Now I have not dated much at all.... So here is the question - I met this guy on Yahoo personals - actually he found me... he emailed me and I started talking to him - he said that he was legally seperated because of some property... I told him that I didn't want anything to do with anyone unless they were divorced - well he freaked out on me and told me I was bitter - and I said sorry - anyways he ended up coming to my parttime job - to meet me - tracked me down - so I figured what the hell I might as well go out to dinner with him right??? - So we went out once - now here lies my question - He would only email me - late in the moring - or late at night - never called me on the telephone, often broke plans for a second date - though he had somewhat legitimate excuses I guess - but one day he told me - I am going out to paint the deck - I replied - ok well I thought you lived in an apartment - and he came back with I do but I still own the house my daughter and her mother live in so I maintain it??? So was I wrong - to stop talking to this guy??? I mean there were a million warning signs telling me that something just wasn't right??? Or was I just looking for anything to prove he wasn't telling the truth -??? Will I ever trust anyone??? Or was I right in being suspicious???? I mean on one hand I know that yes indeed something was off ... But on the other hand - why would he want to date me if say he was married after he knew the hell that I had been through ??? So I guess I am wondering - am I always going to be untrusting looking for someone to screw me over - basically before we even begin??? Is paranoia and second guessing always going to be part of my life??? Or is there someway to trust???

The not calling unless it was early or late, the lack of phone calls, (did he give you a number?), and breaking numerous dates [color:"red"] are all red flags to me![color:"red"] [/color] [color:"black"] [/color]

Not calling unless it is early or late implies that he has to hide who he is calling from someone else. Like a wife. Breaking numerous dates? Sounds to me like his time is tied up with either - a wife - or a lot of friends. If it were friends, then why weren't you invited?

You have every right to be suspicious, and frankly you should pay more attention to your gut instinct and less attention to what people say. Their actions always prove their intent.

V. [/color]

It doesn't sound like paranoia to me, just common sense. Not only that, but it sounds like you could use a bit more paranoia, since he tracked you down to your job and showed up uninvited. That would be too creepy for me.

Why would you give trust to someone who hasn't earned it?

Yes, you will trust again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

But, you need to be more cautious of internet men. It's 2 different issues: trust, and meeting people. You can be friendly in your conversation when getting to know them, but you never know who they are or what their intentions are, or if they are lying of not. They shouldn't know how to track you down until you are ready for that to happen. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Well, meeting men ANYWHERE is really the same thing. You have to be a little guarded until you know more about them. You can trust again, just give it out in small steps. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

huggggsssssss

SunnyVa - thank you - I thought that I was being correct in my assumptions... And he never called on the telephone ever.. just emailed early morning late eveing - then made it seem like it was me - because I wasnt' trusting him....

AFS - see the job thing - I looked at it like - well he made the effort what the heck - and I will meet him in a public - so I met him at a restaurant - I drove and met him there... And as for him tracking me down - he just knew the town that I lived and I told him the store that I worked at so he just sort of put two and two together and showed up there and found me - Of course my first reaction was creepy stalker -but again I thought it was my paranoia but then it just seemed worse - and worse... my gut was telling me - to second guess everything..... That is when I started second guessing myself wondering if I was being overly paranoid and never going to give anyone a chance...

Faith 1 - I didn't really give out any information - it says the town that I live in - and I mentioned that I started working a parttime job at a major chain store and he put two and two together and tracked me down and like I said to AFS I though oh creepy stalker - but then I thought well maybe I should be flattered that he really wanted to meet me... but then all of these things started coming up - like I mentioned and the one thing that really threw me off was once he came into the store and just walked by and waived and said that he couldn't stop and say hi because his daughter was in the car - ok well she was 8 -- who leaves their 8 year old in the car - alone?? I don't think so - so then I started wondering about the early emails and the late emails - the Never ever phone calls - and if he called - he never left a message which I thought extremely odd... but then I in the end start feeling bad .. because - well now here I just sort of came out with all of my "wonderings" if you will and he stopped talking to me - so now I am thinking I am right - or that he thinks I am a nutcase - and oh my god am I???? you know??? I feel I like I became part detective when I was cheated on and I will never again give anyone the benefit of the doubt??? You know ?? Maybe I will be a nutcase forever.... who knows....

heck maw, I agree with others 100% this has so many red flag is a virtual forest of red flags. Nothing wrong with you, your radar is just working great. If he contacts you again tell him in no uncertain terms, you don't know him, don't want to know him, stay away from you, and if he tries again you will file a police report. Don't let him even presume to have any kind of status with you at all, predators are very good at reading people and playing them, don't be played.

Two things my wife tells me,
1 - trust is earned
2 - a woman should trust her instincts


I think your feelings of something not being right have their merit. Plus it might be best to wait on the guys who have their final divorce in hand before being romantically envolved. At least then they are over their emotional hurdles.

Knight50 - thank you .. I just wanted to reassure myself that I was indeed not just making up things in my mind - that there really were red flags there and that trusting my gut instict was correct... Now hopefully when and if I date again - things will be different... I just need to know that it is ok - to trust my instincts I guess.... and that it is ok to trust the fact that it is ok not to trust all at once until it is earned - I guess....

You asked about why this guy would want to date you if he was married and knew the hell you had been through. Well, it sounds like he's one of those predator type folks just looking for a vulnerable target. He wasn't looking for a relationship. He was looking for sex, for an affair. Sounds like a real "cake-eater" to me!

Not all people who have affairs do so because they were "just kind of swept up into things", or that there were problems in their marriage..etc. There are some folks out there that are totally self-centered, have little to no qualms about using others when it comes to getting their wants and needs met, and could care less about the feelings of the person they go after to meet their needs. Being married gives them an "out" when they're done using you. "Well I love you but I can't leave because of my children." I would rate this guy right up there as a real "slime ball"!!!

I can understand your concern about ever being able to trust again. The bottom line for me is "Will I ever be able to trust MY judgment again?". I was fooled so long by my xWS. Losing confidence in my judgment was almost as bad as the affair itself. But look at how quickly you figured this guy out! And when you weren't totally sure, you went and asked trusted others for feedback. Way to go!!

Heartmending - thank you - and my judgement really is the thing that I guess I am most worried about - I tend to gravitate towards the people that need taking care of - or that want to use me for something or other - sad but true.. but I am just gonna follow my gut instinct - it has always been right - even when I chose to ignore it.... and I guess I will go with the slimeball theory - or if that wasnt the case there was definately something not right.. you know??

I sympathize with you MAW. I used to be very attracted to those types myself. I ended up in abusive relationships. I probably read 20-30 relationship and self-help books along with 3 years of individual counselling to get to the point where I am now.

Where before I used to think I had a neon sign on my forehead attracting these types, now I can usually spot them in advance and turn the sign off in time. Usually the trigger is that I would be too nice to someone. Just like you were too nice to that guy when he showed up at your workplace. You should have been horrified and sent him packing. Instead you were willing to excuse his very stalker-like behavior by thinking that it was sweet that he was so determined to find you... Or whatever you were thinking - maybe you were flattered that you made such an impression on him that he couldn't help himself...

Learn to be a little more of a Taker and less of a Giver. At least until the relationship is well established.

V.

like many I have had to learn to trust myself again. Like many I was fooled very badly. But, I have learned to trust my instincts. The key is to be aware of what you instincts are telling you.

Good news! You can break the mold! This has been one of my problems too, and I also worried about it. However, here's my newest story in the saga... I work with a guy, quite good looking, charming smile, etc. But he needs taking care of (work-related I mean) doesn't follow through, is rarely on time, and is always taking on things he can't deliver... as if someone else (the project manager? - who happens to be me) will pick up the slack.

Anyway, I now find myself trying to avoid him and I no longer see him as attractive. I definitely do NOT want to take care of him.

YIPPEE SKIPPEE - makes my day!

This would be (for me!) the first sign I should stop talking to him BECAUSE if he were separated he should know THAT feeling...

quote]So was I wrong - to stop talking to this guy??? I mean there were a million warning signs telling me that something just wasn't right???]/quote

Not at all! Even without a million warning signs, just if your GUT told you soo...
Beside that, and that would be the most important sign (for me), and I always ask right away <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />- his phone number!
NO excuse he wouldn't give it to me (after supper together), UNLESS he lived with a woman...


You didn't have to, even if you had intentions - there were enough signs to suspect...


Of course you will! - when you don't catch him in lie, or when your gut tells you you can trust, i.e. when you meet an honest person...


C'mon, why some people kill other ones? (e.g. ;-)


If you are not paramoiac person in your nature, no bad experience will make you not to trust to an sincere and trustworthy person - I'm deeply convinced in that!
So, just find the one like that and you'll see how still you can both love and trust...

PS: What IS one of consequences of us being (X)BSs - we'll just put honesty to a higher rank than we did before... and probably insist more on it...
But, if we are with an honest person, I don't see any problem with that either...

Excellent!
I was the same type of the woman, unfortunately, and I hope I've totally LEARNT the lesson!
To avoid this, first you must LOVE YOURSELF with all your 'bad sides' together with good ones, yourself "as is".
And then - a good combination of you knowing what you really! want, some boundaries, and some rules!
And everything that is out of that - cut it off at the very beginning!

Also, we cannot and shouldn't neglect what people think about us, BUT NOT BEFORE they DESERVE our thinking at all if we made good impressions or not...


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sunnyva39 - I am not sure that I am attracted to anyone - yet I like you believe there is a sign on my head - but mine blinks - walk all over me.... See and as for him showing up at work - I was horrified at first really but then I talked myself into trying to find the good in him - I think everyone is honest and upfront and I am usually way off....

Justin - thanks - my gut instincts are always right and I know that - why I chose to second guess them I am not sure... but they are always right...

Deja Vu - good for you ...... I have to protect myself from these losers - they are not worth it.. sometimes I think maybe I am just so lonely that when anyone pays any kind of attention to me - I justify in my mind that wow - he is a nice even when I know that I deserve much better....

Belonging2myself -he actually said here is my cell # the other number I use for my business - there were just so many signs... and he said he was legally seperated because of property and I was like huh?? You can still get divorced and have property between you - it was wierd...So I am done wondering if I did the right thing.. I did - and someday I will meet a nice honest person.. and my gut instinct will be correct... Right?