hi -

I am brand new here & am so glad I came across this site. Almost 4 weeks ago I found out that my husband was having an "emotional" affair with someone. I had suspected him for just a short week and it was confirmed one morning when I caught him on his cell phone in the basement at 6:45 in the morning talking with "someone."

Our situation seems so complicated to me, but I am sure I am not alone. It most likely started when I started pushing him away. I did this because sex had become physically painful for me and any displays of affection almost always led to sex. I was not aware of the reasons why I was pushing him away until recently ----I associated affection with sex and sex with pain. I have been a very angry person b/cause of this and not very pleasant to be around. This had been going on for years....In addition, I have felt like I cannot depend on him. He lost his job about 3 or 4 years ago and although he had been doing some Real Estate deals things were pretty scary for a while. He was always able to pitch in his half though as he dipped into his savings. He has held a job for over a year now BUT the hours are terrible. He works from 1 AM in the morning until around 12 the next day. So, he is always tired, goes to bed when our 5 year old does and we have no quality time at all.

I don't know who the other person is, just that it someone that he started having breakfast with and it evolved from there. From reading articles here, I can see that I most likely was not filling an "emotional need" (and physical one) for my husband. I was to embarrassed and scared to have a serious conversation with my husband about my physical pain. Now he says he is in love with the other woman. He still loves me, but is not "in Love" with me.
I told him he needed to cut off communication with her if we were going to work on our marriage & he is now aware of the physical pain that I have gone through. It took him a while to stop communications with her, but he told me that he has not spoke with her at all this week.

We have seen a counselor together one time and then each of us had a private counseling session. I am not sure how much this has helped so far.

Since I have opened up & discovered what was behind my anger I am so eager to have things back the way they were years ago. Our 5 year old has been gone all week visiting my parents so we have had the opporunity to spend time together alone. My husband says he is still confused about his feelings. I know I need to be patient & I don't want to put any pressure on him. How long should I wait????

We were intimate with each other earlier this week after going out & having some drinks. The physical pain was there, but this time only after the sex was going on for a long time.....Perhaps this is an endurance problem on my end. Or perhaps I sensed that the physical act was not connected to love??

It is hard for me to understand how to get through all of this pain or even if we can make it. I don't want to lose him as my feelings for him are now reawakened. I just hate that it took an "affair" for me to come to the realization behind my anger. I have suffered from low self esteem and have been feeling depressed lately. My mom was diagnosed with clinical depression about 15 years ago & I don't want to follow in her footsteps.

Thanks for reading!! It helps just to share this information with others.

kimberly - Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be. You might switch to the general questions forum, as weekends are fairly slow here.

First, you must go to the doctor and see if the pain thing can be helped.

Then read EVERYTHING on this site. There is a lot of information that will help you.

If your husband truly has no contact with the other woman, he will be in withdrawal for several weeks. But he should get over it and be willing to work on the marriage.

Thanks - I read a lot last night & have learned so much. Unfortunately, I don't know if it is time to save my marriage.

Today was our 14 year wedding anniversary. My husband smelled of alcohol when he got home from picking our son up(he was also late). I suspected & confronted him & he had met the OP for beers. He told me he would not see her to give our marriage a fair chance. I asked him to pack his bags and go elsewhere. I found out the OP is married too.("Not for Long though" he said).

Did I do the right thing? He said "I have nowhere to go." I said, "Well, you have made your decision."

I am so sad.

Does the OW's husband know about the A? Can you get in contact with him? Do they have children?

Alph.

Hi Kimberley !

Welcome to the best club in the world that nobody wants to be a member of <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I am sorry that you need to be here, but the good news is that MANY people use MB proven techniques to help recover from affairs !

Right now you need knowledge. Knowledge is your best weapon.

Learn how affairs work and what tools you have to combat them.

I assembled a LONG thread with my experiences in them, not because I am cool or extraordinatry but because I was TYPICAL and the advice I got, also speaks to ANY OTHER BS who asks the questions.

Make a coffee, read the wonderful advice on this thread and take deep breaths. Life gets better from here-on in.

New BS toolkit

All blessings

Good Morning,

I don't know if the other woman's Husband knows about the affair & I don't know if they have kids. I only last night found out that she was married. My H said that it "wouldn't be for much longer." that she would be married.

I have my H's cell phone bill & and am tempted to call through all of the numbers, but is it worth my time & effort to focus on that?

Bob, thanks for your post - I will read your threads tonight when my little one is in bed. I don't have much hope at all. I want to work this out, but at this point my H is not willing to cut ties with the OW. I don't think I can allow him back into the house at this point. Should I make him stay out until he is willing to not see her?

I don't want to go anywhere today and am thinking of calling in sick to work. My H will be getting off work around noon today, so I am sure he will come by the house. I don't want to see or talk to him right now but if I keep pushing him away I am afraid we won't have any hope at all.

I spoke with a friend last night as I am blaming myself for this. He said that it doesn't matter what I did or how angry I had been or how many years I had been unaffectionate that my H shouldn't have stepped into the situation he is in. You work through it. My H was blown away that I wanted to work things out b/c he thought I was unhappy and wanted to end our marriage.

I don't want this to end. O.k., off to get ready for the job.

Kim


You gotta calm down. Your H isn;t capable of making sensible decisions right now, so you have to stay frosty for all your sakes.

Now Plan A is much easier to do if your WS is home with you BUT if their behaviour is causing your love for them to drain at too fast a rate, then plan B may be the best bet.

Study , Kim. Study and be calm.

Bob,

WS called me today while I was at work to say "I just wanted to say I was sorry for hurting you."..... I asked him to visit this website today.

Later we spoke briefly & he said he did spend some time here & that he & the OP had a long conversation....Agreeing to end the A. WS is home now, sleeping in the extra bedroom.

I feel like I was doing plan A all last week & that didn't stop the affair. I kind of did a Plan B last night by telling him to leave. Do I start back with Plan A again???

So, he has to start going through withdrawal all over again. I don't know if I can believe him or if he is lying to me so he doesn' have to spend $$ on a hotel room every night. I suppose I will just have to trust him once again although he has lied to me more than I have ever been lied to by any one person before. I know there is the great chance that he will backslide & make contact with her.

Reading your posts have been quite helpful & I am finding gaining knowledge is (as always) very empowering. My main goal is to protect my son & make sure he is happy.

I am going to have to find out from him if the OP is someone who he works with......

I picked up a book tonight "The Purpose Driven Life" on the recc. of a friend. I know I need to find happiness within myself to be able to make this work.

I am still devastated that my WH betrayed me and poured salt in the wound on our wedding anniversary. Is there really hope that I can trust him again????

Kim
You must be calmer. Go see your oc for antidepressents if needed.

Whatever decision you take, do so with a clear mind once the passions of the affair have cooled.

Follow the plan and get a hold of yourself theres every chance you can beat this thing ! Harley says MOST marriages recover from affairs !

Be calm and study more. You can't lose WH any more than he already IS. Thats actually liberating to realise.

All blessings

Good Evening -

You are right, I truly cannot lose WH any more than he is. And I have continued to read(there is SO Much!! to digest and take in). I feel better today.......

WH & I had a talk tonight ----He is going through major withdrawals & he feels sick. He said it is like getting your heart broken when you were 16. Which proves to me that he has not contacted her today. He feels awful & it is like a lovesick boy.

Reading the messages on this board has helped me to understand what he is going through. I so much want him to see the pain I am feeling, but I know now that it is time for me to support him and help him through his withdrawal.

Plan A is very hard for me. I am hurting too & want him to come begging to me for forgiveness. At times I just want to scream at him and ask him how he can be so SELFISH! It's not about me though and I know that I contributed to the A. I am going to do all I can to show him how great a W I am.

I did discover some information this evening. The OW works at the same business, but they do not normally cross paths. I knew before that she was married. She has 1 kid & her H is physically abusive. She has left her H before, only to go back to him. I told WH that he would have to quit his job & he is in the process of looking.

So, how demanding should one be when they are implementing Plan A with the "no contact". In my situation, we cannot afford for WH to quit his job outright. How do I monitor whether or not he contacts her?

I told H that I was sorry he was having to go through this and that I was there to support him in any way that I could. I am thinking of asking him to write a "goodbye" letter to the OP.

H is still in the extra bedroom....His choice tonight.

Does anyone have advice on Plan A when you are dying inside? Wish me luck!!!

Bob, thanks so much for your posts. I am still going through your info!

Kim

Kimberly -

Hang in there, you are doing just fine so far. Stay in Plan A, and try to support your husband in his "pain". I know it sucks. Yuck.

If there is contact again, time to expose the affair to the other woman's husband. We have all heard the old "abusive husband" story hundreds of times. Chances are it is not true. That is a ploy these women use to entrap unsuspecting men.

Don't let your husband know you may expose the affair, or he and the other woman may make up a cover story - that you are crazy or something.

Does anyone have advice on Plan A when you are dying inside?

Kim

EVERY plan A is executing when the BS is dying inside. Its one reason why its so hard.

But just LOOK at the success stories on these boards !

My key to coping with plan A when dying inside sounds hard to do.

Let him go.

You must be prepared to lose him in order to plan A with the right atitude IMO.

Make it clear that you LOVE him, you want to work on your M, but not at the cost of your self-respect.

You have open arms if WH wants to recommit to you, but that mean NC and a whole lot of work from him.
Point him at THIS THREAD which tells him clearly what he must do at this time.

Study makes you calm as you find out the odds ar ein yoru favour.

Post here ( or maybe over on GQ2 where there is more traffic) and vent instead of doing so at home.

And pray, if you do that. God LIKES people to work hard on saving their marriages.

all blessings

bOb I'd just like to say I'm glad you're still around. Your posts and story have given me much needed strength and hope as I struggle with my own ordeal. Thank you.

Bob,

Thanks again for some great advice. Is GQ2 in the Emotional Needs section?

We have a counseling session tomorrow. We did not have any time to talk today, but I think that is ok as I don't want things to get too "intense."

My best friend and my sister tell me I am amazing that they probably would not be able to behave the way I have been with my H. I told them both that this website has been a lifesaver for me and the advice you have given me has been key to my emotional well-being and ability to handle this situation.(plus help from some natural anti-depressants).

It bothers me that I don't know for sure if there has been contact or not. I have not laid out to him in detail what I would like. We have talked about No Contact, but I want all of the following presented to him on paper:
1 - No Contact.
2 - If there is Contact, you need to tell me.
3 - Provide me with her cell phone # and home #. Show me calls dialed/received each day.

What do you think?

GQ2 = 'General Quesions II'. Its a seperate forum to EN or JFO. We get lazy typing on here after a while ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

All blessings

Kimberly, I feel your pain. Hang in there and certainly find the reason for the pain. You have to ensure you are healthy. I am also dealing with withdrawal and I am frustrated and a little worried. The info on the site really puts things in perspective, and I've read it through about 8 times, keep reading it. I pray alot - on my knees and with all my heart for God to show me the way.

DogDad,

I am sorry for you.....The support here is tremdous & I am so very thankful for finding it. There was a reason why I was led here. I know I need to pray more and trust God with his purpose for me and my H. I will keep reading as that has helped me tremendsouly too. I posted on General Question this morning & the responses made me smile.

I have never felt pain like this before.
You hang in there too......

Kim