My husband recently told me that he cannot get over hurt he has felt due to my withdrawal. He travels almost all the time and over time I've been hurt because I never came first. He did try to make it up to me many times, but I never felt like he was serious about making real change. I now know I was wrong and I'm very sorry and ashamed. I've been trying to help him heal for several months and he cannot get past it all. Last night everything came to a head. I thought we'd made some progress the last few weeks, but in his mind there has been no improvement in his feelings. He says he still loves me and there has been no infidelity. This morning he left our home and will be gone indefinitely. He doesn't know how long he will need to get his mind cleared. He felt like he was constantly pushed into a corner by me when he was home and when we communicated regularly on the phone when he was out of town. He said he feels that if he can get some time on his own with no distractions from me he will sort this out. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but can't go on like he is. We don't argue and we do treat each other with compassion and respect. I love him with all my heart and want him to be happy.

We've been married for 4-1/2 years with most of that time happy in spite of his travel. We're both educated with good jobs and no kids.

Has anyone had a similar experience with separation? How do I cope with the uncertainty? How can I help him if I don't have contact with him?

I too, feel bad with separation and feeling withdrawn from the relationship with my H. My H has recently moved out and I am actually relieved. What I have learned is that you can help by first making yourself happy again. Find yourself and get yourself in a good place. Find a new hobby or find happiness in existing hobbies. Give him the space that he needs and give yourself the attention you deserve.

Obviously, there is an impact on your relationship at the cost of having a successful career. I live my life my defining my priorities and living those priorities out. My first priority is my life balance (myself and my son; this used to include my H), second my career. Years back, my priorities were turned around and the impact was devasting.

I give you the advice that I am trying to live myself. I know that I am a good person and I deserve to be treated with the respect and attention that I need; you should begin to turn a leaf and know that you two can only be happy if you are first happy with yourself.

Hey KLD,
I’ve been following your posts, sorry things have taken a turn for the worst. My wife has been separated from me for 3 weeks. I know your husband isn’t willing to go to MC and that’s a shame. Even though my wife is going I get the feeling that sometimes she’s just doing it for me. At least get some anti-depressants, I’m on Wilbutrin, which has really helped. Seperation is tough. I try not to think what she is doing or if she is having an affair, she denies having one. I try not to think what she’s thinking or it will drive me crazy. I would set up a game plan with your husband if you can. For instance, is he willing to communicate with you everyday or see each other during the week? I chat with my wife some during the day or send her a text message but that’s about it. I usually have her initiate communication.

Obviously I’m no expert but you must take this time to work on yourself! I can’t emphasize this enough. The hardest part for me has been trying not to dwell on the mistakes I’ve made in the past. I realize that I need to make changes but I try not to think of “what if’s”. I also think about the worst case scenario, that my wife will not return. I have accepted that it may happen. I also have visualized what I want for myself in the future as far as career, health, house, etc. I’ve used this time to make changes to the house, go to the gym, church, contact old friends, eat better, and do things that I’ve been putting off for a while. I feel that I have to earn my wife’s respect in order for our relationship to work. I have to have to be confident and have a positive attitude when I’m around her. Being emotional just puts more pressure on her. I have become more open to other people which has been a big positive for me.

It is a rollercoaster in that you will wait and wait for them to call or get a hold of you. They are selfish during this time. It is as if an alien has taken your spouse and you no longer know your significant other. My wife is totally different around me compared to last month. I’m still learning to not worry about it so much and take steps to insure that I have a plan for ME. I’ve been married for 3 years and also have no kids. In that way, KLD, we are both lucky.