Bring it right here!

Hey Tama. I'm so sorry you're having such a rough go of it right now. You mentioned that you and H had scheduled an appointment to talk with you, but that he cancelled due to lack of time. Is this a common problem? Your post saddened me because it sounds like many of your needs (attention, affection, conversation, etc) are not being met. It sounds like your H has other priorities right now, and he is focusing on them and them alone.

I am having the same problem too in my marriage, horribley so, but I've been getting some really good advice from some great folks. I don't know if or how well any of this thread applies to you and your sitch, but I hope you don't mind me sharing it with you in hopes some of the suggestions I received may benefit you as well.

Unmet Needs Thread (or, SLH Griping A Lot)

Please feel free to post your own questions or suggestions or sitch if you'd like -- maybe we can both get some help there.

love,


StillLovingHim

(double posting on "Idiotville")

Thanks neak for starting this thread for me. I was feeling better earlier, and didn't think I would need it. But I'm not doing so good now. I'm trying to get my thoughts together, so I won't create some magnanamous post that would be torture to read.

Tams,

If it was all drool and spittle with a few words in between we would still understand. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> We've all gone thru times like this.

What's been buggin' you, Sugar?


slh

Tama - I love long posts. Write it all out. It will help you.

By the way - I did finally get some work done. Weeded the yard and vegetable garden, and trimmed all of the trees. It was a productive day.

SLH

Drool, spittle, tears, mascara...you get the idea. I know this forum is not really the place to bring this, but I thought since neak already started this thread for me, I could use it, and post on EN, too.

I'm just....REALLY upset, hurt and frustrated! I haven't gotten passed all the emotions yet, cause it just happened an hour ago. I've writing it all out journal style, trying to work through what I'm feeling and get my thoughts in some kind of order so people here might be able to understand me.

H and I FINALLY had a R talk that lasted more than 5 to 10 min. Its the first one since just after we finished reading HNHN and filled out the ENQ. I can't remember exactly how long that's been, a month maybe a little longer?

Anyway, I know alot of it is my emotional state right now, but it was NOT a good conversation. I'm the one that started it, and I wish to the Heavens, I hadn't.

I told him about my C appt. tomorrow. He asked how much, and when I told him, he about fell out of the chair. I had actually been relieved, cause this C is $25-$50 cheaper than any of the other ones I'd talked to, and she's willing to let me pay it out until we start seeing the money from his promotion. He didn't think it was such a great deal. He wasn't upset or mad, just not happy about the $. This made me feel guilty, so I felt the need to explain why I thought I needed it. And that's where things went from not bad to AWFUL, for me, anyway.

To keep from going into too much detail, cause it would be way long, I'll mention the main points, as I saw them.

1. I mentioned my emotional state, and how it was worse after being around my parents. And that I had wanted to be able to talk to him about how hard I was afraid it was going to be, before they got here, but felt he didn't have time for me. (it was a 5 min. convo)

2. He said he knew I was in a fragile emotional state, and that he wouldn't have time for me, so thought it would be GOOD for me if my parents came to give me company and he knew my Dad and I like to have "deep" convos.

3. I told him considering my childhood and current strained relationship with them, and that he knew all about it, I didn't understand his thinking it would be GOOD for me to be around them right now. I asked him if he'd ever really listened to any of my Dad's and my "deep" convos, cause if he had , he would've noticed they were all about HIM, never about me.

4. I told him I felt like I was experiencing deja vu. When my Mom didn't know how to "handle" me or what to say to me, she passed me off to my Dad, and vice versa. I felt he had just passed me off to them. I told him he was my lifeline, when they were here to the "sane" world, and I felt he just threw me to the sharks, only I didn't know it.

5. He told me he hadn't intended to make me feel that way.

6. I told him I knew he didn't intend it, that he never meant to hurt me or made me feel I wasn't important to him, but knowing that didn't change how I FELT. I asked him to read "OUCH? No no no, let me explain." That maybe it would help him understand what I was doing a poor job of explaining.

7. He didn't get how it related to him, cause we both know everything that guy said was ridiculous.

8. He said I WAS important to him.

9. I asked "If you want me to feel I'm important to you. Can you please explain to me why, when you've said you had no time for anyone or anything this past weekend, you managed to find time for A) over an hr long phone convo w/friend, B) work outside to wear yourself out, and C) play PS2, then couldn't find just a few minutes to spend one on one time with me?

10. He said he didn't mean to be selfish with wanting to work outside to wear himself out. That he knew he needed to get on a sleep schedule and that's what he'd been trying to do. Everyone was sleeping and he knew it would be rude to wake anyone up, just cause he couldn't sleep. That he thought I understood that sometimes he had to wear himself out so he could sleep.

11. I reminded him that earlier in this convo, I had acknowledged that I knew and understood why he needed to work outside. The only reason I had added it to my list above was just because it was in the nonjob/non sleep category. I told him I felt that he bypassed the other two activities I mentioned and homed in on the one that he did NEED. I told him I felt this was an attempt at a guilt trip, to turn the tables from my not feeling important enough for him to find time for, to my not being selfless enough to understand he needed that time.

12. He made the suggestion that we not talk about any of this again till after my C appt, because he didn't feel he was the one I needed to connect with.

That pretty much sums it up. I hope its not too long.

Tama


PS - sorry it took me so long, the phone kept ringing.

I forgot one thing on the last point, he DID wake me up, when he got home before he went outside. I wasn't upset by this was in fact glad at the time. But I told him the fact that he was now saying what he did about NOT wanting to be selfish and wake anyone up, I just felt the need to point out that minor discrepency.

Well Tama - I am quite proud of you. You did a good job of letting him know what you need. So don't feel bad about it. A wife should be able to tell her husband her needs.

Don't be surprised that he didn't instantly "get it". But I bet he will be thinking about it.

Leave the discussion for tonight, and try to enjoy the evening. Tomorrow go to your counselor. Counseling IS expensive, but so worth it.

Thanks believer. I just wish I felt better. I wanted so badly to be able to connect with him somehow. I wasn't even looking for his understanding, just some compassion and support. Guess I just got my goals too high. We haven't been connected in that kind of way since our first year of marriage.

No worries about any more convos tonight, he decided to work so the relief guy could get more sleep.

Like I told you before, this didn't get broke in a couple of weeks, and it won't be fixed in a couple. It sounds like he is discounting your feelings a little. My WH was like that.

Next time you have the R conversation, and you say you don't feel important to him, and he says you ARE important to him, you might say something like "It makes me feel good that you say I'm important to you. You can help me by staying here when my parents are here." Or whatever the subject is.

Sometimes our spouses just don't really listen. Or they listen, and then put their own spin on our words.

But you did fine - you brought up your needs.

Thank you. I felt so unsure. During the whole conversation, I kept trying to remind myself to stay calm (I failed, blubbered all over the place) and to not LB or DJ. I'm not sure if I succeeded here either.

I'm just glad I have that appt tomorrow. Now I'm wishing I'd had it today. But, on the bright side of all this, at least I don't believe I'll chicken out.

It takes time Tama. You did just fine. I won't let you chicken out tomorrow, so don't worry about that.

When we start expressing our needs, sometimes it takes awhile to have them met. Just keep working on it. Your husband is a good guy. He will catch on.

Are you ever going to visit Idiotville again? NCW told a hilarious joke.

I know you're right. Although, I have to admit, his good qualities are not upper most in my mind right now.

I was about to head over there.

I was just looking over my post about our convo. You know I wish it had gone as smoothly as I made it sound. Too bad I can't edit in sounds, then you'll know what a basketcase I was, and visual to include all the forehead and eyesocket rubbing he did.

I hope someday I can learn to be that calm and straight forward. That is pretty much what was said (just left out all the round robbins, and I don't knows), but it wasn't that calm, smooth or neat.

good thing I didn't post my journal "vent". *blush*

Live and learn.

Tams, ya did fine. Well, we weren't flies on the wall, but it sounds like you did fine, anyhow. Do you realiza that you never give yourself any credit, any breaks? Take a minute and give yourself a pat on the back. You held it together, conveyed your message. Believer is right; he may not "get it" right away (mine still hasn't, for reference, but he's getting there) but every journey begin with that first one step.

Please let us know how your IC goes. I am considering going myself, just been to lazy to find one that our insurance accepts, is local, isn't a doofus, etc etc etc.

Your taking the initiative to go to IC -- whether out of sheer desperation or whatever -- is a big inspiration for me, Hon.

Wish I could write more, but gotta run.

love,

slh

Hello Tama, just saying 'hey'. Keep us posted. I've been really busy the past couple of days, but still pop in to see how everybody's doing. Glad to hear the IC session went well - take good care of yourself. See ya in I'ville tomorrow. Ids ids ids ids ids ids ids ids ids! (Boy, Robby's gonna be mad... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />)