Hi everyone. I am sure everyone can relate when I say I am going throught he gamet of emotions pretty much everyday. Remember the keyring I said I found? Well, it was driving me crazy. One minute I was going to give it to H very nicely and say I found it on floor downstairs and not even ask about it, another minute I wanted to fling it at him and ask him who and why?! Then the next I wasn't going to do anything. As you know I am trying to be very mature, very responsible in my dealings. So, I took it, took the pix out of it, and burned the pix and flushed it! There, now it's not bugging me anymore! As I have told you all before (read my earlier posts to know my history) I really don't want this divorce. If the situation were left up to my H he would never have paid a lawyer and pursued a divorce or sep. He would have just kept living like this. (but of course,he has it good here. has cake and eats it too) H refuses couneling, says he has no feelings for me, sleeps on couch, we haven't had sf in 2 years. Says I misunderstand when we are getting along well, that that doesn't mean we are working things out. Refuses to do anything as a family because he wants nothing to do with me. (we separated 2 times before, both initiated by me, he was the one who left. we did need time to be apart but long story short, I was young and impulsive and should have never had him leave, should have just done counseling when he agreed to go. only prob is when he goes he stops when it gets too sticky or uncomfortable for him. anyhow, he is angry at me for making him leave before and does not forgive me for making him leave and of course doesn't understand we had major problems in our marriage before that caused me to want to separate. He thought our marriage was fine. his needs must have been being met at that time but mine sure weren't) Since he has been home (due to me losing my job almost 3 years ago he came home so we wouldn't lose house and we were kinda working on things) he has done everything he can to hurt me. I know he wants to hurt me as much as he says I hurt him by asking him to leave twice before. And he has been on a downward spiral since he has come home. His friend told me that H is a bitter grudge holder. He won't let go of anything hurtful that has ever happened to him. Thus he has become very bitter, cold, emotionless (except with his children. he doesn show them love). If he was looking to pay me back for the "hurt" I caused him he has done it tenfold. He was also very young when we married, 22, and I was 25. He had been on his own since like 18 and worked and took care of himself. Never had many relationships. Ours was worlwind fast. He never really went out that and got to be "one of the guys" who did whatever they wanted. There was a lot of responsiblity put on him very quickly. So,anyway, I did not know if there was any hope at all of any kind of relationship at any time here with my H. Certainly not while he is out there acting as he is. I started sep. papers but decided just to do divorce since his actions and words show he wants nothing to do with me. I just hope I am not making a mistake. This is so hard for me as I really do love him. And at some point down the road he could get this mess out of his system and realize home with us is where he wants to be. I am wondering if I should just do sep. and not D. I felt that D showed him I mean business. With sep. and D I am still going about my business and my life, not bugging him, not whining and begging for our relationship, letting him go so to speak, taking the pressure off of him, letting him breathe,but at the same time trying to put some deposits into his love bank. I know that being whiney and sitting around moping waiting for him to decide is not healthy or attractive. I am trying to be healthy and moving on. We definitely need to not live together if working on the marriage is not in the cards right now because his being on the couch for 2 years has caused a lot of confusion and pain for our 2 young children. They are not seeing what a healthy relationship is all about and I won't do that to them anymore. Should I being doing D or should I just to sep and see what a year apart brings? Should I talk to him and say I want to do sep and see what a year apart brings and if in a year or so it still looks hopeless then we'll do D? The papers have not been done yet, and my attorney is on vaca so she is not doing them until next week. My attorney is checking email however and I could email her and tell her hold up on the D papers, let's just re-adjust the sep. papers for now. (the way they were before he wouldn't sign them). In that year or so apart we can work on our lives, well, I cannot control him but I could work on mine, get myself squared away,and be depositing plusses into his love bank. Or, doing just a sep could be a total disaster and blow up in my face. I could be doing all these things and in the mean time he is out with this one and that one and my deposits wouldn't even mean a thing. can you see I am perplexed?! Suggestions please? mlhb

well, I will reply to myself before I even get a reply from the board! LOL H came home from his motorcycle ride and kids are not here so I took the opp to talk to him. I told him that, just so he knew, I was only going to do sep right now not divorce as I just cannot bring myself to do D at this time. Sep will still have him moving out and going on with his life and my life. I told him that if and when the time comes for a D I will take care of it at that time. So I feel better now. I feel with a sep there is more of a possibility somewhere down the road for reconcilliation than there is with a D. Don't know if it is the right decision but I guess all that matters is it is the right decision for me. Gotta email my lawyer now who probably thinks I am nuts! mlhb