Quick update,

D-day was Jan 30th, tried to work it out with WW, but she never tried. Blamed my behavior for not trying, had contact with OM again, after promising NC on June 3rd at after work social.

Decided to divorce her, I no longer trust or believe in her.

We have decided to wait until July 15th to start the process. During that time we will try and live a normal life so that our daughter can have a fun summer with both parents.

Wife has agreed to shared parenting and will not seek any financial support from me. I will pay for health care and we will share all other costs that come up.

My attorney believes that I would never win custody of my daughter, because Ohio law doesn't recognize an affair as a reason to lose custody. We're both good parents, but my wife went out a lot, and I did most of the parenting during the affair (ie take her to the doctor, pick her up after work, take off if she was sick, watch her while my wife went out, etc). My wife was also was diagnosed with an STD during the affair. She claims the affair was an EA, but that seems unlikely. She says I gave it to her from 18 year ago encounter during college.

Also, we were in the process of adopting a second child internationally. We had already paid over 5 thousand dollars, when the affair started and my wife gave up on the adoption. (one of the signs something was wrong/going on).

Am I thinking of my daughter's best interest if I fight for custody or am I just thinking of myself? For the most part, I think it is best for her to see both of us as often as possible and for us to get along. My daughter adores both of us, and my wife is not a horrible person or mother. She wasn't at her best during the affair, but she still wasn't a monster. Not often at least.

What can or should I be seeking. I'd just like to get some opinions. I'm still in shock over my marriage ending and the affair. I thought I might seek some ideas from some people who have been there.

thanks in advance.

If you ahve already paid most of the adoption fees, cant you still get the child?

As far as custody battles for you D...do whatever is BEST for the child...The court will do what is in the best interest of the child also...dont fight for custody just out of spite...your D needs her mother as awful as she was to YOU, she is still your D mother...we have to put our differeneces aside as far as teh A goes and think of our children...

My H is the WORST out there...but he is still my kids' father and I cannot and will not keep them from him...He has actually become a BETTER father now that we are going thru the divorce...funny how that happens <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I don't think I can do it on my own. We applied as a family, so the change would require a new home study, etc . . .

At one time, during my anger stage, I thought about sueing the OM and my wife for damages. Since than, I guess I decided that I didn't see any point in it and just wanted to move on.

I agree about not keeping my daughter from my wife, I'm only talking about having custody and giving her liberal visitation. There is some question about having someone raise your child who would be willing to behave so immoral, not just once, but again with the second contact.

Still, I guess I need to take a deep breath and try and stay focused on my daughter and her needs.

Any general suggestions or input about going through a divorce after an affair?

It's very hard to get to that point and it could take you months...just stay focused on YOU and your DD...not on your wife...what she does is not in your best interest right now...

I have completely removed myself from my H's life...He has CHOSEN it, not me...I am doing what is BEST for my boys...I have come to the realization that yes, they will eventually have to meet the OW, but I cannot control that...they can make their own decisions for themselves...I have told them many times that I will always love them and will NEVER leave them...I am their mother and no one else can take my place...They love ME and they will make their own decisions about the OW...

Eventually you will get to a place where it is actually pretty hysterical the things the WS does...or at least in my case it is...It took me a long time! and a lot of bumps...but I had to get there myself...I am finally moving on...I am finally happy about where I am...what I am going to do and about my future...I can see myself without my H and as a single mother...We do much better without the daily chaos in our home...We have a blast at times...

When my boys are with their dad, I dont worry about what they are doing! He has his life, I ahve mine...HE has not accepted this yet, but he will have to eventually...It is hard for the WS to accept what they have done once the reality sets in...But you have to remember...it was THEIR choice...not yours! HTH

It's pretty early in the process for me. I'm still in love with my wife, but I just realized that I can't keep living with someone who I no longer trust or who doesn't have my and our families best interest at heart.

I think I will always obsess over the fact she never told me the details of her affair, and I hope that by moving on with my life that I will be able to put most of this behind me.

Right now my wife is in California with her parents and our daughter on vacation. I guess it gives me some time to think without worrying what she is or isn't doing.

I would take your lawyers advice. If you don't think your getting the "real deal" from your lawyer then get a second opinion.

If your state is a no-fault divorce state (which it sounds like it is) you probably do have a difficult battle in trying to get custody. Custody battles are also tough on children so make sure you think this through carefully. In my experience right and wrong, moral and immoral, don't have any bearing in divorce court.

Good luck,

Miker