I'm starting another thread to cover the possible drinking problem of my WH.

Much of this is cut/pasted from my other thread.

I think drinking had a big effect on our relationship, and possibly contributed to WH leaving me.

He could drink a litre and and half bottle of wine in an evening. This would be unusual, but he could do it. Then he'd drive to work the next day - I've no doubt he'd be over the drink/drive limit. What was more common, however, was that he would come home from work, drink 4-5 glasses, and fall asleep in front of the TV, leaving me on my own.

It's hard to get your ENs met when you are asleep every evening, and hard to meet your spouses EN's too. I'd just leave him there and go into the other room and read/play the computer. But I always started off trying to be there with him, and then when he'd fall asleep I'd just get cross and leave him on his own.

I also ended up sleeping on the sofa many nights, as WH put on weight from the drinking and snored very badly when he was drunk. Just needed to get some rest! Now he blames me for being cold and not wanting to sleep with him. But I just wanted to get some sleep.

When I was diagnosed with my illness, I knew I had to cut back on my own drinking for the sake of my health (we did enjoy drinking together, had the whole marriage, but even allowing for the difference that men and women can tolerate he always drank much more than me). When I cut back WH said things like 'you're no fun any more' and 'I've lost my drinking buddy' etc. When he left me, he said he drank 'because of the problems between us'.

About a week after he left, he came to see me and told me he'd stopped drinking, because he wasn't with me any more. He'd started smoking instead, though. Now I know he is drinking again (at least, he and OW both drank heavily when they last visited MIL, coz she told me). When they got back up here after that visit and he came to see the kids, I knew he was hungover.

So that's it. I've asked him to try to get it sorted re. access to the kids (and seeing as OW is obviously a big enabler I think it's doubly important), but he hasn't made an appointment with the doctor like he promised he would.

Don't know what to do with him, really. That's as honest as I can be. Please ask if you need more info.

Thank you for reading this.

Alph.

You can google alanon and your city, and get on a LOCAL site specifically for that purpose... but I highly recommend an in person meeting

Pep

PS

did you see my last post to you on your other thread?

Yes, I saw it. Thanks.

WH passed with flying colours, unfortunately. Scored a 5 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Nothing you can do to cure your husband. I wasted alot of time in my life trying to diagnose my husband. As long as you are trying to fix him - you are going to be miserable.

Pep's right, get to an Al Anon meeting and find support for yourself.

Hey girlie !

BrambleRose is an awesome alanon resource! She helped me out BIG TIME...

We're doing GREAT now, thanks ((((BR))))!

Pep

What about everything I'm trying to do - my plan A, all the exposure I've done...it's all been for nothing?

Am I just supposed to give up? Give up on him and my marriage?

Alph.

Hi Pep, thank you! I don't think I did that much, seems to me that a pretty tough lady did alot of work on herself=)

No not give up.

Focus on things YOU have the power to change.

Yourself. Your strengths. Your weaknesses. Your boundaries.

You get to choose for you.

BR and I are both still married to alcoholics who were once in an affair !

Pep

Pep and BR, thanks for being here for me.

I'm sorry to sound thick, but isn't AA for the alcoholic themselves?

Obviously not (duh!) - they have family support then?

Alph.

Give up?

No, let go - let God get your husband =) And letting go is not giving up!

Sweetie, I am married to an active alcoholic with over 4 years of A recovery. Is my marriage perfectly healthy and wonderful? No - impossible with an alcoholic. Am I happy? YES.

I could not possibly be where I am today with out the love, support and help that I found for ME in Al Anon.

AA is for alcoholics.

Al Anon is for the families and friends of alcoholics.

Ah!

I'll look them up first thing tomorrow.

So...does this affect my plan A? I was feeling pretty confident with it all today, now I'm all messed up.

Alph.

Hi again Alphin,

I hope you are doing well considering all this A stuff - and now you may have a alcoholic H to boot. Lucky you. (Don't waste any money on the lottery, OK.)

I have been attending Al Anon meetings for over a year now. Since slightly after DDay 2. I have learned a great deal about myself and about loving detachment from Al Anon.

One of the things the IC I went to in the months before DDay 2 did, when I suspected the continuing A, was get me to explore some things about my family of Origin (FOO). She wanted me to think about why I put up with such a one-sided M for so long.

There are a number of alcoholics in my family. My mother, three of my younger brothers, most of the uncles on my father's side, my grandfather, several cousins...

To make a long story short, my mom's alcoholism affected me a lot more than I realized. I always swore I would never marry someone like dear old mum. But that is just what I did. W is not an alcoholic. But she has food, work and emotional addictions that make her act the same way mom did: distant, moody, obsessive, selfish, angry, needy, you name it - all the entitlement traits of an alcoholic.

I learned in Al Anon that this is all too common. Children of alcoholics have a strong tendency to marry alcoholics. I learned about women from my mom. So I felt comfortable with W's personality traits. I also at some level felt I could help her, just like I could my mom (not)! All I ended up doing was avoid difficult discussions, ignore issues, keep my head down (you cannot reason with an addict) and put up with all around LB'ing.

I enabled my wife in her addictive behaviors. I took it and thought I was being a good H for it. Hah, I think I could not have done more to enable the A if I led her by the hand to OM. Don't get me wrong. I am not to blame for her decision to have an A. But I could have done more to prevent it in the first place, or at least in correcting it sooner, if I knew then what I know now about addictions, enabling and conflict avoidance. At the very least, I would have put up with less poor treatment.

Al Anon has not solved any M problems for me. It has helped me make better choices in how I deal with W, how I deal with my mom (she's 78 and still drinking) and how I feel about myself. And I'm still a newbie.

It is also a good place to just talk. I attend an all men's meeting which I prefer - and it's in keeping with the MB policies of RH and POJA.

I'll keep this short. Let me know if you have specific questions. I'll try to answer them as best I can. But there are others here who are much more experienced with AA and Al Anon than I am. I hope they respond too.

Once again, thanks for dropping by Aphelion.

Firstly, do you think that WH sounds like an alcoholic? I know I'm probably in denial, probably have been for years. But isn't there a difference between drinking a lot, and being an alcoholic?

BTW - my sister is an alcoholic. She says that stuff that WH said about losing his drinking buddy when I cleaned up my own act was pretty much textbook.

I did an online test thingy that Pep gave me link for. That said WH had a problem. But I just have stereotypes of alcoholics in my head - drinking in the morning, violent temper, hiding the drinking etc. WH is none of these.

Like I say, it's probably denial. I'm all up in the air now and feel like plan A has fallen to pieces.

Alph.

Alph

Plan A is about YOU not WH so nothing is wasted. Your WHs ability to process your changes - his peripheral vision- may have been compromised by his drunk fug, but your plan A is making yourself the most 'attarctive' Affair-alternaitve proposition you can so is still valid.

I have a picture of alcoholics not from personal experience ( never met one I knew as wan alcoholic) but many folks here have a lot of experience here.

Incidentally I scored a '3' on that test, disturbingly. I

Alphin ~ It's not so cut and dry, black and white.

Yes you can Plan A, but not something I recommend if you are not working a pretty good 12 step program with an Al Anon sponsor.

It is tremendously difficult to plan A an addict, because an addicts emotional needs are not something a healthy person can or should meet.

I plan A my alcoholic husband by meeting those needs that I know he has that are reasonable. How I distinguish between unreasonable and reasonable is by sticking close to Al-Anon.

I learned to emotionally detach and remove myself from things that I should not do for him (things he should do for himself), things that enable, things that he wants that are not healthy...which means that I get to live free of the guilt of feeling like a bad wife.

These arent things you should attempt by yourself. Get to a meeting as soon as possible.

Yes, I will.

I find out about it tomorrow. Thanks, BrambleRose.

Alph.

"Firstly, do you think that WH sounds like an alcoholic?"

Honest answer: I don't know. Not enough information.

But, based on what you write, I would not be surprised in the least.

Like with most things, there is a spectrum of addiction. It also evolves just like a disease. If you met my mom, you would never believe she is an alcoholic. Yet she is a classic closet drinker and has been for 30 years. She can go for months without it showing - unless you know her and look closely. Depends on her stress level at the moment.

The same goes for two of my brothers. They hold down good jobs and act just fine in general. But alcohol has ruined their lives and Ms and they finally admitted it a couple of years ago when they went through treatment (they no longer drink.) My third brother still drinks and has degererated to the stage where he now acts the stereotype part you mention.

Please attend some meetings. Talk to AA and Al Anon members in person. They will give you accurate answers.

Oh, I recommend you go to more than just one or two meetings. Go to a meeting a week for several months at first.

Alphin, from my reading of your threads I know you have the strength to do what is necessary. It's going to be tough. Alcoholism will pose a much greater threat to your family's future than OW.

Edit: Apostrophes are getting garbled after posting!

Alphin, sorry, I wrote the response above while distracted. I have a lively household =)

I want to correct myself - I do not plan A my husband now, I do my best to meet his needs however.

I did plan A him while he had his affair.

Like you, I grew up with parents severely affect by alcoholism, although they did not drink themselves. There are 10 of us kids - all of us have either become alcoholics or married them.

It's a family disease. Growing up in an alcoholic family and living in denial with an alcoholic husband had left me anger, mean, controlling and bitter. Fortunately for me, I had started attending Al Anon about 3 months before my husbands affair started. What I ended up discovering about myself was that my behavior was HORRIBLE in our marriage - and it did not matter what my husband had done or not, *I* had become someone that I was not proud of.

So that was my Plan A. I worked on me to become someone that I could admire and respect. The result was that I became someone that my husband could actually stand to be around, sober or otherwise. But more importantly, I became someone that *I* liked.

It doesn't matter if your husband is and alcoholic or not. Do NOT focus on this for even another minute. What matters is how his drinking effects YOU.

Take the focus off him, you couldn't control him before you discovered his alcoholism, you certainly can't control him after. There is no magic bullet here that if you get him into rehab that will fix him.

Focus on what you can control....like you=)