I have read much of the material here and it has been somewhat helpful.

I am writing this in a state of distress and I realize I won't receive a sympathetic audience here. The past few years of life have been a train wreck and now I am afraid I am about to ruin the lives of those around me. I need help.

For the past 2 years I have been having an affair with another woman. It was a despicable and selfish thing to do. My reasons match every cliche you have ever heard. the affair destroyed my work, my health, and my own moral self. I lost control and felt deeply in love.

My wife doesn't know.

Recently my wife and have been talking about how to improve our marriage, to get back to where we were before. We made love for the first time in years. We became better friends. All in all, it was a small improvement.

We have a young daughter not yet two years old who I love more than my own life. I have been spending more time with her and we have bonded. She loves her dad.

Whatever fog I had has lifted and I but last night ended the affair. I did fall in love with her and like every other adulterer will say, I promised to be with her. She is devastated. I have no doubt in my mind that she will make this as nasty a break up as she can.

For 3 years I have been trying to come to understand my problems. It has taken me 5 months to finally have the courage to end this other relationship, to try and be happy with the relationship I have, and be a great father to my daughter. I have made progress and my family is feeling the results.

I cannot over emphasize my realization of my wrong. My concern now is for my wife and child. How do I tell my wife? I prefer to keep the pain and shame of my actions to myself. I believe the lady will tell my wife.

How do I do this? I feel death would be easier than what everyone will go through. Please help.

As a Bs I can tell you, honesty as soon as possible is your best alternative. Be honest, be sincere, take responisbility and then take what comes your way. Your W will go through the gamet of emotions. The first 3 weeks I was going to D my H, there was no other way and I was READY! After many sincere talks with H after about 2 weeks, I decided to postpone D, then ultimately try to heal my M. I can't promise you she'll forgive you, but you have no choice now. If your M is ever to heal properly honesty is the only way to go, even w/o the threat of her finding out. Be strong, it's a long hard road.

PS You are protecting no one but yourself by keeping this secret, don't "spin" your motivations. Your W deserves the truth and you never know with continued honesty she may love you more for it in the end. Best wishes!

I went for a long walk at 2am this morning, when I returned home I woke her early and told her. I don't think I have ever cried like that in my life.

She is by everyone's measure a wonderful person and deserves better than me. I wish I could have seen what I see now before I stepped on this slippery slope two years ago. When people told me that I was very fortunate to have the family I have I never believed them - I just focused on my own selfish needs.

She has not said what she wants yet but I will fight very hard to regain her trust and respect.

Thank you for replying.

You need to get your handle on the MB material on recovering from an affair. THere are specific steps to take that will have the best chance of recovery. It will not be easy for either of you, but it *can* be done.

But don't wait. Get yourself educated. Get some therapy lined up for the both of you. Get yourself a good selection of reading material from this site on what you need to do.

Don't wallow in self-pity, get up and take some positive steps to help recover this R before it disintegrates.

The process you are talkng about is called disclosure and it is very important how it is handled. If I were you I would set up time to go to a counselor and talk to them. I know that might be tough, but in the long run it will be best. Explain that you need to disclose to your wife the affair and you would like to do it during a counseling session. They can set it up from there.