Bloke, my first question to you (btw I am both a FWS and BS) is why is your W going somewhere with an OM?

Hi Bloke!!!

I just wanted to let you know I'm at work so I can't read your story right now but I will later at lunch. Hopefully I can help.

God bless,
Carol

bloke -

Hi. I'm an FWS. I have only had time to skim most of the posts in this thread. I'll write more later, but right now your M is in a crisis. You and your W's emotional states make it harder for either one of you to make rational, mature decisions.

Counseling is a must. Does your pastor do MC? This trip your W is going on is an accident waiting to happen. Is there ANY way you could get her to talk with your pastor or some other trustworthy person she respects? Could you get her to read this board, or maybe even write here too?

God bless,

Rose

You've got to let her "catch up" to where you are emotionally.

For example, suppose it was in the days before cell phones and telegraph, and she was at the South Pole and her mother died. She comes home six months later. Her sisters have now recovered from the trauma of the death, but she has just found out. To her, her mother just died. To her sisters, the mother has been dead for some time. Therefore, she and her sisters are out of synch emotionally. They would have a hard time discussing things because of "where they are". E.g., the sisters might be ready to divide up the estate, while she would consider it crass.

That is a little like where you and she are. You had the A, you experienced it, you became dissatisfied with it, and then ended the A. So, emotionally, you understand a whole lot more about the A, yourself, OW and even your W than you did when the A started.

Your W hasn't changed because of the A, because she didn't know about.

You are ready to move on and start building a better M, while she has just learned that the M she thought she had is dead. It is pretty tough to deal with for her. (I'm not sure that BS hurts more than WS. It is pretty bad for both.)

You do have to realize that there is no guarantee that your M will survive. She has a perfect right to walk out of the M if she wishes. Also, there is no guarantee that you and she can work out the problems that caused the A. If the OW is gone, then you have a chance.

You definitely need a MC. If she won't go, go by yourself.

thanks - yeah - she needs to catch up. By the way, I didn't end the A because I was dissatisfied with it - I ended it because I was scared - I was falling in Love and was married with a kid. It was like... I have to stop this before it goes any further, because the futher we go, the bigger the mess I'm in. I can give my M a chance, but then there's still the feeling that the OW is out there, and even if she isn't, I know I can love and be loved like that now. The paradox I'm trying to deal with is that to give the M a chance I have to let go of the OW and the feelings from the A - it's why Im so torn up. Emotionally, I want to be out of the M, and a big part of me wants to be with OW, although I now the R was fantasy based, but my rational/ethical self knows I have to abandon that and really try to make the M work, despite my feelings.

Do need to let W catch up. You are right here - I've had a lot more time to process this. We are going to MC together.

The big problem is wanting it to work - only about 10% of my emotions want it at the moment. My rational self tells me that a. I have to give it a chance because if I don't try, I'll never know, and I couldn't live with walking away if I knew I hadn't really given it all I could. b. If the M works, then, by definition, I would be content within it, because that's half the definition of 'it working'.

Thanks to anyone who gives me the time of day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You said, "My rational self tells me that a. I have to give it a chance because if I don't try, I'll never know, and I couldn't live with walking away if I knew I hadn't really given it all I could."

ABSOLUTELY!!! Give it your best shot, make a real effort to fix the M. Well done, my man...I wish I had been so insightful.

Bloke -

You wrote: “Next week she's off to a festival with the OM in one of her ER's. They've texted about taking drugs and him giving her a massage. I wonder if anything is going to happen. I wonder how I might feel if they do... “

Is there any way you can talk her out of going to the concert? Since she is angry and hurt, and obviously turning to an OM for entertainment and comfort, AND drugs will be involved, the chances are very good that she is about to make the biggest mistake of her life.

If you want to have a chance to work on your M, both of you have to have NC with OP and commit to the process of concentrating on your M and making necessary changes, which means finding out what each other’s needs are and treating each other better.

I know withdrawal is painful and confusing. I know you still feel like you would rather be with OW. However, neither one of you should be turning to OP unless or until D papers are signed and the M is legally over.

You also wrote: "When we first met, I had become a Christian (yes, I know, it went out of the window during the A - like I said, am focussing on getting right with God again)"

If you have determined that you want to follow God’s laws, it’s your responsibility to start protecting your M. I’m not suggesting you stop your W from going to the concert just for your own peace of mind, but also to protect her from doing something destructive that she thinks will make her feel better, but will actually only make things worse for her on every level. Adultery isn’t just a sin against one’s spouse and God, it’s also a sin against one’s own body. The OM could end up getting hurt pretty badly, too.

It might be hard to have faith right now, especially since you had to turn your back on God in order to have an A (I know because I have BTDT - been there done that). All I know to tell you now is what my experience so far has been. I have learned that in any crisis and emergency, SURRENDERING TO GOD, whether it makes sense to us or not, is our best survival tactic.

My d-day was 3 years ago this coming August. It has been a h*ll of a ride. There have been many times when it didn’t seem worth it to continue, times when it seemed more humane for both of us just to give up. There are still times when staying M seems impossible, but there is a scripture that says "The things that are impossible with men are possible with God" (Luke 18:27).

Hang in there.
God bless,

Rose

Edited to add: By the way, like you, I didn't get caught, I confessed, so there's a chance that I may have had some of the same thoughts and reasonings as you did for returning to my M, even though I felt like it had been a bad one.