"Once a cheater...always a cheater" is it true? After reading coach's saga...I'm really wondering if WS ever really get it. Even in happy times in our marriage my H has always had difficulty admitting he was wrong in anything. He would joke it off, or just stop doing whatever and never saying another word about it.

When he left for a short time he did admit that he wanted to talk to her instead of me. He said he didn't intend for me to be hurt. That it just "killed" him to not have me in his life....I believed him. Then shortly after he declared he had nothing to be remorseful for that he had no regrets, after all they were only ever "just friends". He promised no contacted. But later I found out they were still communicating by IM. BTW they are both on line right now. He has accused me of making it uncomfortable to see his "friend"...duh, yeah!

So now he is home at night and doing things with the family,he is more considerate i.e. checking in occassionally, clearing his dinner dishes, putting his clothes in the laundry but I wouldn't say he is kind to me. He is civil but not affectionate (unless he wants SF).

In the past his mistakes were forgiven easily and boundaries loosely enforced. Through this whole ordeal I am a different person. I am still kind and caring but I am strong, my self esteem has improved and I have learned a lot about myself and how I repond to certain situations.
Is that enough of a catalyst to change the dynamic between us so we don't repeat past mistakes?

Do WS ever get an understanding of the BS?
Do they just go through the motions of what they think they need to do or say to avoid an uncomfortable situation?

There have been times before we were married that I had opportunities to cheat...it wasn't a temptation. I voluntarily gave up private communication with male friends. During the marriage (>16 yrs) I don't think I've ever been hit on. I don't put out that vibe. I put out the "I"m married vibe".
There have been times when my needs have not been met and looking to another person to meet those needs never occurred to me.

So are some of us faithful by nature and others cheaters by nature? Can that be changed? It reminds me of Lemmonman's signature....Some people just don't get it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi confused!

I don't know!!!! I wish I did. My H (W?) certainly does NOT get it. It is still MY fault that he lies to me and everything else. My needs are still going unmet and even unrecognized by H. H talked to SH (YAy) but only heard blah blah <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

I give. Sorry conf, don't have an answer, just more questions!

jls

Not all FWS fit this description. Yes, I am a RWS(recovered WS)but I can guarentee I would never cheat again. My H on the other hand has cheated 3x's. He is just now seeing the hurt and destruction his A's caused. So even he is starting to "get it". There are several FWS on this board that are fully recovered. Your WH has to have complete NC to fully go through withdrawl and get into recovery. Has he read Not Just Friends?

So sorry you are going through this.

FF, Thanks for your input. I hoping he will get it. He certainly doesn't get the NC. He can see it with other people. His brother's wife has a male friend that she is very connected to. He thinks that is just TERRIBLE and his brother shouldn't put up with it. When I point out the connection with his "friend" oh well thats a different story.

WH is not open to ANY info contrary to his behavior. He won't read a book or even look at the MB website or go to MC. Afterall HE doesn't have a problem or anything that needs changing.

"Do WS EVER get it????"

The "good news" is YES, some WS do reach a point where they "get it."

Some get there sooner and some get there later, and some never do....and those usually end in divorce.

jls,
We have a lot of similarities. Everything is my fault too!! Its not his fault, he can't be honest with me. He doesn't want to hurt me. LOL! What I don't know can't hurt me...he's just protecting me A LOT I guess.

Thanks Forever,
Its what I pray for. I think it'll take a ton of bricks IF my WS ever gets it. Is EA affair just harder to get?

Do WS EVER get it?

A WS who is still in the ‘fog’ and/or still involved in an A will NEVER ‘get it’. However, as soon as the ‘fog’ starts to lift and/or the WS become a FORMER WS, he/she will ‘get it’. But sadly (as FH has pointed out), this don't always happen...

Once a cheater...always a cheater" is it true?

This can be true for some cheaters (serial cheaters etc.), but A’s also happen to ‘good’ people who have made one-time mistakes and have learned and grown from their mistakes and bad choices… Some people may always have certain weaknesses that can make them vulnerable to the opposite sex, but that’s why it’s important to work on those weaknesses; put certain boundaries in place and avoid ALL opposite sex friendships if necessary. Some people may need stronger boundaries than others – it all depends on the individual and specific circumstances.

Suzet

So that begs the question. How do you know? After 4 months, my wife had contact with the OM at an after work social. She promised she would leave if he was there and not speak to him if he tried. She did neither. She sat with him alone at a table and he bought her a drink afterwards.

She claims she was getting closure, but there's no way to know, since I showed up and busted her little party. (no outburst, I just told her this was unacceptable and that I was taking our daughter and leaving the home).

From what I've read from books and this site, it's less likely another affair will happen if your spouse tells you the details of the affair and agrees to NC and a change in certain lifestyle that might have helped facilitate the affair.

Good luck

Is EA affair just harder to get?

Yes, I think it definitely is… This is so because the line crossed from friendship into EA is not as clear-cut as the line crossed from EA into PA. I was involved in an inappropriate friendship and at the time, I didn’t know of the existence of EA’s. I only discovered that I was involved in the early stages on an EA after I’ve discovered this website and read up on opposite sex friendships. This website and articles form Shirley Glass opened my eyes and helped me to ‘get it’.

No, grovetuckyohio, it doesn't beg the question.

The "length of time" needed to "get it" was not the question. The question was do they "ever" get it?

For some it happens quickly, for some it takes a long time (my wife took 3 years to "get it"), and some never do "get it" or the BS never learns to truly forgive and keeps the FWS from ever being able to "get it" (as in "what's the point if I can never be forgiven and reestablished as an equal partner in the marriage?").

For a long time I wanted to believe they were just friends. I didn't like the way she looked at him. I think he was oblivious to it and did consider her a friend. Thats how she got in. Contact was disguised as play dates for the kids, or joining the same committee, listening to music he liked. He just saw it as...we have a lot in common...yeah by her intention. She would just happen to have a cook out on the weekends that I worked and plenty of cold beer on hand. She bought her husband a "Beer Meister". She'd have these parties invite several families over, I'm at work and so was her husband. They had lots of fun together because they are just friends. Whenever I questioned anything. He would get angry and defend her "honor". I see her behavior as very calculating. I think he will always defend her and believe that I don't understand how they are just friends. He thinks I'm the one who doesn't get it. They also would meet and go out to bars together, or sneak away and sit in the car and talk and "make out". Sounds like a date to me. BTW WH still denies this, but I hired a PI to prove it. This was after she told people she was worried about me because I was so paranoid. Just a friend.....yeah, I GET IT!!