Please dont beat me up, I need help restoring my ex's marriage, but to do that, I have to tell you my story...

8 years ago I had an affair and ultimately ended up leaving my H for the OM. I wanted to restore our marriage but a month after revealing my affair, he took up with a much younger woman and was unwilling to reconcile.

Now he is married with two children to this younger woman, and she and I are good friends although we live far apart. My Ex is steamed at her for developing a friendship with me. She says everything she does is judged by how I used to do things, and that he just resents the fact that I am gone. He would not have anything to do with me at all except that we have a child together. I had thought at one time that we were past it all, as we have attended family functions together, and been just fine in each others presence, but I suppose its just been festering all this time.

It is making her life miserable, and that of our child as well. He hasn;t changed any, the habits that drove me away are about to drive her away as well, except that she is young, uneducated and with two young babies, she feels trapped.

I am married to the OM now, and when we married was when my ex got riled up, until then he seemed fine, even though he already had married and two children.

Can anyone recommend what I can or should/shouldn't do to help make amends? Should I write a letter to him? My friend doesn't know what will help, she says he is very mean to her.

Thanks in advance for any advice, and I'll take whatever beating you dish out, that was a long time ago and I'm sorry for what i did. I just want to make amends if I can.

Should I write? single choice
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Votes accepted starting: 06/13/05 01:03 PM
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It's not your job to save their marriage...if you EX is being mean to his new wife because of YOU, he has some issues to get past for himself...it sounds like he is still bitter about what you did, but instead of working on the marriage WITH YOU, he chose to find someone new right away...he cant blame YOU for that...that was his choice, just as it was YOURS to have the A...

I dont suggest you do anything to try to save his marriage...he needs to learn how to deal with things NOW the way they are NOW since you have a child together...Dont write the letter! JMHO

What was your husband's advice?

Then take yourself out of the equation and stop interfering in their relationship. You gave up all rights to have any influence in his life when you decided to have an affair. His M is not your concern, leave them alone.

Your friendship with your ex's wife is what is hurting their relationship. Leave them alone.

JMHO.

p's m,

I'm guessing that what he's feeling now is resentment, not love.

That's OK. He has something to resent. But in dealing with it (to whatever degree that might be appropriate), you need to make sure not to give him more to resent. Interfering between him and his 2nd wife is likely to be resented.

If you want to write to him, I think you should not venture to comment on his relationship with his 2nd wife, but instead simply reiterate your appologies for the past - and emphasise your joint roles as parents - while showing him as much respect as possible.

Anything you say or write to him to the effect that your long-ago affair is a result (even partially) of his treatment of you, is, in my opinion, also likely to be resented. I think what he probably wants is respect.

So, if you write, you should :
1) Compliment him on what a fine husband and father he is and was.
2) Applogize (again) for what you did to him. Tell him that he didn't deserve to be treated the way you treated him.
3) Commit to continue supporting his role as father by showing respect to him in the presence of the child you have in common.

If you can't do that, maybe it's best to leave it alone.

And just in case you have the guts to do some soul-searching here, you might find that you are more interested in assuaging your guilt by being the "good guy" than really trying to "help him". After all, if he's "happy", then you can think that what you did was "all for the best".

Just my opinion.

-AD

First off, she should be ashamed of herself for gossiping about her H to the Xwife who betrayed him. That is a gross betrayal of his trust. It is no one else's business and this disloyal practice will do more to harm her marriage than his "resentment."

I would butt out and tell her she shouldn't be gossiping about her H like an old harpie. Shame on her!

Hi, Pete's Mom

You have done enough damage with the affair. Regardless of your husbands actions that contributed to the condition of the marriage, your choices are your own, and he has ZERO part in them.

Step one; recognize that you have no more say in your EX-husbands life.

Step two; Get the hell away from him and his new family. You ARE interfering. Stop. Don't tell his wife, why, how or anything. Simply stop communicating with her.

Why do you think you have the right to do any further damage to this man? Leave him alone, and go on with your life. His problems are no longer your concern. Period.

All the best,
Gimble

I LOVE this WAT.

Perfect reponse.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Her H needs to know that his wife is backbiting him to his Xwife. He has a right to know he is being betrayed in such a low down, cowardly way.

AMEN, Gimble! This is scandalous that these 2 women are engaging in backbiting behind his back. If my H did this with my XH, he would be out on the curb.

Butt out.

Floating around on the perimeter of your ex's life, getting together with his wife so the two of you can run him down... that's awful. Cut that out. This friendship is an act of open hostility towards your ex.

You say your XH is resentful. Probably true. It sounds as if he's tried to take shortcuts around his suffering, and he's finding out you can't take shortcuts. Long-supressed feelings, part of a too-abbreviated grieving process, are affecting his life. But it's waaaaay out of line for you to come down on him for that.

It doesn't sound like anything you're doing resembles making amends. Sounds more like sabotage.

I am sorry if I missed something. I guess you want to do the right thing. But I can't imagine what possessed you to befriend his wife.

GC

What does your new husband thank about all of this P's M... or does he even know it's going on?

Leave your ex alone. You've hurt him enough.

Cruz

My advice is to LEAVE him ALONE. You've already done enough to him. You need to worry about YOUR marriage, and let him worry about his. Move on with your life, that part is OVER.

Have you told your current husband about your over-whelming need to meddle in your ex's business? Wonder what HIS reaction was.

Yes, I've told my husband, and my counselor. H says, by all means, talk to him. Counselor says, you couldn't fix him when you were married to him, you can't fix him now.

I did n't leave him for another man, I left for me. Yes, I had an affair, yes I ended up with the OM, but I left an abusive, controlling relationship after a long struggle, and I had hoped to help prevent more heartbreak. Bad idea, from the sounds of it.

I don't call her, btw, she's the one that calls me, talks to me. We get along for the sake of the kids, and kind of thought it would be nice if he could too. Apparently not and apparently that is a sublimely stupid idea.

By all accounts, butting out is the best thing to do, he can rot in his own misery and take the new wife and kids with him.

Thanks for the candor.

"I didn't leave him for another man, I left for me."

Yeah, right. Will there ever be even one WW that does not justify adultery this way?

I guess a forum like this was a really bad idea to come to for advice. I should have figured that alot of bitter people would be here, ready to spew venom at the first likely target.

Silly me, I thought I would find suggestions for making amends from people who would know what would help ease the pain.

Perhaps none of you are interested in forgiveness, to me or your troubled spouses. No wonder you're here.

Pete's Mum,

Maybe you were offended by what some of the posters wrote.. this is a public forum, there is no censorship, and you will always get a cross-section of opinions. It is important to take from it what you need and leave the rest.



PM, this is exactly the advice that was given. That the best way for you to help ease the pain would be to leave them to their M, because they are adults and have the capability to solve their problems. IMO your 'helping'them to fix their M issues is disrespectful, because it is based on the assumption that they are not able to fix their issues themselves.



These statements are hugely disrespectful judgements.
Maybe you were angry and insulted yourself. In that case there are ways to express it. This statement is very insulting IMO.

Also, if you are interested in the reason we are here, it is to learn and to improve our Ms and to recover from the emotional shock and pain of betrayal, both as the betrayer and the betrayed.

Many people here are in great pain. IMO it is insensitive to minimise the pain your A caused your H. Regardless of the state of you M, As are not healthy reactions.

They cause enormous pain and suffering, well above and beyond the pain that would have been caused by your simply leaving a bad M.

Very well said, Smur.

that is EXACTLY what I am trying to do,"faithful"

Do not sinful people like me feel pain as well?


"smur" how did anyone's post help in the pain of my betrayal?

So far I am batting zero here. Try to make amends and get spanked for my efforts.