You DID find me! It is so sad what these hurtful relationships do the the fabric of the lives of the families involved. My FWH had an A with my Former Best Friend (FBF). She is a single mother of 2, who runs her own daycare business out of her home. We did everything together. Her DS was in FWH's Scout Patrol, our DS's were on the same sports teams, her younger daughter and my FWH were great friends.
I actually knew about the EA, since my FWH was convinced that he loved BOTH of us ~ he didn't understand why that bothered me so much. I knew nothing about MB, or Love Busters, or the nature of an A ~ whether physical OR emotional. I did all the wrong things, the situation escalated, my boys heard more than they should have, and my FWH left us for her.
I found out about the PA on New Year's Eve 2003 when FWH had a nervous breakdown and confessed to me in the ER. He went to a half-way house, then moved in with his parents, and eventually got an apartment. He was certain he wanted a D from me. Heck, I was certain he wanted a D, too.
H went to IC, and we went to MC, although H called it "group therapy." He wasn't going to save the M, he was going to make the D "easier" ~ whatever that means.
He told me all the standard fogginess that you read on these boards ~ he never loved me, we got married for all the wrong reasons, he married his best friend, we were too young when we got married ~ and at one point when he was loving OW/FBF he wished I would die somehow, so he could be with her guilt-free. I am telling you this because all of their brains go to MUSH. They are truly not themselves.
So, my advice: 1. Get yourself and your H into MC ASAP, this A is NOT the problem in your M, it is a symptom of the problem in your M. You may be too raw to understand that right now, as I don't normally post in JFO ~ don't get me wrong, the A is a HUGE problem in itself, and it is so much easier/faster/more effective to work through the pain of infidelity with the leadership and objectiveness of a good therapist. BUT, once that is cleared, you will need to identify the WHY of the A. Get educated about the basics. Read "His Needs Her Needs" by Harley and do the surveys. Knowledge is power. Other good books for you will be "Torn Assunder" by Carver, and "NOT Just Friends" by Glass. Reading these books will help you focus your mind, less wheels-spinning.
2. Begin the painful process of separating your two families. I knew right away that only one of us could stay in Scouts, and it ended up being me and my family. IF OW/FBF had stayed, we would have left. It is NOT fair to the children. It totally sucks. BUT, the most important thing in your children's life, even if they don't consciously know it, is the firm foundation of your M. In the long run, for the whole picture, the survival and the flourishing of your M is the best gift you can give to your kids.
As I stated earlier, your (F)WH is not himself right now. And he won't be for some time. There is actually a chemical "soup" going on in his brain right now. It makes him think that he really really really wants to be with the OW, and not so much with you. His brain will very easily rationalize/justify to HIMSELF reasons/ways for inappropriate contact. The walls between the two families must become thick. The OW and her children do NOT call over here, they do not drop by, nor do my kids do that at her home. We live in a small community, and she lives about 1 mile away. If your H was an alcoholic fresh out of rehab, would you keep liquor out on the counter each day in front of him? Or tons of beers in the fridge, so if he took "just one" it wouldn't be noticed? You would probably vow to not drink yourself, your whole immediate family would, to help ensure his success with overcoming his addiction. It is the exact same concept here. Not one phone call, not one physical sighting on drop off/pick up of kids is acceptable. The line needs to be clear, and clean.
Also, have you considered going to your doctor for some meds? There is no shame in it. I got on Lexapro, and it helped even me out so much. I really needed to be as even as possible to be the best mom I could during that hard time.
Don't let the fear of not knowing a good MC hold you back. My H and I went to 2 that didn't work, before we found the man who assisted us in rebuilding our M. He ended up being H's IC! That's when we both stopped IC and just focused on the MC. And I know it is expensive, because our insurance didn't cover any of it. BUT, this year we got a great tax return from all our uncovered medical expenses last year. Don't let any of these things stand in your way. It may all seem overwhelming, but you have a good start. I wish the OW would have been married. I had to threaten to expose her to her mother, and her daycare clients, to get her to back off my H. Now she thinks I'm a monster, but I don't care. She didn't have the best behavior either! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Spidey
