I've read this site over and over and I am very impressed with what people have said. I'm in the process of reading His Needs Her Needs and I've been discussing it with my girlfriend. I need some help though. My girlfriend and I have only been together a few months, but we've confirmed that we will get married in the future. We're extremely honest and open with each other and we've embraced each other's faults with each other's love. My concern is that she is extremely emotionally sensitive. Slight remarks causes her to believe that it would be better if she wasn't in my life and has constant thoughts of breaking up with me. We both know that we are meant to be together because of the strides of changes we have made for each other. I'm a very open and honest guy and I love talking freely with her and I have a problem with condemnation toward myself also. But I fear that I will say one thing that will cause her to leave forever, when that's not the case. How can a person be open and honest if the person recieving what they ask for, can't handle it? She can't stand seeing me in pain and I feel pain, but I might have to start hiding it from her thinking that she will break up with me. I don't want to do that, but I need other options. I appreciate your help and recommendations. God bless...

To be frank, I think you overestimate the strength of your relationship, if in the courtship phase, where it's practically impossible to do anything wrong, you're already contemplating what you're going to have to hide.

And what exactly do you think it will accomplish? It will sit there and fester and ooze, and make you angry and bitter, and then it will spew forth and you'll be married, and have much bigger issues to contend with.

Take *all* of MB, and apply it to your relationship. POJA. RH (which directly addresses what you're talking abotu doing). LB's, etc. Get a handle on this *before* you get yourself into a situation that it is difficult to get out of.

I would encourage you to get some *good* pre-marital counseling, perhaps from a church teaching MB, or any one of a number of other sources.

If your relationship is so tenuous that you're living in fear that saying one wrong thing will cause her to leave, and she is so sensitive that one thing may cause her to leave, then you're nowhere near ready to get married.

As tough as you think your situation is now? Marriage applies *more* pressure, not less. That marital bloom drops off that rose after a few months, and then the *real* work of making a relationship begins.

If you're having to walk on eggshells now, forget it.

Get some good counseling. Get a year of direct application of MB under your belt, complete with negotiating issues under POJA, and making sure you have a good handle on it.

Don't get married as things sit.

You have a serious case of "walking on egg shells". It will not magicaly go away by being "married" it will just get worse unless you both can learn to "communicate". Seek marriage counseling! If she will not agree to go that is a big "red flag". You both must be able to express your feelings freely with mutual respect. Not just when it is convenient for her. If you don't know where to start talk with your pastor this site has useful reccomendations as well. Your story sounds like my first marriage. I know how the egg shell lifestyle works/feels do something positive about now don't wait thinking it will go away with doing nothing!!! Best of luck..

I agree with what you said Jaye. We don't have plans to get married like we're engaged or anything. We just know that we are the ones for each other, but taking steps to prepare before I even ask her to marry me. Our communication is very strong and we came to a point that it was so strong that we were telling each other TOO much information TOO fast and it turned out to be hurtful conversations over and over again. A lot of things from her past is making her hesitant toward me and the relationship, but if I can't fight for it in the midst of this storm, what is that telling me of the storms of the future? I can't stop what she's thinking, but I want to do something to ease the pain before it goes too far. I hope this makes sense. Counseling is going to come and I agree with it. I just wanted to see if anybody had any suggestions on how to treat a person that can't handle truth that well. Any more suggests I am happy to recieve. Thanks in advance for your help though.

I'll be frank. I think you have a very non orthodox view of what "strong communciation" is.

If she has issues from her past now that are keeping the two of you playing this game, it's only going to get worse once you're married. Marriage does not bring out the best in people, it tends more to bring out the worst. And then you have to work through that.

You may want to look through the BC section of the site, and review the techniques for open and safe communication, it may be a "style" issue, in terms of how things are said.

You may want to give a real-life example of what you said, what she said, what you said, what happened after, so that people can possibly critique it in light of good communication techniques and offer some suggestions.

One obvious first step is to eliminate the word "you" from your vocabulary, when talking about anything relational. Keep it in the realm of how you feel about stuff, and not about the other person.

W/o more specifics, I can't think of any other suggestions, other than seek more help. Post some samples, let us see what we can do to help you. For example, you say "how to treat a person who can't handle truth well". Well, it may be as much a matter of how you're speaking truth to them, as whether or not they need to hear it.

Of course, it sounds a bit like a one way street. You're willing to bend over backwards to do what needs to be done, she's not. at least as I read what you posted. So there's another red flag waving in the breeze.

You sure you're not in a relationship wiht a drama queen? Or are one yourself? You can only feel close together when the two of you are going through a crisis?

You need to step out of the relationship and look at it as a neutral observer. There's nothing wrong with "fighting" for the relationship. Fighting for a healthy relationship with a strategy and goal in mind is good. Fighting for a broken one is bad.