When I first found out about my husband's EA I went balistic. I was screaming, crying, and hitting him. Since then (5 months ago) I've discovered MB, and am trying not to commit and LBs. I have had a few times of angry outbursts, but am learning to control those.

However, also since then, there has been about three more times that I have been in such a rage that I have hit him again, and he has restained my arms to the point that I have bruises. I hit him, fists closed (a punch?) on the chest. I am very ashamed of my behavior, and this has caused more distance between us and an incredible amount of anger in my husband (his mother used to beat him).

Is this "normal for the circumstances" behavior that I can pray through, or am I going insane? We are dealing with many more issues than the EA now, and there is much anger and hurt that we both need to deal with. I'm looking for feedback that is brutally honest, I don't need any excuses made for me.

Thanks...

W: BS (44)
H: WS (47), EA that ended 1/05
Sons; 17 and 19
Married 24 years
In recovery???

Hi SqP2,

Maybe you need to separate from him for awhile.

What is his attitude?
Is he repentant?
Has he cut off contact with the OW?

When you said "his mother used to beat him", it reminded me of a man who murdered a left-handed woman, because his grandmother was left-handed and used to beat him. Strange things happen when we reopen old wounds. Be careful.

-AD

You should NEVER hit anyone. Your husband could call the cops and you could go to jail. BUT - Anger is normal. Read that again: anger is normal.

How you deal with it is very important.

I have no personal experience, but I am guessing you should see an individual counselor for anger management - tell them you have a real problem. Get that resolved - it will eat you up if you do not. While you are moving to do that - consult with the people here. Tell them everything, and you will get great advice.

Good luck to you.

Do not hit.

Yes - God can and does do miracles. But we must put forth some effort - He will not give us a free ride. Get some counseling, today. AND pray.

FAR

He has started to be repentant, and I do not believe there is further contact. I am not blaming him for my behavior at all, but I have never acted this way before either, so I am afraid and ashamed. It seems that when we do have a big fight, it is worse than the last one. This time it ended with him making an appointment with a divorce lawyer, and our boys knowing about it. He later canceled the appointment, but we have been on pins and needles since then.

Explain your situation in detail here.
Then wait, listen, and watch the miracle start. But it starts with you changing you.

Have you read His Needs, Her Needs, by Dr. Harley? A lot of it is covered on this site. I was reading it all a year ago, and am just now starting to see the changes in me that could win my wife back. Read this site voraciuosly. You need to know everything there is to know here.

If you want to stay married, never discuss divorce.

First of all, I am a prosecutor in a large city, so I know what I am talking about. Also you have asked for brutal honesty, and that is exactly what I am going to give you. Without a doubt, you are an abusive spouse. The idea that you would ask the question after hitting your H with a closed fist makes me wonder why you don't know this. You are very lucky that your H is the kind of a man who will not hit back.

What you have described is assault. This is a crime in all states in the US. There is absolutely unacceptable & you could be prosecuted for it. I am sorry that you have bruises as a result of your husband's efforts to defend himself, but you have to realize that anyone has a right to defend against physical attack.

Quite frankly, you are lucky your husband has not had you arrested and had a protective order to remove you from the home. If he sees a divorce lawyer, that is the least of your problems; you could find yourself in the county jail. Do you know a bail bondsman? Let me tell you, they are wonderful people who demand their money up front. Do you have a criminal lawyer? Depending on the city, that could cost $750 to $1500 to handle a plea bargain. Do you have alternative living arrangements? I assure you that if you are arrested for assault, a judge is very likely to issue a protective order to keep you away from the family home until the underlying assault charge is disposed of.

My wife has the same uncontrollable temper as you, and the only reason she has stopped hitting me is because I have told her that the next time she does it, I am going directly to the police station to complete an affidavit and have her arrested. Just so you know, I outweigh her by 80 pounds and I am much much stronger, but I have been taught that violence is not the way to resolve issues. Also, I will not hit a woman, which means my W has gotten away with abusing me for a long time, but no more.

I know this is harsh, but you need to realize that assault is a crime, and your husband has been gracious enough to avoid filing criminal charges against you. I suggest that you get into some kind of anger management program.

I am sure your H has faults, but your angry outbursts are probably the reason that he sought comfort from an EA with another woman. No one, man or woman, will be honest with someone who will use anger to control him or her. If you want a happy fulfilling relationship, you must control your temper.

2late said it very well. The emotions are normal for your situation. Your violence is not.

Rather than worry about wheter you are abusive or not just focus on stopping the behavior and don't worry about it. You should also make sure you express remorse and admit that you were wrong to him, ask for forgiveness and tell him you will do whatever you can to prevent it from happening again. My first wife constantly had similar type of behavior, and it was a huge problem, I also had to hold her arms to stop her from hitting me. She accused me of being abusive because of such things, and let me tell you, once that physical element is brougth in to the relationship it can escalate, I would start to grab her when she was getting angry and I felt she was going to hit me, so we both ended up being physical with each other when we were angry and that is not a good thing. My new wife does not act like this, and when we do get angry with each other it never gets physical.

And I must say that I also felt like doing this on Dday, but I didn't. I have never hit FWH once, but the thought has crossed my mind honestly. You need to find self control. Good luck on your mission to find it. It is within you.

HINY

I am not trying to defend myself here...but this behavior is NOT normal for me. We have been married for 24 years and I have not hit him before. I would define my temper as on a "medium" fuse under normal circumstances. That is why I am so ashamed and concerned about my rage now. But that is not an excuse, just an honest cry for help.

We have a counseling appointment this weekend, and I think we should discuss our fights then. I seem to fight directly, "into the face" type of thing, whereas my husband is more passive/aggressive. But I still should not hit him, and I have asked for his forgiveness. I never even thought about the legal ramifications, and I never thought I would be in such a place to even have to worry about something like that. The brutal honesty is a wakeup call.

My husband threatens divorce as his way of "hitting back" I guess. I almost think that he is going to need to separate from me before we can work things out, because it is the direction he immediately goes in. The only reason he canceled the appointment is because I said that I would not sign any papers, or would not go with him. He is passive/agressive, and will needle me until I blow up. That is NOT an excuse for me to blow up, but just the way our fights go. I feel like evil itself has entered the room sometimes.

Susie, I am not trying to insult you, but you are missing the point. If he is only threatening divorce, that is not "hitting back." That is just trying to remove himself from a situation in which he is being abused.

You said that you tend to be "in his face" during disagreements. At the very least, that is very threatening. Now you have to ask yourself why in the world he would want to be married to someone who is "in his face."

You say he goes in that direction during arguments. Now you need to look at your own behavior to determine why you drive him in that direction. He might be bringing up divorce because that is the only thing that gets you to stop the "in your face" treatment.

You say that you have never behaved this way before, but I really think you have probably used anger to control what your H says or how he acts. This means that he has probably always been walking on eggshells around you in hopes that you will not fly off the handle. However, he probably yearns to be able to share all of his feelings, but knows he cannot because you have trained him not to say certain things or you will punish him with your anger.

So it is very possible that one day, he was feeling down & his secretary asked him what was wrong. He might have shared a feeling & she was accepting & did not yell at him. It felt so good for him to be heard & accepted by a woman that he just shared more & more. If this is the way it happened, you are very fortunate that the affair did not progress to the physical state.

Susie, God has been gracious enough to give you a warning to get your attention. Listen to the warning & learn from it! If you have not already, order the book "Lovebusters" from this site. Also, I would encourage you to call Bill Harley on a Monday or Thurs & discuss it with him. There is a link for Marriage Talk Radio at the top of this page.

I know I sound harsh, but the sooner you identify & eliminate the things you are doing to kill your H's love for you, the sooner your marriage will heal. As for separation, if the only way your H can have peace is to move away from you, he may do it. However, if you make your home the most wonderful place he can be, that is where he will want to be.

I've had to read your last post a couple of times, and then take a breather and read it again. You are more right than you know, and I am fighting back the tears now as I sit at my desk at work. Please pray that I can change, because I do not like the person that I am at those moments. And I do not want to drive him away, I want to draw him closer, and I want him to feel safe with me, to trust me too.

At least that is what I think that I want, but half the time my actions and words give an entirely different message. I wish now, that when I first became suspicious about his EA (about 9 months before I actually had evidence) I had acted sweetly and drawn him back to me with "feminine" ways, instead of acting like the shrew that I did. Thank you again for the honesty. It is painful, but needed.

Hi Susie!!

Well, you are on your way to a wonderful marriage! Some of my W's friends told her things similar to what I have told you. They are no longer her friends. So the fact that you are touched by what you read tells me that there is hope.

I am not going to tell you that it will be easy for you to learn to control your temper, but I can promise you that after you learn, the benefits you reap will be absolutely wonderful. Many times you will feel that you are going to explode, but that will pass, and you will learn that having hurt feelings is ok, but having an outburst is not.

You can do it, it is possible.

Susie,

Treat your husband as you would your best friend. Do you yell at your best friend? Get in her face when you are upset? Hit her? Of course not. Rational people do not behave that way with friends, but sometimes normally rational people become irrational when dealing with a spouse.

There is no relationship like a marriage and the emotional investment is immense. You need to learn techniques to diffuse your anger and redirect it away from your husband. No one wants to live with an angry and physically abusive spouse. Would you?

See a counselor and ask about anger management instruction. You can learn how not to be a slave to your emotions. Remember, your husband is supposed to be someone you love.

Treat each other with kindness.

There is no need to lable you as abusive, I would say that your behavior towards your husband at times is abusive. Stop the behavior.

Hey Susie,

So how are doing today? I was pretty harsh with you yesterday & I hope you are doing better today.

bump

Bump again

Patiently waiting...

Wish you were here...