Hello all, first time poster and would like some opinions, ways to cope, whatever you can tell me. (this is a bit long, please bear with me). Here is the deal: husband and I have been together 10 years, lived together 7.5 years, married 2.5. In 1999 after feeling unhappy & confused about the relationship for many many months, I left - truth was I had a huge crush on someone else who I thought was the perfect guy for me (this was NOT the cause of unhappiness). Quickly got into that relationship, which lasted 6 weeks until I ran into ex (now husband) & we decided to get back together. Problem is I lied about my short relationship with the crush- Said we didn't have sex. Thought bf couldn't handle it if he knew. I know now that was his info to deal with, but at the time I withheld. I finally told the truth 1 1/2 years ago (after we got married) after being badgered & verbally abused over it quite often. Husband states TODAY that I cheated on him and I am "a promiscuous slut, a lying whore". He wants a divorce. I believe this is an angry outburst & he is not going thru with any divorce of me. I don't have any idea what to do or say at this point. I know I am the one who lied to begin with, but it's 6 years later. We seeked counseling twice and never had this issue resolved. Friends who know the deal tell me he needs to get over it. While husband has issues that do not help this (ie. addictions, angry outburst, disrespectful judgements)I'm not sure at this point what I am supposed to say about it - I mean I did lie, but at this point - ??. The moment husband & I reconciled 6 years ago I realized he was the one and I've not given him any reason to distrust me. He, on the other hand, uses bad behavior and hurt towards me as justification for my actions 6 years ago. Any reactions, words of wisdom, been thru something similar?? Thanks!

I would just say that possibly H is using this against you to justify his own bad behavior. My H suffers from addiction also and has been clean for 6 years, but these "guilt trip" behaviors can still creep up. If you have sincerely apologized and taken responsibility for your lies, you've done all you can. If H threatens D again, don't buy into it. Let him know you love him, you know he's the "one", but he has to make his own decisions. If this is really how he feels he can leave or let it die. If this is just a tactic to avoid his owns issues (probably) then you can at least keep the focus on the real problem and not keep having the same argument over and over. Tell him your sorry, let him know that if he wants to talk about it calmly, you will be honest in answering his questions, but you cannot continually be badgered for something you did 6 years ago.

My H had an A that ended 10 months ago and on the rare occassions we talk about it I may get some new piece of info, it always sends me into a tale spin of emotion and I sometimes yell and get angry. I don't badger him, but it HURTS and in that moment I want him to KNOW it. I realize I can't continue this way and I'm trying, but after 6 years I would think that you've given him every detail he could want, (if you haven't, you should) so that he can process it, feel the emotion and move through it. Good luck to you both!

I just reread your post and realized that he's only known for a year and a half. I would still give you the same advice, but I have heard that it takes 2 or 3 years to get over something like this (on a good day), so be patient. He still should not be threatening D if that is NOT what he wants, but the pain will take a while to go away, if ever. Stay on this site and read lal you can about MB and things you can do to help your relationship. Even though you were separated at the time of this other relationship, the pain for your then bf, now H has to feel the same. A betrayal is a betrayal and he got married under false pretenses. Allow him to talk, but the badgering will tear you two apart.

As I see it there are two big issue's here:

1. You allowed your husband to marry you under false pretenses and continued the lie for over 4 years. And your explanation to us is riddled with justifications and rationalizations rather than ownership for your behaviour. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's what I read. I'm not justifying any of his actions because many of them are obviously inappropiate, however some of them may be a reaction to you.

2. If he is an addict then he does not have the ability to process emotion especially emotions that bring pain and hurt. So rather than properly deal with his issue and others I'm sure, he uses to suspend his emotion. In reality if he's been using since you told him, then this undealt with issue seems like you just told him today instead of over a year ago.

Unfortunately, I don't have any real advice for dealing with something like this with an addict. I can only suggest that you take full accountability of your actions regardless of his role in things. If he doesn't choose sobriety, this will likely fester throughout his addiction.

I have another take on this. She was not married at the time, therefore, she did not cheat. What I would say to him is ask if this is going to be a life sentence? He cannot bring this up anytime there is an arguement. That is controlling and abusive. I NEVER BRING UP MY H's AFFAIR and we are married. Ask him if he can forgive you. If he cannot, then that is that. If he can, then he needs to put it in the past.

Sorry guy, IMHO, she was not married, therefore no adultery. Living together is not the same as married, he should have married her before if he wanted an exclusive relationship. No vow, no cheating.

I don't think anyone accused her of cheating. She did lie about a relationship for over 4 years. She lied about it before they married and continued to lie after they were married. What the lie was about is actually pretty insignifigant, it's the fact that she did lie. And sure, she could simply ask for whatever, but if he is an addict then that really doesn't matter because he can't process it anyway.....

Thank you all for your responses and input. I have told H the truth (basically anything he wants to know) about the other guy - it is the sex I admitted to only 1 1/2 years ago (he said he knew all along anyway) - he says this is what he can't get over. I believe b/c of his problems with addiction, depression & growing up in an alcoholic family, he can not deal with any difficult issues that arise in his life. He does not seek support or counseling or therapy unless I find us a counselor, then he goes maybe twice and basically jeopardizes the entire session with angry venting. Anytime life gets scary for him, he goes ballistic and wants to re-hash what I did in every biting detail (which I barely remember), calling me names and hurting me with words. I also want to add that I overheard him telling a friend that I gave him genital warts b/c I had unprotected sex with this other guy. This is a lie he has made up and is telling his friends - about his own wife, sad. He is adding his own made-up version of events - and he believes it! I own up to everything. Over-all I believe H has major issues of his own that he evades and is unable to deal with and therefore brings this up time and time again b/c it's the one thing he can express his feelings of anger over to his #1 target-me. He does not realize that he is going to lose me if he keeps it up, but oh yeah he is divorcing me for "cheating" 3 years before we were even married. So, I have told him all there is to tell, it's 6 years later and he still puts me through the ringer for it. That is why I have no idea what to say to him at this point - except move out-. He does not drop it EVER. When I try to talk rationally with him and explain that maybe he has many things on his plate right now and those are the things he needs to deal with, it gets nowhere, b/c he is so blinded by anger, judgements & defense mechanisms he can't think realistically or rationally or even sanely it seems to me. Thanks again for listening and giving me advice.