I'm new here, just found the site today. Reading some of your posts made me realize that you may have some good thoughts to share with me.
I apologize for the length, however since it is my first post I feel I need to get my history out there. I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 7. 2 months into our marriage I found out (not from him) that he had been renting porn movies on some of our friends accounts. This had been going on since before our wedding completely unbeknownst to me. I know many people find it normal & healthy to view such things, but I am not one of them and had been lead to believe my husband felt the same way.

On our first anniversary he announced to me at dinner that contrary to what he had told me, he had been sexually active before we met, unlike myself who waited for marriage. It was the lying about it, not the fact itself, that was hurtful especially since I would have requested that he have some tests done before our wedding, it really did so much damage to the trust factor in our relationship. These things, in addition to various lies I uncovered over the next few years, resulted in some less than ideal intimacy issues on my part. Every time things would start to get better and begin to move on, I would find out he was hiding something else from me. It always seems to result in returning to square one as far as trust, respect and desire go (on my part). I've become very suspicious and untrusting which I don't enjoy but suspicions keep being confirmed so it's not just my imagination.

This week I found out he had joined a subcription to a hardcore site that would require a monthly fee (this is a new step) and was sharing the password with a recently separated buddy of his. I found the files of what he'd been looking at and was horrified. I, amazingly calmly I must add, confronted him about this. He had nothing to say at first, but after 8 hours of him avoiding it I finally convinced him we had to talk about it. He seemed most upset that I had found him out, said it was an addiction and that was pretty much it. I asked him if our relationship was important enough to him to stop but he said he doesn't know what to do. He also mentioned that it's a toss up on whether or not he'd be happier single. By the end of our conversation I was still upset but felt that he still loves me, although I still slept on the couch.

Well, he left for a camping trip this weekend and through an odd course of events which I won't get into (this is long enough!) I found that he had an ad placed on an 'adult friend' site. Not only was I hurt and shocked, but the tone of it really upset me. It's not the man I know. His subject line was 'fun & fu#$able', and he said he was looking for a discreet relationship, just someone to sleep with from time to time. Honestly I'm not sure when the ad was placed or if anything has come from it, but the desire was there and that alone is so hurtful. He'll be home tonight & I'm trying to decide how to handle it. Even if he hasn't had sex w/anyone else - isn't what he's done still a form of unfaithfulness?? How am I supposed to ever believe anything he says?

I'm so sorry this is so long, I'll try to be more brief in the future. I think I just needed to do a bit of venting. My heart goes out to all of you, I know there are far worse situations then mine.
Thank you all

Dear Alicat,

first of all, no, you are not crazy!
Welcome to MB, although its a shame that you are here.

I hope that you can find some advice and help in what must be an extremely difficult situation.

I think it is very important that you do talk to your H about these things. The way in which you talk to him about it is also very important. Have you read all of the information on this site?

Have you read on this site about PLan A? It is basically not LBing, trying to fill Ens. I think it is really important that you wait to talk about this until a time when you can do it very calmly without DJs. If you don't know what they are, please look it up on the site. Better still, buy or borrow a copy of His Needs, her Needs and Love busters.

You need to let him know just how upset you are by his behaviour, and just how important it is to you. Please take some time to think about your boundaries and your bottom line - ie what you are or are not willing to accept in regards to his porn use. Also, a potentially bigger problem as you pointed out is his conflict avoidance and dishonesty.

Ideally, you can try to get to a point where you can decide on a plan of action together. I know that sounds far off to you but if you are patient and persistent it can be an achievable goal.

Is he dissatisfied with SF within your M? Does he think he has a porn addiction? Is he willing to also read info on this site and do MC? Some of these things might be part of the answer, but it will certainly take time and discussions to sort it out, which may be difficult if he continues to avoid and deny problems. It may take incredible patience from you to keep at Plan A until he is able to face these issues.

Please keep posting.
((((alicat))))

Just to ad I might want him to be ck'd for std's -in case he has done something wrong with someone. I would be very afraid of what he is or trying to do. This business of the ad is very bad and I would be very concerned in this day and age.