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Speaking for MYSELF , you ARE the COACH that has come across to me on this forum. I haven't seen you as being in the fog. I see you as a MAN OF PRIDE AND HONOR who has been through the FIRE and BACK AGAIN. That's how come I figured that you know what brought on your wife's rageful reaction to you.
To me, your emotional strength and clarity are reflected in your childrens' reaction to all of this....
I think those of us in middle age, who have been through numerous life trials, are in a different place, DIFFERENT place. Life trials including the death of our parents, emancipation of our children, infidelity of our spouses, etc., etc......
HEAD UP, CHEST OUT.... A MAN OF HONOR.....
Last edited by mimi1254; 06/22/05 03:00 PM.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I am with pep, Aussie and others to recommend time. Please, do not make major decisions in your present emotional state.
Having said that, I will point to some wholes in her story, some of which you may not have seen yet:
1)Tuesday night at 9 pm she said she planned the next day off with Donna. This indicates that at this time she had planned to spend the next day with the prof.
2)Wednesday at noon she said she planned to stay the night with Donna. Thus at this time she had planned to stay the night with the prof. Her staying was not the result of a missed train.
3) Has she said anything about where and how she stayed that night? Did she sleep in the guest room of the prof. Or what does she claim?
Se my last post for more unanswered questions.
Thus there seem to be a need for more talk between you.
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Dear Coach!
In a previous post I wrote:
Do your very best to make Laura's wedding as happy as possible. That means that you yourself must be happy then as well! Take command of your thoughts and direct them to focus on the positive! SEE and ENJOY all that is worth to see enjoy in such a day. Make positive memories. This day has the potential to be full of triggers to your own M and the betrayal you have experienced. Do not give them room in your thoughts and hart. That day you leave the sadness back home!
-------------------------------
I will now again turn your attention to the upcoming wedding. For Laura's sake, your family's sake and certainly for your own sake: You should make this into a happy event also for yourself. This is an event you will remember as long as you live. And you will meet plenty of triggers there. Weddings are trigger-ground for BS's! You need to prepare yourself!
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Coach, Well, this is a fine kettle of fish. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Drama and more drama. I have as usual nothing profound to offer, so...I'll offer you somethoughts instead. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> 1. You should be very proud of your Daughters and son. 2. You should take everyone's advice and truely ENJOY the wedding, give the bride away, enjoy your SIL's parents and family and generally be THE MAN. I don't mean fake it, I mean ENJOY it. We are having good weather out here in SF, breath deep and enjoy the pageant. 3. Take your time deciding about your WW. I fully understand how you can forgive her even this early. I also fully understand the issue is whether or not you really want this level of drama in your life ever again. 4. I would strongly recommend that IF you decide to make a go of this marriage that you insist that she seek deep counseling. From what you have said she has destroyed one family for sure (OM#1), as a good start at destroying OM#2's family, and then there is the mess she has made for your family all for her intertainment and love of drama. This suggests to me that no matter what her strong points and attributes are and there seem to be many from what you have said, she is missing the gift of EMPATHY and that particular shortcoming is hurting a whole lot of people. It needs to be addressed. 5. My final thought is for you to take some time and do something you find recreational, something that brings a smile to your face, something that enjoy and do it BEFORE and AFTER the wedding. I would leave WW out of this for the time being, you don't need the drama, nor do you need the tears or the stress. 6. Remember you don't have to be an angel to deserve better treatment than you have received, and you are not compelled to accept the level of disrespect that your W seems to have for you. To her it is a game/play/drama to you it is the very foundation of your life with her. This disconnect is going to take some time to reconnect EVEN if you decide to. Meanwhile go to the wedding, have fun, meet new people, enjoy and be the father your daughter needs even if she doesn't know she wants him. God Bless, JL
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A reminder: the wedding isn't in SF, it is in Vermont.
That was my incorrect assumption which coach already corrected.
I think that OM#2 has done a pretty good job of destroying his own family...according to the OMW...but it was just further aided by coach's WW.
Last edited by Trix; 06/22/05 07:01 PM.
Married 1976
Me:BS
Him:FWS
MB Weekend March 2003
2 S's: '77 & '80, 1 D: '82
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Thanks JL, Trix, Frank...thank you all. I'm leaving for Vermont tomorrow at 6:30 AM. Yuk...nothing like an early flight to get the blood flowing. ( Yeh right!)
So my WW & I sent out a whole lot of mail today...letters that my WW wrote...sent them by e-mail and followed up with hard copy. So she will be traveling with me...my side of the bargian...and tomorrow night when all the children are present, it will be my WW's turn for show and tell, LOL.
I plan to say nothing...in fact, I'm not sure that my presence is required. This is now a matter for my WW and her children.
She has a letter to read, that I edited...and I will see that each of the children have a copy of that letter...and I will ask that they each keep it close to them...not to denigrate their mother but so that they will understand and will remember how even the love of a life time is not enough...without both parties being vigilent...always vigilent...protecting that which is most precious to us all.
And it's in truth, I hope beyond anything...that they can accept this moment for what it needs to be...the proof of a mother's love...tested by her willingness to make herself the example of what can happen when we turn our backs on who we really are...on what happens to us when we fall from grace...allowing ours selves to be less...for a moments thrill...for our willingness to accept "spanish coin" in payment for that which of true value.
As for me, I'm all set to get all duded up...I expect to be hot...LOL...'cause I feel hot. And I will stand beside my wife as we give our daughter away in love and hope...and I will dare to hope that my wife will feel proud to be by my side...but if she isn't...well, this to shall pass.
Coach
PS. Don't know if they'll have a 'puter available up there but if they do I'll check in. You'all be well now.
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Don't even think about computer and us. Go do the right thing. Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.
~ Kinky Friedman
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Coach, enjoy the wedding, and have some cake for us!
Happy b-day Susan! (just noticed the cake thingy thing)
Someone throw me a map already!
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I mean, are you kidding? How could I? Am I crazy or what? She’s sleeping out all over the place with God knows who,…in SF and now in Miami, lying and cheating and she wants to know how I could divorce her? She is behaving in direct abrogation of our covenant…and covenant we both signed and swore to…not just agreed to…but swore too!…She’s been e-mailing and speaking to this slime of a boy friend…a man she knows I despise…3 to 4 times a day…for months…having a secret relationship…involving one of my daughters no less…making her an accomplice…! She says things to me so horrible that I wouldn’t say them to anyone in the whole world…anyone! And she wants to know why I’m divorcing her? Forget the fact that she bit a chunk out of my body…so let’s chalk that up to passion…then she decides to just take off…and she wants to know “how could I?” And yes….this is what I said to her. This is how I answered her. And yes, I did say it in front of Jill…which maybe I shouldn’t have…but come on…I’m couch, not Saint Coach!
....
And so the story comes out. Of course she knows a lot about what I know, ‘cause as soon as I finished speaking with the Prof’s wife, both Laura and the Prof’s daughter called her…why?…To complain about me…to ask why I would do such a thing…to ask why she (my WW) hadn’t explained to me that it was only about her staying to late to get a train home that particular night…and nothing else. And so what was the big deal?
Of course, she never told either of them that this entire relationship (between she & the Prof) constituted a total betrayal of our mutal trust and her relationship with the Prof so inappropriate as to be defined as adultery…that it was a total abrogation of our mutual marriage covenant. Total! So what are these two girls getting from al this…that I am this big jealous dummy…acting out in ways to damage a marriage for no reason other then my insecure feelings…right? But this was wrong as well! Because this relationship had no right to take place no matter what? Because married people don’t have separate lives with members of the opposite sex…as friends or anything else. But how are young people suppose to know that if they aren’t taught by there parents? How?
So now she doesn’t want to face me because she knows the scope of my knowledge…and she knows that it isn’t just about me believing that she was boinking her good pal the Prof…after speaking with Laura and the Prof’s progeny…she new I had been doing some investigation and she was going to have to face all of this with me...all of what I had probably come to know…so she took off! And to her credit, she copped to it1 She admitted it right out loud. She said she ran because she couldn’t face me but couldn’t believe that I hadn’t at least called her to find out where she was. I said nothing! I just sat and listened.
Then she apologized and said that she understood how I felt about her having a little fun with the Prof…but under no circumstances did she ever let him put his hands on her. That what this whole thing was about was her having some fun…flirting and teasing the old roué…and getting off on his sick sense of humor and sexual oriented repartee. That she new it was wrong but it was all just a source of amusement to her and all it was about was goofing and nothing more. She then said strait out that what she did was terrible…and yes they did often enjoy a joke at my expense…but only because I could be so stuffy and in reality the Prof was really quite fond of me! (Oh yippy…that piece of human refuse really likes me…oh joy!) So as she’s speaking I’m getting more and more angry and Jill can see it and so can my wife. Coach - you have just described the mind and soul of a female sex addict - one who will feed her addiction at the expense of her loving husband, her children - even her daughter's pending wedding. She will use people and destroy families to get her "high". Reconcilliation MUST be based on her getting serious treatment for her addiction, because she can and WILL break your heart again and I don't think you've got too many more of these "indiscretions" left in you. Bless you for softening your heart enough to hear your family on the timing and everything; but keep the walls up. Your wife is playing you as any addict will to keep from really getting into recovery. BTW, this kind of addiction is the hardest to treat - I suggest you research Patrick Carnes.
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Coach,
You and your family are in my prayers. I am sure you will look fabulous!!!
FWW (me)34
BS 36
EA lasted 3 months
First D-Day: 3/7/04
Second D-Day with total truth: 4/13/04
NC established: 4/14/04
In recovery and doing wonderful!
The light shines through the darkenss; and the darkness can never extinguish it.
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Coach,
Have a great time! I'm so happy for you that your kids came thru. Enjoy the walk down the aisle and the dance with "Daddy's Little Girl". It sounds like you're getting a good SIL too.
aka-confused42
BS-45 me
WH-42
DS-14 & DD-12
together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs
"I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04
D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06
5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06
Recovery finally began Jan 2007
We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
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Coach - are you in SoCal?
I wanna buy you a beer!
Congratulations on raising what sounds like the finest children a man could have!!
FAR
foundareason
D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!!
A Treasure!!
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and lets not forget B2M…how about it? Give me your truth…not my truth but your truth. Thanks :-) ...As I hoped you'd take my words as they were - My "Truth"... (I'd rather call it Just My Thinking after reading some lines though...) And, as I expected, you needed our opinions, not simple Confort, for you are strong enough without some smothering... which is a temporary relief, but the long-term one is - being aleways aware of our strong and weak points... Because my truth is that I’m just not the man I want to be right now and any kind of truth is better then just not knowing who that man should be. Don't worry, half of my life I spent being the woman I didn't want to be :-), but I'm getting better in that... just accepting me the way I really am... sometimes selfish sometimes childlish sometimes insecure inclusive ;-), and it never helped me to close my eyes looking at myself... (Btw, I'm glad there are some 'unselfish' people here ;-) & would like to meet them, for I know None being Unselfish free ;-) However, dear Coach, going to the wedding is the right decision, and I do hope you will make other decisions right as well. All the best, with all my heart. PS: Look, the worst mistake in the world is for people to judge her…my darling WW, as if she is an easy make…no guy other then myself (I believe) has ever called the tune with her (some job I’m doing…right?)..... It looks only you and I think the same here?
I'm not Belonging to Nowhere anymore! :-)
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Hoping that you are doing okay.
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Coach,
SOOOOOOO....??? How was the wedding, Vermont, etc??
k
CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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Bump.
When Pep said to be a mystery right now, I don't think that was about posting to the board. How are things?
Loy
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Hey Coach, How r u doing? U didn't go with the newlyweds on their honeymoon, did ya?!??!? My dad threatened to do just that. Gotta love dads. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> L.
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Has anyone heard from Coach? I just hope he's okay...
FWW (me)34
BS 36
EA lasted 3 months
First D-Day: 3/7/04
Second D-Day with total truth: 4/13/04
NC established: 4/14/04
In recovery and doing wonderful!
The light shines through the darkenss; and the darkness can never extinguish it.
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Well, let's just BUMP this sucker up again and see what's up with Coach.
Maybe he is still up in Vermont, taking an extended holiday.
k
CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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Hope she didn't bite his head off!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle
You believe easily what you hope for ernestly
Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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