HnH: Does a person (BS) put the affair behind them. I know this is a big question, and people are differnt. But, since there is really no way to know if what you are told is the truth or not, but you feel (hope) that it is. At what point is it detremental to the recovery to continue to try to get more info than there is.
Orchid: The spouse (former Xws) is the one who is primarily responsible for helping the BS through recovery.
If there is no M recovery, then the BS learns to put it behind them by moving forward past the D and putting their time, attention and effort into building a better future.
The hard place t/b is when the BS stays in a bad recovery under the disguise of an M. The Xws stays as a Ws or Xws and does not help in the recovery. The BS does not recover and no closure is achieved.
HnH: Is it really important to know if OP was a better lover, any physical aspects(both male and female), durations, in general, things you cannot change about yourself. What good does it do but add to insecurities.
Orchid: Those things are NOT really important but at a certain poin the BS does wonder. With that in the back of the BS' mind, it could hamper recovery. So in time the Xws has to learn not t/b a conflict avoider and answer the questions that are bothering the BS.
HnH: I almost feel like I have been told what I need to know, for me, but not all I "want" to know.
Orchid: Then you are not 'done yet'.
HnH: At what point do you just move forward? Not ask anymore questions. Stay on this board?
Orchid: When you are ready.
Stay on the board for as long as you need the support &/or as long as you can give support. It's a very flexible place t/b. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
HnH: Again everybody is different, so I expect different answers, but curious none the less.
Orchid: As long as you take the good and discard the part that is not beneficial for your sitch.
HnH: Things are going well with us right now.
Orchid: Sorry for the delayed reply. It was late and then I realized I miseed a couple of these responses. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Things can't be 'going well' right now. Can't be. He is a WS. They maybe tolerable but not well. Don't get into that fog yourself. It is a sick place t/b.
Pray for a clear mind/calm heart and lots of patience. It is vital you keep a clear mind on this matter. WS' want to muddle your brain and tie up your heart rendering the BS helpless, while both the WS and OP go and ranaack your lives.
HnH: Also, how many people look at their spouse differently now? and for how long did this go on? or do you still subcontiously have the look of dissapointment?
Orchid: Many of us look at our spouses differenntly. Generlly true recovery (with both spouses working hard together) takes at least 2 - 3 times as long as the A and the time that led up to it.
For me, part of me died when my H had the A. I can plan B in a minute and my tolerance level it high. The part that died is my ability t/b forgiving and forgetting past errors. Do I hold a grudge quicker? Nope, I tolderate less.
I find I have to. My resistance and need to fix it all for all is low. For me to survive, I have to tolerate less and do less for my H. ex: He even vacuums and makes dinner now. LOL!!! Oh yea, washes dishes ..... on occasion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
.....and without grumbling. Now that's a biggie. So not all losses are losses. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Hope this helps.
L.
