I agree with absolutely everything you have set in motion.

Except... I honestly think you have every right to be able to walk into your daughter's wedding with your head held high. And then the wicked side of me says to bring the OMW as your companion. (hey I already admitted it was wicked)

Coach,

You are doing what coach needs to do! It is beyond what anyone else wants. This is your life and your situation. You get to make the decision on the path your life will now take. And to be honest with you, I am in your corner! I truly hope I would be able to have the courage to do what you are doing. As for the DD, I would expect her to tell her mother not to bother coming.
My daughter saw first hand what my WW wifes decision did to me. If she were to treat me as a selfish little brat I for one would not be at her wedding!
Coach get well and be well for yourself!!!! This is about you and only you! The other players have chosen their path. Follow yours my friend.

My prayers are with you coach!

Is the Prof going to be there? Have you talked to any of your other children? Have any of them voiced their opinions or concerns to their sister, or you?

I think that if you can, you should call a family meeting before things get out of hand.

There is no way her wedding is going to be happy now. I don't know why she still wants to have it at this time.

As for your WW, I have no thoughts. I know how much pain I was in these last days and I am sure it is magnified by 10 in your sitch. Getting up off the floor and putting on a show would be more than I could do.

The betrayal by your daughter, innocent as it may be in her mind has got to be killing you.

I think her sisters to should implore her to postpone it, and maybe her fiance' already is.

And no I don't think your behavior is anything less than what it would be in the case of such magnitude of hurt, and we don't know the family dynamics like you do.

Your mind can't possibly even begin to process this at this time.

Give SH a call, if you can talk out loud to someone about this right now. And then call a meeting with your children to get their views.

The whole family is in crisis at this point and you need to pull together, granted your WW will not be there but she can have her own meeting with the kids.

Coach I talked to SH the other morning and I think it was the best money I ever spent. He did not judge, nor take sides. He knew I still love the guy and he looked at it from all possible angles, without judgement. Please give him a call.

coach:

The only things I have 2 go on here are my own experiences. And right now, I've been feeling this incredible, painful pit in my stomach that my W chooses 2 hang on2 her pitiful "friendship" at the expense of her family's feelings, and my D (who is right, but it didn't help 2 hear) says I need 2 let her mom choose who she wants 2 have as friends and make my own choices accordingly (sounds wise, doesn't it? But it still HURTS that there's no "magic bullet" out there).

The other thing from my own experience is my D's recent wedding. Did you get the Earl for the pic2res I was showing various folks?

Email me if you didn't: **edit**

I'll forever be grateful 2 have been a part of that... ...but RM wasn't 'invited', and I suppose if he had been, I can only hope that I wouldn't have beat him 2 death at the reception.

-ol' 2long

My opinion is that you need to follow your instincts. You have been way through much and you need to start protecting yourself. If that means you don't go to the wedding, then so be it.

Personally, I say take the pooch to a dog park or the beach that day...

Dearest Coach,

Already, in just a few days, you have changed your mind on some pretty important things. Remember that you thought..well, your wife still loved you and you would forgive yet again..stay married...just after she bit you? Now you are filing for D. You will still be going through lots of emotions the next few days.

You still have a couple of days to get yourself calmed and centered. I understand you are hurt...I really do.

I think that you should attend the wedding, walk your DD down the aisle (if she is still ammenable, I believe she would be), (unlikely that Prof and his STBXW will still attend) if Prof is there, you avoid all contact, even eye contact, with him...as if he isn't there. Minimal contact with WW.

Be cordial, stay as long as you are comfortable at the reception...do the photos, first dance with DD etc. whatever traditional things are planned. Then if you must leave a bit early..do so. Don't ruin this day for her...you are still her Dad and you still love her...and you must know that she still loves you. This is her big day...just about the biggest...aside from the birth of her first child. If you don't attend this you may not be involved in their lives for that event either.

I would want you to suck it up. Play act if you must.

Yes, the pain will remain there and even when you look at the wedding photos in the future you feel the triggers. I believe it will be worse for everyone in your family if you, her DAD, isn't there...you can never redo it..or make it up. I believe that both you and your daughter will regret it if you aren't there. It will ultimately cause more pain to you and her not to be there.

It is hard not to feel the pain along with you. The timing of this revelation couldn't have been worse. You are and have been such a strong man. I believe you can do this.

JMHO

Coach,

I agree with almost everything you said, but... attending your D's wedding. I guess it is the Alpha male in me, or it is the father in me, or it is the military training in my life, but I would be D**** if someone else would "give" my D away. I would look that sorry SOB in the eye if he came to the wedding, and just dare him to open his mouth. You are running this show, you are paying for this show, and your daughter needs HER father to be there whether she knows it or not.

When the wedding is over, you don't have to deal with any of them, but I sure as H*** would be there to do my duty and proclaim that this was my child and I reared her, and I will do my DUTY to the end, for when she marries she is NO LONGER your responsibility, you can walk away then.

Coach, I realize this is hard on you, but you have a job to do and it is out here on the left coast in a few weeks. Do your job, honor your role as her father, and honor her even if she does not honor you.

I used this quote on another thread but it is one of my favorites because it is so subtle and yets to gets to the essence of a good and honorable man. It is by Robert E. Lee and it goes
Act with HONOR Coach even if those around you are not.

God Bless,

JL

Coach, I think for the most part, your plan is sound. EXCEPT the part about missing your daughter's wedding. You won't be angry forever, but the damage from missing her wedding will last forever. I think you will dearly regret such a decision in the future. And I know you don't believe your own rationalizations for missing it anyway, so suck it up, my friend, and make plans to attend.

[isn't that horrible when you can't even believe your own bs anymore?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />]

As far as your communications with her, I find it disheartening that your W has placed her in this terrible role as her defender. Perhaps it would be best to tell her that you love her, but would prefer she not speak about it to you. It is between you and your w and should be left that way.

Coach,

After reading JL's post, I wondered... who is going to give your DD away if you are not there?
And... are you going to be ok if she is given away by someone you hate?

I know you feel weak right now, I do too. I am just glad I don't have to be anywhere near my WH dad now... I'd most likely strangle him, and I have the luxury of avoiding him as long as I want.

But you have to make sure you don't come to regret this for the rest of your life.

I'm torn.

On the one hand, Coach is standing for his principles and being a person of few gray areas, I understand that perfectly.

On the other hand, this is his DD's wedding. No take 2 on that. Given that his DD said for him not to come because Prof-fusely revolting will be there.

This is not going to be a happy day either way. A cloud will overshadow this ceremony and it's not Coach's fault. It's WW and Prof-fusely revolting's fault.

If Coach is not comfortable then I say don't go. The poor man has been through H*ll and back several times in the past few days. How the man functions is beyond me.

Coach, give it a few days and see how you feel. A possibility would be going there and stepping into the vestibule right before she goes down the isle. WW would have already been seated and only her attendants will be there. You'll be able to tell her you love her, wish the best for her and that you wanted her to know you were there for her. Give her a kiss and either leave or stand in the back to watch the ceremony. You're there but don't have to pretend during all the nice-ities. It will be just be between you and her.

I don't know in the scheme of all things, a wedding is tops on the list. How many people do stay married to their first? It's rare. My favorite memories of my Dad aren't of him walking me down the isle but the silly stuff we did when I was little. The lessons he taught me about life are with me more than that afternoon...in retrospect, he SHOULDN'T have walked me down the isle!

Coach - Let me first say that you are a talented writer. I hope this does not come across as flipant or light. I do enjoy reading what you write. That certainly does not mean that I, in any way, enjoy your situation or pain. Quite the contrary. I feel very badly for you. I am just tying to compliment you on your writing style.

Anyway, I would like to add my 2 cents advice. I say, wait until the day of or the day before the wedding to see how you feel about going. You know that this stuff is like a rollercoaster, and you may change your mind. Maybe ten times by then. If you want to go - go. If you don't want to go - don't go. That is my advice.

I hope you find peace. And give Jake a hug for me.
Bless you, Coach.

Carnation

Yes, if the wedding happens this would be acceptable.

And I didn't think about who would give her away either, as JL says. Didn't think about that part of it at all. That might be more painful than not going. And it might forever damage your relationship with your daughter.

What a horrible, horrible time for this all to happen.

Coach,

I don't think this is a question of you being comfortable at the wedding. I think it is your JOB to be there, your duty to be there and the rest of them can go pound sand. It is a matter of honor and principle in my simple mind. Do the honorable thing and live up the principles that have guided your life.

God Bless,

JL

Yes! Exactly what my feeble words were trying to say.

Have to agree with JL on this one. The question should be: is it the right thing to do, rather than if it's comfortable. He has a duty that outweighs his comfort level.

Coach

What concerns me right now is you, and what kind of state you're in. Over the last few days, your posts have been full of pain, hurt and a desperate need to exact revenge which I think is very out of character for you. I think your heart is broken and you're thinking out of a place full of rage and hurt. I wish someone was looking out for you right now - one of your daughters, a friend, someone.

And when it comes to the wedding, my overwhelming thought is that I couldn't do it - couldn't get dressed up in a fancy outfit and look controlled in front of all those people, and stand up and make a speech and the whole deal. My fear would be that I'd break down in tears, or that my rage would overwhelm me and I'd start lashing out in public. I don't know if that's your fear or not - but if it is, I do understand.

All I can say is...this too shall pass. That saying has got me through crisis after crisis. It will not always feel this bad, you will be a healed man in time, with all of this behind you. And if you can, try to work out how you would like to look back on yourself. You are, I think, a man of great honour, and I fear that you will struggle with your own self-respect if you act in ways that discredit you now. Your daughter is not behaving well, but that is her issue, not yours. Look deep inside. If not attending her wedding is something you want to do in order to punish her, then I think you will come to regret it, because you are not really a vengeful man. If not attending her wedding is out of the intensity of your grief, and you're really sure of that, then accept that you will have to do something you may not like in yourself later. But if that is the case, then also...get help. Get yourself to a doctor, get pills, get a therapist, get a friend, get a support system in place. Jake is a start, but he's not going to be able to phone for an ambulance, you know?

The timing of all this seems awful, but I suspect that in fact it's almost inevitable. A wedding is a time of great nervous energy and excitement, and for someone who exists on risk as much as your W seems to, such an atmosphere makes for lessened control and a sense of mad power - I suspect she thought she could get away with anything while everyone was in such a state of excitement. She has been letting go of control for months now with her calls to the Pr*ck (Prof is too nice a word), and I suspect she lost sight of reality and felt superhuman. Her shock and rage have been palpable; you are not supposed to have rumbled her according to the mad vision in her head.

But your W is a separate issue. You can separate your life from hers for ever if you want. But you can never separate yourself from a child, no matter how they behave. You're stuck with Laura, and she with you. There is a lot of re-engineering of that relationship required, but it will take time and most certainly will not be sorted by the time of the wedding. Boundaries: whether Laura goes ahead with this wedding is HER issue. Whether her fiance has doubts is HIS issue. Your issue is acting in ways that uphold your inner worth, to the best of your ability.

Coach, I know you're hurting. I'm praying for you.

TogetherAlone

Hi Coach,

For the record, I don't have the proper perspective: I don't have kids. But I wish I did.

And if you weren't at the wedding, perhaps that's where you'd be.

I can't imagine many things more painful than standing on the beach, knowing my daughter's walking down the aisle at that very moment... and I'm not there.

You're a good man who loves his daughter deeply. You'll hate yourself at that moment, won't you?

I also agree with JL...he said it so well, usually does.

Coach, I have not crossed words with you here, as I mostly lurk. But I do believe you might be well served by first deciding what kind of man it is that you want to be.

When I look at the kind of person I want to be, a high priority is to be a good parent. Loyal, supportive and true. I believe it my responsibility to be a good parent regardless of whether my children are being good sons.

If you believe that also, then I don't believe you'll want to miss that wedding. It will be hard, and painful, and your DD might not now or ever appreciate the effort that it takes for you to be there.

But you will know. And you will appreciate yourself for being loyal to your ideals and true to yourself.

So is it a passive-aggressive act for you not to go? No, I don't think so and I have lived with the poster boy for P/A for more than two decades. I think the decision is based in fear and in pain.

Just got back to my place. Still no WW. Wonder if she has yet another “good friend that enjoys her emotional support”…only this one more locally situated. I mean why not…after all, what does a therapist do?…They “therapize” right? LOL And I’m quite sure that she feels that in that she has this great gift for therapizing…it’s her obligation to spread as much therapy around as possible.

I mean I can just hear her now…”darling…they all needed my help…you know that it’s my obligation to help out however and where ever I can…only I have this special brand of therapy after all!” LMAO In fact I’m quite sure that she positive that this is her moral obligation! I’m getting delusional right? LOL I’m giddy. I’m sitting her laughing at my own “black” wit…make that dim wit?

So me and Jake went out to dinner. Place called Prezio…we sit outside so he can come along. Lots of very interesting eye candy…and please don’t anybody give me any ****. There’s nothing wrong with sitting and looking after all…in fact I’m kind of surprised…that I even have any interest. Just goes to show how meager the male attention span tends to be. It makes me wonder about myself. I can just envision me at 95 ….about ready to die…eyes closing for the last time…and me lifting my head to get my last look at some cute nurse’s butt! Can any one imagine? This is what I’m thinking about? There is indeed something very sick about my current mind set. Very sick!

By the way JL, has any one ever told you that you are a huge pain in the butt? Well you are. You’re like a frisky little angel…sitting on my shoulder…whispering in my ear…”coach, oh coach…you know what the right thing to do is…don’t make believe you’re not hearing me coach”…and then whack! A 2 by 4 across the back of my head and your loud voice heralding…”coach are you paying attention?”

Well here’s a flash…I don’t want to do the right thing! I want to be like everybody else and do what ever the **** I please. And for those that think I’ve been vengeful…well guess what…vengeful is what I want to be…But it seems that I’m not any better at doing vengeful then I am doing husband.

I mean what have I done that’s vengeful? I’ve been with holding with my understanding and willingness to sit there and listen to lies and BS? Well excuse me! Or maybe I’m suppose to say, “welcome home darling…hope you and the Prof had a great time…say why don’t you invite him down here to Miami for a few weeks vacation…we have plenty of room in our bed after all.” I mean what do people expect? That I sit around smiling while my darling bride does a 2005 rendition of the “love boat?”

The Prof’s daughter is pissed at me…why?…Her father is a serial cheater and her mother finally decides to say no more and this is my fault? My not so DD thinks I have no business being upset when her mother spends the night with another man and for the sake of keeping family peace I’m suppose to say…Wow honey…hope you had the best time! She’s a freaking shrink for crying out loud! A P*******hd…she’s Doctor DD! I know ‘cause I have the diploma! I paid the damn bill so they sent it to me! I mean what is her story? And I’m supposed to be what? More sensitive about all this $hit….Will some one explain it to me please…so I’ll know too? After all, who am I? Just some dumb mule that writes checks?

JL, ‘splain it to me again OK? Why do I have to be the good one Ha? Why me? When does it get to be some one else’s turn?
Coach

PS. The wedding is in Vermont…not SF. DD is a Bennington under grad. Got her Phd at California School of Shrinkdom. My fault…It’s all my fault! Bennington then to the west coast for grad work in willful, nasty crazy and permissive…why would I expect something other then what I’m getting? Why?