H cheated admitted to affair and i made him leave. decided that i wanted to give the marriage a try. h will not come home to work on the marriage. started therapy to help with this. h doesn't know if he still loves me. doesn't want to return to home because he doesn't trust him self to never do it again.i am really confused. he calls 3-4 times a day to talk to me. he is always at the house on his day off. how do i get him to realise that we should try to make it work. he is really confused. i have gotten over the shock of it. and have forgiven him because i understand why he did it. we had a really good marriage until the last 2 years. he works alot and i have 2 kids and his grandfather to take care of. i know that i can make it on my own. but i love him and it kills me to see him in such pain. i want my family back together. i am reading none stop but nothing fits the bill and i am afraid he will withdraw further from me. help

joanna:

IF you're not in counseling, you should be. Check out the articles on the home page here about how 2 select a counselor or coach. And seriously consider working with one of the Harleys, either Steve Harley or Jennifer Chalmers.

best
-ol' 2long

Hello, if money is an issue, one word. Bowling! gives you something else to concentrate on, gets you some exercise, and allows you to get some frustrations out. Try it, let me know.

{{{{{Joana}}}}}}}

Joanna,

Have you read 'surviving an affair'? If not please do so ASAP.

Your sitch is not unsual and bottom line there is no good excuse to have an A.

Think about plan B. Read up on it. The fact that you are taking his calls you are filling his need and allowing him to keep his WS identity.

Think about withdrawing from his drama.

L.

Joanna, has he left to be with the OW? Where does he live? It is usually a bad idea to throw out a WS because you are literally throwing him into the arms of the OP. Has that happened here?

Joanna,

There are 2 ways it can go when you kick out a WS. He can go and consider it a free ticket to continue to be a WS or feel bad and ask to come home. The later usually works quicker when $$ or the lack thereof is a hinderance and the WS is more financially dependant on the BS than visa versa.

On the other hand many a WS are willing to force their family into the streets and into bankruptucy to fuel the A.

What can you do to drain his $$ supply and secure financial stability or the best you can for you and your family? That may help.

If you need to put him out to help keep you sane and protect your love for him,then plan B may be an option. Please read up on them in the book Surviving an Affair and read the concepts section above.

Some of us plan A 1st, then have to resort to plan B because the WS learns to use plan A to enable the affair and the BS needs to protect themselves and their family.

L.

JoAnna-

I can relate to the fear that I can sense in your post, your life is spinning out of control, everything seems a life and death decision.....I know....I know.

Take a deep breath, stop asking him to come back, you've already told him this is what you want, and he's refused.

I would be upbeat/happy when you talk to him or see him. I would plan A your little butt off, show him what he's missing.

He is still undecided, I can tell you that. Otherwise he wouldn't be calling you so often. [color:"red"] USE THIS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE. [/color]

I also can relate to all the books not seeming to fit, I have a feeling that you are like me, and are thinking "Oh, no....this doesn't apply to me"..........let me just give you a shortcut, read His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair , and just deem them both applicable to your situation, because they are, and you are just in denial. It will save you a lot of time, and a lot of kicking yourself later if you just decide this now.

Keep posting here hon, we'll walk you through it.

-Caren

I am in counseling right now and reading my but off. he has this idea that he can never trust him self anymore and right now i am plan a all the way. he is no longer seeing the ow. and he misses me greatly but i have to get him to see that being apart is no good for anyone involved.

How do you know he is no longer seeing the OW? You know what, everytime i have heard that over the years in the case of a WS who didn't want to come back home, it turned out the affair was not over at all. I hope I am wrong, but what evidence do you have that the affair is really over?

he is staying with a friend near us. he quite the job where he met her he has erased all her e-mails that she had been senting. yes i snooped i cracked his passwords. i have detailed billing on his cell phone. i just think he can't believe that he did it and is really ashamed of his behavior. he is now having stomach trouble. i can't just cut him off we have children and i take care of his grandfather. i am being patient and loving towards him and i think it is getting to him. i just can't get him passed the fact that once we have rebuilt the relationship i won't beat him over the head with the a. i'm not like that. i feel that he really misses me and wants to come home but his pride and shame won't let him right now. i won't give him a divorce until i have exaused all other aveneues. thanks for the support.

As long as his pride keeps him as a Ws, he needs to stay out there. No sense having a WS attitude back in your home.

L.

rough weekend H came down and brought step-son. that has no idea whats going on. we are trying to keep the children out of it but my 2 year old is feeling the pressure she keeps asking for her daddy. had H sit and read so info on children and divorce and he even took a book i had here on infidelity. i am hoping that it will open his eyes. i pray and read every day that he sees that this could be a new beginning for us. i am exausted keeping up plan A and its making me really tired. i am very thoughtful of my mate but pretenting to be happy when you are not is hard. have another appt with therpist on wed. hoping H will be there we will have to see.

Why burden your children by hiding the A? Why spend time and energy on trying to teach a WS?

What benefit is this doing for you and your family?

L.

my oldest child know but the step-son doesn't live with us he lives with his mom. he has enough problems with out us adding to them. i am on a roller coaster tonight i am alternating between calling him and telling him to bring his a** home and to never come home again. i am feeling abandoned 2 kids and his grandfather and no relief insite. i feel like this is his responsiability too. and i am carrying this load by myself. i am so angry at him right now for being so selfish i could smack him. i know this is normal and i am just having a bad night because i am so tired right now

Joanna,

U R carrying more than your share. As for your stepson, let him know that his father has decided to have association with person(s) who are condone bad acts. As a result, your family has to limit contact with him.

As for his grandfather, this w/b hard t/d but you must let him know that if he makes choices to not take care of you and your family, then taking care of his grandfather is not possible. Let family members know that he is not being responsible and let them have at him.

JMHO,
L.

i have explained to the g/f but its hard and this isn't the only thing i think he is losing the will to live. bur i reassure him that i will see that he is taken care off. he really sick. and i try not to upset him to much but he know what is happening. and today i just didn't have the energy to explain the h wasn't coming home to night. he easily confused. and i didn't want to trouble him. i am really tight with his mom she went through this with h's dad. that is by the way dieing from cancer. my life just gets better and better. thank for the support

another bad day. started out okay and just slid down hill. i keep hope alive in my heart but just barely. i love and miss him so much we have never been seperated like this and i don't understand why he doesn't see the light. his family will never accept the ow and i will not allow my children around that either. i think i'm going to give plan a alittle while longer then i will have no choice but to switch to plan b. it is very painful for me to look at him and smile cause i am dieing inside.i just don't know what else to do.

joanna -

It sounds like you have your hands full. But you are doing well to stick to Plan A, even if you don't feel like it. I know it is really tiring. When you get too tired, there is always Plan B, which is actually a relief. But it is best to do a solid Plan A first.

It is very miserable at first, but things do get better. I hope you are taking good care of you. You need to do that too.

still hanging on by a thread wrote ws a love letter and have been sending him love cards. hope it helps. i figure it can't hurt. he still doesn't want to talk and i mean really talk. he keeps avoiding issues. got an appointment with the counsler tomorrow. can hardly wait asked ws to come with me i don't know if he will i will ask him tomorrow again we will see. i am just so frustrated with everything. he calls several times a day and hes always here on his days off. wonder why he won't comehome. whats stopping him. trying not to give into the negativity. i wish there was an easy fix for all this.

I really understand your situation. You are not alone. The only difference I see is that my WW still talks to OM on the phone.

I gave her this big long speech I rehearsed over and over about how we could work it out and we would regret it later in life if we didn't give this a chance and I told her how I love her more than ever. I thought she would drop everything and kiss me right there.

It didn't happen. She said that she doesn't know what she wants and that she wants to use this time to work on herself. So she could be a better person for me, if we still love each other. Sound familiar?

She still lives here, but when I am here she is either on the phone, sleeping, watching TV, or she just leaves. You can read my post for more details. But I have started plan A. I have also read the 180 degree thread and it has some good ideas. Hang in there. You are obviously tough and love this guy.