My H emailed pictures of his penis to an old, female friend. This is a friend that he happens to have prior sexual relationships with (before our marriage). This friend is also married.
My H's explanation. He was chatting with her online and talking about how he felt controled. They started joking about ways he could get into trouble and emailing nude photos was one of the things that came up. He took it like a dare and did it.
Do I buy that explanation? Not really. My husband is a very private and modest person when it comes to his body and this is not something that he would do lightly.
I don't know what to do. He has admitted that what he did was wrong and extremely hurtful but he does not agree that it is infidelity. I think it is. I think that he shared an extremely intimate part of himself that is supposed to be reserved for me with another person. To me, that is infidelity. He does not see it that way.
I guess what I would like to know is; What do people that have experienced infidelty think about labeling this action as infidelity?
If he will never agree that this is an act of infideltiy, is there still hope to resolve things?

Eeeeet! He loses.

He's playing with a boundary, trying to see how far over it he can step without disturbing the status quo.

He should know his boundaries, and not need to test them. If he wants to test the strength of the fence, it means he wants to know how easy it is to break. He should love that fence, and work to make it strong. Instead, he wonders if it's okay to bust through it every now and then. Doesn't matter whether or not he means to come back. Why play with it at all?

GC

Check out the book Surviving an Affair or if that will take too long take a look at the concepts section above.

Ask your H what is his definition of infidelity. He sounds like he is already babbling.

He may already by up to more junk so be prepared. Get the book yourself and do some reading.

Sending nude pictures is after infidelity has been going on. So your H is already traveling down the wrong path.

In my H's case, the OW sent pictures of her legs and asked him if he was a leg man. I saw a flash of that pix and long with several other body part pictures (the kind where the sun don't shine) and yep.... supposedly they were just 'good friends'. Hm.... something or someone I didn't even know.

So IMHO, your H is a babbling idiot.

L.

Hi, mererae.

Quote:
==========================
My H's explanation. He was chatting with her online and talking about how he felt controled. They started joking about ways he could get into trouble and emailing nude photos was one of the things that came up. He took it like a dare and did it.
==========================

I don't believe him. How about you?

Please contact his "friend's" husband and tell him about the exchange. Don't tell your husband that you are going to do this.

There is still a good chance that they have made you out to be a crackpot already, in order to cover their trail.

Normally, you would want to wait for proof of an affair before confronting, but in this case, with a prior history involved, I think it would be good to get the ball rolling.

Presumably, her husband is also aware of the prior history. I am sure that he will want to 'encourage' her to not contact your husband again.

Others here may have a different opinion about the exposure timing.

Do be sure and study the recommended articles and books on this website.

All the best,
Gimble

It doesn't matter what he wants to call it, it is WRONG. He can call it a baloney sandwich if he wants, he was out of line and his behavior is a threat to your marriage. He needs to knock it off.

In the meantime, I would suggest you let this quietly drop for the time being and put some spyware on his computer to find out what is really going on. You can't really move forward until you know what you are dealing with. A good spyware program is actmon.com home version. You can install it invisibly so he doesn't know.

P.S. Gimble is absolutely right about contacting her husband. I would put some spyware on your computer first and see if you can glean anything.

Mel, is dead on... call what you will but WRONG it is.

Here's my little test someone told they use. If you wouldn't do it in front of your mother, it's probably wrong.

Pictures aside, are you alright with him having those kinds of "chats" with and ex lover?

Be very very careful he's on a slippery slope.

Best of luck to you and always remember IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!

Thanks for everyone's replies. It really helps to get some perspective from married people. My friends are all very supportive but non of them are married.

I think my problem is much bigger than I wanted to admit. My husband's computer has a password on it and I can't even get on to check him emails. I used to know all of his passwords (because they were obvious, not because he told me). But after the discovery, he changed them all. I know he wouldn't be so secretive if there was not more that he wanted to hide.

He keeps making excuses saying that he is a private person and needs his privacy. I can't talk any sense into him. I guess counseling is our next step.

About the OW's H. I wouldn't even know how to contact him. The OW lives in another state so I doubt there has been physical contact (not that there wouldn't be if the opportunity arised). The OW's H is very aware of this history. My H had an affair with OW before I met him. I don't think OW is supposed to have any contact with my husband.

If I knew how to contact OW's husband I would definately let him know about what happened, because I am sure that she did not tell him.

I still have a lot to work through, but it really helps to have the support on this sight. Thanks to everyone that posted!

Mererae

Somehow you have to get his password to get on his computer, mererae. He has no right to have secrets from you. People with nothing to hide, DON"T HIDE. So just tell him you need his password because you need to use his computer. Do what you have to do.

Counseling will do you no good if he is in an affair and is actively lying about his affair.

Hi mererae,

Welcome to MB.

What is your GUT telling you? In my opinion the picture is just one clue to a bigger problem,as you mentioned.People in happy,committed marriages don't go sending graphic photos to other people.It's very inappropriate.

Did you know about your H's cheating with OW before you decided to marry him? Just curious.How long have you been married? Children?

In addition to the spyware suggestion,snoop at everything else you can get your hands on.Cell phone bills,credit card statements,etc.You may not be able to get his password on his comp but unless he is being very careful to only use e-mail to talk with the EX he will have to be especially sneaky to not leave a trail somewhere.Don't feel badly about checking.The red flags are up and you have a right to know what is going on since your H is being less than truthful I am sure.

Also,if you know the EXs name,you can track her down or maybe even consider using services( PI,etc).

Lastly,even before more comes out: you need to sit your H down and have a serious heart to heart.Lay it on the line.Your marriage is in trouble.Don't let him try to snow you.Discuss how much you need to know how HE feels about the marriage.If he feels "controlled" or wants privacy,then he needs to talk about it with you.The kind of "privacy" he wants is probably not conducive to a healthy marriage and that is the glaring difference.Married couples should not have secrets.And if he feels controlled then now is the time to solve any and all problems to make the marriage better,NOT continue selfish and hurtful behavior for a thrill or risk everything and that is exactly what he is doing,based on what you stated.

A good read,in addition to other's here at our MB bookstore is, "NOT Just Friends", by Shirley Glass. It really helped me.

O

mererae-

UGH! I'm sorry to hear about this, but you've come to the right place.

Your H needing his *privacy* is a HUGE red flag.

May I ask how you discovered that he had sent these explicit pics to her, if you can't get on his computer???

What operating system is he using??? Is it XP? If so, is he the administrator?? If you use the same computer and are also an administrator you can change or remove his main password.

Snoop! Snoop! Snoop! As advised above.

Also, Mel is right, counseling won't do you any good at this juncture, you need to blow this out of the water. I think you may have caught it early enough, but please know that he is blowing smoke, he's not being truthful.

Get the MB books and keep posting here, we'll steer you in the right direction.

-Caren

I did know about the affair between my H and OW before we were married. Actually, my H was upfront and honest with me about it from the very beginning. I thought that was a good sign. The thing he wasn't honest about was the amount of contact he still had with OW. I just recently found out that even though they have lived in different states for 3 years now, they have kept close contact through email and most often chatting online.

The way I found the email? My H sent it from his yahoo account and I was had a bad feeling about My H's and OW's continual contact. So, I decided to look at his Yahoo email. It was pretty easy to guess the password. I happened to look at his email the day after he sent the one email in question. Would it have gone further if I had not discovered it? I don't know. . but probably.

As soon as I confronted him about the email, he changed all of his passwords. And trust me, I have guessed as many possible passwords as I can think of and none of them work. I think he decided to start using more obscure passwords so I won't be able to guess them as easily. And asking him for the password. . he will not give it to me. He has given me my own login to the computer so that I don't have to go into his to use it. He made himself the administrater.

I plan to go through the cell phone bill as soon as it comes in the mail. The only problem is, I have a feeling that there is more of the chatting and emailing than anything. He has a main email address on his computer that probably has a ton of emails he does not want me to see. I only saw his yahoo email that he rarely uses, so not that much information there.

I need to know the truth and I don't know how to get it out of him. We have been married three years and we do not have any children. In fact, the only thing we share is a mortgage. We have our own cars, banking accounts, and credit cards. A little voice in the back of my head tells me to get out now, before things become more complicated.

At the same time, I made a commitment to him and I don't take those kinds of things lightly. I don't know where to go from here. I need to find someone that knows more about computers so I can find a way onto his computer. If he will not give me the answers I need, I am going to have to get them myself.

What do you think about contacting the OW? I don't know if I could do it, but the thought has crossed my mind.

Mererae

Hi, mererae.

Let me define privacy in a marriage for you, boiled down to the simplest terms.

Privacy in a marriage, is a fart in the bathroom. There is no room whatsoever for secrecy in a marriage.

Your husband is holding secrets. That means he is hiding something, otherwise there would be no reason for the secrecy. My wife has access to anything and everything I have access to. Why would she not?

The reason I brought up exposure before you had all the facts (very unusual), was that I was counting on the other woman's husband's reaction before she could cover her trail. Her history with your husband being the mitigating factor.

If you can get her name and city, it should not be hard to find out who her husband is, and their phone number. Since she has done this before with your husband, simply telling other woman's husband of the contact should be enough to set things in motion, proof or not.

God bless,
Gimble

Okay....so it does appear that you are using XP. Let me ask you is your account on the computer *Limited*? Or are you able to download things, etc??? If you are also an administrator then YOU can remove his password, or put another password on it so that HE can't access it.

That's what I would do, I would go in there, remove the password, (I can tell you how) and then put my own damn password on there, or maybe, if you are also an administrator, you can install the keylogger on your own screen, and maybe it will keep track of things on EVERY screen.....I think that's probably how it works, if your account on your computer is limited, you probably won't be able to install the keylogger at all, in which case you need to tell him that there are things that you need to download and that he needs to give you more access.

Lemme know, I can help you change his PW if that's what you wanna do.

Also I just checked into that ActMon software, and if you are an administrator also, I believe it will install on your screen and record the activities of the entire computer. It records incoming/outgoing instant messages, records passwords, gives screen shots.....etc.

Where does the OW live? What state? Do you know her full name?? There are ways to find out things about people....



-Caren

Edited to add: I would scrap the idea of contacting the OW, she's just going to lie to you anyway, it will be the equivalent of banging your head against a wall.....SO, let's just do what we *can* do for now, it will be more than enough <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Do you use the same computer?

Yeah, they do Mel........I think it's XP from what she's describing....will the keylogger still work?

-Caren

If she uses the same computer, she can install Actmon and it will record ALL activities on the computer invisibly. Mereare, if you do, in fact, use the same computer, email me and I will get you hooked up!

Well Mel, we're just running around posting like crazy women aren't we? LOL

I'm glad you can help her, I'm just worried if she has a *limited* account on the computer, that she can't install anything.

-Caren

Caren, I am not familiar with that. Is there a way to workaround it, if so?

yes, we are busy beavers, aren't we? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I don't know, I'm hoping that she's an administrator as well, when your account is limited you can't do anything. I had my kids on limited accounts, and it didn't even work out for them, they couldn't even use instant messengers and the like, so I had to make their accounts administrators as well. (I just keep a real close eyeball on 'em)

I'm hoping that her husband is minimally computer savvy, and he didn't think to make her account *limited*.

*crossing my fingers*

-Caren