Oh my God! These are some of the most insightful and interesting posts that I have ever read. And I’m really striving here to not come off as a know it all. LOL Given the data, the remarks that have been advanced on this thread are mind-boggling.

But do you guys really know what comes shooting out at me from all that I read? It’s the level of anger that is being universally shared. It’s how all of us (my self included 100%) are so unforgiving of the pain caused to one of us…yet, on a personal basis…(and if you need the proof of what I say, just read a whole bunch of posts around here) how permissive we are with our own lives and our own self’s.

Reading here, it seems to me that this is what it must have been like once upon a time,…when good folks, well meaning people…decent people…burned witches…or worse yet, burned suspected witches. And let me say this once again for all to hear! I include myself in this observation…100%!!

First, let me lay to rest the theory that my WW planned her physical attack on me. That she reacted physically in any way at all is so far out of character that I can’t even come up with a meaningful analogy. But 2long, just in case, I’ve already covered all the mirrors and dumped out all the garlic in the house. As to standing out in the sun…I’ll have to chance it…this is Miami after all. By the way, I’m convinced that this incident in my life could never have happened any where except in Miami. This is just such a Miami kind of thing! Yuk!

And another thing that troubles me. Lets not dignify this situation by comparing it to a soap opera, cause it ain’t. It doesn’t even deserve that much meaning What this is, is just another nasty, trite little incident…that involves a small level of domestic violence.

This happens a 1000 times a day in a 1000 places in the world and it will keep happening, given the human condition and level of civility we as a race have achieved. There is nothing about this incident that’s fanciful or worthwhile. This is all just base crap…its beyond humiliating for me to be a part of such an incident. This is nothing more then just another nasty little cheating story. None of this stuff deserves the respect of giving it any kind of romantic flavor. It’s garbage…nothing more and possibly a whole lot less.

The problem is that it’s my garbage…I didn’t ask for it and I didn’t want it in my life but here it is, never the less, and so guess who gets to clean it up? And does this not sound so very familiar to all of us? LOL Isn’t this our universal cry?

JPH, AM, AD, Mel and all of us…did it ever strike you all that not any of us are really innocent? That betrayal often happens because we allow it in our lives and are willing to put up with it? And isn’t that what so many of you are thinking about me right now?

But think about this and think about this site. My anger has actually cooled and you know what? At no time in the last 4 or 5 days did I loose control! And you know what else…if there is anything for me to be proud of in this sordid mess, that’s what I’m feeling that it is.

My wife and daughter are involved in something and I really think I’ve got a handle on what it’s all about. But it’s taken me this long to calm down and cool out so that I could start to figure what this is really all about. In the interim, however, I have not LBed, called names or acted in anyway that any rational person could call reprehensible. And folks, from where I am coming from over the last 7 years, that’s huge…at least to me it is. By the way, there are really no horrible villains in this mess…I believe that now with all my heart.

If I post about this subject with any knowledge, it’s because having experienced the pain in it, it became an obsession with me to learn about it. I’ve always had a certain facility to read between the lines in any given situation. This is what I do…have always done…what I have a certain talent for…and sure I am wrong sometimes…but given time and experience…the subject we deal with here on this board…it’s almost a slam dunk!

And do you guys know why? Cause this stuff is so atypical that prognosticating coming events in these relationship situations, ideas, attitude of the participants and so on, is just a question of understanding historical facts. WS & BS…we all essentially act the same as every WS and BS ever did. That’s why most of this stuff is so tiresome. We all think unique…our lives, our situations, what’s happening to us…it’s unique…NOT!!

Sorry guys but that’s reality and that’s one of the reason why I am so angry….my wife found a way to make me common and trite…I strive and have always strived to be more and she makes me less…with out thought or care.

But it don’t matter now…I am just so much better to day then I have been for the last 4 days. I have a few things to check out over the next day or so and then I should have a pretty good idea of what happened.

Will I ever really know if she had sex with this guy? Probably not…but I will soon be at a place to make a real good, educated guess and that’s something that I’ve learned to be at peace with.

Thanks to all for caring so much. More later.
Coach

Coach:

Anger? ol' 2long?

...

Be sure 2 wear a hat and a trenchcoat for a while, just in case...

-ol' 2long

P.S.

The good news, if she IS a vampire, is that you'll live forever now.

But your diet interests are about 2 change...

-ol' 2long

Even in your PAIN, you're "schooling" us!

"If that EVER happened to me...Why I would (fill in the blank)..."

If you had asked me March 10th. "WIll you leave your wife if she cheats on you?"

I would have answered a resounding "HELL YEAH!!"

Fast forward...I have spent 3 months trying to get a woman with serious personality flaws to reconcile...to no avail My brother thinks I am a nut for even trying to reconcile, but, until a person has BEEN THERE (faced the EVIL of adultery)...you never REALLY know what you'll do.

Coach, we will never have a scintilla of the DETAILED knowledge that you do regarding your situation, so you MUST do what you THINK is best...we, after all, aren't facing your specific demon of repeat adultery.

I am one of the many, screaming "Leave Her!!!"...just like my brother did to me...

We do it because we care (in a disconnected Internet-type of way)...we KNOW the hurt and we don't want our MB buddy to have to deal with it any more and dumping your repeat WW would hasten an end to that pain

YOU alone know what best to do...keep us updated and we'll hope (for us agnostics) and pray (for you Christians) for a safe and peaceful result...whatever that may be.

Be SAFE!!!!

Be well,

WNB

Oh. I see. I hope we can all see what the real problem is now, Coach.

It's your vanity. It's your thinking your circumstances are different, special, and that you have unique insight. Your self-control and ability to control the situation are beyond question. You are calling the shots. You are at the controls. You will exact revenge at your own price, and on your terms.

This is the red flag I targeted in your earlier post. It's not her behavior, the violence, the calm following, etc., etc. I can understand all that, and have a certain flexibility in understanding that. What is dangerous is the weird way you get off on the sense of your own efficacy and power. I'm not "angry" at all. The red flag comments are below:



You failed. Earth to coach! Earth to coach!



This is sneering and supercilious, Coach. Beneath you.



Earth to coach! Earth to coach! You were seriously bitten by your wife! You weren't "in control." Drop this crap. It's a false sense of vanity. And I'm not horrified by the violence. I can easily understand how these things happen.



Oh, so it was your VANITY that was offended! You don't want to appear common and trite, because you are special.

Your vanity is driving you, Coach. And that's what's scary, and can backfire powerfully, because it's your vanity -- not your wife -- that is out of control.

I stick with my original suggestion: detach yourself from the situation. Gather what information you can from dishonest sources, expose what you can. Change your locks or move out is probably a wise suggestion. And I do suspect her of manipulating you -- not through foreplanning, but instantly, subliminally and viscerally. I'm willing to reserve judgment on that last.

As for the wedding, I suggest you attend separately and be civil. I think the fakey togetherness routine will ring more false in the family photo album than a dignified separateness -- whatever the future may bring.

And come down and join the rest of us, Coach. I really don't think you are that much more superior to the rest of us.

(And if I seem to be coming at you with a 2X4, it's because I have more than a little amour propre myself.)

Ms. A.M. Martin,
Please re-read my post because if I have communicated to you the kind of vanity, errant disregard for those here that are trying to help me or the conceit that you are attributing me…based on what I wrote…then I do have serious problem…either that or I have some how offended you.

In any case, be advised that I don’t do sneering…I do sarcasm, anger, self righteous and indignation,….I do pompous, presumptuous and hurt feelings…and yes on occasion I do vanity, vindictive and vengeance…but sneering? I never do sneering. Sneering has a very strong element of meanness and while I have many unenviable facets to my personality, not either hate or mean are one of those.
Coach.

You're cute, coach. That's one of the reasons that I like you. But sorry -- "pompous" is a subset of vanity ... one could argue that "sarcasm" is an attempt to be superior, too. I'm willing to withdraw "sneering."

Coach, you don't think you do "hate" or "mean" -- but I think there's a good deal of passive aggression in your treatment of WW. There's a lot of manipulation. These are big-time LBs. At least they would be for me.

I DON'T BLAME YOU. You are a week out from D-Day. You have been outrageously wronged...again! But I wonder if these things have been LBs all along. You wrote once that you don't love her with the pre-D-Day#1 passion, and she knows it. Was that withholding of love also a kind of manipulation, a big LB? I'm not telling, I'm asking.

You haven't offended me, but you have riled me a bit -- just as you have your wife. You are determined to do the Outer Limits thing -- "We control the vertical. We control the horizontal" -- and whatever falls out, you call it part of your master plan.

Your recovery FAILED. This is a hard, nasty reality to eat. I know -- I ate it. It wasn't my fault; it may not be yours. But swallowing that will create a little humility.

Your being in control FAILED. Getting a hunk taken out of your neck was not part of your "master plan." You are only rewriting the script to make yourself sound on top.

The revenge scenario just ain't going to work -- too many volatile variables. Why don't you try compassion and a punching bag in the gym?

I really think you need some space to absorb all this.

I can't say what you should do vis-a-vis WW. I understand your not wanting to leave. I understand that you want to work this through. But it's all hitting you so fast, and you are reacting with what I suspect are your habitual reactions -- the "I'm in control" thing. You have controlled your temper, etc. -- but I suspect that's part of a passive aggression pattern.

I'm throwing these out as questions. I really don't know your wife. But your acting superior would drive me, as your wife, nuts.

Can't help but think this whole thing is part of a divine plan to teach a little humility. Sorry if that bites, coach! You've had enough teeth in you already.

Maybe we would understand what's going on if you try to share how you plan on finding out the details and exacting revenge on all the players etc. I am not sure how you can put it all together and come out with a recovery.

What is your initial plan for the upcoming wedding?

And whether or not she has sex...well we usually have to assume the worst...didn't she spend the night there? She certainly wasn't in the Wine Country...or did she head home the same day before spending the night in the Davis area?

Anyway...we know that an EA in your W's case, with prior(s), is still breaking the bounderies, and is pretty damn painful ...to whatever extent. She knew better and thought she could deceive you yet again...and probably felt entitled too.

Coach...you say your wife didn't plan the physical attack. I used this analogy on my stbx during counseling. Say instead of adultery, he shot me with a very powerful gun. He didn't mean to fire the weapon and the thought beforehand that I would be hurt didn't occur to him. Now given these circumstances what affect does that have on my wound? Not a thing. It's done just as much damage whether planned or not. It hurts the same.

What's with blaming Miami?

Who compared this situation to a soap opera?

This happens 1000x day in 1000 places around the world..so does murder and that doesn't make it right either.

"just another little cheating story" I remember reading on Preg board, a WS/BS claimed she had an "small affair" .. yeah right..it happened just before her H's huge affair. There's no such animal as a little cheating story.

Sure Coach, I'm not innocent and never portrayed myself as such.

You say there are no horrible villians in this mess. I can think of one. Just as Mike Tyson got out of control when he bit of Evander Holyfield's ear, your wife was out of control..dangerously so.

You said you and WW have essentially acted the same way as every other WS and BS, I beg to differ. This is the first incident I've heard of a spouse biting the other. You're right it is base.

When I was reading your post, I remembered feeling the same way. My stbx's behavior was so bad (not biting bad) and my friends/family were horrified. They couldn't understand why I would stay another night under the same roof with him. The truth was I was afraid to let go. I don't understand why other than I just kept thinking he would wake up and see what a wonderful wife and family he had. I didn't want to see him married to someone else when I had done all the work to fix him. Was that stupidity heaped up with pride or what? When he left, I refused to speak to him for over 8 months. During mediation we began talking and he told me he had quit drinking-I believe more like slowed down. I realized a month ago that he hasn't changed. He still didn't appreciate me or his family. I had half his assets in question and he was playing a game to keep them. He is what he is...just as we all are what we are.

Coach, you're still numb from all that has transpired in a very short amount of time. Not only have you been betrayed by your wife but your daughter is in on the deception. I know that hurts more than words can describe. You can pretend this is not as bad as it sounds. You can pretend to have control on an unreasonable situation. But that doesn't change facts.

Don't try to justify your actions to us for who are we but words on a screen. Just listen and try not to justify why the poster is wrong..or guilty themselves..or that everyone goes through the same thing at the same time saying everyone is unique. We're not witch hunting or trying to burn anyone at the stake, but we're people who are concerned for your safety as well as your dog's.

Ms. AM,
If you want to take me down then at least do it based on the totality of my assertions…not just those that you find objectionable. You can’t separate the pieces and still have the whole.

I have never claimed to be in control of anything…other then myself. Am I vain regarding this particular element of the current composition that is me? Yes…learning to be in control of myself has been an on going life long project and will continue to be…as long as I am of this earth. But what is this “self” control of which I speak so proudly?

I think now before I respond. I ponder before I take action. I wait patiently before I react. I’ve written hundreds of memos in recent years that have never been sent. I sent out a memo today that I wrote 4 months ago!

10 years ago I worked with Albert Ellis…learning to know what to do about that over which I have no control. Further, I have proven to myself, time and again, that waiting to act is in my own best interest and doing it in my own time is to my advantage…and so that’s what I do. Would you suggest it would be better for me to not be in control or is your question as to weather or not I really am? Because if you do question the truth in this assertion, just come on over and take a look at my neck!

People become most frustrated with me when I refuse to function on their schedule rather then my own. Would you call this passive aggressive? I think not. But it’s one of the elements in my personality that most aggravates my wife. I.e., she wanted to tell whatever she wanted to tell me and she came running home 2 days early to do so. I was not ready to listen to her. 4 days ago, I would not have herd a word she might have said. But her anxiety was such that she couldn’t maintain control of herself in this crisis situation…so to bad for her. But I’ll tell you this…if I were less in control my neck might hurt a bit less. Maybe do you think?

Passive aggressive…no I don’t think I am…although I wouldn’t be above it if what I had to win warranted that behavior…but sorry that’s not me. Confrontational is me… prepared and ready…that’s me. What you see is what you get…that’s me…heart on my sleeve…that’s me. Sentimental, that’s me. Emotional, that’s me. But with it all…in control…of me.

Now before we get to hearts and flowers, where my WW is concerned, please spare me. She gives just as well as she gets. She needs no protection from any one….especially to defend her self…she is very capable...she was a major NYC publicist for years…she worked for Howard Rubenstein for goodness sake…this is no shrinking violet…she is a paid GD assassin! She defended that God damned Exxon Valdez! WW is a veracious taker. She’s a killer. She doesn’t ask…she takes and demands…and pushes. But she’s not hateful and not evil…she bit my neck out of frustration…not hate. I pushed those buttons in her it’s true…but as much to give myself time to settle and think as to put her in her place.

And in truth…no one was more shocked then she was the next day in the doctor’s office. Besides, the real hurt done me that night was not in her bite…it was in her bark! Long after the scares on my neck heal the memory of the words she spoke…they will remain. And not because she meant them…but because she was capable of even saying them.

Look my WW is a very passionate woman. If I would have allowed it, she would have cut her self on her own neck so that she could have bled with me. If I would have allowed it she would have held me all night and slept with me…which is how she finds comfort. But why would I have allow that? That is proof of nothing. I could have also grabbed her by the hair and dragged her butt back out of my bed…and she would have gone off to the guest room…crying and moaning…but why would I have done that? That would have hurt me more then her. And so am I vain as you contend that I am? Maybe…but not stupid and not in a fog.

Is she capable of doing worse then she’s already done? Well let me put it this way…if I ever really want to find out, all I need to do is stay out all night with another woman. And I’m not being glib. I’m dead serious. Some one else here posted me (sorry, please forgive me, I can’t remember who) regarding a theory that she doesn’t really love me as much as she might be addicted to me in some way. Interesting thought isn’t it?

Yet, with it all, 7 years ago she did what to me was unimaginable! And last week she did it again. Even if she didn’t have sex…she did it again! So what does this all mean? Dump her? Do it now? What? Maybe…but if so…when I’m ready…me…I will decide…not her or anyone else!

I admit I can’t be sure that I made the right decision as to having tried to save my marriage the first time? But I do not accept this to be a failure. To not have tried would have been a failure. And Let me tell you something else…people do stupid, damaging things all the time…they just do…but we can never really know what motivates them…who knows why they do what they do?…Because my wife decides to f#ck another man may very well have nothing to do with how she feels about me…but it has for sh#t sure everything to do with how I feel about her and more important…how I feel about myself! And that’s how I now function…by worrying about how things affect me…and it’s exhausting and it’s terrifying…I love but I want to love more but I’m afraid to love more and so I do what I have to do to guard myself and I all the time…. I wonder…if I should just give it up?

A last thought for tonight AM. What ever I am, I don’t use the truths that people say to make them less. That you use my integrity against me…that is unfair…and that my dear is beneath you! And may God be my witness. I say this to you in total love and not one once of anger...a little disappointment maybe…

In any case, what to do? I will know…I have to trust myself now. I have to believe that I will know. I just have too.

More later.
Coach

Look my WW is a very passionate woman. If I would have allowed it, she would have cut her self on her own neck so that she could have bled with me.

Excuse me while I call "BULLSH*T".

She bit you on the neck so that you would be forced the indignity of a trip to the doctor...much like the one that she felt you were forcing on her.

Her words said it...

“Now we can both go to the doctor together and see who is infected with what!

Sounds premeditated to me too.

Hope you had the doctor give you a shot for that bite. A human bite is more dangerous than that of a dog.

On second thought...you might want to ask for a rabies shot. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

committed

Coach,

Don't know if I have ever posted to you, but I have read your posts and have found them to be uniformily very good. I have read this thread and felt I had little to offer, but now I feel I do have a few things for you to consider. First with your indulgence I would like to state a few points for consideration.

1. I think you absolutely did the right thing giving her another chance and trying to rebuild your marriage 7 years ago.

2. You have the doc's records so there really is no need to go to the police just yet, if ever on the matter of biting.

3. If you were a female, you are darned right you would be advised to seek a shelter to protect yourself, and to obtain a restraining order. You are a male, so you are capable of defending yourself, but in doing that you are then vulnerable to arrest, law suits, and such. So consider carefuly this physical abuse issue, being a male you at a huge disadvantage with respect to the law, even if you are ONLY defending yourself.

4. As to her words to you... I truely think you should accept them in the manner they were intended...to hurt you. She has clearly accepted that the best defense is a good offense and her words are/were offensive. I would counsel you to accept them, believe she meant every word of it, and she will use them again ANY TIME she feels it is to her advantage.

5. Frankly given my comments on item 4, I would really question the wisdom of remaining married to her based on her behavior verbally and physically, MORE than her trip to Davis to see the Prof. Something is very wrong here, very wrong, and it does not have to do with needs. I worry that this is about issues much deeper and your following MB will not help them.

6. I believe that you tactic of waiting so they have had ample opportunity to stick their foot in their mouths is well founded and clearly NOT conflict advoidance. I sense you and I are somewhat the same. I am a pretty easy going guy, I can forgive and have forgiven a variety of things in my life, BUT... I play to win and when I decide that taking out the other person professionally, socially, or even physically is appropriate, I ALWAYS take my time and do it "right". I admire this trait in you.

7. Frankly, I think your W is not worth the effort to remain married to her, but she is NOT my W and I truely don't know everything. She has a long history of doing things to hurt you and a very short history of even being able apologize much less "working" on healing you. It is for you to do, it is for you to know, and it is for you to live with. So do go slow, play the game, but make sure YOU WIN. I think you know what I am talking about.

Finally, I realize this is not really MB advice, but frankly this is the second time around the block here, and further she seems to relish hurting you: emotionally and physically. Until something changes that part of her, I personally see little hope that MB or anything else will help your marriage.

Must go, I wish you the best and I hope that somehow this can be reconcilled, but given what you have said, I have faint hope.

God Bless,

JL

I don't get it...
You asked her to have the blood test without proof she had sex that night.
Moreover, you had a chance(???) to learn what's really hapenning, yet you didn't ask...
And you claim you have control, yet you go to your bedroom crying... - not consistent then... I mean, when you act - act as an Oscar winner Coach or don't act at all ;-)

Also, you analize too much... you go too deep... and you give your own explanation based not on the facts but your way of thinking... could be dangerous/misleading, that usually is...

However, I'd like to hear her part of story, too.....


PS: For I feel some 'holes'... Are you totally sincere about ALL of this? (If you don't mind me asking please...)

I still don't see how what your wife did (biting you)as proving her love..out of fear that you were ignoring or "abandoning" her.

I see it as you setting firm boundaries. Healthy enough thing to do. Not being reactive. Healthy enough thing to do. I don't think that your wife was upset because she loved you so much and was afraid of being "abandoned". In my opinion she was upset because she was afraid of getting caught!! Her previous ways of "coping" weren't working. Her questionable behavior in CA had already been brought to others' attentions, regardless of their responses. She was being "outed".

It's obviously not going to affect me directly whether you decide to work on your marriage..or leave..or take a time out. You are the one who decides, interprets, acts, reacts,and perceives this relationship. You are the only one of us that experiences this relationship up close and alive. (Well, other than your wife and Jake!) You are the one who lives with the consequences of your choices (positive or negative), not us. I have absolutely no right to claim that I have "your answers".

As I stated in a previous post, for me it's not so much about judging your choices. It's being concerned about your safety and wellbeing. (I guess I am judging whether or not I think you are making safe choices! Oops!) I share my viewpoints and opinions because that's what most of us on this site are here for. Feedback, support, 2 x 4s, etc. Sometimes others can be more objective...or help us see positive aspects of ourselves that we had lost track of..serve as resources for new skills..or kick us in the butt to sit up and take notice. But, ultimately it always comes back to ourselves when any choice is made. I truly hope that whatever choices you make will bring you healing and peace, coach.

Okay, coach, back from dinner. I'll try one more time and then go to bed. Maybe this is a lost cause. I can't claim to have a confrontational style -- but I have had a day in which a lot of weird issues have hit the fan, and perhaps I misread your posts, or heard a different "voice" reading them, or perhaps you were getting some of the flotsam and jetsom washing up from other parts of my life. Apologies if I have been tactless or cutting.



"Objectionable" isn't quite the right word. I have no right to object, and no stake in your life. I don't know you and am likely never to know you. I have had a strong reaction to some of your posts, in which you exult in the idea of revenge, and manipulate other people (however much they have wronged you) to maximize their pain. I am also reacting to a lot of covert bragging. And some of this stuff seemed illusory and downright dangerous.

I wasn't making an observation based on one or two comments, coach, but an overall tone. Could I have misread you? Quite possibly. I don't know you.

And, like all the other posters here, I am giving reactions, not preparing a legal brief for a courtroom appearance. I don't need to prove anything, and don't mind being wrong.

But yes, there is a general tone that you are above the common lot of man, and the general rules don't apply to you.

You have a tendency to flourish credentials when challenged. You did x,y, and z in the business world, therefore your opinions are more valid than ours. It may or may not be true. But it's hard to make suggestions to people who overrule you with a subtle kind of one-upsmanship.

(For example, I'm kind of weak on the corporate world -- not my style -- but I have worked with high-powered PR people. They don't impress me much. A lot of them blow away in a high wind.)



Well...this isn't quite true. You were talking about enacting revenge fantasies. How you were going to make different people talk. How you were going to make them pay. What lessons you were going to teach them. How this was all going to play out your way.

PART of you knows that you have no control over others, but another part doesn't know that. So when other posters say observe you are trying to control things well out of your control, you do a shell game.



Well, couldn't you have told her on Day 1, "WW, I'm going to take time to process this. Meanwhile, I'd prefer to sleep separately and have some space. We'll talk next Tuesday."

You admitted you were "pushing the buttons" (i.e., trying to manipulate a reaction), in such a way as to make the situation more volatile. Using silence not for your own processing, but to heighten her tension and fear. It worked.

Yes, I guess I'd call that passive aggressive. But I'm not a head shrink, and I don't want to play word games. As I said in my post, it was a suggestion, not a diagnosis.



Me, me, me. I'm always suspicious when people make advertisements about how they are. Usually, a large, observable proportion of their behavior runs counter to the claims.

Can't say that's true in your case -- I don't know you. But offhand, from what you've said so far in this case I'd question the "confrontational" and "what you see is what you get."



You seem proud of this. Why?



I'm not aware that I'm using your integrity against you. I am poking what I perceive to be self-destructive weaknesses. Not so much in this post, as in the earlier ones with revenge scenarios and a lot of manipulation.

Again, I DON'T BLAME YOU! I think you are in shock. And you strike me (perhaps wrongly, again) as one of those people who begin to ACT immediately (and the techniques you are using, including waiting, is a form of "action" -- it was a decision with a strategy behind it, not a true, open-ended "wait and see") -- and I found the motives behind your actions a bit troubling. You are the betrayed spouse, and in a lot of pain. There's much more to say to your wife -- but she's not posting, and right now she doesn't appear to want suggestions. Presumably, you do.



Well, Coach, forgive me if I don't quite believe the "total love" -- you wouldn't recognize me on the street or phone. But I appreciate the thought! Disappointed? Well, I must say after what I've been through in the last two years, I don't care much about disappointing people. They have disappointed me, enormously. And I observe they tend to be disappointed unless I roll on my back and stick my feet in the air like a dead bug.

Again, coach -- this isn't a courtroom trial. But I'm sensing some of the things people around you are reacting to -- like your daughter, for example.

And there are people caught up in this who really are innocent victims -- like your prospective son-in-law's family. It's their son's wedding, too, as well as your daughter's. I'm not saying you should kiss and make up with WW -- fallout is inevitable -- but your decisions are having a huge effect on their perception of the family they are joining.

Finally, and you may not credit this -- but I'm on your side. And I'm happy to stop posting if I've ticked you off too much.

Good points.

AM, JL and others, I wrote a post before I read what you guys had written to me so I just wanted to say thanks for your time before I tell you'all about last night and today. Also, I'm kinda not feeling great and my post may not make some sense but if not, tomorrow is another and right now i'm not feeling to sharp. So here's what I just wrote in my blog.

Last night and today proved frighteningly informative. I’m not real happy about what I now know and the way things are turning out in general. In fact, I'm quite sure that I’m in shock.

To begin with I called Donna and David last night. They are my DD’s in-laws to be and the folks that threw the engagement party.

Before, calling and I gave what I was going to say a lot of thought and decided that the best thing to do was to be totally honest. I thought about not really telling it all or about making an excuse for asking the questions I was going to ask but in the end decided to just go with the simple truth; if for no other reason then for the sake of exposure. Total and complete exposure; because after all, isn’t that what I always advise? Total and complete exposure?

Any way so I took Jake and went out at around 10:00 PM, with out saying where and why. I drove over to the parking lot at the beach. Then I called, David answered and I asked if Donna was around. She was and I asked if she could get on the phone as well so that I could ask them both for a little help.

I asked them about the party. My first question? Was the Prof at the party to which they both answered no, but that he had been invited.

It seems that he did send a lovely gift however, but had cried off at the last minute due to some reason neither could remember. Didn't sound right so I then asked how late my wife had stayed. They said that she was there till the very end and of course had helped clean up and open gifts.

To the best of their recollection, she and my DD left together at around 1:30 AM. And I did speak to my wife that evening before I went to bed…at around 11:00 my time. Didn’t ask that she call me when she got back to Laura’s in that it would have been mighty late here.

I thanked them both and told them how much I was looking forward to seeing them again next week at the wedding and was about to run for it when they asked me if there was some reason that I was asking about the Prof. My moment of truth? So (and I admit I did hesitate) I told them that yes, there was a reason but it was a kind of a sad…and there was total silence on the other end of the line.

I then asked them if they were acquainted with him and if so how they had come to know him. They said that they had come to know him a bit but only as a friend of Laura’s and that she was always referring to him as her good friends father and like a second dad to her. I said that this was very hurtful to me in that this man was inappropriately involved with my wife and I was feeling very betrayed now, by not only my wife but by my daughter as well. They said nothing except the usual are you sure and so forth to which I replied yes I am sure. I then thanked them and hung up.

So I go back home and my WW is reading in the living room. I take Jake back out for his last walk and sit down by the bay to smoke a cigar. I’m now thinking that I need to know how long what ever has been going on…has been going on.

When I go back up stairs my WW is in bed so I go to my den and begin to look for cell phone bills. We have only last months and in truth this is the first time I can ever remember looking at one. All of us use Verizon so we can call each other for free so anything else I figure will stick out at me. I begin to look for California area code calls and the only ones on the bill were to or from Laura. But boy were there a sh#t load of calls to and from Bethesda. Bingo! These calls were not to or from my niece’s home in DC. This was a number I didn’t know. So I pocket the bill and head for bed.

This morning at work I called my niece and asked her if Rudy has found out anything about the wife of the Prof. She said she hadn’t and I told her why I was asking. Honestly, I didn’t remember if I had told her anything when I had first asked for her to have Rudy check out the wife of the Prof but I sure as hell told her everything this time. Exposure! Yes! But no editorializing. Just the facts as I new them at that moment.

I wish I could say that she reacted with total shock and surprise but she didn’t. She just said that it was sad but given my WW’s attitude and track record she wasn’t all that surprised. We then chatted, and she asked me if I had any plans. Cheryl is my attorney and even though her specialty is fighting the IRS she is a very sharp and well connected in other areas of the law as well...and her price is right! LOL So we talked money and what I needed to do and how I needed to do it…just in case…as she put it.

Then I decided that there was no sense in putting anything off any longer so I called the Prof’s wife. And did I get an ear full!

The lady was so nice and so sorry. She apologized for not calling me! Are we getting this? It seems our Prof is one busy boy! And she is so sick and tired of having a cheating low-life for a husband (her words not mine) that she has been contemplating divorce for quite a while. Her major problem she admits is her daughter! Daddy can do no wrong and mommy is nothing but a mean, nasty, controlling [censored]…but a rich one as it turns out! LOL.

Cal Davie was suppose to be a new start but as she put it, a new beginning requires an end to what had come before…and the Prof is just a player…all there ever is the lady claims, is more of the same. But in spite of all that they have been trying to work things out…even if only by long distance. So I asked her about the phone number on my cell bill and what a surprise…right?!

Then she tells me that he and my wife have been speaking frequently for quite some time. Many months! According to her, he claims that my wife is his very good friend and a huge emotional support system to him. She’s so very understanding!

The nice lady then apologized for not having ever called me but….yada, yada, yada. And then I tell her that while out west my wife and her husband seemed to have spent an evening together…like the whole evening and breakfast the next day! She was silent for a minute and then said that she kind of expected nothing less and that it was just time for her to move on. We chatted briefly for a while longer and we agreed to stay in touch and so forth…then hung up.

So there I was at about noon calling Verizon and asking for copies of back bills for the last 6 months when my cell phone rings and guess who it is? The daughter of the slime! It seems that she had just been called by her Mom and told that there was no longer any hope and that she was divorcing the Prof.

Well, I tried to listen patiently while she called me every nasty name ever spoken (what is about me lately that is causing people to say these things I wonder), and then asked me why I couldn’t have simply listened to all of them first…wife, DD and her, before calling her mother and convincing her that her father and my wife were having an affair? Didn’t I know how stupid that was and how much damage I had just done to her parents by acting so silly? That there was nothing going on between her dad and my wife except the loving, caring support that friends give to each other and why couldn’t I have just been kind enough to stay out of their business.

And so I told her that I was being as kind as I new how and that I was listening…and that I was so terribly sorry but she just needed to know that her mother hadn’t made her decision based on what I told her…she made her decision based on a life time of hurt and pain which she could no longer accept…to which the young woman replied @ss Hole! And then just hung up.

So I call Cheryl back and ask for a good D Attorney here in Miami…and she gives me the number lickety split and tells me she’s waiting for my call! LOL Am I really so predictable? So easy? Well I make the call and set up the appointment for tomorrow morning and then my cell phone goes off again.

This time it’s my not so DD! She begins by asking me if I realize how much damage I have done and how much pain my paranoia has caused all involved? Did I realize that her friend is hysterical, that my WW is hysterical and that the Prof is hysterical? That I had selfishly damaged all these lives and for what reason? Because of my insecurity and childish fears…and she wanted to know what I was now planning to do to make things right.

And so I told her that it was glaringly obvious to me that she had some how lost her moral compass and that we would need to discuss this again at some later date…at some time and place when she was better able to understand my pain and my hurt.

I told her what I planned to do as of right now was to work to make things right in my own life and let others worry about making their lives right. To which she responded that this was sure going to be interesting…watching me explain how I was making my life right to the Prof …after what I had done to his life…and I responded by telling her that I have nothing to say the Prof, not now or ever and don’t expect to ever see him again…ever…to which she responded that she guesses that I didn’t then intend to be at her wedding! To which I responded that I guess she’s right.

I’m home now but my WW is not. I don’t know where she is nor do I care. When I see her, I will be civil but I will be seeing my attorney in the morning.

Funny, daughter never tried to explain anything to me…and I have yet to hear one word from my WW. And you’all know what? It doesn’t matter anyway.

Coach

Coach,

This whole thing just puzzles me, especially your daughter's behavior and choices. I think you would do well to get out of this. I am wondering if Prof is having an affair with your daughter as well, thus she believes that her mother is not. Man this is strange stuff. I am sure you will get to the bottom of it one of these days.

God Bless,

JL

Hi, JL and Coach,

Quoting JL:
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I am wondering if Prof is having an affair with your daughter as well, thus she believes that her mother is not.
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In my former life, I would have played them both. He used his daughter to facilitate, but she will be surprised at this.

Coach, this is the kind of thing that a player will plan out. Just like your wife getting you under control. Her actions were malicious, and intentional.

Please listen to what you have been counseled to do on this thread. Please get away from your wife. Go to a hotel and sleep safely until you can get a protection order, if that is not what your wife is already doing as I write this.

God bless,
Gimble

Hello Coach,

This does not surprise me or anybody else on this board.
Your family has betrayed you in the worst possible way. I know that you will have a great future without these lying and betraying people around you. All of these months your wife was in contact with the professor is just so sad. She dug her own grave. So be it!