress.

Again, thanks to all who've replied.

whisper28,

Just want to caution you on one of the most infamous speed bumps [or potholes] on the road to marital recovery and that is the one that the BS experiences and usually comes up 6 months after the start of marital recovery. It is akin to a delayed reaction where the BS experiences a despondency towards the marriage and the FWS. One of the most recent examples of this is the case of a FWW, Deeplysorry, and her BH, Sprint. It doesn't happen in every case but it happens often enough that it deserves important attention and consideration in order to get through it.

TMCM

TMCM,

I'm not familiar w/ their situation. Will you please elaborate? What specifically are you referring to?

Whisper, below is some threads on the ‘no withdrawl’ phenomenon you might find interesting to read. However, I agree with you and the others that you’ve gone through so must in the past and are totally ready to move on. I also think the fact that you’ve made the decision yourself to end the A and have NC with OM (and no outside influence from your H or others to do this) plays a BIG part in the fact that you don’t really experience withdrawal now... Also, most WS’s stop contact with the OP while they’re in the midst of the A and while the love bank account for the OP is still very high. In these cases where the A end very abruptly, withdrawal is usually much harder and intense. Clearly the above was not the case with you. I think in your case, the A died more of a 'natural' death... Probably in your case, by the time you ended contact with OP, your love bank account was very low for him and therefore you felt mentally & emotionally ready to end contact and move one… And as a result you didn’t experience withdrawl either. Anyway, back to the ‘no withdrawal’ threads: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Did any other FWS not go through withdrawal?
Do all WS's experience "Withdrawal Phase" from OP?

Suzet

Suzet,

These threads help tremendously, although it does seem that most FWS who don't experience withdrawal are men. Oh well, I guess I should just count my lucky stars and not dwell on this worthless analysis any longer.

Thanks,

I find the threads on withdrawal fascinating as well. I believe I still experience withdrawal from my 3 month EA and NC has been longer than the 3-month length of the EA. I just wanted to comment on the the idea that for men the A's are all about selfishly stroking their egos. I'm sure that is true, but isn't that really what it is for all parties? In a sense aren't all using their OP's to "stroke their egos" and fill their own EN's? Even though I am not male and don't have a male ego, my needs were to feel wanted and desired also. And even though I know that is what I received from OM, I still had withdrawal from him-----knowing that there wasn't "real" love present. I am sure some of the men that were spoken about on the thread felt withdrawal from not receiving those EN's being met, even though withdrawal symptoms were not obvious.

I do think that, as a rule, men hide their emotions better than women. Also, because they don't over-analyze and obsess about their emotions like women, perhaps that's why they can "get over" their withdrawals quicker??

Although I'm not currently going through the typical withdrawal symptoms, I bear a ton of guilt and scars from what I've done to my H and my M. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm only early into plan A, and feeling a little fragile this evening, so I hope you don't mind me posting to you, whisper.

My WH left our family for the OW. Unlike many men, he falls in love easily with women he has sex with; unfortunately he is head over heals in love with OW, and has no apparent feelings for me at all, although he says he does care.

You chose to end your A and return to your marriage because you thought that your H was moving on without you, is that correct? How long did it take before you began feeling that way? Could this be the reason why you aren't having such bad symptoms?

Sorry to bombard you with all these questions - I'm not real familiar with your story, although I have picked up bits and pieces from other threads.

I know I'm very far from this yet, but WH seems so in love with OW that his withdrawal would probably be bad if he ever wanted to come back to me (he only wants a divorce at the moment). I guess there's no way to tell for sure though.

Thanks for reading this.

Alph.

{{{Alphin}}} -

"I'm only early into plan A, and feeling a little fragile this evening, so I hope you don't mind me posting to you, whisper."

>Not at all - that's why we're all here. PLEASE KEEP POSTING, AND DON'T EVER APOLOGIZE!

"Unlike many men, he falls in love easily with women he has sex with; unfortunately he is head over heals in love with OW, and has no apparent feelings for me at all, although he says he does care."

>This happened to me too. For the longest time, I thought that a D was my only choice.

"You chose to end your A and return to your marriage because you thought that your H was moving on without you, is that correct?"

>Yes.

"How long did it take before you began feeling that way?"

>I'm ashamed to admit it, but my A lasted 1 1/2 years. "Reality" started to hit me the day I went to the attorney's office to inquire about the D process. I broke down right there on her desk. Unfortunately, I was/am very, very stubborn. For 2 months, I stuck to my guns on the D thinking that was the only way out, but the horrible reality of not having my H in my life, not being able to talk to him, and not being able to grow old with him - (esp. the scary thought of living the rest of my life w/ the OM :{) chipped away at me. At first, I ignored it. Then, the the flood gates opened when I saw my H not wearing his wedding ring. I still remember that day - we met at lunch, and I thought I was going to vomit.

"Could this be the reason why you aren't having such bad symptoms?"

>Yes. I do believe it is. I think it makes a big difference when a WS makes the decision to return to their BS because that's what they WANT to do not because it's what's right. Frankly, if all the WS did what was right, we wouldn't have done it in the first place.

"WH seems so in love with OW that his withdrawal would probably be bad if he ever wanted to come back to me (he only wants a divorce at the moment). I guess there's no way to tell for sure though."

>Yes, your WH's withdrawal would be very bad right now. I know this b/c I've been there so many times during the 1.5 yrs of A. I tried repeatedly to break away because I thought that was the right thing to do, but I always caved and succombed to the addiction/withdrawal. Again, it wasn't until I realized that what I wanted was my M that I stopped having the withdrawal symptoms for the 1st time and am able to stick with it. Perhaps my story will give you some hope?? Just keep in mind that I, too, thought I was madly in love w/ the OM once and was able to to turn around. This wouldn't be possible if my H didn't put me on his version of Plan A & B (he didn't know about MB then), but the concepts and execution were identical. I hope this will happen for you and your WH too.

Hang in there.