Dear WW,

I have changed my plans for July **.

For years now, I have dreamed of the day when you would become a citizen. After DD4 was born, I could imagine it – always in the same way. There would be a room full of people. Those who were becoming citizens would be up front – and their friends and families would be in the back – watching. I would be wearing red-white-and-blue. DD4, also in the colors of the flag, would be sitting on my shoulders – waving a little flag. (The people behind us would be straining to see around her). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> The group of new citizens would recite the oath. Tears of joy would be streaming down my face. Each new citizen would walk by the front and receive a handshake and a certificate. The entire room would be full of joy. Afterwards, we would go celebrate in some exuberant and extravagant way.

That was a nice dream.

But it is all part of a larger dream that was an illusion. For 6.5 years, I have been in a marriage struggling to “win” my wife away from another man. You told me recently that OM would always be a part of your life. A consequence of that is that I will not be.

For me, it would be too painful to live that scene that I described above and know that it was empty. Worse than being empty, all it means in reality is that after we divorce, and you marry OM, you will be able to sponsor him for immigration (after a 2-year delay).

So, I have decided that I will not go to Atlanta with you for the interview and ceremony.

Since your appointment is at 10am, I think the best plan would be for you to stay the previous night in Atlanta, and drive home after the ceremony. We can make the previous night “my” night with DD, and you can pick her up from me when you arrive back in town.

I think this is best for me. Please make other arrangements for transportation to Atlanta.

-AD

AD_ its a heartfelt letter.

Don't expect an acive WS to give a [censored] though.

Can she become a citizen WITHOUT her marriage to you ?

It is a good letter.

You are doing the right thing here. She chose to live as a single woman with OM on the side, betraying her own vows and you. So going alone would be one of the consequences of that choice.

You are staying very strong, and showing her, us, and yourself your value.

I am proud of you AD, and I hope to find that same kind of strength in myself.

Thanks for your comments.

bOb,

Every WS is a different creature. Mine will, as you say, give a ****.
Of course, a brit wouldn't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> For a well-settled west european, it probably seems a rather painfully backwards and emotionally twisted thing want to be a USC - and to have a great load of emotion attached to the event. But she does. Also, she is afraid of going anywhere unfamiliar by herself. Driving to Atlanta (by herself) exceeds her previous driving limits by a considerable margin. She will probably have to find somebody else to go with her.

She can become a citizen without being married to me, but it will take 2 years longer - after she has already waited a long time. Since she is filing on the grounds of marriage to a USC spouse, if she should not be married and living with a USC spouse, her application would be (after all this long wait) tossed out.

However, there are good reasons for me to want her to be a US citizen, so I pretty much have done everything to make it happen.

Weaver,

I know that whatever happens, that day will provide a lasting memory for her. She will remember that day. My choice is that she will remember that I was not there for her that day. She has plenty of days to remember that I was there for her and it has made no difference. No matter what I do for her, she is still attached to OM at some level. So, if I don't go, she will have a very powerful memory of going through one of the most life-changing events - without me. And, I hope she remembers why.

I haven't sent the letter yet - waiting for more comments.

-AD

AD - I was not even slightly devaluing citizenship of my beloved US - just that I would expect that an active WS would not prioritise whether you were at the ceremony or not. My own squid didn't care about kids birthday, our anniversary or anything while she was an active WS.

USC is a big deal and one day, you never know, I may just make it myself.

My sincere apologies for not making myself clear.

AD:

I like the letter.

-ol' 2long

bOb,

No offense taken.

My WW's A is a much more long-term emotional, low-level background kind of thing. So, all the events go forward with some level of appropriate celebration - but when she gets home, I think she would call OM and tell him about it (leaving out the part about me being there with her).

She wants both of us. I'm the guy who takes care of everything and provides the $$$ to make the wheels turn. OM's the guy she can talk to in Russian - who shares a similar culture and "understands" her. I think I understand her pretty well myself, but that is discounted. I'm the guy her parents wanted her to marry. OM is the guy her dad beat. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (old stories can be repeated upon request).

So, WW has been very dependent on me. It's not just that she would want me to be there - although she would - and want DD to be there too. It's also a matter of logistics. She's afraid to do that trip alone. If it were possible, she would want me to go to the interview with her - and answer for her. They won't let me do that, but if they would, she would certainly want it.

WW wants both worlds. I've been trying to bring myself to the place where I take myself out of that deal. Both is not an option.

But, in this instance, it is very difficult for me - as this dream has been strong in my imagination for a long time. It is very difficult to give it up.

-AD

2Long,


I was afraid you were going to say that. Now, I've got to send it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I had some more thoughts about this...

Two factors to consider :
1) The effects on all three main characters (WW, DD and myself).
2) The long-term effects in different possible futures.

1) DD is the only one who hasn't been considered already, so I'm thinking about her. Right now, she has no idea what "citizenship" is. She's 4.5 years old. But, she is capable of forming lasting memories at that age. I, for example, remember when President Kennedy was shot. I was about her age. I remember it because of how if affected my Mom. I can visualize the room, the placement of the television and the door. I can still hear what she said and how she said it - and remember what she did. That is almost the only memory I have from that time of my life. It was a very intense event - because of it's emotional impact on my parents. So, I know that children remember things which have high emotionally impact - even if they don't understand what is happening.

If I allow that scene to go forward - that I described in the letter, I think DD will remember it all her life - one of her earliest lasting memories - and I will be a part of it - as she will be sitting on my shoulders. If she stays home with me, she will probably have no memories associated with her Mom becoming a citizen. That's a bit sad.

2) The long-term effects in different possible futures... If we end up, by a miracle, staying married and making a real go of it, and I have not gone to this event - it will aways be looked back on as a lost opportunity - as a painful gap in our family experience. If we D, it won't matter much either way. If we save our marriage (in the real sense) because I didn't participate in this - and she missed my involvement, then it is worth it - but still, I think it would be a painful gap.

Now, I'm not sure what to do again.

Help!

-AD

Hello everybody. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OK, it's a joke.
I know nobody's here.

I've been over on coach's thread advising him. What am I thinking?! He's at least precipitated a crisis (as Dobson says). I'm doing about as good a job at Plan B as a snail in the Indy 500.

Coach has to make an almost split-second decision.

I just have to make one choice on this citizenship question in the next 4 weeks.

And I have to stay away from my WW.

-AD

I think I am some kind of CA or something.

Actually, I'm risk adverse. I want to figure out how to accomplish my goal without any risk of failure. Meanwhile, life goes on, conditions change, opportunities pass etc. In short, figuring it all out is a luxury I don't have.

So, lets see what I can come up with - imagining that tonight is the only chance for me to come up with an action plan.

... more in a minute...

OK, one thing at a time.

If I'm really in Plan B, I need a formal letter.

I've told WW the Plan B message, but ...
a letter ...
is better.

Also, I need to get things worked out to limit my interaction with WW - and focus my energies elsewhere.

That includes skipping the citizenship thing - or at least making that my position unless she capitulates in the next four weeks (which I don't expect).

What else?

Apartment. House sale. Other issues?

... more in a minute...

First, getting out of her control a bit.

Music school. WW enrolled DD in a class on Wednesdays at 11. Then, WW enrolled her self in the U - so that she could not be there on Wednesdays at 11 - and asked me to do it. So, last wednesday, I left work at 10:40, drove to the preschool, picked up DD, drove her to music school, went and got lunch, ran an errand, drove back to music school, picked DD up (sang the "goodbuy song" with the class and the other parents), drove by a fast food place to get DD some nuggets ('cause she missed lunch at preschool), took her back to preschool, then went back to my office, where I actually ate my cold lunch. I was out of the office for over 2 hours in the middle of the day - and then ate my lunch at my desk. This is not compatible with being a good worker.

I'm supposed to do it again tommorow.

I like to spend time with DD - but this is not a very good way - nor an appropriate time for me.

I've got to put a stop to it.

So, a message to WW along the lines of
"I cannot afford to be out of the office for 2+ hours every Wednesday. I'm sorry, but I will not be taking DD to music school tomorow - or any time during my work hours." That should be enough. I don't have to justify - or to offer a solution, or even remind her that I didn't sign DD up for this and it is not my problem. I just have to say "no."

... more later...

You know english is my 3rd or 4th language ... you letter is from the heart, look very good to me.

I agree about pushing back the duty unless if this would cause problem for custody.

Later, my GF said one more ???. :P
-rh-

Visits and such.

WW has been finding ways to visit me. Several times she came by and I was not home - which is good - but still there have been several serious breaches of the Plan B wall over the past 2 weeks.

I've got to put a stop to that.

This evening, she called and I answered. I was sitting here missing her. Still, I should not have answered. I could tell that she missed me too. She was hinting at coming over to see me. But, she talked about Thursday night - when DD will be doing an overnight with me. WW asked if she could pick DD up at preschool and bring her to my house. Bad plan. I've got to put a stop that that kind of thing. Not only can she not do that, she can't stop by and visit DD at my house on my night. It's my night. I'll have DD call at bed time to say goodnight to her Mom. That's enough. WW is trying to get a fix of me - under the ruse of getting her last few hugs from DD before missing her overnight. I've got to include the new plan for this in my message to WW.

"WW, I have changed my mind. I will pick DD up from preschool Thursday afternoon. Please don't come to my house after your class. You may call my cell (as we may not be at home) when you get home and I will give DD the phone so she can talk to you. I will call again at bedtime so she can say goodnight. Please allow me to have the afternoon and evening alone with her. It is such a short time - little more than 3 hours from the time I pick her up until she is asleep. I will give her breakfast and have her at your house before 8am Friday."

....more later...

Thanks RedHat and please thank your GF for me too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Give her a kiss and hug from me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ok, and finally, I've got to attach the citizenship letter - pretty much as written above, unless I get any no votes - and maybe even then. Action can't wait for my cousel of advisors to convene.

-AD

hey AD,

You sound busy. Wish I could sh!^ or get off the pot!! I think that you are doing the absolute best thing about the Plan B letter. I feel the same way you do about the USC thing, indecisive.

jls

Can't you just wait on that?

Wait on what? The citizenship thing?