Maybe I wasn't clear enough.

I'm arguing for BOTH ways. Heck, let's also throw in exposing to Michelle's husband's close family - parents and siblings - and any close friends that are likely to disagree with his actions and who may be influential.

Exposure to the spouse of an OP is Affair Exposure 101. I'd argue that we don't actually know what OW thinks of her husband. We DO have a pretty good idea of what OW thinks of herself, though.

Edited to add: Michelle - do not threaten OW that you may expose her. Just do it. And DO NOT tell your husband that you are going to do this nor drop ANY hints that you might. Reasons: foreknowledge of your exposure allows them to start damage control. You will instantly become a drug addict axe murderer who beats her kids.

WAT

Before you notify the CO, you need to notify her husband.

It may/may not affect her career, depending on the attitude of everyone (CO, Exec, JAG, her, etc.), previous instances of this in the unit an dmany other factors.

I know how to contact OWH. I truly don't know what effect that will have on him. They seem to have a strange relationship. Besides going out of town almost every week. OW has taken trips with other men without her husband with her husbands blessing. I don't know if he is so naive or if they have an open marriage. It is strange. They've been married since 1989 after college. He is no looker. They don't match. She is a knockout. Truly. No man would have a chance.
As far as my inlaws go, they know. They are in my corner and are helping me expose him. I know that sounds weird, but They were the ones to call me last weekend to tell me something was wrong, which I already knew. I trust them.
I think this weekend may result in some evidence. The OW H is going out of town Sunday and so am I. Cross my fingers. The PI should get something.

So is the consensus to expose to OW H first, then to her CO.? I've been told to tape the conversation with the CO and tell him it's being taped. I would follow with a letter. I'm not looking to put OW in jail, I really don't even want to ruin her military life, though I certainly would go up the chain of command. But I want it to stop now.

Do not worry about what happens to OW. This is not your problem. Any bad juju that comes from her choices belongs to her.

Who told you that? Better to have someone go with you as a witness and follow up the meeting with a letter summarizing what took place with a request that the CO write back with any misunderstandings/miscommunications.

But yes, inform OW's H first, but don't wait to go to the CO next unless you have a compelling reason to believe exposure to OW's H will be effective. DO NOT disclose to OW's H that your next stop is the CO.

WAT

The PI told me to do that, but I think he is a little misinformaed on the military law. His first thought was OW would be transferred out of area across country and possibly court martialled. I think those laws changed in 2001.
I could bring a witness with me. Would it be better if they were civilian or military or for that matter retired military? At that point I could get any one of those.
I will keep all my plans secret. No one will know what I'm going to do.
But it's killing me...this waiting game. The emotions are about to explode out. I need the PI to get something this weekend and throught the entire week when I'm gone. OW H will also be gone starting Sun night. My husband just ordered $300 of cialis this morning. Checked his account. They should hang themselves this time.

I don't think you absolutely have to have someone as a witness. The purpose of a witness would be to have someone back up your story as told to the CO - on the cloak and daggar assumption that the CO would later claim you said something different. The followup letter could serve the same purpose, almost.

WAT

Does this "alien" ACTUALLY think that he's being sneaky?

Being a FULLY rehabilitated WH, I remember being EXACTLY like that...I am ashamed to admit.

That being said...DO NOT believe a THING he says until NC has been FIRMLY in place and he has earned (through ACTIONS, not words) back a SMALL amount of trust.

I am so sorry...

Stay strong and hide your feelings for now...it is REALLY in your best interest at this point.

WNB

The funny thing is this "alien" has a genius IQ. He was always very smart and full of integrity. Never once did he do something that was wrong even in college. I admired that.

I don't believe a thing he is saying. Every day he reveals more to me than he could even imagine and it's like he's stabbing me with a knife. It takes me back to day one and I can't eat again.

I'm holding but I don't know how long I can maintain. You all are so encouraging, I can't tell you how much this helps me keep going. Thank you.

Just more brains to scramble; more to mix up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Believe it, Michelle. Keep reading around this forum and you'll see yourself and your H coming and going.

How do you think we got so smart about this crap, huh?

Here's our secret > we're NOT smart. We are NOT insightful. But we're dern good at recognizing the same things over and over and over. A four year old could do it.

It's just all the same. Spend enough time here reading and you can't HELP but become an expert. It's child's play! - in more ways than one!

WAT

Chin up Michelle, you can do it!

Hey, Michele, sorry you have to be here.

I got my evidence using SpectorPro software. I've been getting emails from them lately saying that some software is now available that will detect their older versions. They say their newest version running under "stealth" mode cannot be detected by these programs.

Cool thing about their software is that you can set it up to forward his emails to your own email address (set up a yahoo account for this that your husband is unaware of so he can't get access to your email and see he's busted). So even if he somehow figures it out, you'll have copies of the emails in hand and ready to print.

It also records all keystrokes, chat conversations, etc... and can forward those to you as well.

This way you can start getting "evidence" by checking your email account while you're away. You won't have to wait to come home.

~ Snow

I will probably do that. I have an email from long ago that I reactivated yesterday. He doesn't know about it.

He just left to go fishing, but he didn't even change his clothes. The PI is waiting. I'm crossing my fingers that tonight we'll get something concrete. The sooner the better.
I'd love to have everything I need by the end of the week.

Excellent!

They botched it and he got away. There was a communication gap between the field agent and the office. So I have to wait again. I am very upset. I handed H to them. He went to his boat to load the bait and then he left in his car which I told them to watch for. They screwed it bad last night. So I had to lie here knowing what he was doing at that moment. Really bad. They've got plenty of opportunity this week but I'll be able to survive easier if I know I have the evidence I need to go forward. I have put spyware on the computer and a recorder on the phone. I had put a digital recorder in his car yesterday so I hope there is info on that. Boy I feel I can do a better job than the pro. How awful is that.

I took sominex last night because I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep and it worked. I'm rested but really upset. Send me some strength. I want a DDay so bad.

KNOW what your goals are and FOCUS on those...

Do something NICE for yourself (spa/massage/nails...)

Work out...I'm, not one to talk about that too much, I worked out a lot prior to D-Day and her A's just sucked the life out of me. The times I work out felt good, so force yourself if you can.

Be patient...this will take time...you are building a case against H and his infidelity...it's not gonna happen all at once.

Be strong! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

WNB

Michele,

It's great to see you doing the right things here. You will find this forum will save you tons of "missteps" in the process.

One reminder. Make sure you have copies of EVERYTHING you find in the way of evidence in a VERY SAFE PLACE. When I exposed/confronted my W she grabbed all the e-mails out of my hands and started ripping them to shreds. Fortunately, I had copies of everything in a secure place where I work, where she had no access to them.

It really took the wind out of her sails when I brought her a fresh set of copies, so she 'knew' I had the goods on her.

Staying proactive throughout this process gives you at least a little feeling of power, that you have "some" say-so in what's going on. Stay really busy whenever you can. You'll be amazed at how much you can accomplish burning off your fury on common household chores. My house was never cleaner than around D-Day. This will help keep you from obsessing over the situation, which can cause a nearly paralized state in some.

Sorry you have found yourself here, but glad, too, that you are getting the coaching that will give you a much better chance of ending the A, and heading towards recovery. You are doing great!

Best wishes,
SD

Thank you. I think you're right about burning off the energy. I do workout and had been TRYING to lose some weight. And now I have. I weigh less now than my wedding day. I'm preparing for my week away with the kids so I am able to focus on some chores.

I think I'm getting stronger, but then a set back like last night comes and strangles me. And then I have to go about all of my motherly duties so they don't sense anything. This is definitely a dark place. But I am holding.

I will say that it is the worst thing I have ever experienced. When I was 10 my mother died of breast cancer and nothing ever compared to that. I missed the affection only a mother could give and not having her around for all the big events of my life. It's something that is always there, but this is truly worse.

I will hold.

Hi Michele, another keylogger that is invisible and isn't picked up by adaware or spybot is Actmon home version. It records all chat conversations and will invisibly mail you reports if you set it that way. You can buy it online at www.actmon.com and it is very easy to install and use. It costs $39. If you wanted help setting it up, just email me.

Thank you. I went and got the recorder out of my H truck. And listened to it. Hepicked her up and went to eat and then I think they went back to her house. I heard him say "if you just take down your pants". Well all is confirme
jut need hard evidence just in case he wants a divorce.

I'm a stay home mom. He makes all the money. We have joint accounts, but the main savings is in his name. Does anyone have an idea what my first step should be about money? My guess when I confront him is that he'll move out, but I don't know if he'll try to keep the money from me to live. Any advice would be appreciated.