Amazingly, I've been out on two dates with two different people in the past week - one guy last Saturday, and another one tonight. (I met both of them on the internet...we emailed back and forth for a week or two, then met up for a date.)

With the guy from last week there was NO physical attraction, and also a lack of common interests - in the first 10 minutes I knew there'd be no 2nd date! (I wasn't interested!) Tonight, I was out with a different guy, I enjoyed his company and had some good laughs with him, even went out to play pool after the dinner part of the evening. However, physically I don't really feel any attraction to him. I also figured this one out in the first few minutes of the date. However, I hung around longer this time because I did enjoy talking to him.

I am beginning to feel like I'm shallow or something - even if the men I meet are nice guys, if I am not physically attracted to them, it seems pointless to me to go on. Both these guys were too skinny for my tastes. Their sense of fashion was a bit lacking as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm not after Mr. GQ, and I certainly don't go for the pillsbury doughboy (instead of thin men), but I like a man with a reasonably good sense of fashion, broad shoulders, and arms I could be wrapped cozily in, not to mention a man who weighs at least AS much as I do!

However, I could end up single forever if I wait for a hot-bodied stud muffin to come my way.

For those of you who found love again, did you end up with someone you thought was sexy from the first time you met them, or did they have to grow on you?

I am thinking physical attraction would be a strong foundation to a relationship. Previously, waaaay back when I was 17, I was friends with my now exH for a few months, and even told him he wasn't my type, and then I ended up falling for him. I decided that my feelings for him outweighed the fact that he wasn't physically "my type". (He was a bit shorter than me, a red head, a bit on the cuddly side too.) My physical attraction to him was sort of like something I developed a taste for. All things considered, we ended up having a very strong physical attraction, sexually at least!

I have one female friend who said she married a friend the first time around, and that didn't work out. Now she is married to a man she was physically attracted to from the first meeting, and that she got to know and fell in love with for his qualities as well. After her experiences, she's a big believer in physical attration being a necessity in a relationship.

I'm curious to know what others' opinions on this one are.

Is that chemistry we're all seeking supposed to be physical and mental from the get-go?

I guess the other question in the back of my mind is should I go out again with man #2, even if I am feeling like I don't really feel any physical attraction to him?

Jen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi Jen,

No I don't beleive you are shallow for wanting to find a man you are physically attracted to for without ANY physical attraction a relationship is handycapped from the start. Just make sure that your physical attraction doesn't blind you to his possible serious emotional shortcommings.

TMCM

Know what you want ... you are not shallow. Look at redhat list, you might want to send me to the gutter ... 1. Pretty looking, slimmer and younger than I am (this is one of my top 5 ENs, PA - I don't look 42 at all) 2. No kid (i don't want and know how to blend families) 3. Non Asian (i have no physical attraction at all to my own race, feels like dating my own sister ... plus here in BayArea Asian fetish is very high) 4. MBer

Love is a choice.
In-Love could be created.
Chemistry should stay in the lab.

JMVHO.

BTW: I found my match ... a GF that is willing and capable to do 4 gifts of Love to me and vice versa. As a bonus, she is 29 yr., Dv'ed - no kids, a latina and understand MB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> .

I think you're expectations are reasonable...there does have to be that initial "WOW" factor...at least for me when I was dating and possibly in the future when I MAY be dating. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Then again, your date could open his mouth after the inital "WOW" and negate that COMPLETELY...the other half (personality) is important also.

TMCM and his (always sagelike) advice said it best...

My advice...Keep looking...never settle

Hi, Jen. If you enjoyed his company, and had a good time, give another date with him a try. You never know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

I don't think you're being shallow. Of course, you can't judge a book by it's cover, and all that, but it sounds like you're trying to evaluate the whole package. Did you see the "chemistry" thread by JustinExplorer a little further down the page? It's kindof along the same lines. I have found (as you described) that sometimes you discover treasures you didn't know were there once you get to know someone, and the "wow" develops later.

hehe... it seems like there are 3 categories of physical attractiveness (at least this is how my brain works):
1 - no way, no matter what's inside, (just personal preference, right?)
2 - "tolerable"/average, depending on the rest of the package (pretty broad category),
3 - Mr. GQ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Faith1

This is so me. I have been going out a bit and I find I am soooo picky and I too have felt that I am shallow. I want the chemistry and the WOW and haven't found it. I'm not even looking for the GQ guy because they are usually so into themselves that they wouldn't know I existed.
I have met this wonderful guy. We have went out about 3 times and I enjoy being with him, but I'm not finding myself attracted. I hate myself for feeling this way, but I am not proud to be with him. I keep thinking how my STBX will react when he sees him. OK - maybe a red flag that I shouldn't be dating, but just being honest.
I just want to meet someone that I find attractive and that makes my heart flutter. It's nice to hear that someone else feels the same way, because I was starting to get concerned thinking that maybe I just wasn't ready to date so I was acting this way.

Lucky, I've thought of that too : What would my STBXWH think when he saw the new person?

I think for me that's because he went off with another woman and I want him to see that I'm worth someone who takes care of themselves and not think that I'm desperate so to speak.

On the other hand I think What does what HE thinks matter? Not to mention the fact that the OW was alot bigger than me and not as attractive B4.

I almost think I'd rather go out with someone ( once the D is final) that ISN'T as good looking.

My STBXWH is smokin hot most of the time (i.e. into bodybuilding - guitar player - let his hair grow out - cool clothes - beautiful eyes - nice face - and the stage factor with many women screaming for him didn't hurt either....)

But you know what? There is a HUGE expectation in my husband's eyes about the looks of the woman whom he has on his arm.

(That's why I didn't understand why he was with chunky ugly Cheryl, but he did call her his safety net several times.)

I spent a lot of time 'worried' so to speak about being good enough.

Not that I'm saying to be with someone so you can let yourself go, but I just don't want to feel that pressure of constantly wondering what he's thinking or feel the need to check my makeup every half hour.

I think physical attraction is important, but I don't agree with the WOW factor. I really believe that chemistry and WOW can grow with time as we get to know a person. One of the things that really upsets me is when a woman says after one or two dates "There's no chemistry for me". I think they may be looking for a very, very long time.

rh:

"Chemistry should stay in the lab."

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

JE,

I agree with you. You can tell pretty quickly if you really can't get along with someone. I mean, you can't find anything to talk about, or you're getting on each others' nerves, or you really find them unattractive, etc. That's the definite "no way" category. But if you're really serious about "finding someone", you'll broaden your horizons, get to know someone, and give the attraction time to blossom.

hehe... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> it just occurred to me. How many stories are told about WS's having affairs with ugly OP's? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> It's not always about physical attractiveness. Something else got their attention... some other needs were met, and the Love Bank grew from there.

well....attraction has to be present...i do not think the wow factor is real but attraction is...i met my ex on match and i was attracted to her but she didnt have the wow factor...within 3 months i was so completely in love with her for her wonderful qualities and the way she treated me...i am still in love with her so i will be single for a long time....

you need attraction in my opinionso you are not being shallow, but there has to be some tolerances on your part or you will simply be dating 1 niters the rest of your life if you dont give someone a chance and get to know them

Maybe - if they are looking for chemistry with a good man who is "right" for them.

I don't pretend to know much about chemistry, but some "experts" (e.g. Harville Hendrix) have suggested that we may be attracted to someone whom we subconsciously feel will give us the chance to deal with unfinished business from our parental relationships. Other "experts" have even less flattering proposals for what causes chemistry.

We all know - and many here have been - people who have found themselves in one relationship after another where the same problems occurred. Although it's often pointed out that if this is your pattern you should consider that the common denominator is yourself, I wonder how much of the cause has to do with the mysteries of chemistry. We live in a culture which glorifies chemistry above all else when choosing a partner, but it may turn out that what most attracts us is what is most likely to destroy us. I'm not suggesting that this is a universal principle such that we are all like that, but I do suggest that it is wise not to trust chemistry (especially of the instant variety), particularly if there are wounds in your past.

I guess what I'm suggesting is that, if a woman gives up on an otherwise great prospect if she hasn't felt chemistry after just a couple of dates, she may have a worse problem than a long search for Mr. Right. She may actually be preventing herself from finding the Mr. Right who would in time grow on her, in exchange for finding a succession of Mr. Wrongs.

Yet, some men (many of whom are mature and very nice men from what I know about them) continually defend the fact that they will not date or consider dating a woman they do not find "attractive" regardless of what kind of person she is or the fact that she is certainly not ugly, repulsive or even plain! I find this dichotomy quite interesting, as it seems that some men are saying that women should look beyond the "wow" factor (or, rather, lack thereof) and get to know them better than just two dates, yet some of the same men may very well not even accept a date with someone who does not inspire a "wow" response in them right from the get-go.

I find that fascinating and disconcerting at the same time - a sad kind of double standard.

T

Terri,

I find it odd too at times for me personally.

Folks are discussing the "wow" factor or whatever you want to call it. Since my divorce and subsequent reflection on the type of woman I usually go for I have found that I was the shallow one....digging through a bunch of look-alike women until I would find one with insides I could live with.

Now I am doing it the other way around, I'm trying to find out what they are like inside first...it is amazing how much more attractive other women are outside my "norm" than I previously thought.

My mom told me that beauty comes and goes, it's what's inside you have to live with forever.

That being said, am I out looking purposely for women I find unnatractive? No, of course not but then I'm not looking for a penthouse pet either.

Who was it that put it on a 1-3 scale? I really like that one and I have gone out with a whole bunch of 2's I never would have thought a second about in my younger days.

Just rambling but it would be nice if more folks looked outside their comfort zone...there are a lot of gems out there waiting to be found.

RebornMan

Ok since I seemed of started this WOW thing maybe I should clarify what I mean by it. I don't mean that a man has to be drop dead gorgeous, but I want my heart to race a bit and I want to have the feeling that I can't wait to talk to him again. If I don't get these feelings early on then I feel that continuing to go out with him seems rude because I'm pretty sure that it will go no further and I don't want to have to hurt someone that seems interested in me. So after one date if I don't feel that I don't usually call them back. Maybe I am being wrong because maybe I am missing something. I don't know. I have been out of this so long that I don't have a clue.

Luckystar,

One date is enough to check if he is safe and there is interest from each other unless it was a very short starbuck date or very superficial social date. Next ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-rh-

I find this odd. I have talked to a number of women at work and near my home who are married or have been going with a guy for many years in an LTR. I would estimate that at least 1/3 have commented that at first they did not care for the guy. One told me how she was dating three guys and only went out with him if the other two were busy and she was bored. This went on for months. A married lady at work tells me how she did not like her husband at first and only went out with him to stop him from pestering her. Later, she went out with him because there was nobody else to go out with. Yet, these women now are deeply in love with these men.

I'm with you, Justin. I dunno. Maybe 1 reason is becuase it's how I feel about presenting myself. When I spent my few months on match.com, even after several e-mails where we got along just fine, enjjoyed talking to each other, and then we went on ONE date, a few of the men just didn't even say another word to me. I'm sorry - I'm not that repulsive! LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> They had already seen my pics, and we had already talked and had stuff in common, and the dates went fine. I felt like, (and said to myself), "Give me another chance. Lets go out again. You can't tell anything from ONE date." There were a few that we went out 2-3 times, and THEN decided things weren't right. Perhaps some people are nervous on their first date - not really themselves. Some people let the other person do ALL the talking (maybe you don't have any chemistry with yourself! hehe, just kiddin). Maybe they were distracted, or simply got off on the wrong foot. Anyway, I feel like it takes more than 3 hours and a first impression to get to know someone. A second date, or more phone conversation is not a commitment, and not leading them on. And why is it a waste of time? if you're seriously looking for a potential mate, or even someone you enjoy spending an evening with? If one evening out was enjoyable, why not a second? You're not shopping for which tie pops with which shirt, and you're not even interviewing your next employee that you have reviewed references and resumes for, we should take our time and get to know the real "them", IF we like something about them at all. I'm NOT talking about settling.

Well JustinExplorer, as MBer, I believe in-love could be created.

One date for me is more than enough b/c I digged deep on the first date. I waste no time. I let her know about my relationship history and I ask hers.

Within one month of dating we knew each other w/ nothing left anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> .

-rh-

Not shallow at all. If you are not physically attracted to your significant other how can you want to be intimate with him/her?