Okay, I know most of you will probably tell me it's too soon to actually be dating since I'm only 7 months post DV as of next week (16 months since XH moved out).

I put my profile on an internet service (sort of inspired, I think, by enjoying the attention of the too-young carpet guy recently who called again today to see if the stain stuff he dropped off to me worked okay. Darn that he's so young! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />).

So, I felt sort of guilty last night for putting the profile up, because there's still part of me who feels like I'm somehow cheating on my XH, or that maybe God wants me to keep waiting to see if he'll miraculously do a 180 and quit drinking, drop his fiancee, and come back. While I still care very much about his wellbeing and want him to turn his life around for his good, and I do say prayers that God will keep working in his heart, I'm not sure I'd really ever want him back or trust that he'd changed. I haven't talked to him in quite a while now, and I'm even finding that several days may go by without my thinking about him.

Okay, back to the topic at hand. So I'm not a paying customer on this site yet, so of course all I can do is see who has showed interest in me and read their emails, but I can't respond.

Should I become a paying customer? Should I respond? I've had several people show interest, 3 have emailed today, and one I actually find interesting enough to email back. But should I? Or am I making a big mistake?

Too early? Too emotionally screwed up? Too nervous? Ugh! Such a dilemma!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

BTW: This date prospect is at least not a decade or so younger than me. He's 45. Has a younger child. And in his email, he said "Not sure what caused your divorce but it's never easy. My ex-wife left me for an old boyfriend..." (hmmm..understands damage of affairs?) His son attends a Christian school. They attend a big church in the area. And not sure what his current profession is but he's a former chef (I LOOOVE good food!).

So...should I?? Or shouldn't I???

Everyone should (IMO). Nothing to lose, much to gain. Is not a committment, is just human interaction. A great book about the issues/benefits of dating (and the questions you ask) is by Dr. Clouds, How to find a date worth keeping (I think, have to check later to see if I mixed up with some other title). But I will say the feelings you express concerning your ex are troublesome..you cannot really go forward (except in the most casual level) with "dating", until you have decided irrevocably you would not return to exspouse under any circumstances. Until one "knows" that, we are emotionally dangerous to other people who may become romantically attracted to us. But this is not a problem in casual dating (no expectation of possible committment), just means one must stop dating anyone who expresses more interest, because we are simply not emotionally available. Unfortuneately many people are not honest enough to admit this to others, or even themself sometimes, but it is imporant to figure out, your life will not be your own until you do.

Well, I'll jump in here, since I just happened to stop by. But please see what the other folks say too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I say go for it.

I was scared to death to get out there and start dating. I tried match.com, and found what you are finding. It was kindof exciting and intriguing. I kept telling myself to be light-hearted (not to take anything serious), and just see what would happen. I was scared of everything: who I would meet, would anyone be interested, what would we talk about, how do we go about it (e-mail, phone, meet, etc), what kind of men were on there, etc. But once I stuck my toes in, I put my feet in, then the rest followed pretty easily. I enjoyed the attention, the e-mails back and forth, and the dates. Some of it was VERY frustrating (not hearing from them, etc.), but I learned a lot, and gained a lot of confidence from the experience. And... met a wonderful man that I have dated for 2 and 1/2 years now.

hehe.. it was kinda funny. I had gone through several prospects, and things kinda fizzled. I had decided to cancel my membership, but before doing so, I sent out about 5-6 e-mails to some interesting prospects ... just ONE last time. It was Halloween. hehe. I heard back from a couple of them, and one was my "catch". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Only YOU know if you're ready. Don't decide "not" to do it if you're just waiting for your XH, in my opinion. I think you should get out there and enjoy life. Nuthin wrong with that. Just be cautious and smart, and I think you'll enjoy yourself.

Faith1

Don't wait for ex Husband. 7 months divorced is not to early to start a little dating and see what happens. You are single so there is no moral problem. If you don't like it, just hide your profile and take a break.

Go for it! Even if you just correspond by email with some people you'll gain some practice in the art of being social with the opposite sex again. Plus, you sound happy in describing the experiences you've had so far.

I ditto the thoughts about your ex. Be certain you are over him & don't want him back. I hear some of that in your words & it also sounds like you're "being a good Christian", please, I mean no offence, in praying for God to work on his heart. If that means you're asking him/her to work on your ex's heart so he will return to you, not good. If, on the other hand, you're asking for the heart work so your ex can be a better, happier, more giving, & open man, then that sounds like a good thing.

Nams,



Okay...better clarify here. Not since months before I filed for DV (so like a year now) have I asked God to put sticks, stones, thorns, and whatever other painful things into XH's and OW's relationship so that he'd come back to me. I think in a way, while it would be weird at first, I'm wishing she'd hurry up and get DV so that the two of them could be married. That way, I'd no longer have that "Am I supposed to be waiting?" feeling any longer.

No, my prayers are basically that somehow God will work in his heart (and in the OW's heart as well) so that he will turn back to God and put his faith where it needs to be, and quit destroying his life with booze and drugs and stupidity. No matter what he's done, it's hard to watch someone who had such potential just waste away, and I fear for his eternity. That's what I pray about.

As for my feelings for XH, I can't just shut down and hate him after being with him for 23 years. Heck, I don't even hate OW#1 (13 years ago) or OW#2, his fiancee. I feel pity, but don't hate them. In fact, I can't really think of a single soul I hate. But it is not a peaceful, comfortable feeling when I think of what I might feel like if he left her and wanted to come back. It's more of a feeling that I'd be obligated in God's eyes to give him another try if he was sincere, and I don't ever want to go through the kind of pain he's put me through (with the affairs and with the years of drinking, anger, porn, etc.) ever again. It's just that until he's married (and they seem to be in no hurry), I feel like maybe I'm supposed to wait because God wants me to--not necessarily because I want to.

And then there's that school of thought that it takes like 1 year for each 4 or 5 you were together to heal. Well, if you count our dating and our married years, that'd be something like 4-6 years of healing necessary before I should be out dating again. And I'm thinking of doing it after 7 months?? I don't harbor anger toward XH. I can talk to people about him, and actually talk about good things that happened in our past. I can converse with the OW without making a scene (unless she starts it, and then I've blown a few times). So I'm not really sure how another 4-5 years will benefit me in this healing process.

Sure, there are still triggers from time to time that leave me feeling sort of weird. Today, I was driving back over a stretch of road I don't drive often anymore, but one that he and I used to take frequently to his friends' house. It brought back some memories. And there was a particular Chicago song on the radio on the way down that I had to turn off, because it was one we had sung at our wedding. I didn't let it ruin my day. But I think I'll probably have triggers to an extent for years.

Knight, I hope this clarifies, as the concerns you expressed to me were similar to Nams.

Faith1,



Ditto!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> If I pay and join this site (which happes to be match.com), I have no idea how to even respond or what to say in an email back to this guy.

But like a 40-yr-old never-married friend/business associate who after a long dry spell is now dating someone from eharmony said to me a couple days ago, "LL, I spent years not doing anything about it. And then one day I realized no one is going to just come knocking at my door."

So I'm trying to be brave. I'm trying to get a life. It's scary for someone lacking self-confidence. But I don't know any way to meet people outside of the internet right now.

JE,

Hide... Uh, yeah. I'm good at it. Between work and home and being a very anonymous shopper, I pretty much stay below the radar everywhere. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I guess if I join and then get chicken, you're right, I can hide on-line, too.

Okay, here goes. I'm going to log on to the dating service and sign up for 3 months. (Picture LL, walking to the edge of the cliff...and stepping off.)

As for my feelings for XH, I can't just shut down and hate him after being with him for 23 years. Heck, I don't even hate OW#1 (13 years ago) or OW#2, his fiancee. I feel pity, but don't hate them. In fact, I can't really think of a single soul I hate. But it is not a peaceful, comfortable feeling when I think of what I might feel like if he left her and wanted to come back. It's more of a feeling that I'd be obligated in God's eyes to give him another try if he was sincere,and I don't ever want to go through the kind of pain he's put me through (with the affairs and with the years of drinking, anger, porn, etc.) ever again. It's just that until he's married (and they seem to be in no hurry), I feel like maybe I'm supposed to wait because God wants me to--not necessarily because I want to.

Is this a feeling or your understanding of Scripture? I understand, because I felt the same way. It is not unusual for Christians (who happen to temperamentally be peoplepleasers) to "feel" this way. It is usually not a good idea to make important decisions based on feelings unless our "head" agrees. Which also explains why so many marriages fail, when entered cause "felt" right, though head was saying, I'm not so sure about all this. You sound a lttle stuck LL, my suggestion is you study Scripture (unless you allready know for sure) and talk with learned Christian mentors, about divorce. I did so, and found it is clear, divorce is divorce, God clearly recognizes divorce equally as much as recognizes marital committment, which is why He so strongly opposes divorce I suppose. By recognizing divorce though, He is telling us that state does free us from committment. In fact, there is Scripture we cannot remarry the exspouse if they are with someone after us. Perhaps that is why you kinda hope your exh remarries this woman. Since God doesn't specify marriage ceremonies, just intent to be one with another, I wonder if your exh isn't allready "married" so to speak, since they are engaged (I think you said fiance?).

That's one point. But the main point is you LL. Not about shutting down feelings, denying feelings is usually a bad thing, understanding and processing feelings is what we shoot for. You are doing this by decideing to date anyways, that is good, feelings change with actions over time. As you date, your life dynamic starts changeing (you are no longer hiding), and so will your feelings. Your feelings of "waiting" aren't changeing very fast, because you are "waiting". About the "obligated" that is trickier. You must look hard at yourself and determine whether you are "convicted" to wait by God, "tempted" to wait (by the deciever using what works on you), or just dithering about because LL is afraid, shy, etc. No one can tell you if you are convicted or not, you have to figure that out, but it seems unlikely given what you have said about your sitch. The main thing that jumps out at me, is you saying if "he is sincere" by tying your choices to his life, you are saying LL has no control over her own life, is this a recurring theme in how you do things? Meaning not what LL wants, but percieveing what others want from LL and then acting to meet their expectations? Your H left, you are divorced, it is your life LL, apply what you have learned, grow in maturity/knowledge, and God-willing (place Him in the center of your dating), amd live your life with a safe healthy man.

If perchance your H supposedly changed, and asked for a date. Make the same decsion to do so that your would with any other man who had a similar history and temperament, that is how you avoid being sucked into a life of rebound co-dependenctcy. I suspect you would never have dated someone like your H, if you know what you know about life now. If that is true, that is the path you walk to clear yourself out of this bramble bush of thorny emotions. It is fine to recognize history, have good feelings, wish him well, etc. Being married to him again is another matter alltogether, has nothing to do with him, has to be about YOU. I suggest as you date, avoid men with addictive and suspect pasts, people rarely change much, and you are old enough now to be dating people who have track records, something we don't have in out youth. So look hard at how people have lived last 20 years, and make that part of how you choose. You got one more (pretty much) chance at doing this right, it is worth working hard at, not just repeating the same pattern.

Really? Could you tell me Chapter and Verse, please <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BTW, LL, I think you should go out with the carpet guy... at least once <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jeremiah 3:1

Deuteronomy 24:1

I agree!

Having a Grande' Latte with a gentleman (from what you have told us) is not time wasted...

Call/go see him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You have a WHOLE life ahead of you...

Go LIVE it...

WNB

LL

I, too, want you to go to coffee with the carpet guy. He sounds very nice, and what harm can it do?

cm

Guys/gals, I have no idea how to ask a guy out, nor if he likes coffee...and, uh, I'm just really scared and I'll freeze up and make a horses you-know-what out of myself if I try. Heck, I don't even know if he's showing interest or just being a really helpful salesman because he wants me to come back and spend more $ there someday.

But apparently he hasn't forgotten me yet. He called yesterday afternoon just to ask how the carpet stain remover worked for the dog barf. I mentioned that he needed to have a separate bill sent for it since it's not on the bills I've paid for the carpet (and it wasn't cheap!) and he told me not to worry about it.

So, I got a good carpet deal, good conversation, free stuff, and lots of personal service. I don't want to make him uncomfortable if he's just being nice and wreck all that. (But it was fun to hear his voice again yesterday, when I thought we were all done.)

He's TOOOOOOO darned young!!

(PS..I joined the dating service and did respond to two guys. Now I'm all nervous and scared...) Can you say "basket case"??!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Can't help you with the age issue, but with you being 39 (I think?) and him being o/a 28...I don't view that as EXCESSIVE...but that is your call.

Would I date a 32 year old woman...yup. As long as we were mutually attractive to each other and could talk openly...

Best wishes to you, no matter what you choose to do...

WNB

He is not just being nice!!!!!! He is showing interest and hoping to get some reciprocation. A good apporoach would be to ask if you can thank him for all his help by buying him a cup of coffee. You said you didn't know if he drinks coffee. Well, if he isn't interested in you, he will say "thanks, but I dont drink coffee" and leave it at that. If he IS intersted, he will say "thanks, that sound great", and will order something different or suck it up.

Guys, am I right?

cm

Confused ex, guess I should have said with less authority on that one. I was repeating something I have heard several times about Christian marital doctrine. I don't recall the basis, been quite a while, and was not an issue for me. But now I wonder again, will try to search...if you are interested suggest you do the same, it is definitely out there, I am sure of that much.

I thought I gave the answer ???

Btw Knight,



Yes, this is exactly why. That way, I would no longer fight that feeling of waiting out of obligation.

I'm a new testament person, but I believe it applies now just as it did before Jesus' day. There's nothing I found in the NT that says it's not still applicable.

here is what I found confused

Deuteronomy 24:1-4 tells of a situation where a man married a woman and then divorced her. This woman then married another man. The Scriptures go on to state that if the second marriage ends by her husband writing “...her a certificate of divorce ...OR if the latter husband dies…” (Deuteronomy 24:3,4), she could not remarry the first man she divorced because she had already married someone else. Therefore, if our spouse dies, or if we were divorced, we can get married again. Divorce and death are equal before God. The only stipulation in this Scripture is that if this is the second marriage, we cannot go back to the first spouse and remarry them because we married someone else after we divorced them.

ya know, it kinda makes sense really. If you divorce someone you should be done, divorce should not be done capriciously (nor marriage), yet people often marry and divorce for very immature, or dysfunctional reasons. Still, I guess there is an opportunity for reconcilliation, long as both have not married another. But if someone is done enough to divorce, and remarry, and then divorces again, guess God says there is no going back. That means be darn sure you know what you are doing, cause if you give up your spouse, you will never be able to have them back again. Makes sense secularly too, people screwed up enuf to be serial marriers, are probably not good marital partners, seems God is trying to protect us from such dysfunctional people...in other words, not only can't you go back, but you shouldn't want to either.

My understanding of that passage in Deuteronomy (to which the passage in Jeremiah alludes) is that it is about inheritance rights. The Mosaic law had multiple provisions for preventing land from passing permanently out of families, and this is one of them. (That's the reason for language such as "sin upon the land" and "defiling" the land.) I confess that I don't remember the details (it's been a while since I've studied this), but personally I don't believe that this aspect of the Mosaic law has any relevance to Christians today.