You are absolutely right Mort...After I did call him the other day, I wished I hadn't...I knew he was at her house when I made the phone call...after asking about the filters, he was being very matter of fact with me...so I just asked him a few questions that he had mentioned earlier...I asked if he still wanted to come home and stuff like that...his answer was Yes...I also made a few other comments about how HAPPY he was and I know it was immature of ME to do that...I should not have done it...I wont do it again...

there is not hope for this marriage, as much as HE thinks or wants there to be...I cannot see myself, after all the betraals he has put me thru, I cant see myself ever forgiving him or ever being with him again...I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it does not include him in it...

I cant fix him...I can only fix myself...and I think I am doing a good job at that...I finally finsihsed the lawn...another thing he is peeved at...He thinks I am hording the $35/two weeks for the lawn man away somewhere...when in actuallity I am not even PAYING the lawn man, I am doing it myself...where does he get this stuff...

Yea, I am taking the $35 and hording it...PLEASE! NO, I am simply trying to SAVE some money by doing it myself...

He cant stand the fact that I am surviving without ahim and I am not just wallowing in my misery...

Should I NOT answer the phone...If I dont, then can he use that against me in court...I just dont know what to do about him...Should I send him a weekly fax about the kids' schedule, Dr.s appt, change in meds, etc?

I am a good mother, and I dedicated to my kids and he knows that, yet, he wants to do anything to prove I am NOT...why? so he can have them full time and hire a nanny to take care of them...He calls them twice a week...to his own admittance...I told him if I were HIM...I would call my kids everyday, but that is just me...He doens't care...he is so selfish, he thinks once or twice a week is enough...He doesn't ask me about their Dr appts, or anything...I feel that I should not HAVE to tell him unless he asks...

What should I do?

I am off to the therapist now!

Answer the phone. If he has something constructive to say or ask, then talk. You have 3 kids together, so you will have to learn to work together. Bbbbuuutttt...if he starts with the BS again, you say "Gotta go."

Good idea. And then it is documented also. That way he cant say in court that you didnt send him info on the kids.

Look, you admitted that you have played the game with him. You have asked him about his situation and derided him for his decisions. What mesaage is that sending to him? It tells him you are still in the game, that you still care. So, he continues to play.

You are right, you cant change him. But by changing you, he MUST change! If you refuse to play this game, he will have to stop also. And then, we will see what we will see.

I believe yo uare ready to be done. But as Just Learning told me once, "never say never." You dont know what will happen in the future. You may move on and discover a new man that has his crap together and isnt like your WH. And that new guy MAY be Ed!!! I know you may not believe that...but I believe that somewhere in you, there still burns that hope. That is why you have fought as hard as you do. That is why you continue the game.

People do not get upset or angry about that which they do not care about. If you were completely done with him, you'd just laugh off his nonsense and move on. But there is still a thread there, still the pull.

But no matter whether there is a thread or not, you will not accomplish leaving or getting him back by continuing this game. All the game does is continue the insanity of the past.

Walk away from the game. Then we will see if you are actually walking away from Ed.

In His arms.

Why does he do it? Because he's an a$$. But more, because he knows you will LISTEN TO HIM VENT.

Get a grip, Mom! Its time to show him just how much he means to you right now as a WH. Diddly squat.

Let him talk to the kids. When they are finished, hang up the phone. No niceties, no games, no sarcasm.

There's no point of not letting him physically see you if you are letting him get into a war of words with you!

Don't give that WH jerk the time of day. YOu have a lot more important things to deal with. Like washing your hair.

your thread is right on Mort...The thing with answering the phone, is that once I DO answer the phone, I get so riled up...my blood starts boiling, my heart starts pounding...In my MIND I have accepted this...I can even see a future of us being "friends" or at least civil about this whole thing...but I believe my HEART is still hurting...the what he has done to me stars empounding my heart/brain, the what he has said to me...it all comes back when I hear his voice...I cant stand him...or what he has done...and then he throws in the "we can work this out...we can still be married" crap...

He cannot stand the fact that I am moving on...he still wants to conrol me and I am his posession...

The therapy went relatively well...As I was LEAVING..still standing there making my next appt...my phone rang...it was him...I did answer as I was still at the DR office...he wanted to know about aletter he recieved from MY lawyer...I told him he needed to discuss this with HIS lawyer and not to call me about it...he then asked where I was...I told him..he THEN said

Oh well, since you are there, tell them that I cant make my appt on Saturday <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I said "WHat? NO, you can call them and tell them that" he said he had properties to see...

I told him I dont care what you have to do...but didn't you have this appt set up BEFORE you made other commitments? he said YES...I said "well, you can call them yourself...

Now I am difficult cuz I wont break or make his appt...whatever

Then the phone rang three more times...did not answer it...the kids needed to call him so I got on the phone and asked him what he wanted earlier...his words

"Yea, I wanted to know where the kids were while you were AMUSING yourself at the DRs office?"

I said they are at vacation bible school...anything you need?

OK, so what is THAT supposed to mean? amusing myself? Are you kidding me...

I wanted to call him last night and tell him that we really need act more like adults about this for the KIDS sake...and that I would rather him NOT call me anymore and tell me he wants to reconcile cuz it is not going to happen...

BUT, I did not do that...I called my therapist instead and he has suggested we go thru email or fax or mail from now on...I tol dhim he doesn't check his email regularkly...he said that is not MY problem..if he misses something and I have sent it to him, that is HIS problem..I said, ok...will do that...

soooo, here we are...I am removing myself from the GAME that he is playing...I will NOT call him any more and MESS with HIS head...i will not engage in any of his antics any longer...

I really am happy now...I am realy am at peace...I am glad I am where I am today...I have a good relationship with my DS9 now, which I did not earlier in this mess...we talk a lot and I bought him two books yesterday...written by kids of divorce for kids of divorce...

I am good now! Thanks for you support!

Geez, I hate to be so skeptical, but it seems to me that he does this to you in the hope he can put you off the divorce course. If the divorce proceeds to conclusion he KNOWS he can't afford those nice houses he looks at and he doesn't want to be a lowly apartment dweller while you get to enjoy the former family home. This divorce is ruining his life style. If he could only get you to put it off....

Glad you're doing well in so many ways MF4M. Continue to separate yourself from him as much as possible.

Gotta share a quick story about being accused by OW of doing something to hurt her. One morning I get a call from OW saying that her husband found a scribbled note on the driver's seat of his car. It said "Call 1-800-FU*K." She wondered if it was me that drove in the middle of the night, all the way out to her house, drove up her driveway stealthily, deposited the note in her husband's car and then drove off into the deep dark night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Uh, NOT!

Then she asked if it could be ONE OF MY FRIENDS!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I told her it was probably some juvenile enemy of her oldest kid and it had nothing to do with the A. My friends who knew about the A didn't even know where she lived, or what her last name was. Her thought process was totally lame. I guess SHE might do something like that. Goes along with the low-class mentality.

Besides, if it was me, I would have finished the phone number and made it "Call 1-800-FU*K-YOU!" Now THAT would make sense! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

~ Snow

I was thinking about this while talking to hubby about you and I thought Id throw it out there in case it helps you.

You really, really want to get to him? really push his buttons and get him over the edge?

DONT TALK TO HIM.

If that's the only way you can teach/convince yourself to seperate from this game playing, go ahead and say you are doing it to drive him up the friggin' wall. ANYTHING ANYTHING to get you to be able to control the urge to talk to him.

My H's biggest En is admiration and attention...so when I refused to talk to him for a short time (and it was REALLY short) he oculd not handle it at all. He realized that even though I was thousands of miles away at school, he really DID need -my- attention. He got IC within 24 hours.

Your H isn't really believing you are 'amusing' yourself at the therapist's office- he said that because he knew it would wig you out. Grr, he's such a numbnut.

Ball's definately in your court, lady! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />