Any contact with WH is strange. We've had a little bit more conversation since graduation but not a lot. During our dinner together last week, we discussed that our local brew-pub, WH's home-away-from-home-away-from-home, was to have a charity dog wash today. We've taken our dogs other dog washes last summer and sorta talked about it for today. Last night, WH even sent me a text message about it.

This morning dawned cold and rainy. WH called around 10:30 to see if we should still do it. Since even on a hot, sunny day our dogs take ages to dry, neither of us was too keen on having them washed today, no matter how good the cause.

Out of habit, I asked him what he was going to do today. Characteristically, he skirted the issue and mumbled how the weather had messed things up. Uncharacteristically, I just shutup. There was a pregnant pause that nobody jumped in to fill. This is the point where a normal human would offer up something else up like going to a movie or to the mall. WH is obviously not normal or there's always the nagging feeling that he just doesn't want to be with us/me. He had no alternative plan and I didn't offer anything up either. After a quiet bit of time, I just said, "Well, you know where we're at. You can call us. Bye."

This is a strange place for me to be. Part of me wants us to have plans so WH can spend time with our family. Another part feels that WH can take some initiative if he wants to be a part of this family. Correction: if he wants to be with me since many times we've been together and he hasn't even talked to the kids and hasn't done any activities with them.

Why am I questioning my actions? A lot of MB stuff seems to go against our instincts. In the past, I would jump in and try to organize things for today. My instincts would be to lay the groundwork for us to be one big, 'happy' family today. To try to bring us together and have a plan. Today, I just went very quiet and let him try to bring things together. Which of course, he didn't. And, I haven't heard from him since.

Am I on the right course?

How long have you been in plan A and how long do you think you s/b in it?

L.

I've been Plan A-ing since before D-day in November. WH started the A while away and it continues. For nearly 5 weeks from late April, no one in this family spoke to or saw him. I'm dealing with a man who has shut himself away from everything except work and OW. Didn't even call his mother until late on Mother's Day. Our DS graduated HS in late May. I had intended to go into Plan B after that. However, during a session with SH, he advised Plan A-ing a bit longer. During this period, the goal is to have WH have a session with SH. WH is open to this but hasn't made an appointment yet. The next couple of days should determine whether he does or not.

I feel like Plan A has not been very affective with WH. My detachment has had a greater impact. I'm hoping that talking to someone like SH will provide some clarity. I'm willing to wait until at least one session has happened to move on.


Does any of that make sense?

Yes, it does make sense in a BS way. It is sad how we must rely on others to help your own spouses. But that is because they are NOT our spouses at present but a WS.

Hope Steve can help. What you need to realize is that plan A is for you and is used to remove you from the blame picture. Once you have made all your changes and the WS is still a WS, then plan B is usually the next plan of action. Steve does know best.

Mine talked to Steve for 1 session, then claimed he didn't like Steve. The WS' reason was that Steve acted as if he 'knew too much'. LOL!!! Of course Steve could see right through him. Steve asked pointed questions and would bring the WS back on track each time. The WS has a hard time fooling Steve.

Don't expect too much from your WS'1st session with Steve.... at least not immediately. It takes a while for the MB stuff to sink into their brains. It has to penetrate a thick later of WS fat. LOL!!!

Alienheads! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

It is still worth the session. Whether my xws/H will admit it or not, that session we had was worth every penny.

L.

I totally agree with Orchid's posts to you.

I would also recommend that you take the lead in scheduling the Steve Harley appt. for him.

This is as much or more for your benefit as his and the marriage. As Orchid has indicated, this session will provide you with important information about your WH and what steps YOU need to take for your own life.

Ask him what time periods would work for him this week. Let him know to be specific so you won't be charged for a missed session.

Making this sort of arrangement is more crucial than arranging what to do for a family day at this point.

Don't wait on an ALIENHEAD SPOUSE to do something this important.

I have been nudging him along to make an appointment. Yesterday, all he could say was "you just gave me the number on Thursday!" The hours for phone counseling work so much better for him than normal ones and that helps. WH needs to process to the point he can make the appointment. But believe me, I'll subtly be on his tail about this.

My Plan A is much better since I've become less emotionally entangled. My house is cleaner. My garden absolutely gorgeous. I have an eye on the future. WH has noticed this.

I am resisting planning anything of a family nature. I try not to ask for any special favors or help. When the kids and I are at my family's reunion next week, I'm going to have a neighbor take care of the dogs not WH. For some reason, it seems important to me to let WH be the one who reaches out. He knows there are softball games for DD but hasn't asked when they are. He knows we are considering his family's reunion but hasn't asked our plans. I'm tired of being the social director.

Is it so crazy to make WH come to us? I just tell him "you know where we are."

Hi, grapegirl.

I'm sorry that I haven't keep up closely with your situation, but I wanted to reply to this briefly;

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Is it so crazy to make WH come to us? I just tell him "you know where we are."
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That is not crazy, in fact, depending on the situation, it is the right thing to do.

Desperate, controlling, grabby or needy behavior will actually push a spouse further away. If you have had a tendency toward any of those in the past, then you should just make an offer for him to attend a family function, but not ask him if he will attend. Make sure that you do whatever you had planned, whether or not he shows up.

"Hi, hubby. The kids and I are going to a family reunion up at Dad's this weekend. You are invited. If you would like to ride up with us, just show up before 10:00, that is when we are leaving. See ya."

Instead of the "you know where we are.", consider substituting "We would love to see you". The later is less accusatory.

God bless,
Gimble