***I do not post, but I lurk dailey. Mulan, we have many similar issues. Though I must say my H does not have anything on the side. He likes to do what he wants, when he wants, and assumes his family is glad to pick up the pieces.***

Hi Shelly,
Please feel free to keep posting, and to put up a little more about your own story. This is a good place to get some answers.

***I understand why you continue to try to get your H to understand your pain and stop his behavior. I know in my case I am afraid that if I stop trying to make things "better", I'll just give up and neither of us will have the M we deserve.***

I've felt that way, too. If I don't try to do Something, I'm afraid it will all run out of control again like it used to. If you don't take care of the marriage, who will? Obviously not him!

Hypervigilance -- one of the hallmarks of PTSD -- is very much in evidence here. Only in my case it's more like hyper hyper hyper hyper hypervigilance.

***How do you fulfill your own unmet emotional needs without risking inappropriate relationships? Affection, Intimacy etc? I do not know how to be content when I feel unloved, unwanted, and unimportant to the one person who is supposed to 'Love honor and cherish' me.***

Good question. The last thing I want is for any ruin of this marriage to be on my head, so the last thing I want is to be involved with someone else. I have my children, who are both very supportive and a great source of comfort and de-stressing, and a baby grand-child as well who is always in my thoughts. I work two jobs, both from home, and always have far more work than I can handle. Even my animals, both my horse and my cat, are sources of interaction and comfort. And of course, this board helps a great deal even if I just read.

***Just wanted to let you know that I am hoping we both find the strength to let go and trust our lives will work out like they are intended.***

I hope so, too. I was already doing the "remove yourself if it's too painful" part. Now if I can just get the "shut up and stop trying to educate him as to how he is hurting me" part, maybe something will change for the better.

Let us know if that helps you, too. Just remember, ya gotta do both parts.

If I got it straight, it works like this:

1) Ask *once* for what you want. "It would help me if you would: Give me access to your email, please stop going out without me, call a lot more often during the day."

2) If nothing happens, don't explain or try to educate him as to why these things are so important to the marriage (my biggest mistake.)

3) Remove yourself when it gets too painful. Just stop interacting and protect yourself. Go to Plan B if you can. Let *him* deal with the consequences of this.

I hope I have this right. Seems too simple, don't it?
Mulan

Bramble:

Sort of a T/J, but how can you really do any meaningful "marriage building" with an active alcoholic? I am not asking you this to be an A-hole, but I really want to know. If a WS is an active abuser, how can their be anything "real". Now don't get me wrong, I agree with the spirit of your post and agree wholeheartedly, but I think you may be in a bit of "denial" yourself about your own situation and how he changed because of your changes (or perhaos not, and I am just FOS). Just my unasked for .02.

Goodluck to all.

LM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

***Hi Shelly,
Please feel free to keep posting, and to put up a little more about your own story. This is a good place to get some answers.***

Thank you. I wasn't sure about posting much since my situation does not involve infidelity. Though, I have started to think that my FIL multiple wives and relationship issues is having a terrible toll on my M. My H is a good man, loving father, but seems to grow more distant from me every day. I wish above all else that he would talk to me, tell me what is wrong. Let me know what he wants/needs from me. He has never been a conversationalist, that's for sure. He**, it took him weeks to let it slip that he did not like grape Kool-aid after I had served it and was doing so again. That is a silly example, but par for the course for him. He would rather suffer until he bursts, and it is driving me crazy. But i knew this about him before we married. I thought, and still think, that if you love someone you want to diminish their pain and increase their joy. He says he loves me, but can hear me tell him I am unwilling to have another baby due to our relationship issues and do nothing. He says there are no issues. I tell him I am lonely and unhappy. He says nothing. Crickets chirp, birds sing, not a word from my H. I tell him that I would love for him just to hug me,no deal.
I am hurt, angry, demoralized, and frankly bewildered. And scared. My thoughts these past couple of days have not been good for my M. I think that is why I am here, to remind myself how foolish and ugly bad decisions can be.

Thanks for your interest, I am hoping all turns out well for you.

Shelly, Your H sounds like a first-class conflict avoider. This board is full of them. My H is one. I was, but not any longer -- not as of about five years ago.

Plan A might help you. It is designed to bring spouses closer together. Don't think it would hurt anything to try. Read through the Articles section - it's listed on the red border at the top of the page -- and look for the ones on Plan A and especially Emotional Needs.

Good luck -
Mulan

Thanks for the advice. I have read HN/HN, Love Busters, and another that I can not remember the title of. But I could use a brush up on Plan A. I have learned a lot about it from this board. Anyway, sorry to TJ. I appreciate having someone to talk to about it. Other than my MIL, I really do not discuss my M. But I'll talk about my DD all day long! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />