This is a quasi-exposure and quasi-personal healing question. As I have stated before, I have tried the Plan A and am in a kind of Plan B strategy now. My WW still sits back in her "ice cave" and refuses to discuss her "relationship" or do anything to help reconcile the M. It will be one year in August since I found out about her escapades. That is all of the time that I am willing to give to work this matter out. In August, she will either come clean, apologize, acknowledge that her actions were wrong and not justified and assure me how this will not happen again. If not, she will have to prove to me that no PA happened by whatever means she chooses. If either do not happen, then the D will immediately commence. I have had a long time to think about this. I have talked with an attorney and a MC and I am very comfortable with my decision.

The question that I want to pose is should I go ahead and tell my mother what is going on and what may happen in two months. She is 72 and I can tell that she knows something is going on. It bothers me to lie to her about why we cannot do things with her and why our situation is so erratic and makes no sense. I also do not want to just spring this on her when all hell breaks loose in August. She is a very strong woman and I think that she can deal with it.

I also feel it will be a huge weight off of my shoulders to tell her the truth about what is going on so I do not have to keep lying and making excuses for things. However, I do not want this to be for my selfish reasons when it might be extremely destructive. Please let me know your thoughts on what I should do.

If I am going to do it then now is the time. My WW and my daughter left today on a group mother-daughter trip today for several days. I have my son but he can go to a friends house while I do this. Any thoughts or advise would be greatly appreciated.

Is there a downside for telling your Mom the truth?

Just wondering...

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Bob

Had my Mom been here I would have told her. No doubts. She was wise counsel, my best friend and my Mom.

Now SQUIDS mom is really ill. Cancer. And I elected not to tell her ( and so obviously did Squid) and I am glad I did so. She can go 'home' soon with an unblemished view of Squid that she deserves again now.

Its a hard call. Up to you mate.

It is scary to think about this going on for a year. Does your WW live at home. You must be very strong to stick it out this long. I have been trying for about 3 weeks and I am going crazy.

I have not told my parents, and am kind of waiting to see whether or not she decides to move out. Her mom knows. She actually noticed how my wife was acting around OM before it happened. She told my wife "No one in this family has ever been faithful. You should be the first." She has actually given me some strength and told me that she has been on both sides of this situation before. She told me that WW will eventually be sorry and that all I can do is take it one day at a time.

I think you should tell your mom. She probably has figured it out already. At least some. Even if it is for selfish reasons, she is YOUR mom. I know it drives me crazy because I want to talk to my parents about this so bad, but I don't want them to know if she decides to stay, because it seems like it would make things more difficult. I know what you are going through.

I vote for telling your mom only the bare minimum, something along the lines of "Mom, wife and I are having problems in our marriage and I am fighting to save it. I know you have noticed some strangeness lately, and I'm not going to lie to you: there is strangeness going on. Right now the details are less important than knowing that you support me in fighting to save our marriage and our family, and that there is nothing you have done to make wife distance herself from you, or to make us not available to make plans with you. Please pray for us. I love you." and give her a hug.

I bet giving her validation that what she senses - that there is something bad going on, will help her to not feel that she is "crazy" or to agonize over things she might have done to alienate you and the family. I don't think I would give gory details about the infidelity. Just basic facts as above, and ask for her support and understanding.

If you are concerned about her health, the less you expose her to the blow by blow drama, the better for keeping her from stressing and affecting her health.

While I was a WW, I was very reluctant to tell my mom about our situation - 1) I thought she would immediately disown me due to my shameful A and 2) because she absolutely adored my H. It took me months to get the courage up to do so, but I'm glad I did. To my surprise, she was exceedingly supportive and understanding. She was a great listener and friend when I needed her most, and she NEVER once passed judgement. She just wanted me to be happy.

My H also took a long time to tell his folks b/c he thought they wouldn't understand and would meddle and give us unnecessary/unsolicited advice. In fact, it wasn't until we were close to filing a D that he finally told them. Again, we were surprised by how supportive they were. They no longer "hound" us to call and visit. They gave us our time and space to work things out on our own and gave us NO 2X4's nor unnecessary advice.

With this, I learned that we/I severely underestimated our parents and wished we brought it up earlier. I suppose the reaction will differ depending on the parents and situation, but I definitely am glad we finally said something.

Best wishes.

whisper28, I think that I am going to tell her tonight. As posted earlier, what problem should there be by telling the truth. I am tired of tiptoeing around a situation that I did not create. My mother is strong and will not overreact. No matter what happens, she will remain civil because the children will be involved. Wish me luck.

Best of luck, Mr. Smiley.

Alph.

Bob, I agree with the others, you should tell your mother. You need that support system.

Does your W understand the plans that you outlined above? If not, I would suggest telling her exactly what you told us, that if she is not willing to work on recovery, then you are not willing to stay in a permanently broken marriage. That might give her some much needed motivation to get to work.

bob-

UGH, I wish there had been some way of keeping this from my parents.....they're all judgy now and it drives me nuts. My Mom has told me several times through all of this "Caren, he's not happy, just divorce him....".

I know it's all because she loves me, and I understand, but I wish she could just reserve her judgements, or at least keep them to herself.

As for your sitch, your Mom being 72 shouldn't be an issue, and if you'd feel better telling her, then go for it.

-Caren

Melody, I appreciate the advice along with everyone else. I knew you would feel that way but I want to think every thing out and not make a big mistake on something this important.

Yes, I will tell her my plan in August. I will give her one month to comply and then I am moving on. I hope I stand firm and do not waffle.

Bob, you can always depend on your mother, no matter what, just remember that. Spouses may come and go, but when the going gets tough, your mom will always be there. Please give her a chance to help her boy. If you were my boy and you didn't tell me about this, I would be very disturbed to know that you suffered in silence.

Bob, do you expect your wife to all of a sudden be remorseful and be honest just because its your birthday in Aug?? It sounds from your post that she isn't even remorseful yet, let alone admitted anything. That would be a big lept from her current position of denying and unsympathetic to all of a sudden remorseful loving spouse in just two months. She seems content with things as they are with her lifestyle in tact and probably thinks that if you are willing to tolerate this for this long that you won't now or in the future. Just my opinion. Good Luck!!
Flynn.

Flynn, you are absolutely correct. I fully expect that she will do nothing. However, it has to end sometime and I am not going to be here next year still griping about how I am being treated. I may still be posting but it will be about how my new life is going.

She is here because she has no place else to go and is staying until a better opportunity arises. I am simply ready to bring an inevitable event to a head so I can move on with the rest of my life. I would give the ultimatum now but I want the feeling of starting over again on my birthday.

Good luck, Bobsmiley. I'm rooting for you!

Hey Bob,

I told my mom and feel both glad and sorry that I told her. She was supportive of me staying in the marriage, but it did ruin her relationship with my wife. Deep down she confessed that she thought I should move on since my wife wasn't working on fixing the marriage. She also admitted that she had lost respect for my wife. If we had decided to stay together, it would have made it very difficult and uncomfortable. Also, it's a little difficult to have a mom mothering you when you are 39 years old. She calls to see how I'm doing, she tries to sneak the calls while I'm at work because she doesn't want to upset my wife. It's kind of funny in a not-so-funny way.

It is nice to have a family member to talk to, but if we had stayed together it would have made it uncomfortable around christmas time.

Also, I've done a lot of thinking about the whole tell me or I'm leaving thing. I think we both agreed (probably you more than me, but I was thinking the same thing) that if our wives affair was a PA, we'd most likely leave. Here's the problem with that line of thought. Our wives know we feel that way, so they have no incentive to tell us the truth. Your wife probably doesn't want to divorce you, she wants to have a normal life with you again, but keeping the secret inside her is probably causing her a great deal of "pain and confusion". She can't be honest because you will leave her, she's ashamed of what she's done, but more scared of your leaving.

Ok, that's all the psycho-babble from me today.

Just curious, does your wife say she is "in love" with you? My wife said she loved me, but wasn't "in love" with me. That's why she wasn't working to fix the marriage. She was just sticking around to see if the feelings came back.

In the end, do what's right for you and your family. You have to live with your decisions and feelings. Though it means little, I support you no matter what you decide.

Well my mother came through like a real trooper. I expected her to cry even if it went well. She did not even shed a tear. She listened calmly and said she would support me no matter what. She said that it seemed as though I had thought about this a lot and was making a calm rational decision and not any type of spiteful reaction.

She is worried about the children. Her brother divorced about twenty five years ago and it destroyed his children. They are still having problems that have even extended to their own children. I explained to her that this bothered me also and I would do everything possible to make sure that this did not happen. However, I could not sit here with the "ice queen" until my last child graduates high school in ten years or until she meets a new OM and leaves.

The blow was not that bad because we had one talk two years ago when I just suspected things and my WW was demanding a D. She said that she knew that we made up after that but she knew things were different now and was glad that she was not in the dark anymore.

The main thing that she was mad about was my mother-in-law. She said that she is positive that she knows all about the situation and is coaching the "ice queen" on what to do. She said that she knows she has been told because my WW knows I have talked to them once before and she would not want them to find out from me without being able to put her slant on it first. She said that if I came to her and told her that I got caught going on an out-of-town date by my W and that she wanted me to take a polygraph, she would grab me by the ear and drag me down there if I told her that nothing happened other than kissing. She said the mother-in-law knows what hapened and has told her to not admit to anything or she might lose the kids or the right to any money. I told her that I firmly agree. That is why she will never do anything.

I feel great after talking with her. My mother is a strict and very religous woman. If she is advocating my actions then I feel much better even though my minister and the MC have also given their blessings. We tend to shy away from the truth but it always seems to give you the peace of mind that you are seeking.

Today is a good day. I do not know about tomorrow. Good luck to everyone else.

Good for you, Bobsmiley!

Delighted it turned out so well - great news.

Alph.