What is your next step, Coach?

ah, coach.


"You see the subtle shift? From nothing happend to so what if something happend...it wasn't important. And where have we all herd that crap before?"

If you know ANYBODY who hasn't heard this, then please let me know. I NEED someone like that 2 talk 2 me! ...LOL!

Coach, I understand. I really do. My W hasn't been violent, but she sure has said things like "I just wish you'd yell at me or something sometime."

I haven't given her the satisfaction.

-ol' 2long

Hello Coach,

I am sorry but I agree with Gimble. I think she has played you very badly and you are in denial. She sounds like quite a player and I would not be surprised if she has done other thing like this that you are not aware of. If someone else had written to you what you have written and how would you have responded.

She cheated on you, told you with hatred how much she dispises you, bites your neck so it bleeds and you see all of this as a great example of love she has toward you? She is back in the bedroom sleeping in the bed? I am sorry but I don't think I have ever read somebody being played as badly as you have been. Maybe I am misreading something but your last message indicates to me that she has humiliated you in the absolute worst possible way and you see this as love. In the future when she cheats on you again, gives you a disease, makes a mockery of your marriage and youself as a man, and maybe tries to kill you - will you see this as another show of a great passion of love that she has for you? Your reasoning seems so bizarre. Rationally you should be seeing a lawyer. It seems to me she has won on all counts. Coach - you deserve so much more than this. I am afraid that you would have to be masochistic to accept this. It is your life and I do with you the best of luck because you will need it if you stay with her after this.

It always seems to be a bit easier to see other's situations with more objectivity, than our own situations which are staring us in the face. We are too close to see very clearly.

I pray for clarity and the Lord's will and guidance for you, Coach.

All:

You know what this shows?

All of it: Letters stating boundaries, scheduled phone calls, spyware, GPS trackers, voice recorders, affairs, "just friends", secrecy, privacy, ethics, morality, Christianity...

The only thing that does matter is action.

And I'm not saying that from a position of authority.

-ol' 2long

Coach,

Don't you see what has happened?
She has given you the ball and dared you to throw the "hail mary".

And you blinked...

...because you don't see anybody open. It is almost impossible for you to win - and you wanted to stop and figure out a better way.

You think that if you go long, your family will be torn apart. If you stop and think, the clock will run out. You have no timeouts. But you haven't gone for it, because you don't see anybody open and are not yet willing to risk seeing your family all torn apart and scattered to the winds. That may be the most likely result, but it is not yet certain.

Throw the ball.
Make the police report.

It's the "hail mary".

Who knows if anybody can catch it, or if it will be intercepted.
But, it may be the only chance you have.

-AD

2Long is right.
Just do it.

Yep - police report.

If you don't, then all the tough talk you throw around here is meaningless in the heat of the real-life moment!

Don't be a hypocrit and stop being played!

This is it before bed...so guys...listen please...Try to have some faith in me...I Gave up lying to myself a long time ago. Gimble, Bry, Trix, Sue, LB...I'm embarassed by your confidencet in my naivete...guys I haven't been simple stupid for quite some time.

My wife play me? You guys have to be joking. She may get away with a lie or two...but fool me? Not likely, LOL. Play me?

Look, ...if she were that good then maybe I would have litte more respect for her. She ain't that good...what she is, is desperate! She is not violent in the least...and trust me while I'm kinky, a masochist? LOL I don't think so.

Whose the good one and whose the bad one? Well what she did (if anything for sure) was simple stupid and trite. A banal little adventure which drives me crazy with anger and hostility...so I will punish her and the @ss holes who decided to screw with my life. I am going to be mean, petty and vindictive about this...with all involved...and I am not proud of it...I wish I were a better man...but I have taken my lumps for this life time...and I will not take any more.

Mel, my next move? I'm going to bleed Laura dry by using her very close friend, the Prof's daughter. I'm going to start disessembling people around my WW until until folks get pretty PO'd at her for being the cause of there problems.

I'm going to speak to the Prof's daughter and then his wife and then him. And I'm going to let his daughter beg Laura to get me called off her old man so as to keep her mother from probably dumping his butt which I suspect she would probably rather do...and so since my WW will do anything for Laura...and Laura's wedding...do we understand what I just said here? Laura's wedding?...I will get what I'm after...and everyone will get what I want to serve up...notice that they can f#ck with anyone they want to but not me! Not now not ever cause I am not a turn the other cheek kind of guy...not anymore.

This is pure meanness on my part. But in the end, my DD will learn a valuable lesson as will my WW. They have to know that they can't play stupid games with people's lives and come away unscathed.

Will my WW end up leaving me in the end will become a valid question now.

As for the Prof, his wife and his daughter...They came into my world...uninvited...did they really think they could screw with my family and keep it all disconnected from me?

Sorry folks but I am no victim or saint...I am a mean SOB and everybody gonna get to hurt at the end of this day...everybody. Unless folks start fessin' up fast, comin clean....and making some very convincng apologies...cause I am very angry.
Coach

coach:

Get a good night's sleep, okay?

I know you will...

best,
-ol' 2long

Ok, seems to me you've decided to end the marriage building and have moved on to see just how much you can dish out before the WW bolts.

I'm one of the ones who do not understand your POV that the biting is her way of demonstrating she wants everthing fixed. Honestly, Coach, if one of us ladies told you this story "MY hubby got on my back and I could barely breath, then he decided to bite the hell out of my neck doggy-style, taking a major chunk of flesh out of my neck and sitting there unphased with blood pouring off his face. But he isn't violent in the least and now I know he really wants the marriage so Im probably going to work to save this..."

You would freak the f' out and be loaded for bear. You'd tell us we were out of our ever-lovin' minds and that it'd be sick to stay in a relationship with a man who is capable of such action. You'd probably froth at the mouth that we didn't call for medical help, let alone get the police for protection.

Oh, I can understand revenge fantasies- although I could never finance them- but I can't understand staying in the same house with this madwoman!

Coach, I am just so very sorry. I do have confidence in your ability to handle this and I want you to know that. I know you are furious, rightfully, but I also can see that you have the ability to set that fury aside and think sanely and strategically. As a person with a splash of Irish blood, I am most impressed. I know you will do the right thing, Coach.

Your friend,
Mel

Good night, Coach.

Coach, I havn't posted to you before, but you seem like an intelligent articulate man. I hope you're smart enough to understand when hubris may be clouding objectivity. I'm sure you have some equally intelligent 3rd party that you can speak to gain some perspective.

Your wife is off-balance to say the least. I am concerned. The dynamics here have me gravely concerned. I have seen what people are capable of...

Coach -- I have been "lurking" on this site daily for almost a year (me = BS) and this is the first time my eyes popped out of my head at a post and compelled me to actually login. I am hoping you have your next move well planned - your wife sounds unstable at best and I fear her behavior may escalate. I agree with the post that you may want to document your wounds. Wishing you clarity for your next decisions.

coach,
I am also posting to your for the first time, but I've been following your story for a long while.
I understand your need for revenge, and right now your course of action might seem very plausible and maybe even brilliant in an evil sort of way. But you don't know what type of allegiance this people have toward your wife. You don't really know what kind of tripe she might have fed them, and if she is actually leading you right into a trap.

Maybe what she wanted the most was a physical response for you, if you had hit her she'd have definitely made a point of calling the police and made a huge scene. Maybe she has been telling people what an abusive husband you are and she just needed the proof to finish the set up.

Instead of making sure there was a police report drawn inmediately you have left this to be a matter of he said- she said, and no matter how you bother people, if they are on her side to begin with, they will most than likely believe whatever she says when it comes to her words against yours.

I love my husband, more than anything else in this world, and no matter what I could never EVER get myself to draw blood from him, no matter what, unless it was an amazingly unprovable TV Drama situation in which I could save his life by doing it. As mad and angry and incredibly insane as I have ever gotten through all this mess he has never hurt me in that level, let alone trying, and I have never hurt him either.

I know you know your wife better than any of us does, and maybe you might be right and playing this little game better than we can imagine. But be aware that once you get involved in the revenge game, getting out is very difficult, painful, sometimes impossible, and once you have gotten what you wanted you might loose a part of yourself you never wanted to do without.

I don't believe you are a bad person, and since I am just as angry and revenge driven right now, I can understand what you are saying, your point of view, and sometimes I find myself cheering for your plan of action.

But consider very well what your options are, what the downfall of your actions might be, and ponder if it is really worth it in the end.

Believe me, I have fought many battles, and I have won most of them, and at the end, when I am standing in what should be a glory stance, I just find myself full of regret and wondering why did I do that?

In short... live your life well, and make sure you have little regrets.

Wow, just Wow...

..I read alot of your posts coach, although I don't think that we have "spoken" yet.

I bet you do know what you're doing. And I bet your vision is still somewhat clouded, tho. How could it not be?

I think that you have the best and fullest knowledge of your wife and her actions to deal with it all purdy darn efficiently. But do try to think ahead, and remember that you didn't "expect" her reaction to be so fast and so violent.

It is hard to read here and get the full effect. I know that others cannot SEE me and my H, and how we interact. I know that NOBODY can understand these very personal and subtle nuances that happen only between two people. Whoa, how I know this. My H is very manipulative (at least I truly believe and SEE this) and Gimble's words jumped out at me.



This and MelodyLane's posts to you seem to me the most insightful...mine not excluded, of course, I am but a newbie at this!

MelodyLane said that she had confidence that you would handle this...something like that. And that hit me too. If you, of all people, cannot handle this, then nobody can. Although I have my doubts that anyone can, if you really want to know. Like it was said here...BOTH in the M have to be up for it. Otherwise, all the MBing and letters and ... won't mean a dam^ed thing!

That is WHAT IRKS me sooo bad here sometimes too. Dammit!!! I just want to scream - WAKE up, LISTEN up and GET IT, WSs and OPs and even neglectful spouses!!!!

I dooo understand that you "pushed her buttons" and you know it. Well, good for you. So, don't go to the police. And you got tested and will again, I'm sure. But do at least have someone take pics and write up your own little "report" or something. Just in case.

Good Luck Coach (although I hate saying that, it seems so trite and trivial in the light of things, but maybe sometimes we need Luck),

jls

Hi Coach,

Melody and you always make such good sense. If she says what you are doing makes sense then so be it. It sounds like you have a plan and I wish the best in implementing it.

Coach,
You graciously supported me when I told my story of my xWS who finally got into recovery and stayed in recovery from alcohol and drug addiction. I had finally set my limits, expected himself to prove to me that he had changed by a change in his attitude and actions over time. How he and I had several good years, only for him to end up having an affair with a 21 year old he met at AA/NA, resulting in an OC.

Coach, you stated that my story brought tears to your eyes. We briefly pondered the question of why some people seem to just float along in life with never a concern, problem, while others suffer in their wake. Both of us knew it was a rhetorical question...no real answers..yet a painful reality.

Coach, obviously what you decide to do about your marriage will be your choice. I don't think any less of you....but I am gravely concerned about your wife's "problem solving, coping" capacity..and more so about your safety. Regardless if her biting was deviously plotted out, or a moment of total loss of impluse control because of fear, or rage or frustration,...her behaviors are primal and dangerous.

You mentioned seeing it as a sort of "proof" of her loving you. You mentioned how it took away some of her pride to have bit you. You mentioned how you deliberately provoked it, but just didn't expect it to have that intense of an impact, and certainly not that quickly. In my opinion, you are exhibitting classic symptoms of a domestic violence victim/survivor.

1. "Well he didn't really mean to hit me that hard. He just loves me so much, has such passion for me, that he just got carried away. He said he'd never do it again."

2. "Well if I had cleaned the house the way he wanted...if I hadn't looked at that man in the store... See, I really brought it on myself. He has the right to expect a clean house. It was my fault that I made him jealous. I knew how he felt about those kind of things. I'm the one responsible for pushing his buttons and making him go out of control. If I hadn't acted like that, he wouldn't have had to teach me a lesson, or punish me. That just proves how much he loves me. And I know he feels really bad about what he did."

3. "Well I don't think that he really thinks that I'm a slut or a whore, and that my body is replusive to him. He just said that because he was so angry at me for asking where he was last night. I reminded him that he was the one who had cheated on me before, that I had reasons for not trusting him. I told him that he was really hurting my feelings, but he told me that he didn't mean to. Then he to me to "Just drop the discussion", as he was tired of me mentioning his affair, throwing it up in his face again. Then he walked away like nothing had happened. He never did end up telling me where he spent the night last night. But I don't want to stir things up again. I think that I got my point across."

At best, biting is a 2 year old response to frustration. Your wife is not a 2 year old. A 2 year old in an adult body is dangerous. At worse, she is sociopathic. She has no qualms about sinking her teeth into human flesh, as blood oozes around her teeth, down her lips and neck. This seems like such a violent act to me. Thinking about one human being doing this to another human being makes me nauseous. What a "wonderful" way to distract you...to throw you off...from what the real issue was between the two of you... accountability for her choices, commitments, time, etc.

It sounds like she's tried most of the psychological methods of attack and distraction in the past, and she knew you were "on" to her. When an abuser's sense of power and control is highly threatened, you are in the greatest danger. The greatest number of murders related to domestic violence occur when the abused spouse is making moves to leave the situation. In your case, you were "leaving" her emotionally. You weren't playing her game anymore. You weren't giving her a "target" by reacting one way or the other. She sounded desparate to find anything that would take your attention off the issues you were really upset about. She launched a surprise attack using a weapon you never saw coming. She acted like a vicious predator. (I'd say "animalistic", but I wouldn't want to insult your dear dog or mine!)

Coach, whether you stay in the marriage and try to work it out, or leave...would you please give some consideration to the concerns expressed by myself and others on this site? Not as judgments of your choices, but as genuine concern about your safety and wellbeing. At the very least, please consider setting up some kind of safety plan for yourself...a means of escape.

I, too, would get documentation of your wound to the police. She might claim self-defense, but as previously noted, how could she explain a bite on your back as self defense??? Also, in the State of Michigan, the spouse exhibitting the physical injury is assumed to be the "victim" of abuse initially, and the other spouse is taken to jail as the "alleged abuser".

I don't think it's that hard to understand. One thing the BS really wants is for the WS to hurt as much as they are hurting. She is. Or appears to be. The thing the BS hates the most is the idea that the WS doesn't give a damn about the marriage. She obviously does.

Both these things reassure you -- despite the violent form such "caring" is currently taking. You have been having violent feelings -- it's reassuring, on a psychological level, to see someone enact the violent feelings you have been having -- leaving you innocent.

But Gimble has a point. And it's also true that you still don't really know what happened -- although how you can find out what happened privately between two people who are interested in lying is questionable.

Be careful. This could get worse before it gets better.