About 3 months ago now I felt a wall go up between my husband and I... so when he came home from work I asked him what was wrong and he said I have been talking to someone online and you know them or about them anyway. As it turns out he had looked up his girlfriend online right before we met. We were 17 and 16 when we met and they were 16 and 15 when they met. We are both 49 now so that gives you an idea of how long ago that relationship was. She was a girl from FL he was from IL she at 15 had gotten pregnant and had an abortion, she was put on a diaphram at 15 and shipped off to IL to her grandparents for a cooling down period I guess but she met my husband and for 4 weeks he has a sexual romance with her ... she went home they ran up phone bills for a few weeks and then He said her father ended it but as I recall she dumped him and went back to the boy that got her pregnant in any case she today is a year younger than us, a divorce' twice over and three grown children. We have the same three grown children. They connected online and were immediately in love. I asked him where his heart was... he said with her that he had never stopped loving her. Well needless to say I was devasted and for about 2 to 3 weeks we wrestled with what to do. I know he wanted to leave our state and go to hers and she was willing to take him in etc. But he because of pressure from me and the children (grown) stayed and decided to do what I am not quite sure. First there was no sex etc because he said he could not just turn off and on feelings like that.. well then I found marriage builders and we connected a bit did the standard questionaires etc and found out that we had not been meeting each others emotional needs. I began to met his which sex was the top of the list mine still go completely unmet.
He seems like he is loving to me we go camping etc but here is where I am confused on what is happening or what to do.
I am still not confident where we stand I guess and I initiate all the sex between us, when I do there is no foreplay for me and I am always turned to my stomach for the event. There is no hugging or kissing other than in the greeting format. We do not hold hands or anything you would find happening from dedicated couples. I feel like I am the only one working to make the marriage survive. But at the same time I feel like he is coming around. He didn't say I love you after I found out any longer but now says it after I say it first.
What advice can anyone give me. Am I reading to much in the absence of the kissing foreplay or emotional needs met for me? Should I give him more time? I have been with him since a teen we are approaching 31 years of marriage and I am so depressed at times and happy at others I really need some input on this
Thanks


"Be very careful if you make a woman cry,
because God counts her tears.
The woman came out of a man's rib.
Not from his feet to be walked on.
Not from his head to be superior,
but from the side to be equal.
Under the arm to be protected,
and next to the heart to be loved."
-from the Talmud

dams - Welcome to marriagebuilders. It sounds like your husband is probably in withdrawal - that is, if he is not having contact with her.

Is he still having contact? No contact is absolutely necessary for him to desire to work on the marriage.

Thanks for your reply and welcome Believer. I do not believe they have any contact what so ever. It might be still part of the withdrawl because things do seem to be getting better I know his mood is better and he is more responsive than in the beginning.
I am so lost by it all I am just not sure what to do. I felt very threatened because I know that he had a powerful love for her as a youth.
Thanks again
dams

Well, it sounds like it is the typical fantasy, and he may have a little bit of mid-life crisis going on.

He only knew her for a short time, and has been married to you for a long time. So start in Plan A - you can read all about it here. Basically, it is showing him your best wifely side, and not love busting, or making disrespectful judgements.

I know it doesn't seem fair that YOU have to do all of the work, but that's just the way it is.

As far as the sex, I guess you can just keep piling it on, and hoping things change.

The Harley's also advise that you spend 15 hours a week doing pleasant, one on one things together.

Believer thanks so much for your input on this matter. I so much appreciate it. I also thought it was a mid life crisis thing compiled with being a youth and a love left unfinished with an ending always wondering what if kind of thing. I will do as you suggest. We already spend lots of time together and he has a job where he calls me several times through the day. As I said things seem to be getting back to feeling right except for what I stated.
Thanks again
dams

Since you're initiating sex anyway, why not tease him a bit? Push him down - not too hard - and apply your imagination all over his body. Try something different that will get his attention. Even if you wind up on your stomach by the end, you will have introduced some foreplay of your own, and most men ought to respond to that eventually. Not fair for you to have to do all the work, as believe says, but he will notice.

(Sinks & showers can be fun. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Your children are grown and you can run around the house any way you want, you lucky woman. Make good use of that!)

thank you so much for your advice I will try that. Before all this it was the opposite rolls so I am very new to the initiation game I have a lot of things that run through my head but never act them out perhaps I will now!
Thanks not_so_you_neak!!!

You're very welcome, and thank you. There are so few topics here I feel qualified to give advice on, being so new and all, but fun sex I can do. Plus, in the dark tunnel I just left last month, I had to initiate almost everything, too, especially at first. You have the power to make your marriage bed smokin'hot. You can do it!

Now that we are on the sex thing, (thank you neak), maybe you can figure that sex doesn't always have to be romantic. You can have funny sex, make-up sex, sex just for sex, monkey sex, and everything in between. I think I would mix it up a little, and see what happens.