It's been a long time coming, but I just don't care about her anymore.

Yesterday, STBXW invited me to go to dinner with SD and I, which seemed OK at the time. Today, as the time to go with them drew near, I realized I did NOT want to see her at ALL.

We did wind up going to dinner and I felt very awkward the whole time...indifferent if you will...

STBXW and talked over coffe later and I asked her "If you could have ANYTHING at NO emotional cost, what would you REALLY want?" (Thanks Coach!) STBXW has NO clue...she is awash on a sea of guilt and I cannot wait around to see whether she comes out in worse or better shape. I told her of my trepidation about dinner and that I would have cancelled if it hadn't been for SD...that seemed to upset her a fair bit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I did tell STBXW that, with her mixed messages (Yes I do/no I don't regret the A's), I don't know what she means and what is truthful...STBXW she understood my position.

We won't be "hanging out" any more. Are we in NC? I don't think so, but I did go talk to her for a few hours...to mourn together the loss of what we BOTH admit, was a wonderful M.

I just don't get it...how the thought of me dating and me telling her that my apathy for her is growing can bring her to tears, but she cannot commit to remain faithful in our M. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I am so sad, but I really do know that it is the right thing to do.

I told her that if she came out of her year with her "integrity" intact and her own self well-defined, I'd like to hear from her.

Make no mistake, I am not waiting for her...once I feel I can jump in the dating pool (after D is final, of course), I will.

I am VERY leery of getting attached to the first woman in my life after STBXW, so I can see that I will REALLY need to keep my emotional guard up...not defensive, but not asking a lady to marry me after three dates either...

Ouch! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

I will really miss the wife I thought I had, but I will not miss the woman my wife really is at this moment in time.

WNB

"I will really miss the wife I thought I had, but I will not miss the woman my wife really is at this moment in time."

This is exactly how I feel about my WH. I miss the man I married so much but I have to continue to remind myself that he is no longer that person. And when I do see him I no longer see 'him' either. I think that is what haunts me and causes me the greatest source of pain.

I agree...thinkingabout what I THOUGHT we had pre-D-Day is what hurts the worst.

But it was all a lie...

STBXW had had three A's, one almost-A in 2001, was in the acitve planning stages of A #4 AND (to try and push me away) had almost A#5 a month ago.

STBXW has this "belief" that she "is the way she is" and can't change. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Still doesn't think she has a (primarily binge) drinking problem...we talked about that last night how she runs to booze when times are tough...her answer was that everybody does it and named three of her friends (one is a real sleaze-bag). What an anecdote. I told her it isn't healthy to do that and let it go...not my worry anymore.

She is in IC...making progress?...only time will tell.

I cannot wait for her, knowing that she COULD do (go off the drunken/alcoholic deep end while remote for a year) OR get more help and spend some time THINKING about what she REALLY wants out of life.

I will not wait to find out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

I just noticed your D-Day was TWO days after mine!!! Ouch!

It was aobut 4:40 p.m. on Friday 11 March when I heard the words "I was hoping you'd never find out". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

That weekend in March was not a good one for either of us.

We'll make it...just gotta keep "moving". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Isn't it AMAZING what a simple dinner can do?? Remeber my post last week where my WH took me to dinner and I had the same feelings you had..I didn't want to go..I went..and I realized I had nothing to say, I felt nothing towards him...I too felt awkward - Why should we feel that way??? Did they feel akward???

Why did she ask you to dinner??? Is this her way to slowly work back into having a M???

I will really miss the wife I thought I had, but I will not miss the woman my wife really is at this moment in time.


Yep - I too really miss my H, the man I "thought" he was..the M I "thought" we had..I really don't like the man he truly is..This is not my idea of a H..

So - WNB your going to file for the D before she leaves??? That may be best for you - and when she returns there is no reason why if you both change your minds that you can't DATE each other..Maybe a year away will change her for the good..Maybe she'll start to regret her A's..

Hugs

I don't even know when my true D-day was...I know that I had strong suspicion of his A's about 2 years ago..Then last Feb. the PI I hired got photos and confirmed my suspicions..I was SHOCKED when he told me the MOW name, address, etc. This MOW was hidden very well. She wasn't even a "suspect" at the time..

I had suspicions of 5 DIFFERENT WOMEN..Since he was having multiple A's at the same time - it was tough to narrow it all down..

I did confront him with hard proof on March 20th..

So when is my D-day???? or doesn't it really matter anymore??

I talked to her about that...we had already picked a law firm to handle the "paperwork" as everything was already divided.

In my state, you only have to live apart for six months (with the intent of divorcing) you can then file and 2 - 3 months after that, we're single.

I told her I wanted the Separation Agreement done before she left in Aug with a separation date of 09 Apr (the date she moved out) as our "start" date). She never really intended to work on the M in hindsight, so my conscience is clear WRT the six months apart requirement.

I'll request that it be filed in Ocotber and by December I should be single again...

I think she already regrets a LOT...she was crying a lot and it wasn't bothering me nearly as much as it used to, but she is really feeling what she did...she even said so.

I told her that she gotta put down that "burden of guilt" at some point and LEARN from her past behavior...she is SO unsure of herself at this point, but she is VERY untrusting of people, so perhaps that can help keep her on the straight and narrow.

The rub with her coming back right now is that she is NOT coming back here...she's going to, more than likely, be on the other side of the country...

If she's interested in reconciliation, she's got to reach OUT and SHOW that is what she wants...I will not move acroos the country, upset my new life only to have D-Day happen AGAIN.

She could always request to come back here, but that would require a REAL sacrifice that she is (IMHO) incapable of making at this point.

SD leaves for STBXW's sister's next Sunday (Father's Day)...I just don't know how to handle that...I'll talk to IC about it tomorrow...I am going to miss her, but my hands are tied.

I just don't know...

How are things with you? SSDD?

WNB

More signposts...STBXW is in major "life" disarray...arrangements for SD with her sister, military re-assignment issues, work issues and IC therapy issues.

I don't know what the right answer is, but I knew she was upset, I called her and let her vent, which she did thank me for more than once.

SHould I be meeting those needs?..I don't know, but I did have a real awareness while she was talking that SHE BROUGHT THIS ALL ON HERSELF...a moment of clarity, if you will.

I will listen, but there is nothing I can (or will) do to help her with these issues...I will listen...that's it.

STBXW seemed to think that letting SD drive by herself on a learner's permit was a good idea...not thinking that the insurance company may refute the claim of ANY accident that SD may cause. Her and her sister were "discussing" that (sister was against it)...I didn't offer my thoughts until STBXW asked for it (bad idea IMHO). She then said "well, maybe my thinking about this is wrong."

STBXW is getting some "pushback" from her sister...NO KIDDING. Sister is being put WAY out because D-Day and STBXW's concurrent unwillingness to make the M work, so STBXW has lost my support and now Sis is filling in because of SD ONLY...she's pretty hot at STBXW right now (she's keeping it to herself for the moment)...rightfully so.

I had also talked to STBXW a few days ago about taking them to dinner Saturday night (SD's last night before leaving)...she was very amenable to that.

Well, during our talking last night, she brings up a BBQ for a friends birthday that her and SD were going to on Saturday night! I asked her if that meant our dinner was off the table...she had forgotten about it! The going-away dinner for me and SD...the man who took care of her the LAST time she went remote and had THREE A's <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

She starts crying and apologizes for being so insensitive and said she'd talk with SD to see of she wanted to do lunch or dinner or what.

My feelings are hurt, but i am strong...consider me dark to them through the weekend. I am not contacting them or bringing up this dinner/BBQ debacle. It's STBXW's mess to fix...if she even puts for th the effort. I am up for it, but she MUST approach me...

We'll see...

Dating is sounding better and better each day (not until I am D'ed though!). STBXW SEEMS to be headed for a crash and I don't need to be around for that...I hope I am wrong.

WNB

Minor updates...

I leave for vacation on Thursday for two weeks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

One thing I WILL not be thinking of is STBXW...I am "leaving" her here and I'll "pick her up" when I get back. I am REALLY looking forward to this!

SD, STBXW and I went to lunch...no big deal, I gave SD ALL of my contact info and I have hers also...we'll see what happens with her as time passes.

I saw "Along came Polly" this weekend..for those that have seen it...remember the scene where Ben Stiller's dad talks to the actor friend and Ben Stiller character has that epiphany and tells his cheating wife that he's not intereseted in reconciliation?

She asks why and he says, "YOu cheated on me on our HONEYMOON! What kind of a cold-hearted b!tch would do that?"

It confirmed my course of actions because it made me think; "You cheated on me THREE times while you were remote while I was taking care of YOUR child! What kind of a cold-hearted b!tch does that?"

I am really souring on EVER reconciling, especially in light of poor Coach's plight in GQII. Even if STBXW gets her "poop in a group" over the next year and things POSSIBLY work out...do I need another D-Day suprise in seven years?

STBXW STILL can't even promise behave (for her own good) while she is over there

"I'll try and we'll see what happens"

Lame excuse for not holding ehrself accountable to herself.

Now isn't the time, but I am going to press her...HARD for her to change her name back.

I just want to be done with her NOW!

A buddy of mine told me the best way to get over an ex-wife is to FIND SOMEBODY ELSE!

I have until Nov/Dec (final D date will be in that timeframe) to get my own "mental" house in order and I am already looking forward to getting back to CAREFULLY look for the REAL and FINAL Mrs WNB.

WNB

WOW- 2 weeks

Can I ask where you are headed???

It confirmed my course of actions because it made me think; "You cheated on me THREE times while you were remote while I was taking care of YOUR child! What kind of a cold-hearted b!tch does that?"

You called - only a cold-hearted b!tch does that....while she was cheating she was definately a cold-hearted b&tch..selfish, self-centered,etc..Nothing mattered but HER NEEDS...BUT...You and I know that..remember we were wayward once..we know nothing mattered but US and the OP...

We've changed we aren't all about ourselves anymore SO we expect others to have/share those same values..we need to accept that NOT everyone even someone we loved can change or have our same values..Maybe, the next time around but for me not this time..and maybe not this time for you either..
I am really souring on EVER reconciling, Even if STBXW gets her "poop in a group" over the next year and things POSSIBLY work out...do I need another D-Day suprise in seven years?

Yep - I'm there too..They need to committ to themselves and us that they are changed..there is no way in He## they would ever cheat again..I guess some here at MB have "seen the light" others never will..There was guy on GQII - I don't recall his name - but from his post you could see he would NEVER cheat again..He was truly remorseful..This whole crap w/one day good, 2 bad days, etc. is crazy..They get a wake-call for a day then they hit the snooze button again and it's like all the BS fault over and over again..

"I'll try and we'll see what happens"

Oh gez isn't that a great attitude..I'll try.... what???? It isn't a trying thing...Your either in a committed M or your not....HELLO....Maybe you need to tell her you'll try not to met someone while she's gone for a year - but, you can't promise that..Hey, a man has needs..give her alittle of her own medicine...

A buddy of mine told me the best way to get over an ex-wife is to FIND SOMEBODY ELSE!

Well, my A said something similar..that once I get a social life I won't care what STBXH (yikes, first time I wrote that)..does..

FINAL Mrs WNB.
Well, I truly thought this was my spouse for life this was it..he was finally "the one"...and I guess he is in a way since I'll NEVER get M again...glad you still have hopes...

Hugs and a have a GREAT vacation..you deserve it..

The great Northwest...Oregon/Washington! It'll be damp, but it won't be here!!!

I am sure you have heard that the WORST anti-smokers are former smokers? Well, it's the case with me...a virulent anti-infidelity stance from one who has been there...on BOTH side of the ball. Looking back on that time while I was SO "FOGGY", I am thoroughly disgusted with my behavior at that time. That being said, I am apologizing FACE-TO-FACE to my first wife for the HORRIBLE things I did to her and our family. No excuses...must make GENUINE amends...

I think you're referring to Cruz...he's reaching the end of his rope as well...everybody's tolerance for $h!t are at difference levels.

I do believe STBXW feels bad, but it isn't enough to STOP HER!!!!! I will never understand her reasoning..."I thought I could get away with it". Not even considering the exposure to potential STD's she gave me. I am rather lucky in that regard! Close call!!

Even with my almost-A of las tmonth, she said that I should have because of the guilt she has for what she did...now that I am "reformed"...no SF until the D papers are in my hand! That is REALLY going to suck, but for my own MORAL clarity, it's an absolute necessity.

I have seen what a good M should be...unfortunately there were some WARTS there. I want what STBXW and I had, but with REAL HONESTY and fatihfulness. I will be looking CAREFULLY!!!

I refuse to believe that a majority of women are like her...all men aren't like your STBXH. I cook, clean, carry shopping bags, no wham/bam/thank you ma'am/ not fat or lazy.

I am very opinionated which can be a problem at times! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Thanks...I'll be lookin' fer ya when I git back... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Take care,

WNB