Hi everyone.
I NEED HELP NOW!
Ive been in a relationship with a man for 7 yr and had planned to marry. He has two children from a previous marriage and I have 2. His children live in another state and come to visit him for the summer. He is with my children everyday and they have come to know him as their second dad.
Our relationship has been difficult because of finances. We have not been able to marry due mainly to his financial difficulties.
The strain has been great, but in late Feb of this year, we restated our committment to this relationship.
The emotions were very high at that time.
He had planned a trip to visit his parents and children over Spring Break and asked that my children and I come along. AGain, finances are very tight, but I agreed and managed to come up with the money for the trip.
It wasnt long after that he began to become distant.
His intolerance became obvious during that trip.
Shortly thereafter, in the beginning of April, he announced to me that he was no longer 'in love' with me but will alway love me and the relationship was over.
I was in shock! I tried to talk, reason and rationalize with him and he wouldnt budge.
I asked if there was another woman (which I had noticed this behavior in him once before which involved another woman) and he said NO. And quickly pointed to my behavior (s) as the reason for his decision.
He would disappear sometimes for the entire weekend and turn off his phone so I couldnt reach him. This from a man who could barely afford his rent, never had the money to go anywhere with me., let alone out to dinner, and now is going away for the weekend which sometimes goes over into the beginning of the wk, causing him to miss work.
His reason was to seek God.
I immediately sought out a counselor whom I found in the phone book - BIG MISTAKE! Before the appointment I gave the counselor a run down of what was happening and she said she would be able to help.
He agreed to go and I set the appt.
This woman chewed me up and spit me out, leaving me shaking like a leaf and solidifying his reason for ending the relationship.
I was so distraut, when we left the meeting and got in the car, I cried. Instead of him consoling me, he continued where the counselor left off. Of course my reaction was to protect myself, which again he announced as his reason for ending the relationship.
I felt helpless. I sought out another counselor, a Pastor, who has been very helpful in my coping with this new agenda. However, COPING is not what is needed.
I asked that he talk with my counselor and he agreed. He told her that there was no other woman and that our problems are due to my behavior and that it was over.
The counselor felt that he came in to see her with the intention of restating to her what he told me, so she could pass the message on. Because of this she did not ask if he wanted to come back.
Shortly thereafter, he called informing me that our cell phone bill was over the limit and to cut back on the calls.
I found this hard to believe since we were always way below our alloted usage.
I went to his house and noticed the bill. There I saw a substantial amount of calls made to another state. He tried to hide a portion of the bill from me, but it was too late.
I asked about the calls and he said it was just a friend. It was obvious that this was a lie. These calls began shortly after we restated his committment to me and our relationship, continued and grew through our trip to visit his family and this is where we are at. This explained a lot about his change in behavior.
If he wanted our relationship to be over, why would he lie??? Why wouldnt he just tell me? That wouldve made his break much easier.
Anyway, since his announcement of our breakup his behavior has changed 180 degrees. He has become distant, rude, inconsiderate. My children are at a loss and have been very hurt by his behavior as he continues to disappoint them.
He still refuses to admit to the 'affair' and blame me for our demise.
His children finally arrived for their visit. Immediately on their arrival, he told his children that he and I were no longer seeing each other because 'we dont get along'.
His children did not know what to say. Then he announced to them that he had a new girlfriend.
The next day they called me and wanted to see me. They were confused about what was happening and didnt like it. They said that we are a family and families dont just stop being a family. They said I am like their 2nd mom and asked me to do what I can to fix things.
I tried to explain to them that it is true that we dont get along right now but that is because of the recent circumstances. But as far as what is going on, I am just as confused as they are, but I told them I would do my best.
A meeting with my counselor was then requested by 'him' to help the children get through the summer. He continued to state that our relationship was over, but that he didnt want the kids to struggle.
The counselor told him that to think they wouldnt is not realistic, but kids are resilient. She also suggested that he be more considerate and responsible towards my children.
And because of the hurt, that it would be best to discontinue contact with me.
I didnt like to hear her encourage him to continue on with his agenda.
Because he has no one else to discuss this with, other than this new woman' it is important that she point out some things and get him to open up.
AGain, her focus is to cope.
AS much as I thought that meeting was a waste of time, later that evening he called me and appeared to have a normal tone in his voice., not the rude tone that has come into our lives recently.
He even came over, brought the kids some candy and greeted them as he did for the past 7 yrs. Obviously, the meeting had a great effect on him.
I was so pleased and hope was restored.
Unfortunately, this return was short lived. It wasnt the following day that he returned to his new rude inconsiderate self.
I was able to discuss with him briefly what is going on and he basically said he had a need to 'escape'. That his personally problems has snowballed and he cannot get out from under them. He suggested that when he sees me, I am a reminder of the problems. He refused to discuss it further and he doesnt not want to analyze for wants to be analyzed.
He knew that we could not marry until he got a handle on his financial situation. He has not been able to do that and it has worsened. It appears to me that he is reacting and doing the only thing he can do. He cant marry me, so he will be without me.
So often I had told him that if he needed to separate to take care of his situation, that I would be waiting for him.
The life we were living was difficult as we couldnt do anything or go anywhere. To me it was worth the sacrifice of being without him temporarily than to not be able to join our lives.
I still dont understand the woman.
Our situation was difficult, but there depth of our love was tremendous. AT the time, I knew that he wanted to find another relationship that didnt require from him what ours did, but I knew that love was still there.
It has been over 2 months now and he has not severed the relationship with the new woman. He has withdrawn from us and will continue to keep this agenda as long as nothing else is done.
It was suggested by my counselor for me to be attractive to him, however this is impossible since he continues to cause hurt upon my children and it doesnt role off their back as easy as mine. She asked that I pray and give it to God.
Because of the constant hurt, my kids and I have basically followed his lead and maintained a distance. I feel that I have allowed him to continue on this path by not doing anything. In fact, he has caused a great deal of hurt, but he isnt here to see it. I am the one dealing with it. He causes the hurt and turns his back to all of it.
If I walk away, it will surely die.
I told my counselor that we needed a different approach.
Since he has no one else to talk to, other than this new woman and he appeared to be receptive to her words, if she would consider sitting down with him again. She said yes. I asked him if he would consider sitting with her, and he said he would consider it. But nothing has happened. AGain, she explained that this is something he has to see himself. My point is that he has justified his actions and believes this is all that he could do...to start a new with another.
He needs help., we need help!
Coping with the status quo is wrong. I NEED to do something. Time is slipping by if it isnt already too late!
I am afraid to call on another counselor. I am thankful for this site as this explained a lot to me that hasnt been clear up to now.
Because this woman is not nearby, this will not allow a clear picture of the woman being his future. HOwever, because she is not nearby and I am, theres an advantage there.
Any HELP will be greatly appreciated.
