After reading the other post about getting or not getting sex, I did not want to thread jack, so I started this one. Feel free to ignore as it is rather a rant.

My H and I have been back together now for well over a year, and our sex life has plummeted. Yes granted we had GREAT make up sex for the first few weeks, but after that point my H has lost total interest in me. I can wear sexy lace, I can surprise him in the shower, meet him at the door when he gets home from work with nothing on but a shy smile, and NOTHING. Usually he pushes right by me, or watches TV. This can not be normal can it? No I do not think there is another woman as I do not have the same feeling I had last time- either that or he has gotten better at decite. When we are intimite he does not show any affection to me at all- it is strictly for his release, and his only. I have tried discussing this with him, and he shows no concern. I have tried then not having SF with him, and then he will do the BARE minimum to get me to change my mind. Is it just me, or do FWS not like to touch their spouse, seem revolted when they are touched, and kissing is completely tabou. I am growing very tired of the rejection, and I think that is why I was so easily drawn into the company of others- no I have not cheated. does anyone have any insight for me, or perhaps tell me what I am doing wrong? Thanks

secondbest, you should be most H's dreamgirl. Yes, there is definitely something up with your husband. If you only realized with most H's go through to get sex from their W's. If they give in, it is not that much fun when you can tell that she would much rather be someplace else.

Probably 80% of the men on this board would give their left arm for their W's to surprise them in the shower or show up at the door with nothing on. I would not automatically say that he is cheating because men can usually still have sex with their W and the OW. That is more telling with women because they usually cannot have sex with the H and the OM.

I think he has issues with either his sexuality or with whether he wants to stay married to you. I would get to the bottom as to what is going on because saying his actions are unusual is not using a strong enough word.

Hi, second best.

He is clearly punishing you for perceived wrongs or so that your needs are going unmet - just like he thinks his are.

You need to either get counseling, and/or directly address the behavior and it's underlying cause. This is resentment on a build-up.

What you can do, is add some loving distance to the mix. You can be strong, but you can't stand continued rejection and being treated like a sperm bank forever. You have limitations, and if the situation continues unabated, your resentment will get large. Don't think you are immune to an affair too. The 'pushme/pullyou' goes both ways.

Treat him kindly, and lovingly, but address the elephant in the bedroom. Do it calmly and well collected, but do it. It won't go away on its own.

Don't be surprised at what you are missing in the relationship. Chances are, you already know what the issue with him is. Don't dismiss the small things.

And of course, no desperate/grabby/needy behavior. That creates the wrong kind of distance.

All the best,
Gimble

A husband should BE so lucky to have a wife such as yourself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

While SF with STBXW was good...VERY good at "special" times, she was never much of a "supriser" as you described it. Most men REALLY like those types of "suprises". With her being an STBXW, I suppose it doesn't matter now.

Having read the things you did to spark the H's interest. I can speak for myself and state UNEQUIVOCALLY, I would be REALLY happy about that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

All that being said, what to do now? Ask him...PORH is an important entity within an M. Perhaps there is a SMALL, easily overcome issue, that is causing big problems. If that isn't helping, ask him to attend MC with you to resolve this issue.

Something as important as SF (IMHO) in an M cannot be left to "die on the vine".

Good luck,

WNB

how do I get to the bottom of it? I have tried everything I can think of from asking him straight out, to asking his friends, to giving him cards, space, time alone, letting him golf, bowl, have buddies over, anything to make him happy, and nothing works. I have taken on all the yard work, house work, and childrearing. Some days he is happy and other days he just flat out pretends I do not exist. The thing is he may be decideing if he wants to be with me, well in the process he is pushing me away. Rapidly. I would give anything for him to call me out of the blue to say hi, to say hello when he comes home from work, to give me a hug or at least say bye before he leaves. TO WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH ME. The only thing that really gets my H going these days is porn, I do not know if he is replused by me or what. Yeah I have had three kids, and am not in perfect shape, but I am working on it. I wonder why I can not be enough for him.

I sometimes wonder if he may be gay, as he spends so much time on the phone and out with his friends, one in particular, however they could just be best friends. He is SO against same sex relationships it embarress me- where I do not care either way.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to things to try to get H's attention that I have not mentioned?

Hi, NOTsecondbest.

Please describe your relationship with your hubby, pre-affair. How were responsibilities divided, were/are you a 'stay at home mom'. What was your sex life like, that kind of thing. How did hubby treat you, how did you treat him?

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble- I will do my best to answer your questions, as any insight would be helpful. Before the affair H and I had a rocky relationship- but over all good. H had just turned 25 when he started his affiar. (I was 24). We got along for the most part. We both worked, I worked occasionally two jobs just so I could get a break for the responsibilies at home, so I would work 2-3 nights a week. Before the affair I did a majority of the house and yard work, however he did pitch in occassionally. When we were seperated and H had moved out I took on 100% of everything, including paying the bills as he did not have a job for several months during his second youth (or reliving his teenage years I liked to call it) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> I took care of the kids, the schoolwork, my jobs, the house, and still found time to enjoy my children and go out occasionally- looking back I really do not know how I did it. H resents the fact that I could do it all on my own and I did not need him, and that I was moving on, and I think that scared him. Now that we are back together, we have moved, and starting over- so to speak- H says that I was able to do it all before then I can continue to do it all now. So I do my best to do that, however we occasionally get into arguements as I feel I have a 4th child and am being taken advantage of. I do not want another child I want a spouse, a partner, a lover.

The reason I gave myself the name secondbest, is that is what I feel like, whenever things are not going the way H wants them to he tells me he made a mistake in coming back to me and giving up his true love <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> where he was happy. If he was so happy then why when I was moving on and being finally okay again did he come back?

I try to treat H the way I would want to be treated, However I am a very affectionate person, and in order to try to get my needs met I hang on a little long to hugs and always want more- H hates that.

H use to treat me so well. He use to hug and kiss me all the time, he use to always want to make love to me, and at that time I did not want it quite as much (so now he says it is pay back) H use to help with housework, say hello and bye when on the phone and leaving- now it is either What and click or ignoreing me. H use to like to snuggle and go for family bike rides and be part of the family, now I feel his computer and video games are his family.

Sorry rambleing- hope that helps.

Your last post has cleared up a lot. Did he end the A or did the OW? You might think that you know the answer but you may be wrong. If what you just posted is accurate, I suspect that the OW ended the relationship and he is back with you by default. This would completely explain your situation. If this is incorrect then please respond. Please keep posting and we will try to help you figure this out.

I wonder that myself- if she ended it or if he did. One late winter night H let himself back into our home (around 2am) and told me that he was very sorry for the pain that he caused me and the kids and that he wanted to make it work. I had heard that song and dance before but I believed him this time- something in his eyes told me he meant it. I am not sure if he ended it or she did, he CLAIMS that he ended it- but I am not so sure. He kept her name in his phone even though it hurt me, kept pictures of her and their trips together (they are hidden somewhere in this house- urrgggg!!) however he will not go near any place that he thinks she might be. Part of me thinks that he does not mean what he is saying he is just saying it to hurt me, to get to me to get me to back down.

I do not want to be anyone's second best, and if that is really the case, that he is back with me by default- until somebody else comes alone- I will not stick around, I have too much living left to do to waste it on someone who does not love me, which he never says that either.

I am so lonely- I am tired of being lonely

Hey secondbest,

Long time, no see. I thought maybe I scared you off after your last thread. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Listen, this situation sounds sooo like what I went through with my H way back when. People suggested to me that maybe he was gay or something. I figure porn must have had something to do with it.
You're getting good advice above. Don't give up!

Oh, and how's it going with your online 'friend'? Did you end all contact? Do you think that situation has something to do with how your H is acting? Just a thought.

thanks csb- I am doing okay. Thanks for checking in with me. Things with my on-line friend are all but non-existant- I have not talked to him on the phone in quite the while, and got a one liner this morning asking if I was okay and that was all. I do not **think** that has anything to do with my online friend, as it has been going on for over a year, and the on-line thing only a few months.

I am not trying to give up, however I can not continue to live feeling rejected- hard on the whole selfesteem.

Hi, NOTsecondbest.

I will be glad to try and help you, as long as you are in NOT in an inappropriate relationship, and you don't have someone 'waiting in the wings'.

It is almost impossible to repair a relationship with more than two people in it.

First thing you have to decide is whether or not you want to save your marriage.

I think it would be a good idea for you to read all of Pebbles' thread, especially where she recognizes what her husband's unmet need was in the marriage.

Please let me know what you would like to do.

All the best,
Gimble

I am not cheating, I am not having an affair. I have no one waiting in the wings so to speak.

I have been trying to save my marriage, that is what I have been trying to do since D-day. However as of late I have been losing interest in continueing down this one sided road.

I am off to read pepples thread.

These were the exact behavior types of my WH when he was having the affair and consequently doubting our marriage. Have you been to a counselor to discuss this? I would have major trust issues if this is repeat behavior by your WH as it is NOT normal not to want to have sex (especially for a guy). Up until his affair, my WH would have to contain himself so he wouldn't prematurely ejaculate if I made a point to instigate foreplay which was quite often <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> This is why I sensed something was up when he suddenly went from being a sexual stallion to a dead horse...it is called guilty.

Muels

I have tried convinceing him to go see a MC with me, he refuses, he says I am welcome to go alone, however his mother Made him go as a child and he was *told* there was nothing wrong with him, it was all his mother, so he believes there is nothing wrong with him now, it is all me... anyway I do not know if there is another woman or not. H went out fishing with our oldest son today, and when he got home the kids were outside playing and I had dinner cooking, and there was 12 minutes until dinner was to be ready, and I told him I had a great way for us to spend those 12 minutes- and he said that would take 2 and then he would not be able to watch the rest of his show- so I was shut down again. I will not even try again later. RIght now he is sleeping on the couch anyway. I am making brownies, and watching the kids- I am hurt and frustrated, and really really really tired of rejection.

As you should be...it is frustrating just reading your post. The fact that he putting any blame on you is even more hurtful...this is known as "blaming the victim". He is transforming his personal frustration onto you yet not communicating what emotions/feelings he has. My WH did the exact same thing when he was having the affair. He'd be watching tv...I'd give him a lil strip/lap dance yet he'd still have the switcher in his hand and be moving his head to try to see the tv while this was going on. I'd ask him what was wrong, he would say "nothing" in an angry tone and then follow up with "I'm stressed at work". When I suggested counseling, he shot it down saying it wasn't going to change anything. I'd sit down and pour out your emotions, tell him straight up that you are feeling rejected and hurt and are becoming increasingly frustrated with his insincerity and lack of interest. I'd also do a bit of PI work to ensure there is not any contact with his former OW or a new OW. I am guessing he is bitter which is just completely f*cked up because he is the one who should be thankful you took him back after what he did. Did you contribute to the breakup between OW and him? I finally got in the middle of my WH and OW but it didn't do anything...the bimbo still had the nerve to move in with WH 1/4 mile down the street from me. Anyways, I'd continue to try to communicate with him and demand that you at least try one session...doesn't even have to be a MC, perhaps a sex therapist would be better.

Hope things get better!

Cheers,

Muels

Okay- so I let my H take a nap while I took the kids for a bike ride last night, then home for bath and bed- and I woke H up by rubbing his back and kissing his neck... One thing led to another and SF was good- however again he would not kiss me, if I kissed him he would peck back, but nothing more, and he never touched me or kissed or anything. I asked him afterwardsx (well after) why it is that he has no interest in me, and he said "what are you talking about" I told him what I felt I was missing (in a nice way) and he said that was not important to him, I said it was important to me and he said that was too bad.... Now what?

Let's think about this...a woman who is ready and willing for SF and is SHOWING you by, as you said "a lil strip/lap dance" and he STILL has the remote in his hand? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

You are MUCH better off without him...

I will NEVER understand my gender...

[color:"blue"] I said it was important to me and he said that was too bad.... Now what?
[/color]

I don't know a lot but that is seems like a HUGE LB IMHO!!

SOMETHING is going on...you may have to get your Sherlock Holmes hat on again.

If he is not talking and will not talk, you need to FIND the info you need.

That type of uncaring communication in a marriage is NOT good. Rest assured...you are not asking for anything out of the ordinary.

Are you in IC at least?

Again, this is exactly the kind of behavior I was getting from FWH when he was Actively in the Affair!!!!

Something is up!