It seems my ever waking moments are spent wondering if I am doing the right thing. My WW has consistently showed that she can no longer be trusted, she has done nothing to restore our marriage, yet I still am constantly thinking about what she did and whether it is the right thing to divorce her.

I've been with her since I was 17 years old (now 39), and I guess I just never imagined my life without her. We had finally reached a point where we should have been happy. Beautiful home, a daughter, adopting a second child, and she goes and has an affair. What makes it even worse is that I just kept finding new things out and she kept hiding things and lying.

I know that divorce is what I should be doing, but my heart is still aching for my wife to say she is sorry and ask me to forgive her. Since that is not going to happen, I guess I have my answers. It's just hard to accept.

Oh well, I just needed to vent.

Grove, when did you find out about your W's affair? Have you tried Plan A? Plan B? I can tell by the soun do fyour posts that you do not want to get a divorce...so dont! Dont rush into something if it is not what you want to do...

Have you tried to save the marriage? I'm not talking about a month or two or even three! If you only just found it, it may be best for you to try one of the plans here and see what happens...

I spent 5 months trying to save my marriage. My wife was not a partner in the venture. She basically said, I'm here, but I'm not going to do anything to save it. She said she liked who she was and that I would need to change.

Finally, after saying that she was committed, the very next night she lied and had contact with the OM.

Yes, I still love my wife deeply, but I refuse to stay married to someone who has no respect for me or marriage. There is a chance that she was pursuing the OM during the past 4 months, while he was trying to have NC. I spoke to his live-in girlfriend who claimed my wife was trying to have contact with him during the past 4 or 5 months.

It just became too much to deal with or live with.

Post deleted by californiapoppy

Thanks Poppy, I s/w SH today, he gave me some insight as to where my wife's head was and what I should do if I want to stay in the marriage. My wife is in California on vacation with her parents and our daughter. She comes back Monday night, so I hope I will have a handle on things. I just don't see how I can stay married to her.

Had she shown remorse and NC after d-day, I probably would have been able to stay and work on the marriage. Instead she's been distant, cold and she had contact with the OM again.

Oh well, I sound like a broken record. I hope you are doing well. After the contact and a talk with the OM's live-in girlfriend, I'm back to "I can't think of anything else" phase.

Me Me Me, I'm sorry I don't mean to be inconsiderate.

How are you holding up?

As I was told by a wise lady once (thanks ITHURTS!)



Keeping that in mind, I am/was in a similar boat...wife unwilling to work on the M.

Your Love Bank WILL empty...at that point the "indifference" will start showing. You WILL think of her less and less.

You won't notice it over a period of days, but weeks. I had been working for two months with NOTHING from her and that is when it started for me...we are all different, so let things happen at your own pace.

I think of her less and less...I just want her to hurry up and go remote so I can get her out of my life andd get on with mine.

"A life lived well is the BEST revenge".

Hang in there...it WILL get better

WNB

Grove,

I read your post and I only want to add that you are not inconsiderate by any means. This is a very hard time in your life and expressing your pain here or on paper will be helpful for you.
You are forced to make a lifetime decision, that doesn't just effect you and your wife, its the whole family.

It's very unfortunate that you, along with so many others here have been put in that position.

I wish you the best through your trials.

Karona

Thanks WNB and Karona, my love bank might just be running on fumes right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

A side of me needs to just get free of her, living in the same house, it's hard to get over all of this. A side of me wants to act like this never happened and the other side what's to scream out, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO OUR FAMILY AND OUR DREAMS!

Actually, I'm sure I did that a couple times. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh well, it's tough being home alone. I didn't realize how few friends I had until this week. My whole life was centered around my family.

I hope everyone is getting alone well this weekend. Unfortunately I will be spending father's day alone.

Don't think I've ever responded to your posts before, but I know exactly where you're coming from on that one. I also was with my XH forever--met him at 15, married at 19, had our first child a little over a year later. We DV just short of our 20-year anniversary.

I am just now starting to try and get out and meet people, and I've been separated for 1.5 years and DV for 7 months. And it's scary, and it doesn't feel right, and I'm struggling.

I also still struggle from time to time with "did I do the right thing, or should I have waited longer?". But when I think back, he has never been particularly honest during our marriage, even when he wasn't in an affair. So like someone said to you, was I in love with him, or the idea of who I wanted him to be.

I don't have any advice, really. If you really aren't sure you're ready to DV, I'd give it a little longer. What can it hurt? But if you do decide to DV, I don't think you can be faulted for that either.

The only thing I can add for sure is that it does get easier, and the pain subsides once you are away from the other person (though it's still there and I figure it may always be to an extent). We've spent so much of our lives with these people. The frustrating thing for me is that I can't think back to the past anymore, or enjoy my memories (or photos or videos), because he's in all of them since we were together from a young age. It's like starting life over at the age of 39.

I don't know your beliefs. If you are a Christian, I'd recommend praying on it for a while, and asking for God's guidance. Just don't rush into a major decision unless you're ready.

And try not to let Father's Day get to you too much. Do you have someone else you can take out (a parent? brother?, etc) so as to keep your mind off yourself?

LL

LL,

It's a little comforting to know that it will get easier. I'm also 39 and have been with my wife since I was 16 and she was 15. We went through a lot together, I find that I only have problems remembering this past year. I was able to get the cell phone records for the whole year. It's disgusting how much they called each other. She even checked her voice mail first thing Christmas morning while I was waking our daughter up. She went down to get make some coffee and listened to his Christmas message.

It's just so depressing to realize that every moment I was with my wife this past year, she was thinking about him. How do you get over that?

Grove,

I hate it for you that your uncovering these ugly things.

I don't know if you will get over it, it may always hurt, but in time, the pain may be less.
I would be devastated too, to have this information in front of me. At some point, you may need to decide that you have enough garbage and not dig anymore because of the pain that it causes.

I know that I knew my x was with his woman through an awful ordeal in our household with one of our children. It killed me to know she was the one supporting him, while I was supporting myself through it.

I have been away from him now for 2.5 years, and divorced 1.5 of that time. I can say, it doesn't bother me as much now, I have come to terms with it. I still don't like it, but it doesn't have that knife feeling that it once did.
I can probably honestly say, it's only been in the last year or less, that I have gotten to this point. And,it was quiet too. I didn't realize that I was getting there. It's as if I just figured it out.

This whole process is something that you have to come into in your own time. Meaning, if your not ready for that final step, don't take it yet. Or, if you have to sift more, do that. Whatever it takes to help you know the right decision for you.

Best wishes.
K.

Thanks again K, I know what I want, but that can never happen. This won't go away, and my wife didn't try to make it work. Since she betrayed me again, I just see any way to stay in the marriage.

Sometimes love just isn't enough. I have to realize that and move on. I know it will be tough in the beginning, but I realize that time has a way healing all wounds, even this one.

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.

I really understand where you are at, I have been there.

There is nothing any of us here can say to you to help the pain.

Again, I'm sorry you are faced with it. Adultery is a very hard thing to deal with.

Time does make this easier to deal with, but it takes a long time to heal the wound.

Take care of yourself and be strong for you little one.

K.

I will, thanks again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Grove,

I understand..when my XH was having his affair, before it became a PA, we took a short vacation over my b-day to Florida, and I caught him several times (outside our hotel, at the airport when I walked away to buy a paper, etc) on the phone calling her. And then the PA started, and he was with her 1/2 of Christmas (because he promised), all of New Year's Eve (again, because he promised), and he even saw her and was late coming home on our 19th wedding anniversary (which, of course, then erupted in a fight which gave him the excuse he needed to leave the house that night).

It is very hard. It tore me up when he was living there--this man who I loved since I was a teen who was just walking away like I was dirt.

I still hurt. My daughter showed me where XH and OW just bought a house. I was curious enough to drive by on Thursday to see what it looked like. There was the Harley in the drive--memories came back.

I just try not to think about things. It's a slow process--has it's up's and down's. But I've actually found that I can go several days now without him really coming to mind. And I don't harbor anger. I just feel pity (and sometimes a little resentment, like when he was able to buy this house because he got 1/2 of my retirement funds--no fault state). But it's getting better.

If you decide DV is the way you need to go, the cliche is true--time does make it better. Not sure it actually heals the wounds, but it makes them less raw.

Hang in there.

LL